19

None of us had heard of the band that was playing, but I don't think any of us cared much, honestly.

We were all pumped and full of energy as snuck past the security guards.

It took everything in us not to laugh or giggle.

We had to maintain our composure, at least until we were fully in.

Once we had finally made in, Rose and I couldn't help but squeal, jumping up and down.

Tara gave us a disapproving look, as if she thought that our excitement was much too immature.

We both ignored her though, smiles plastered on our faces.

I barely noticed the way Gordon's arm was wrapped around Tara and how she leaned close to him.

Rose intertwined her fingers with mine and whispered: "Hey, let's go get some drinks then try and find a good spot."

I nodded and squirmed my way through the crowd with her.

I couldn't help but wonder how Gordon was feeling with all the people surrounding him.

I quickly shoved the thought down to the bottom of my toes and got into the ridiculously long line with Rose.

We'd been waiting there for a while, just judging people and talking crap when Casey came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

I turned my head and smiled up at him.

He smiled back at me and said: "Hey."

"Hi."

"How're you doing?"

"Fine. You?"

"Great. I have your phone, though. Someone named Mel called."

I tensed up at the sound of my best friend's name.

I missed her but I didn't feel so dependent on her anymore.

Now that I had broken out of the shell I had hidden in since Kyle died, I felt independent and strong.

I loved Mel and I always would, but somehow, I knew that we'd drifted apart.

And sadly enough, I was okay with that.

As I looked at Rose, who was smiling at me and braiding a few pieces of my hair, I knew that I'd found people who hadn't taken her place, but created new, more important places in my life.

I shrugged and told Casey: "I'll text her later."

He nodded and I pulled away from him, leaning against Rose instead.

We all stood in silence, just taking things and enjoying the high energy atmosphere around us.

I had closed my eyes to shield them from the bright strobe lights that just been turned on when I heard it.

It hadn't been there in a while, but I knew what it was still.

I recognized it.

My whole body jerked in surprise and I stood up straight, looking around, my eyes wide.

Rose frowned and slid an arm around me.

"Ana? Are you okay?"

There was a laugh.

Are you okay? Doesn't she know anything about you, Ana? You're insane.

I shivered, the whisper feeling out of place after not hearing it for at least two months.

I wrapped my arms around myself, looking around, trying to find the source of the voice.

My palms were sweaty as I began to shove my way through the mass of people.

Rose and Casey both called out my name, trying to get me to come back, but I blocked them out.

The only voice I cared about was the one that was laughing, the one that was taunting me.

Ana, Ana, Ana. She's so pale, I bet she's a ghost. Ana, Ana, Ana. Are you dead? Because all you are is skin and bones and empty eyes. Ana, Ana, Ana. She's not dead. But she wishes she was, the voice sang.

Tears gathered in my eyes and I had the sudden urge to cover my ears.

The made up nursery rhyme was all too familiar to me.

It's what the kids at my school used to hiss at me in the halls throughout elementary school.

It was juvenile and stupid.

So stupid that I'd learn to block it out.

But now it was coming from the voices and that made it different.

It made it personal.

It made it true.

My head spun as I looked around, my breathing becoming labored as a panic attack began to creep up on me and seize my lungs.

My heart was pounding so much that I was afraid that it would burst from the amount of work it was going through.

I heard someone ask if I was okay, but I barely registered it.

Fingers curled around my bicep and turned me, so I was facing whoever it was that had grabbed onto me.

I blinked a few times, taking in Shane's concerned face.

I opened my mouth to explain, but it seemed like he couldn't care less about what I had to say.

He scooped me up bridal style and carried me back over to the concession stand where Rose was waiting.

A bright blue pill was shoved into my mouth and then she was pouring water into my mouth.

I choked and coughed but managed to get the pill down.

I avoided their gazes as I said: "I'm sorry, I forgot to take my pills today."

Rose sighed and kissed the side of my head, motioning for Shane to set me down.

As soon as he did, Rose pulled me into a tight hug and stroked my hair.

I nuzzled my nose against her neck, breathing in her lavender scent.

It was soothing, and soon, my breathing and heart rate returned to normal.

"What's going on here?"

I pulled away from Rose and made eye contact with Gordon.

He was frowning and clutching Tara's hand so tightly that she was grimacing in pain.

I couldn't help but feel a bit sympathetic towards her.

She had no idea about his anxiety.

She just had to stand there and let him squeeze the life out of her hand.

There was nothing she could do.

Sadly, there was nothing I could do either.

Shane scowled at Gordon (obviously upset with him for hurting me) and said: "Did you find a good spot?"

Tara nodded and her face brightened.

"Casey is watching it for us."

I wanted to roll my eyes at her now, all my sympathy gone.

Was she naive, stupid, or slow?
I had a sneaking suspicion that it was all three.

Rose seemed to think the same as me because she crossed her arms and snapped: "Yes, because one man can save a spot for us with this many people around."

Tara's eyes widened and she opened her mouth to speak, but I shoved past her, ramming my shoulder into her hard enough to unbalance her.

Rose copied my actions, then arm in arm, we walked together, searching out Casey.

It wasn't too hard considering he was one of the only people wearing white in a sea of black and dark blues.

We joined him by sitting down on the grass and shoving gummy worms into our mouth.

Sometime later, Gordon, Tara, and Shane appeared, plopping down onto the grass.

By then, I had began to squirm, finding the grass itchy and annoying.

I scratched at my exposed thighs (I had switched my jeans out for shorts before we left) and scowled, trying to pull down the material of my shorts so not as much leg would be exposed.

Tara must have noticed my discomfort because she smiled and offered me her bag to sit on.

As much as I disliked sitting in the grass, I disliked her even more so I declined her stupid bag in a clipped tone.

Shane rolled his eyes and tugged me onto his lap.

I glanced at Rose, expecting her to react with a fit of jealousy, but she wore a good natured smile.

I guess she understood that there was nothing going between Shane and I, that he was just trying to be a good friend.

A few songs into the concert, Gordon stood up and announced that he needed a smoking break.

I hated to admit it, but I did too.

I stumbled to my feet and gave him a sheepish smile.

He raised his eyebrows at me, questioningly.

My smile fell and a scowl replaced it as I said: "I need a smoke and I need to pee."

He only nodded then turned on his heel and began to walk away.

I scoffed and followed him, wrapping my arms around myself tightly to keep warm.

Neither of us said anything and I made sure to trail behind him rather than walk right besides him.

I slid into the bathroom and he stayed outside, pulling out the pack of cigarettes he had bought before the concert.

There were some girls standing in front of the mirror, fixing their makeup and hair.

Some of them eyed me curiously and many of them sported piercings and revealing clothes.

I awkwardly avoided looking at them as I stepped into a stall and did my business.

They all still stared at me as I washed my hands then quickly left the bathroom.

I was the odd one out to them.

I wasn't normal to them, the girls with bright hair and piercings and pale faces.

Okay, I was pale too, but you get what I mean.

Gordon was waiting with a cigarette for me out already.

He handed it over and I put it between my lips, letting him light it for me.

We started on our walk back to our spot, but unbeknownst to us, we'd walked straight into the makeshift mosh pit.

My face was pressed against someone's back and there was an elbow digging into my ribs.

I reared my head back, trying to find air to breathe and space to move, but that was impossible with so many people.

I barely registered what happened as Gordon fell to his knees, struggling to take a deep breath.

My eyes widened, recognizing the signs of an anxiety attack.

I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him to his feet.

He clung to me, his whole body trembling, still struggling to breathe properly.

I could feel his heart beating so hard and wildly that I could feel it against my chest.

I cupped his face with my hands, forcing him to look at me.

I almost got lost in his green eyes but composed myself.

I tugged his head down so that our foreheads touched and our noses brushed against each others.

I licked my lips and whispered: "Shhh. Shhh. It's okay. You're okay. Pretend they're not here. Pretend it's just us. Close your eyes and focus on me."

He did as told, closing his eyes and burying his face in my hair.

I rubbed his back soothingly, my cigarette dangling between my fingers.

I dropped it and stomped it out.

With Gordon still clinging to me, I forced my way through the crowd and to the exit.

I dragged him away from the crowd and down the sidewalk.

When we were far enough away that you couldn't even see the lights, I told him to open his eyes.

He opened his eyes and we sat down together on the curb together.

He silently pulled out his cigarettes and lit one up again.

After he'd taken a couple drags, he passed it to me and I took a drag from it.

Without thinking, I reached over and intertwined fingers with him.

He let out a shaky breath and leaned his head against my shoulder.

"Why'd you help me, Ana?"

I sighed, taking a drag from the cigarette and holding the smoke in for as long as possible, avoiding the question.

Once my lungs began to burn, I released the smoke and said: "Because I care about you, Gordon. I care about you a lot more than I should. But you care about Tara."

He inhaled sharply, my answer obviously taking him by surprise.

I looked up, meeting eyes with him.

I held my breath, waiting for him to say something back.

I needed to know if he cared about me too.

He stared at me for a long moment before taking his cigarette back and looking away.

I felt my lungs deflate and my heart sting with disappointment.

I was just Ana The Schizo Girl.

There was no way he felt the same.

I looked down at my hands, trying to blink away the tears that were forming in my eyes.

I wouldn't cry in front of him.

Just as the first tear fell, my head was turned and warm lips connected with mine.

The only way I knew how to react was to wrap my arms around his neck and move my lips against his.

His lips tasted like smoke and black coffee and I don't think I'd ever tasted anything so wonderful.

The kiss lasted for several moments and it wasn't a hard, needy kiss.

It was a sweet but passionate kiss.

When we both pulled away he smiled at me and kissed my forehead.

"I care about you too much too, Ana."

My smile was so wide I thought my face would split as I said, "good", then kissed him again.

a/n: ive waited for this moment so long lol