New York was exhausting.

Beautiful, alive, loud... but exhausting.

It had been almost two weeks since I arrived there and I still felt like the city was running ten steps ahead of me while I desperately tried to keep up without falling flat on my face.

Every morning there were people everywhere before the sun was even fully up. Cars honking nonstop, strangers yelling across the streets, coffee shops already crowded, students running to class like their lives depended on it.

Meanwhile I still needed Google Maps to go basically anywhere.

That Saturday morning, for the first time in days, I woke up without immediately thinking about assignments, formulas or lectures. The room was unusually quiet. I slowly opened my eyes and turned my head toward Jade's bed.

She was actually sleeping.

I stared at her for a few seconds in disbelief. Her black hair was a mess all over the pillow, one arm hanging dramatically off the side of the bed while soft snores escaped from her mouth. Honestly, it was a little scary. Usually by the time I woke up she was either gone already or coming back from somewhere looking like she had survived a war.

I quietly sat up trying not to wake her. The light coming from the window was soft and gray, typical New York weather. For a moment I just stayed there looking outside. The city already looked awake. I didn't know why, but suddenly I didn't want to stay inside that day. Maybe because for the past two weeks my entire life had been university, dormitory, library and repeat. Maybe because I was tired of feeling like I had moved across the world only to stare at engineering books twenty-four hours a day.

Or maybe...

Maybe I simply wanted to feel like I belonged there for once.

I got dressed quietly, wore my coat and grabbed my phone before leaving the room as carefully as possible. The second I stepped outside the dormitory building, cold air hit my face. I immediately shoved my hands inside my coat pockets while walking down the sidewalk. The streets were already crowded even though it was still early. Some students walked while holding giant coffees in their hands, others laughed loudly in groups, and some looked half dead like they hadn't slept in days, which honestly was relatable. I started walking without a real destination in mind. For once I didn't want to rush somewhere. I just wanted to look around. Actually look around. Because ever since arriving in New York, everything had happened so fast that I barely had time to process it. The giant buildings surrounding me still felt unreal sometimes. Back home, nothing looked like this. Everything there had felt smaller. Quieter. Predictable. Here every street felt like something out of a movie.

I passed tiny bookstores squeezed between huge modern buildings, cafés filled with people typing on laptops, flower shops overflowing onto the sidewalk and musicians performing near subway entrances. At one point I stopped walking because of a smell.

Fresh pastries.

I turned my head and noticed a small bakery on the corner of the street. Warm yellow lights glowed through the windows and people sat inside drinking coffee while talking quietly. Without even thinking too much about it, I walked in. The warmth inside immediately surrounded me and I almost sighed in relief. A woman behind the counter smiled kindly at me.

Woman: What can I get you, sweetheart?

I looked at the display case and immediately understood why people gained weight in America. Everything looked amazing. Croissants, cakes, donuts, cookies...I stared for so long that the woman laughed softly.

Woman: First week in New York?

I blinked surprised.

Y/n: Is it really that obvious?

Woman: Honey, you're looking at pastries like they personally changed your life.

I laughed quietly, embarrassed.

In the end I ordered a hot chocolate and a croissant before sitting near the window. Outside, the city kept moving nonstop. People walked fast, taxis passed one after another and somewhere in the distance I could hear sirens. Yet inside the bakery everything felt calm. For the first time in days, my mind wasn't racing. I wrapped both hands around the warm cup and stared outside quietly.

It was strange.

I had dreamed about studying in New York for years. Back home everyone thought I was lucky. And I was. But nobody talked about how lonely it felt sometimes. Nobody talked about the terrifying feeling of starting over in a place where nobody knew you.

My phone suddenly vibrated on the table making me jump slightly.

Jade ✨

I smiled a little before opening the message.

Jade: "Where are you?"

Y/n: "Outside."

Three dots immediately appeared.

Jade: "That sounds suspicious."

Y/n: "I'm exploring the city."

Jade: "NERD."

I rolled my eyes.

Y/n: "Walking is not nerdy."

Jade: "Everything you do has academic energy."

I laughed softly to myself. Another message appeared immediately after.

Jade: "Bring me food when you come back."

Y/n: "You're unbelievable."

Jade: "And gorgeous."

I shook my head smiling before putting my phone away again.

After finishing breakfast, I continued walking. The more I explored, the more I realized how impossible it was to fully understand New York. Every block felt completely different from the previous one. One street was full of luxury stores and expensive perfumes floating through the air, while the next had tiny graffiti-covered shops and street performers dancing for tourists. At one point I ended up inside a small park. Children ran around laughing while dogs chased each other through the grass. Some people were jogging, others reading books on benches wrapped in scarves because of the cold wind. I sat down for a moment just to rest my feet. And maybe also because I liked observing people. I had always liked it, even back in high school I was the type to sit quietly and watch everyone else talk. Not because I hated people, I just never knew how to jump into things naturally the way others did.

My attention shifted when I heard music nearby. Not far from the park entrance, a group of dancers had gathered with a portable speaker while a crowd surrounded them. Curious, I stood up and walked closer. The music was loud and energetic. People clapped along while the dancers moved effortlessly. And they were incredible. Every movement looked sharp and confident like their bodies naturally understood the rhythm. I stayed near the back of the crowd watching silently. A little girl beside me suddenly started copying the dancers badly while her mother laughed.

The little girl almost tripped twice but didn't care at all.

She just kept dancing.

And strangely...

I envied her.

Not because she was talented.

Because she wasn't embarrassed.

One of the dancers suddenly did a spin that made everyone cheer loudly. Some people around me started dancing too. I instinctively took a small step backward. Nope. Absolutely not. A woman standing nearby noticed and smiled warmly at me.

Woman: Come on, sweetheart. Nobody's judging.

I immediately shook my head laughing nervously.

Y/n: Trust me, it's safer for everyone if I don't dance.

She laughed before turning back toward the music.

But even after that, I couldn't stop watching. There was something beautiful about the freedom those people had. The way they moved without caring who was looking at them. Jade's words suddenly came back into my head.

"You always watch other people live instead of living too."

I hated how much that sentence stayed with me. Because deep down I knew she was right. I had spent most of my life being careful. 

Careful not to embarrass myself.

Careful not to fail.

Careful not to look stupid.

And maybe that was why I always stayed on the sidelines watching everyone else instead. My phone vibrated again.

This time it was my mom.

Mom ❤️: "Did you eat properly today?"

I smiled softly.

Y/n: "Yes mom."

Mom ❤️: "And are you studying?"

I looked back toward the dancers before replying.

Y/n: "Unfortunately."

A few seconds later another message appeared.

Mom ❤️: "Your brother says New York will make you cooler."

I snorted quietly.

Y/n: "Tell him that's impossible."

Mom ❤️: "We miss you."

That message made something ache in my chest. Suddenly I missed home more than I wanted to admit.

My room.

The quiet streets.

Amelie.

Even my annoying brother screaming at video games.

New York was exciting and beautiful and full of life...but sometimes it also felt huge enough to swallow me whole.

As evening slowly approached, the sky above the city turned orange and pink between the tall buildings. The lights of stores and restaurants began turning on one after another while the streets somehow became even more crowded. I started walking back toward the dormitory slowly, holding my coat tighter around myself because of the cold wind. People kept rushing past me in every direction. Everyone seemed to know exactly where they belonged. Meanwhile I still felt like I was searching for my place there.

But maybe...

Maybe that was normal.

Maybe New York wasn't a city you understood immediately.

Maybe it was the kind of place that changed you slowly without you even realizing it.