A big, black, box. Picking it up, I remembered all the times I cried myself to sleep looking at it. Asking myself what could've been if I was there. Would it be different now?

My heart started beating faster as I was touching it with the top of my fingers. Regret. Regret was filling up the space in my mind. And a bit of fear. Fear of facing the paper I didn't touch since the day it got handed to me. Several therapists were helping me recover. Everything was useless. Recovery was simply not possible when that carton was reminding me every day. But throwing it away would tear me apart. Shatter me in tiny little pieces.

Finally, I have the strength to read everything all over again. Actually, it wasn't strength, it was loneliness. I needed to remind myself that I'm not alone.

"Hey, Sis." Claire was coming from the front door catching me off guard, running towards me. "What's wrong? I hate to see you crying. Where is your beautiful smile? I know it's hard, but we'll get through it together, it'll get better I promise. If you don't want to talk about it that's okay." She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

"You are here? Don't you have to be at home? And where's Cassie? It's hard. I never thought I would say this, but I want to come with you." I started sobbing.

"Come on, I told you a thousand times that it's far away and you wouldn't like it there. It's not a place for you. Look... I only want what's best for you and you know that."

"I know, but I miss you. You should visit me more often." I wrapped my hands around her neck, leaning my head on her shoulder. She hugged me back. Claire always knew how to make me feel better when no one else couldn't.

"I would love to visit you more often too, but you know that's not possible. However, now I'm here and I won't leave until you feel better. I love you and you know that."

"I love you so incredibly much. How did you know that I needed you right now."

"This is what connects us." She pointed at my heart. "I feel everything you feel. It's a sister-sister thing. And I also got a day off so I decided to surprise you. The airplane landed a little later than it was supposed to, so that's why I arrived this late."

"The heart thing sounded a little cheesy, don't you think?" I let out a giggle.

"Yeah, but just a liiittle bit." She joined me and started laughing too.

"Promise me that this will last forever." I looked into her eyes. Every time I looked at them it felt like I got lost in the ocean.

"Forever and always." She held me tight, making me feel warm and safe. "I have a question." The tone of her voice turned into a more serious one.

"Go ahead," I said without letting go of her.

"Who wrote all these letters that are the reason you are crying? I mean look at this mess, the whole floor is covered with them."

"You, you wrote them."

I didn't even remember when I fell asleep. As soon as I woke up I reached with my hand to the other side of the bed, searching for Claire. She wasn't there. She was never there. The harsh reality took over again. Papers were still on the floor. It felt real. Hugging her felt so real, too real. Without even noticing I was already throwing the letters in the air and ripping them apart. The same way they did it to my heart. When I was done I went straight to the bathroom. Mirrors were my biggest enemy. My biggest weakness. Acne, dark circles under my eyes, and greasy hair. Looking in the mirror I couldn't recognize myself. The person staring at me with disgustment wasn't me. No, it was the demon that was slowly taking over me.

Harming myself to feel something, was a sin I committed way too often. A guilty pleasure of mine. Nothing could've stopped me from getting a knife at that moment. Scars were covering my body, a body I wish I could get rid of. All the jokes and dumb comments about how I look eventually caught up to me. Leaving me with insecurities and body dysmorphia. Every single time I looked into a mirror, another version of my body would appear. But what I saw would never leave me satisfied. It's a never-ending cycle. The worst thing about it was that nobody cared. Everyone was too busy thinking about their own problems. No one checking up on me. Asking me how I feel, or how I'm doing. Even a simple sentence like "I'll always be there if you need someone to talk to" would be enough for me.

The inner demon in me wanted to unfold and take over, but I couldn't let that happen. I promised myself, whatever happens, I won't hurt myself again. This time I needed to stick to the promise I made. If there's one thing my parents taught me, it was to never break a promise, so why would I break this one?

I let the knife fall onto the floor. Pushing it off won't get me anywhere, I knew what I had to do. As I walked around in the living room, I collected every single note and put it back into the box.

Letting out a sigh I closed the door to my room. I rushed down the stairs and ran down the streets, not paying attention to the people that were looking at me. Once I got closer I could finally see the silver gates leading to the place I despised. A place which will later or sooner be everyone's home. The graveyard. The whole concept of dying one day creeped me out. Especially, because there's nothing we can do but wait.

"You were only nineteen." The pain of everything was unbearable, I sank to my knees and collapsed onto the grass. I felt as if I lost everything. Everything that meant a lot to me. I felt as if I was drowning, drowning without anyone to save me. Shivers up my spine... everything was spinning. Sadness and anger combined, were the two emotions that were going through my head. The time we spent together. Those were happy times. At least for one of us.

"I love you," I said one last time, as I kissed the tombstone. Putting down the box made me realize that this could be a new chapter of my life. A happier one. Maybe there is still hope out there waiting for me. Instead of reading about people's stories and how happy they were, maybe it was time to start living my own one. And one day I'll probably have my happy ending. Or not. However, what matters now was letting go. Letting go of the past. Because that's the one thing we can't change. "Rest in peace, Claire."

Was this even real? Did this really happen? Did I finally let go? There was still a long way in front of me till I could forgive myself for what I did. But I was willing to make the effort and make it happen.

A little butterfly landed on my shoulder. It was so beautiful. What if that butterfly was my sister trying to tell me how proud she is? I knew that it sounded ridiculous, but as long as it made sense to me. A little smile appeared on my face. The last time I genuinely smiled was a long time ago. I looked at the tattoo on my thigh that said "but without the dark, we'd never see the stars". The day that I got that tattoo, Claire was holding my hand. She'd always say that sentence when I felt sad. Was she happy that I got the tattoo? No. Did she try talking me out of getting it? Yes. Yet she still held my hand, because I was afraid of the pain I'd feel.

This time there was no one there to help me get through it, that was the moment I realized that I didn't need anyone but myself.

"I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go..." I repeated a few times quietly, trying to convince myself that I was ready to go. Knowing that I could visit her every time I wanted to, made it easier for me. There was one last thing left that I had to get rid of before ending this chapter of my miserable life. The bracelet. Two years since I got it. Two years since I took it off. Two years since she passed away and left this world behind. As much as I wanted to scream, cry and do the same thing she did, I couldn't. I needed to be stronger than that. Stronger for me. She would want me to be happy. It was the only sentence that kept me alive at that moment.

"That's it. See you in another lifetime." I carefully put down the silver bracelet on top of the box. A few seconds passed by before I started walking away.

And then I noticed that I had company.

I'm sorry if you ever had to experience a death of a loved one, but I promise you you're not alone. You can always talk to me. Remember that life is worth fighting for. <3 I hope you enjoyed this chapter. See you soon!

~T