Being a few feet away, reading letters I had never intended him or anyone else to read, Billy distracted me from my morning. Few from work noticed, though, as the holiday already preoccupied most people. I took a moment after shutting down my laptop to collect myself. I had written the letters over such a long time that I didn't even remember what they all said, but I could remember some highlights, and I knew there was a lot of anger and guilt.

"Hey," my voice creaked like the door of an old house.

"Hey," Billy's voice came breathy as he tucked the letter in his hand back into the box and stood.

"So... who's pathetic now?" I tried to dispel some of the tension.

"Lil, these are amazing. I never knew these things. I never knew you thought about me this much, this way."

"What? How could you not? Billy, I've always told you I love you."

"I know, but these," he held up the box. "I get it now. My music and how it's very mixed for you. I love them, and I hate them at the same time."

"Mmhmm, haven't hit the later ones, I guess," I sheepishly added. "Probably a little less over around there."

"No, but I read the one from when I married."

"Oh, this feels awkward." The angry letter came flooding back to me. "So when I said that I hated her and you for loving her... what I meant was..." I lifted my eyes to meet Billy's. "I hated her and you for loving her."

Billy let out a laugh that seemed to diffuse the tension. "Well, at least you didn't brutalize innocent living room furniture or publicly shame me on a platinum album." His hands hit my hips. "This helps; knowing your thoughts helps."

"It's only fair. I heard your thoughts, as did millions of my closest friends worldwide."

Billy tucked me into his chest and let his chin fall on the top of my head. "I'm sorry. You always told me you didn't like the idea of strangers knowing private things, but it..." His voice fell out.

"It didn't feel like private things about me. I was just there when you were writing about you.

"You're a part of me, one of the best parts of me. The part of me that feels, and breathes, and beats is you.

"So, the rest of you is dead?" I teased.

Billy peeled me from his chest and looked me straight into my eyes before adding, "yes, the part of me that shows up when you aren't around."

I burrowed my head into his chest, trying to hide my face from his intensity. "You can read them, but I don't want to talk about them."

"What? Why?"

"Because they're embarrassing," I murmured into his white t-shirt.

"You loving me is embarrassing?" His hand glided down my hair.

"Sometimes," I admitted.

"I love you. I love the girl who wrote these letters and the woman I'm holding right now."

Despite his words, I squirmed under the scrutiny.

With a heavy heave of his chest, he added, "want to go get lunch?"

"Yes!" The jolt of enthusiasm shot through me and rattled Billy's jaw. "Sorry," I winced.

He just let out a laugh and added, "any thoughts on what you want?"

"A Ramona's Italian," I unequivocally said.

"Sounds good to me." I expected to feel a tender peck on the crown of my head, but he pulled away just enough to drop to my lips.

His lips were hungry against mine and pulled my mind back to the torrid nights we had spent together over a decade ago. Suddenly, a different hunger erupted in me as I pushed deeper into him. His back muscles rippled beneath my fingertips as his hand gripped my hips. The swirl that developed in my stomach spread, hitting my knees and head simultaneously. I circled my arms around his thick neck to stop myself from folding to the ground. As though he could sense the threat, he pulled me closer to his body, so he was fully supporting me. His lips pulled from mine as he shifted me further up his body. I wrapped my legs around his waist as his kisses danced down my neck.

"Lunch is less appealing," I managed.

"Mmhmm," Billy murmured without lifting his lips from the delicate skin of my neck.

He leaned over as I spilled from his arms to the bed, but the separation was short. His lips returned to my neck as his arms supported his weight just inches above me. I wrapped my legs around him again, trying to pull him closer to me. I wanted to feel all his weight, but the tension broke Billy free of the moment. He let his face drop, so his forehead rested just below my chin as he caught his breath.

"Seraphina." His whisper coursed over my body, pricking goosebumps along my skin. I lifted a hand to his erratic mane of dark hair in one last attempt to keep him near, but it was of little use as he rolled to my side.

"So, we're still taking it slow." I sighed.

Billy didn't answer; he just picked up my hand and kissed it before letting it fall to his chest. He must have known it would call me to curl into him. His long arm looped around me as he kissed the top of my head.

"Slow isn't so terrible," I mused to myself as I let my hand smooth his t-shirt. I looked up just in time to see the edges of his lips tip up. "Let's go get you a piano," I said as I reluctantly pushed off his chest.

"And a tree," he added as he sat up and rubbed his hands across his face as though he were trying to wipe away the departing moments of a dream.

"Billy, we fly out tomorrow. It'd be silly to get a tree."

"Lil, it's Christmas Eve; we're getting a tree."

"Ugh, I think I have a fake one in the storage unit," I complained as I pursued my shoes for a pair to wear on errands.

"Isn't Maine the pine tree state?"

"Yeah, and Minnesota is the gopher state; that doesn't mean you want to have gophers running around everywhere."

Billy let out a laugh. "You know, it's not just the useless knowledge you possess I love; it's the random ways you use the facts that keeps me hanging on."

"My useless knowledge locks you in; good to know," I absently teased as I pulled a pair of booties from my closet. "I have to pack as well. We should get some boxes while we're out. I can leave a key with my neighbor and schedule a pickup."

"And where will you ship them?"

"Can we go ten minutes without a serious us conversation?"

Billy dramatically looked at his watch. "Ten minutes starts now..."

I gave him a wince of a smile as we headed to the door.

"So," he began in a fake-awkward tone... "how about that regional sporting team?"

"Really?"

"It's cold this time of the year..." He continued as he tried unsuccessfully to hide his dimples.

"I'll ship them to your house," I grumbled.

"Yeah, you will, my angry little elf."

"Angry little elf? That's the endearing nickname you use?"

"Just trying it out?"

"Okay, my annoying obtuse troll."

"Wow, really took that word endearing as far as it could stretch, Lil," but his tone was still toying as he opened the door for me.

I watched him pace around the car to the driver's side. His gait was light, almost bouncy. He slid into the car and turned it one in one smooth motion while humming to himself. It sent light through me. He was happy, genuinely happy, and I had made him happy via years of pathetic letters.

"Billy," I began.

"Mmhmm." He pulled onto the street and let a hand slip onto my knee.

"I love you." I couldn't stifle my broad grin. His mood was infectious.

"I know you do. You love me a lot; like if I didn't love you back, it would be concerning."

"Can this not be a thing?"

"How much you love me? Oh no, we are well past that; this is definitely a thing."

"Seriously," I whined.

"Nope, sorry, babe. I always thought there was no way you could love me even a fraction of what I love you, but I was wrong. You love me just as much." It wasn't his sincere, thick tone that came through. His voice was breezy with ease, like a child detailing their favorite Christmas present.

Billy Collins was young again. He was the boy that showed up at my doorstep with pathetic eyes, shocked that I'd let him inside. He was the boy that begged me to stay, the man that made room in his hospital bed, and the father that made a place in his family for me. He was my Billy Collins. I picked his heavy hand up with both of mine and lifted it to my lips.

"Merry Christmas, Lily," he softly whispered.

"Merry Christmas, my love," I whispered back as I sunk into his shoulder.