13

Something was wrong with Gordon.

I could feel it.

I couldn't pinpoint what exactly was wrong, but I knew something was off.

I knew it from the moment he said good morning to me at breakfast.

He had sat down across from me and murmured: "Good morning, Ana."

My head had immediately snapped up and my eyes narrowed into slits.

One, he never called me Ana unless something serious was happening.

I was Banana to him.

Two, he always said morning.

Morning's were never good for any of us here.

I could tell he knew I was watching him as we sat in the living room later after chores.

He was avoiding my gaze, staring at the TV screen.

Rose was talking incessantly next to me, but I wasn't listening.

I was too busy staring at Gordon.

I was snapped out of my trance when Shane bumped my elbow with his.

I tore my eyes away from Gordon and looked at my friend, blinking in confusion and annoyance.

Shane was smirking at me.

Rose seemed to notice something was going on as she had stopped her constant talking.

She was now watching us, waiting for the argument that was about to unfold.

"What do you want, Shane?"

"You're staring at him."

I raised an eyebrow, acting as if I didn't know.

Shane's smirk widened as I was sure a blush was spreading across my face.

"I am not!"

Rose tilted her head and asked: "You're not? Then what exactly are you staring at?"

I glowered at her, sending her a silent promise that I was going to kill her later tonight.

Shane grinned and leaned close to me.

"Do you liiiiiiike him?"

I scoffed.

"No. I hate Gordon. You know that."

Rose raised her eyebrows at me and said: "Is that so?"

I blushed and looked down, playing with my hands that were laying in my lap.

Rose squealed and Shane whooped in celebration.
Everyone was looking at us oddly, causing my cheeks to burn even more.

"So you do like him?"

I shook my head, biting my bottom lip.

"We're best friends. Of course I like him."

Rose gave me a look but I just shrugged.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

"Can we please just forget about this?"

Rose nodded immediately but Shane hesitated.

I gave him a pleading look and he sighed and nodded.

After that we fell into silence and returned to looking at the TV, watching whatever cartoon was on.

We spent the rest of the night in the living room, drinking hot tea and cracking jokes like we always did.

And while it was fun, for some reason, I was happy when I felt my pills go down and drowsiness took me over.

I fell asleep fast, into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Screams.

That was what I woke up too.

I sat up, my heart pounding against my chest.

Part of me thought the screams were from me.

I thought maybe I'd had a nightmare and didn't remember it.

But no, the screams were from down the hall, drifting through my open door and into my room.

I glanced at my alarm clock as I climbed out of my bed.

The time blinked back at me in bright red: 3;51.

I frowned, wondering who was awake at this hour.

I crept down the hall, running my hands against the wall to keep balance in the dark.

Though I was afraid of what I might see in the living room, I swallowed my fear and tiptoed into the dark room.

To my surprise, there was no one in there.

It was empty.

My frown deepened but then I saw light peeking out from underneath the kitchen door.

My breath caught in my throat as I heard voices and someone crying.

I took deep breath and pushed the door open then froze.

Dr. Arden and Andrew were talking in hushed voices, staring at the boy who laid on the floor.

He was unconscious, his chest barely rising up and down.

I couldn't help myself.

I screamed.
Everyone's heads whipped around to look at me.

I didn't care.

All I cared about was him.

I pushed past them and fell to the ground next to him, pain jolting through my knees from the hard floor.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, trying to get my attention.

I batted their hand away and slipped my hand into his, squeezing it tightly, as if willing him to wake up.

"Ana, you can't be in here. You've got to go back to bed."

I ignored Dr. Arden, my chest heaving up and down with sobs.

Alison was the one who got Dr. Arden to leave us be.

"Doc, she's not doing him any harm. Just leave her alone."

When the paramedics arrived, I was pulled to my feet and my hand was torn from his.

I began to shout, struggling against Alison who was holding me back.

I pleaded: "Please let me go with him! PLEASE! God I need to be with him!"

One paramedic stopped, a hesitant look passing over his face.

He looked sympathetic and understanding.

He sighed: "Let her go. She can come along in the ambulance if it's okay."

Andrew opened his mouth to argue but surprisingly, Dr. Arden spoke up instead.

"She can go so long as our nurse, Alison, can come too. I'll be there tomorrow morning for the two of them and to speak to the boy."

The paramedic nodded and I sighed in relief, chasing after the other paramedics.

I climbed into the ambulance and kneeled next to the stretcher, clenching Gordon's hand tightly.

"I'm not going to lose you too. I'm not. I'm not I'm not I'm not."

I ended up being ushered into a waiting room when we arrived at the hospital.

Alison paced back and forth, making phone calls and keeping an eye on me while I sat in a chair, trembling.

Eventually, I fell asleep.

When I woke up again, Dr. Arden was there and Alison was gone.

Dr. Arden was talking to a doctor, wearing a serious look, nodding her head understandingly.

I shot to my feet and speed walked over to them.

Both of their eyes slid over to me.

They looked at me as if I was a train wreck, which I probably looked like one.

I cleared my throat.

"Is he okay?"

Dr. Arden gave me a soft look, which confused me.

"Ana, sweetie. I think it's best that we take you back to the group home now."

I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself.

"No. I just want to know if he's okay. I just want to see him. Then I'll leave."

This time Gordon's doctor spoke instead of Dr. Arden.

His coat labelled him as Dr. Morea.

He said: "Ma'am, I'm really not so sure it's a good idea you see him right now."

I stared at him, rolling my shoulders back, feeling determination settle in.

His gaze wavered and his eyes dropped down to the floor.

Dr. Arden sighed, seeing I wasn't going to give up.

"Fine. You can see him. But only for five minutes, then we're taking you back to the group home."

I nodded, giving her my agreement.

She lead me down the hall and stopped in front of a door that I assumed lead into his room.

I took a deep breath then stepped inside.

My heart cracked and possibly broke as I saw him laying on that bed.

He looked pale pale pale pale pale.

He looked like a broken doll.

I wondered if that was how I looked when I tried to kill myself.

I wondered if this was how my parents and Mel felt when they saw me afterwards.

I swallowed and whispered his name.

His eyes met mine.

My lower lip trembled and I wrapped my arms around myself tighter, willing my broken pieces to remain together at least until I left his room.

He sat up some, wincing slightly.

"Ana, what're you doing here?"

"You tried to kill yourself."

He looked down to avoid my eyes that I was sure were full of heartbreak.

"I know and I'm sorry. But I couldn't do it anymore, Ana. It was like I was drowning. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't make it to the surface. It wasn't even drowning anymore. It was sinking. I was sinking, Ana."

My whole body began to tremble now, not just my lower lip and chin.

I dug my nails into my sides, trying to make the physical pain outweigh my emotional pain.

"I could've helped you."

He rose his voice: "You couldn't have helped! You can't fix people! Your brother wasn't fixable! You couldn't have helped him and you can't help me!"

I stared at him, wide eyed, feeling tears slip down my face.

At first I couldn't speak, feeling so hurt and shocked that it had formed a ball of emotion in my throat.

But I swallowed around that ball and willed myself to talk.

My voice quiet and cracking, I said: "I hate to be yelled at. It scares me."

His eyes widened and he opened his mouth to say something, maybe apologize, but I couldn't stand there a moment longer, staring at him with his gaping wounds and broken pieces.

For I was sure that if I did, I would fall apart and crumble right in front of him.

I turned on my heel and walked out.

I only made it a couple steps away from the door before I broke down.

I slid down the wall, sobs rattling through my body.

They were so heavy and grief filled that I could barely breathe.

I too was drowning, my lungs filling with water with every breath I took.

Each tear I shed felt like a weight dragging me down and suddenly I was so exhausted that I couldn't hold myself up anymore.

I curled up on my side on the cold, hospital floor.

My chest ached and I felt as if I couldn't breathe.

I felt like all my organs and bones were rattling inside my body and I felt like sticky arsenic was running through my veins, burning my insides.

Everything hurt so bad that I couldn't move or think.

"Ana? Ana! Sweetie!"

I knew the voice and I knew it well, but I couldn't answer them.

Rose's cold hands wiped away tears and she enveloped my small body with her own.

Everything hurt and though Rose being there for me should of made it better, it didn't.

Instead, I sobbed harder and then I blacked out, all the pain disappearing.