*Trigger warning: mention of suicide present.

Soundtrack for this chapter:
True Love Waits—Radiohead
Bittersweet Symphony—The Verve
Try Not to Breathe—R.E.M.

16

Theo

In the weeks following Jules officially calling herself my girlfriend (something I'd hoped for since the night she came home with me), I noticed a slight change in her. Something about her was different; there was an air of confidence about her I hadn't seen before, a note of assuredness in her voice. I wasn't entirely sure what had changed with her, and I didn't want to be so fucking arrogant as to think it had anything at all to do with me, but I was finally getting to see a side of Jules I knew was locked deep within her, and I was falling more in love with her every day.

Love.

Jules had the power to turn me into an absolute sap. I'd never cared for someone like I cared for her. I'd never wanted to make someone as happy as I wanted to make her, not even mom. I wanted to be better for her.

But even with that thought in mind, I still couldn't bring myself to divulge everything about myself to her. I locked her out of my mind constantly; the moment she asked a question, one I knew was being asked because of her counselor background, I'd shy away, close myself off. Part of me feared she'd look at me differently, like she'd look at me as if I were someone who was broken and never properly fixed.

Yet that was one of the aspects of her that attracted me to her in the first place. I knew that if anyone could understand, it would be her. She could help me. She could put everything back where it needed to be and make me as good as new. So why was I so afraid?

Thanksgiving was less than a week away. Jules was going to meet everyone I'd grown up with, everyone who had a part in shaping who I'd become. My grandparents would be there, some of my aunts and uncles and cousins. Jules was even going to finally get to meet my oldest sister and her husband and my nephew. Every time I saw him, little Caeden, I envisioned myself with a family of my own, but I was never able to visualize the woman who'd be standing next to me through it all. Now her picture was quite clear; she had flowing brunette hair, deep amber eyes, and the most perfectly placed freckles across her cheekbones. People say that sometimes you just know when you've found the person you're meant to be with; I thought those people were full of shit until the night I met Jules.

***

On the Sunday evening before Thanksgiving, I was driving home after working a twenty-four hour shift that was as mentally draining as it was physically. We lost two of the patients we'd responded to and the thought of their families having to celebrate a holiday that usually brings everyone together without them wouldn't shake itself from my mind. Before I realized where I was going, I found myself pulling into Parnassus.

With my car parked in the visitor's lot and Jules' building within my sight, I made my way to her, every step bringing me a little more ease.

Per usual, someone just held the door for me as I approached the building. If I'd had more energy, I would've considered actually voicing my displeasure of that habit, but I didn't have it in me.

The closer I got to Jules' door, the louder the sounds of laughter and voices came from her apartment. I could pick her laughter from the mix, and it replaced some of the darker parts of my mind with a fresh light.

When I knocked on her door, the sounds within her apartment ceased. When she opened it, I was greeted by a Jules I'd never seen before. She was a Jules with all of her hair piled on top of her head, some sort of wet paper all over her face that made her look like a poor drawing of a cat, and a glass of wine in her hand. Her eyes grew twice in size when she saw me, and the fingers of her free hand immediately pulled the paper from her face.

My first reaction was to laugh, and while it may not have been the right reaction, it was all I could do. I gripped the door frame with my right hand to hold myself up.

"What the fuck was on your face?"

Her cheeks reddened, which made me stop laughing almost instantly. "It, um, it was a sheet mask. It has like, uh, ingredients in it to help your skin. Sometimes they have designs on them."

"I didn't mean to laugh like that. I just wasn't expecting it. I'm sorry, sweetheart."

Her head did this funny little shake, and she blinked at me a few times. I was also taken aback; I didn't usually call her anything other than Jules, but sweetheart just seemed to pop out.

"Here, come in. Sorry. I, um, you've met Nora."

Jules' friend from the park was sitting on her couch, sheet mask still on her face. Hers had a lion on it.

"I'd take it off like Jules, but I've still got a good five minutes left. Nice to see you again." She smiled, which crinkled up the sides of the mask and slightly distorted her lion.

"Nice to see you, too." I turned my attention back to Jules, who was pulling a beer out of the fridge and handing it to me.

"Didn't you work a twenty-four hour shift today?"

I took the bottle from her and popped off the cap with the opener on my key ring. "Thanks. And yes, I did. Just wanted to stop over and, um, say hi." The look on her face proved she could see right through me.

Her friend, Nora, had stood up from the couch and was walking towards us with her empty wine glass.

"You've got good timing. I have to go finish packing, and now our lovely Jules won't be lonely."

Jules came out from around the counter and gave Nora a hug. "Safe travels. And have a good Thanksgiving. I'll see you next week."

"You too."

Nora left, her face still looking like a lion's, and Jules and I were left to ourselves. I set my beer on the counter and took her face into my hands. It was still a little damp from whatever had been on her skin.

"What happened?" Her eyes bore into mine.

I kissed her first. I wanted her. All of her. I wanted thoughts of her to replace every fear in my head. Within seconds, her hands were on my hips, her mouth working sweetly against mine. I could taste the red wine still on her tongue, and that only made me crave her more, but I pulled back from her before things moved further.

"Every time we lose someone we pick up, even if it's after we've dropped them off at the hospital, all I can think of is that person's family. How will their family go on without them? How will they cope with that loss?"

She ran her hands up and down the sides of my torso. "I'd imagine most people in your profession have the same thoughts run through their heads."

"It makes me feel like I've failed. Like I couldn't save that person. What if I'd done something differently, even the smallest thing?"

Her head shook back and forth. "You can't think that way, Theo. I know you. You put your heart and soul into everything you do. If there was something you could've done differently, you would've done it."

I leaned forward into her again, this time wrapping my arms around her and lifting her up onto the counter as my lips met hers. Her fingers tangled into my hair, sending shockwaves across my body. When my hands went to the hem of her shirt, she grabbed my hands.

"I, um, I'm on...why is this so awkward?"

I could give her nothing more than a confused stare.

"It's that time."

"What?"

"You know, of the month."

Oh.

"Ah. Well. Thank you for clearing that up. Thought maybe all of a sudden you were horrified at the idea of being intimate with me."

She smiled, albeit, it was accompanied by an eyeroll, but I'd take any smile of hers.

"Are you hungry? I can make something."

"No. I ate at the station before I left. Can I stay here tonight?"

Her head snapped back. "Of course you can. You're always welcome to stay. I have your Celtics shirt if you don't have anything else to wear."

"It's your Celtics shirt, but yes, I'd like to borrow it." I left a soft kiss on her forehead before helping her down.

In her bedroom, she turned down the bed as I changed out of my uniform. Once we were both wrapped up under the comforter, she rolled into me and set her head on my chest.

"Earlier, you called me sweetheart. I'd prefer if you called me something else."

Oh. I'd thought her confusion had been because I'd called her something other than her name, not because she didn't like it.

"Anything else off the table?"

"Honey."

"Damn. That was going to be my next choice." She gave my chest a little squeeze.

"I don't love darling either. Whenever my parents said it, it was always dripping with condescension."

"I'll think of something. Something special. Something just for you."

We laid there, quiet, thinking. Then she spoke up.

"I don't know what your schedule is like this week, but I'm off. The university practically shuts down around Thanksgiving, so you can stay here or maybe I can stay with you if you have any days off."

"I'm off all week. I save my vacation days for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My parents always stressed the importance of family time around the holidays, and even dad would take the week off."

"That's really nice. I've never met a family that's as close as yours. I'm looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with you, and them."

"So long as Aiden checks himself, everything will run smoothly." Flashes from the last Thanksgiving ran through my head.

"Have you two been going at it again?"

"It's not that. Things at the house have been okay the last few weeks, actually. Last year though, Aiden got wrecked the night before Thanksgiving and was so hungover that he was a pain in everyone's ass the entire day. He complained about everything; someone was being too loud, the food was making him sick. It was beyond irritating."

"I'm sure it'll be fine. You don't need to do anything to make it perfect. Just getting to spend it with you is all I need."

I pulled her closer to me, and I waited to close my eyes until I felt her fall asleep in my arms. I wanted to give her the loving family experience she never had, and I was going to do everything in my power to do so.

***

In the morning, I woke to find Jules sitting up, her computer open in front of her, and a mug of coffee in her hands. She peered down at me when she noticed me stirring beside her.

"Morning, T."

"Morning, Calhoun." She let out the smallest laugh.

"Coffee's on the nightstand if you want it. Should still be warm."

"I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I'm glad I did it." I pushed myself up in bed and took up the mug in my hands. "You working on something?"

She sighed, then shut her computer. "Remember my client Katie?"

I nodded.

"I sent her a letter a few weeks ago to explain why I had no choice but to tell the police what she'd told me. I haven't heard from her, but today's her birthday, so I just wanted to send her a happy birthday message."

"You think she'll come back?"

"I don't know. I'm hoping she'll come back for the second semester, but...I just don't know. She's my failure."

I set my mug down and turned to her. "Why do you refuse to take your own advice?"

Her eyebrows scrunched together. "Huh?"

"Last night, like, less than twelve hours ago, you told me I can't look at the patients we lose as failures, and you're doing the exact same thing with Katie."

"It's diff—"

"It's not different. You've used that reasoning before. You're a good therapist. You should take your own advice."

She set her own mug down and faced me. "Do your parents like that you're an EMT?"

"Well, they've never told me otherwise."

"And have they ever tried to persuade you out of being an EMT?"

"No, Jules."

"Have they ever told you that your main priority should be to stay at home and just do whatever it is your spouse needs you to do?"

"No, I—"

"That's the difference. Since I made this career decision, I've been told I was wrong to do so by the people whose opinions should mean the most to me. That makes me second guess myself often, even if I shouldn't. I'm working on it, okay? It's a slow process, and I don't need you criticizing me."

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I was trying to give you a compliment, Jules. I didn't mean for this to loop back around to your parents. I...I'm going to be honest with you. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say to you because if it brings up your life back in Savannah you react very strongly. I didn't mean to upset you." That ability of hers to irritate and confuse the fuck out of me was still there, but I didn't love her any less because of it.

She slid down into her bed and rolled into me. Her arms reached around and took hold of me, and my own came down around her.

"Mmmmmm. I'm sorry. I'm good at running from my problems, not talking about them."

I didn't think it was the right time to point out how hypocritical she was being given the number of times she'd tried to get me to open up, so I kept my mouth closed on that subject.

"I get it, Jules. Really, I do. It's just, you give good advice, so you should try taking it sometimes."

"Okay. I'll consider it."

"Jules."

"I'll try. I promise."

"Good. I just want you to be happy. And I promise this Thanksgiving is going to be the best you've ever had."

"If you're there, I can't see how it wouldn't be."

I wanted to tell her I loved her so badly. I just wanted to say it and hear her say it back to me, but I wanted the moment to be special. I wanted to give her everything I imagined her ex-husband never did. She deserved the world, and I was going to give it to her.

***

We soon found ourselves on the night before Thanksgiving, and I was working on having everything just right for Jules. I wanted her to have a real Thanksgiving, not the shitty Thanksgivings I could only imagine she had to suffer through for her entire life. I wanted her to feel warm and loved and happily surrounded by people who actually cared about her.

After dinner, we began making a few pumpkin pies to bring to my parents' house. Midway through, Jules turned off the mixer and looked up at me.

"We should've picked up some apples. I could have made another one of those cobblers that your dad liked so much. You know, I'm going to run out and grab some."

She turned from the counter and started for the living room.

"We have two pies here. We don't need another dessert. I'm sure my mom will already have too much."

"Yeah, but your dad really liked it and it could be a little thank you for him for fixing my guitar. Please?"

I wasn't going to tell her no. "My keys are hanging on the little hook by the door. Just be careful, okay? Lots of people go out the night before Thanksgiving to see their friends in town. I'm sure there are tons of idiots out on the road."

She walked back into the kitchen and kissed me. "I'm from Savannah, not Mars. I know all about Thanksgiving Eve traditions. And you say I'm the one who needs to lighten up?" With the most adorable little wink she'd ever given me, she strolled out of the kitchen and was out of the house.

I finished mixing the filling for the two pies and set them in the oven. Just as I started on the dishes, I heard the crashing of feet upon the stairs, and in seconds Aiden made an appearance in the kitchen.

"Hey T, can you give me a ride to Slow Tap? I'm meeting some friends, but it's too cold to walk."

"Jules just took my car to go get something from the grocery store."

"Well can you take me when she gets back?"

I turned off the water at the sink and faced him. "Do you really need to go bar hopping tonight? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving, and we're expected over at mom and dad's pretty early."

"Oh fuck off, T. Really? You're going to lecture me on going out?"

"I'm not lecturing you. I'm just saying—"

He cut me off, hands balling into fists. "Forget it. I'll just call a cab."

"That's not the point. When you go out you get shitfaced and are difficult to deal with the next day because you're hungover as fuck. I just want everything to go smoothly tomorrow."

"Oh, so things can be perfect for your girlfriend? What about what I want? I want to go out tonight and—"

"We're always catering to what you want. Don't you see that?" Everything was turning red; I was starting to feel myself losing control, and I attempted to check my emotions. He's only twenty-two.

"Fuck you, Theo. You were gone for years, and you come back and don't even try to have a relationship with me. All you care about is your job and your new girlfriend."

Don't lose it. "Have you gone crazy? I was in the military, Aiden. And when I came back, I had my own shit to deal with. We're seven years apart; I'm sorry but you've got to understand that there's a bit of an age gap between us."

He took a step closer to me and got in my face. I had to keep my arms locked at my sides to prevent him from showing up to mom and dad's with a black eye.

"You always had Dan growing up, and when you were gone, Dan didn't care about our age difference. Dan hung out with me all the time, and as soon as you came back, it was like I didn't even exist anymore."

"What are you talking about? Dan loses his shit on you far more often than I do."

"Yeah, because you're here. Because you two are closer than you are with the rest of us so obviously he's going to take your side."

"We're twins. And for whatever it matters to you, I'm always telling him to lighten up on you."

"Whatever. I don't even know why I bother. Fuck you and fuck Dan and fuck this house. I don't need to live here." He turned to leave the kitchen, but my chest was raging with fire. He wasn't walking out unscathed.

"Really? You don't need us? You couldn't live in a place half as nice as this without us, and you don't show us an ounce of gratitude, ever."

That kept him in it. He rounded back to me, inches from my face, screaming to match the volume of my own voice.

"At least I went to college and have a real job, one where I get up every morning and go to, one where I probably get paid more than you."

"You have no idea what I deal with every day. Just because I don't work a typical nine-to-five that somehow makes my job less important than yours? You ungrateful little fuck. You don't know how good you have it at twenty-two years old. You could be thousands of miles from here, living in the fucking desert, fighting for your country."

If I'd heard my car pull into the driveway, if I'd heard the door open and shut, if I'd heard her soft footsteps on the hardwood floor, I would've stopped screaming. I would have never continued my fight with Aiden.

"You think you had it so bad because you were in the military? That was your choice, Theo. And you didn't even have to finish your deployment because you were wounded. You were only there for a few months. You have no idea how much work four years of college is."

My hand thrust between us and I pointed right below his heart. "You're right. I'll never understand whatever insignificant shit you had to deal with on your comfortable little college campus, and you'll never understand what it's like to have one of your friends shoot you in the fucking chest before turning the gun on himself."

The second the words left my mouth, I watched his eyes fill with shock. My hand fell from between us, and in that moment of strained silence, I noticed Jules standing in the doorway to the kitchen, the same look of shock apparent in her eyes.

"What?" Aiden whispered the question, but I had to get out of there. She wasn't supposed to find out. Not like that.

I pushed past Aiden, glided past Jules; she didn't try to stop me. The last thing I heard before the door slammed was a shattered breath filling her lungs.

A/N: I promise you'll get the rest of the details in the next chapter ❤️ what happened to Theo while he was deployed was something that was one of the driving forces behind this novel. I had a very specific reason for what happened to him, which we'll get into in next week's author's note ❤️

In totally unrelated news, OMG SOMEONE ELSE MADE IT TO THE SHORTLIST FOR THE WATTYS. Which somewhat baffles me because I find it to be my weakest writing that I have here on Wattpad, but I'm also super critical of myself so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh, and I started brainstorming a third installment in the Elle&Jude series, nbd.

Gosh I love you all. Thank you so much for everything, from your reading to your commenting to your voting, everything.

Please vote and comment and chat with me. I hope you have a lovely week!

-L

Ps. The first time I used a sheet mask I literally could not look at myself in the mirror because every time I did I burst out laughing 😂