CHAPTER TWENTY TWO
losing my religion.
season two, episodes twenty
six and twenty seven.

☆ trigger warning ☆
mentions of gun violence

CASSIE COULD VAGUELY HEAR THE SOUND OF SOMEONE SAYING HER NAME. Bright lights flickered above her eyes, her disorientation only adding to the confusion swimming in her brain.

When she opened her eyes, Cassie vaguely recognized her surroundings as the ER. She was wheeled into a trauma room, unable to clearly see the doctors at her bedside.

"GSW to the lower left abdomen, bullet is lodged inside," she heard a deep voice say.

"Ouch," she mumbled incoherently.

"Cassie, you're okay. You're going to be okay."

She recognized the familiar comforting yet panicked voice; Dr. Bailey.

She was fading in and out of consciousness, but immediately became alert when her shirt was lifted up. Entirely confused and out of it, all she knew was that she didn't want anyone to touch her. She didn't even know where she was.

"Stop... stop, let me... 'm fine..." Cassie slurred out, unaware of how her words blurred together.

"We need to check the wound—"

"No, stop, it's.... 'm 'kay...."

"Okay," Bailey's voice infiltrated her hazy mind. "Okay, Cassie, you were shot. You're gonna be alright, but we need to examine you, okay?"

"N... no..."

Unable to keep her eyes open, Cassie squeezed them shut. Everything is too loud. Why does her stomach hurt? Who's touching her? Why do they need to examine her, she's perfectly fine? Right? Did Bailey say that someone got shot?

"Cassie," Bailey interrupted in a soft voice, smoothing down the hair stuck to her forehead. "You're in shock right now, but you're safe, I promise."

"No... no, let me go home..."

Bailey looked at the monitor worriedly as her stats began to drop. "Someone get me a sedative!"

(Cassie, unaware of her own movements let alone what was going on, began thrashing around. In pain and oblivious, all she knew that was that it hurt.)

Cassie blearily looked around the room, taking short breaths as her chest rose and fell rapidly.

"Addie...? Can you can Addie... 'm stomach... maybe it's... maybe she can fix it..."

"Okay," Bailey sighed, instantly paging Addison. "Okay, she's coming, Cassie. It's okay, Addison is coming."

Suddenly, Cassie gasped, her arms flailing as she attempted and failed to get up.

"Denny! Burke— Burke got shot, something is wrong with Denny!"

"Cassie, you need to calm—"

"No! Burke got shot! He, he got shot, and Denny is dying and I'm bleeding and I should be helping!" Cassie cried hysterically. "If he— I have to help, please!"

Bailey grabbed her hand. "No one is dying, Cassie, but we need to get you to the OR."

The monitors started beeping erratically as Cassie lost consciousness.

"Bailey, you paged— oh, my god."

"I need you you examine her," Bailey rushed out, giving Addison a pointed look which told her everything she needed to know. "Time is a factor."

"Oh, my god," Addison repeated, staring down at Cassie's unconscious body, bleeding out.

"Addison, I understand that you care about her, and this is a big shock, and definitely not your field of expertise," Bailey said sympathetically, "But she won't let anyone else touch her, and she asked for you."

Addison nodded, determined. "I got this, Dr. Bailey."

☆

Meanwhile, Derek was in the trauma room with Burke, examining his hand function after he was shot in the shoulder.

"How's Harper?" Burke asked, slightly delirious from the pain medication.

"What do you mean?" Derek frowned, looking from him to the Chief, who was actively avoiding his gaze. "What happened to Cassie? Where is she?"

"She was shot," Burke said bluntly. "I was shot first, but I saw her go down. There was blood. A lot of it."

Derek froze in place. "Cassie was shot?" He looked at the Chief accusingly.

"Derek—"

"I have to see her." He moved to look around the ER through the glass. "Where the hell is she?!"

"Derek," Webber raised his voice. "She's being taken care of. We need you in here. Burke needs you in here."

Derek shook his head rapidly. "I can't lose her."

"Bailey has her. You won't. I promise."

☆

In Denny's room, to say the atmosphere was chaotic would be the understatement of the year. One by one, the interns, excluding Alex who was still at Mercy West and Cassie who was in the ER, entered the room after Izzie cut the LVAD wire.

They were able to get Denny's heart restarted, but he was crashing. When Cristina broke the news that Burke was shot, Izzie began to panic.

"Burke's not coming," the blonde stated.

"Cristina, are you okay?" Meredith asked.

Cristina shook her head. "I'm fine. I'm fine.
But..."

"What?" George frowned.

"Burke wasn't the only... Cassie was shot," she said numbly. "In the stomach. It's bad."

"What?!" the other three interns shouted.

"It doesn't look good," Cristina managed to say. "She's bleeding out."

"Cassie might die," Meredith said quietly to herself. "Oh, god."

"Burke's not coming," Izzie repeated.

George leaned against the wall, his eyes tearing up at the thought of losing his best friend. "Cassie—"

"Burke's not coming!"

Cristina rolled her eyes. "No Izzie! Burke is not coming. I know you're having problems here with your possible murder charges and your unbelievably stupid idea of stealing a heart, but Burke's kind of busy right now!"

Izzie looked up scared. "Denny's gonna die. Denny's gonna die and I killed him."

George turned to her and yelled. "You shouldn't have done it!"

"George!"

"We have to tell someone."

"No! Denny won't get the heart and Izzie will get kicked out of the program!"

Cristina shook her head. "Uh uh, I'm leaving."

"What?"

"Cristina!"

"You know, Burke and Cassie could die too! Complications arise all the time because of gunshot wounds." She turned to Izzie. "You think about that."

Izzie looked down crying. "Oh my god."

"Oh, you know what none of this would've happened if you were thinking with your head!" Cristina shouted.

"I did what I thought was best!"

George began to yell as well. "Did you think about the rules? Did you think about the rules for one second? Did you think about Cassie, about how broken she'll be if he dies? If she even survives this?!"

"I did what I thought was best!" Izzie screamed.

"Shut up!" Meredith snapped, stepping into the middle of the room. "No one is leaving, and no one is dying."

"Thank you," a gruff voice said from the hospital bed. The interns turned their gazes down to Denny, who was awake, but barely breathing. "All the yelling was getting on my nerves."

☆

"She's bottoming out," Addison shouted anxiously, starting compressions on Cassie's chest. "Get me the paddles!"

"Charge to 200, clear!"

Nothing.

"Charge to 260, clear!"

Nothing.

"Charge 300, clear!"

Still nothing.

While Addison and Bailey were shocking her heart, they were unaware of the other presence who had entered the room.

"Charge to 360, clear!"

Nothing.

"Addison," Bailey trailed off, her eyes glassy. "Maybe we should think about—"

"Charge again," Derek said blank faced, staring at Cassie's lifeless body from the doorway.

"Derek—"

"I said, charge again!" he yelled, moving to stand by Cassie's head. Addison and Bailey shared a hopeless look, but did it nonetheless.

"Okay, charge again. Clear!"

☆

In Denny's room, the interns were still working to save his life, and Izzie was becoming even more hysterical.

"I know him!" Izzie argued with Cristina. "Maybe I don't live with him or work with him like you do with Burke, but I do know him. And there's, there's possibility here. And given the choice of running or staying—"

"You should run!" she interrupted. "A sane person, a person who values her career and everything she's worked for, a person who values her own heart for God's sake, that person would run."

Denny suddenly opened his eyes and turned to Izzie. "Where's bubbles?"

Everyone stilled their movements and looked at him.

"Denny..." Izzie trailed off.

Denny looked around at the doctors surrounding him. "What happened?"

"Your girlfriend got Cass shot," Cristina scoffed bluntly, making Izzie turn to her with wide eyes. "That's what happened."

Denny gasped, his eyes rolling back and passing out once again.

☆

"Okay, we need to get her to the OR fast. She's crashing," Bailey hurried out while she wheeled the Cassie to the elevator.

The intern flatlined, making her legally dead for about a minute. Luckily, she no longer was.

"You got this, Miranda?" Addison questioned, squeezing Cassie's limp hand despite receiving no response.

Bailey nodded, pressing the button to the OR floor as the doors closed. "I got this. Don't worry."

Derek walked out of Burke's room in the ICU, his mind filled with worried thoughts. He looked to his left, and saw Addison standing in the middle of the hallway, staring at the elevator doors with an unreadable expression.

"Is she okay?"

"She will be," Addison sighed. "She has to be."

Derek ran his hands through his hair, finally allowing himself to tear up. "I can't lose her, Addison. I can't."

Addison let out a sharp breath. "Me neither."

"She's my sister," he said, trying to stop the sobs threatening to escape. "I love her so much. I thought she was dead. I mean, she was dead. I don't know if I would've been able to live without her."

She rested her head on his shoulder. "None of us could live without her."

"She'll be okay, right?"

"Yeah. She'll be okay."

Derek ran a hand through his hair. "Someone should, uh," he paused, reluctant. "Someone should call Mark. He deserves to know."

Addison nodded, taking out her phone and dialing the familiar number.

☆

Hours later, Cassie was being put into a room in the ICU after her successful surgery. Bailey tore off her scrub cap, leaning over the sink with relief clear in her expression.

"Thank god," she mumbled, a mixture of a sob and a laugh leaving her lips. "Oh, thank god."

The resident made her way to Burke's room, where he was awaiting being brought to surgery for his arm that was shot.

"Anything I can get for you Dr. Burke?" Bailey asked, stepping into the room.

"No," he shook his head. "I'm fine. How's Harper?"

"Physically?" Bailey sighed. "She's okay. The bullet lodged itself in her left kidney, which is why her condition worstened so quickly, but I was able to repair the organ without the need for a transplant. Mentally? I can't say."

"She hasn't woken up yet?"

"No, not yet." Bailey shook her head of negative thoughts, sending the attending a smile. "Come on. There must be something I can do for you."

Burke sighed. "Uh, it would be nice to have some ice chips. And a touch of morphine if I'm allowed. And, uh, and Cristina."

Bailey sighed softly. "Coming right up." She moved to leave, but stopped in her tracks at the doorway. "Where is Cristina?" she mumbled, before raising her voice a bit. "Where are all of the suck ups?"

"Excuse me?"

"My interns," she said loudly, narrowing her eyes. "My ass kissing, surgery hungry, competitive suck ups. Where are they? Why aren't they here fetching you ice chips and morphine? Why aren't they here sucking up, or greeting their friend that just got out of life threatening surgery?" Burke remained silent. "You know something."

Burke raised his eyebrows. "I'm a patient."

"Preston Xavier Burke, what have you done with my suck-ups?"

☆

"He's in SVT!" Izzie yelled.

"No, Izzie, stop pumping. Stop," Cristina said.

"No, there's no change," George added.

Meredith rummaged through some of the drawers on the cart Izzie brought in. "We need that medicine."

"What medicine?"

"Cassie knows, she told me the other day. God, why can't I remember?" Cristina groaned.

Meredith shrugged. "I'll know it when I see it."

"I think that's the one that stops the heart," George said. "Here, hold the mask." George got out a small text book from his pocket.

Denny mumbled incoherently through the oxygen mask, and tried to remove it. "No. Please keep my heart beating."

Izzie moved over to him. "It only stops your heart for 6 seconds."

"Meredith, it's Adenosine!"

"Uh, his heart is speeding up guys!"

"You guys we need to do something! He can not take this for much longer!"

"What about shocking him?"

"I found it," Meredith said, handing the medicine to George.

"Cristina, come over here," George nodded. "Lift up his arm, The nurses always lift up the arm when they push adenosine. Gets to the heart faster."

Izzie looked around nervous. "Okay, Denny you're going to feel a little, um—"

"Izzie!" Denny yelled muffled through his mask.

"No it's okay! Its okay, it just feels like—"

"I'm gonna die," he cried.

"You're not going to die! I promise! It's just the meds!"

"Bubbles will kill you!" Denny shouted.

"Okay we're heading back to flat line. Are you sure we used the right drugs?" Cristina asked.

"The book said it was the right one."

"I used the one I know."

"He's not going to die, right? Right?"

The monitor flat lined, and Izzie turned to look at the screen. They all just stared. All of a sudden, the monitor started beeping and Denny let out a large gasp of air. They all looked relieved, and Izzie started pumping his heart again.

"You fools better have a good explanation for this."

The interns turned around and saw Bailey standing in the doorway, a harsh glare on her face.

☆

Cassie slowly opened her eyes, and was greeted with an empty room. Light entered through the blinds in the window, letting her know it was at least a day, if not multiple days, since the last time she was awake.

Within a few seconds of having her eyes open, Derek came rushing in.

"You're awake," he smiled. "Finally. How are you feeling?"

Cassie's brows caved inwards. "Do I know you? Where am I?"

Derek's eyes widened as he immediately took out his flashlight, checking her pupils for brain damage. "Cass?"

"What's a Cass?" she frowned. "Who are you?"

Derek took a step back, anxiety creeping over him as he examined her.

And then she started laughing.

"You should've seen your face, Der!" Cassie snorted, her eyes crinkling under the force of her smile. "That was so fucking hilarious."

"Not funny," he mumbled, "really, very, not funny."

She continued to laugh, but winced in pain after a moment. "Oh, ouch."

"You were shot in the lower left abdomen," he told her, noticing her confusion.

"Huh. Explains why I can barely sit up straight," she laughed, before seeing his downcast face. "Oh. It hit my kidney, didn't it? I need a transplant?"

"No, no," he shook his head. "You're fine. It's not you."

"It's not..." she trailed off, her smile fading when she remembered the events leading up to where she was now. "Denny."

"Cass—"

"He was dying, Der! Oh god, is he dead?"

"No, he's not dead," Derek said carefully. "He, uh, he got the heart. He's in recovery right now. He's stable. Burke is okay as well."

Cassie breathed out a sigh of relief. "Oh, that's great. Jesus, I thought he was dead. You need to work on your facial expressions."

"There actually is something else you should know," he said after a moment.

"What?" Cassie frowned.

"There were, um, complications, before his surgery," Derek told her.

"What kind of complications?"

He took a deep breath, and told her everything.

☆

"Cass!" Meredith and Cristina exclaimed in unison, running into the room and crushing her in a hug.

"Ouch," Cassie groaned. "Hurts."

"Oh, sorry!" Cristina backed up. "Sorry."

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked. "I mean, I see that you're okay, but are you okay, really? Well, wait, of course you're not—"

"I'm fine," she said, flashbacks to what Derek told her crossing her mind as she looked at them, as well as George and Alex, who were standing in the doorway.

They all helped her, Derek had said. After she cut the wire. They helped.

"Are you sure?" George asked, sitting down in a chair.

"Yes."

"Are you sure, sure?" Alex questioned.

"Yes. You can go now."

The four looked at each other warily. They were used to the warm and sweet Cassie, not the cold and distant version of her.

"Cassie, we're sorry—" Cristina said, cutting herself off as a certain blonde entered the room.

"Hey," Izzie looked around. "Listen, I know that you know everything and I just wanted to... check on you..." she trailed off when Cassie made eye contact with her.

"Out."

"What?" Izzie frowned.

"Get out."

"Cassie—"

"The next time I see you," Cassie said, staring into Izzie's eyes with a deathly calm gaze, "I'm going to kill you. So if I were you, I would get out. Now."

Meredith sighed, "Cass."

"Leave. All of you."

☆

Cassie positioned herself in the wheelchair she convinced Meredith to steal for her. Sneakily moving past the rooms in the ICU, she finally came across the one she was looking for.

"Wait a minute," Denny grinned as she wheeled herself inside and shut the door. "I thought I was the only one allowed to be in a hospital gown. You're stealing my look, bubbles."

Cassie's lip wobbled as she moved over to the edge of the bed. "You really scared me."

"Well, you really scared me. They almost had to find me a second heart when I found out what happened to you."

"I thought you were—" Cassie choked on her own words. "When I was at Mercy West, they, um, they told me you were—"

"Hey, hey, hey, no crying," Denny smiled, reaching out a hand and wiping her tears. "This is a good day."

"Yeah," Cassie chuckled, grabbing his hand. "This is— holy shit," she swore. "You're hand is warm. Your hand is never warm."

"Awesome, right?"

"Totally awesome."

The two talked for hours about nothing in particular, reminiscing and teasing with wide grins on their faces.

Eventually, Denny cleared his throat. "So."

"So," Cassie repeated, glancing at the door to make sure no insane blondes would come in any time soon.

"We need to talk about the elephant in the room."

"Oh, you mean the fact that your girlfriend tried to kill you?"

Denny smiled sheepishly. "Have I ever told you how smart you are?"

"I know how smart I am. I'm a genius. But that's besides the point." She took a deep breath. "You could've died, Denny. Because of her."

"I know, bubbles," he conceded. "But—"

"No buts. She hurt you, Den. I won't— no, I can't, forgive her."

"I understand," he nodded. "But despite everything that happened, I still care for her."

Cassie scoffed. "Why?"

Denny looked down, conflicted. "I don't know, to be honest." He moved his gaze back up to Cassie, squeezing her hand in reassurance. "But that doesn't matter right now. What matters, is that I'm here. You're here. And we survived, together."

A smile tugged at Cassie's lips as she squeezed it back. "I really do love you, you know. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Denny smiled. "And now, you'll never have to find out."

Meredith came into the room, hesitant to speak to Cassie after what happened earlier. "Hey, uh, Cass," she said, gaining their attention. "You need to take your meds. The nurse has been looking for you for hours."

"Go away," Cassie demanded.

Denny frowned. "Hey, none of that. If it weren't for your friends, I would be dead. Cut her some slack."

Cassie nodded reluctantly. "But not Izzie."

"Of course not," he shrugged, "I wouldn't expect you to. But go easy on the rest, yeah? For your old man?"

She playfully nudged him in the arm. "Fine, only because you finally agreed with me that you're senile."

"I said old," Denny returned the gesture with a grin. "Watch your mouth, kid."

Cassie laughed, leaning over to give Denny a hug. Well, she did the best she could, considering she had a fresh surgical scar and was sitting in a wheelchair.

"I love you, Den. So much."

"I love you more, bubbles."

"See you soon?"

"See you soon."

☆

Cassie was in her hospital bed, watching Jersey Shore while everyone else was downstairs at the impromptu prom held for Webber's niece.

"I can't do it," Derek sighed, staring at her through the glass. "I can't hurt her like that."

"Well someone has to," Meredith told him, turning to Cristina, who was on her other side, staring at Cassie with pity.

"Me?" Cristina shook her head. "Yeah, no. You know how I am with the emotional stuff."

"Cristina."

Sighing heavily, she gave Meredith a pointed look. "I can't tell her, Mer. It will break her."

Glancing between the two, Meredith rolled her shoulders back and fixed her posture. "Fine. I'll be the bad guy. I'll do it."

Cassie looked up as the blonde opened the door, smiling from something she saw on the screen. "Hey."

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah, how was prom?" the brunette asked, muting the volume. "You look great!"

"Um, thanks," Meredith forced a smile.

"You know, as much as I hate lying in bed and doing nothing, I gotta admit, I have a soft spot for Snooki."

Meredith took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the bed. "We need to talk."

Cassie's smile faltered at the sight of her person's face. After turning off the TV and facing Meredith, her anxiety started to rise.

"Is everything okay?"

"No, uh, not really."

"What happened?" She received no response. "Mer, you can tell me. What's going on?"

"Cassie, I'm so sorry," Meredith said, shaking her head in sympathy as she began to tear up. "I am so, so, sorry."

Sitting up straight, Cassie nervously tucked her hair behind her ear. "You're scaring me, Meredith." She stayed silent. "Just tell me."

"Denny died at 7:42 this evening."

Meredith watched as the happiness left Cassie's eyes. It only took a second.

"I know you have a dark sense of humor, but that's really not funny."

"Denny died," she said softly. "I'm so sorry, Cass. There was a post-op complication. There was nothing anyone could do."

"Denny died?" Cassie repeated, stone faced. "He's dead?"

Meredith nodded sadly, repeating the only thing she could think at the moment. "I'm so sorry."

Cassie stared at her person. "He can't be dead."

Her eyes began to water, a stray tear escaping and running down her cheek. She followed Meredith's gaze, turning to look through the glass. As she made eye contact with Derek, he simply nodded, not able to look her in the eye.

And then she broke.

Meredith held her closely as Cassie sobbed into her chest, looking up helplessly at Cristina, who did nothing but frown at the sight.

"I didn't get to say goodbye," Cassie cried, holding her hands in front of her face. "I didn't get to tell him goodbye."

"Shh," Meredith soothed, not knowing what to do. "Shh, Cass. It's okay."

"It's not okay!" she screamed, making the others wince. "None of this is okay!"

Meredith hugged her even closer, resting her head on top of her brunette hair. "I'm so sorry."

Cassie rapidly shook her head, trying to pull away, not wanting to be comforted. "I didn't get to say goodbye... I didn't tell him how much I love him—"

"He knew, Cass. He knew, and he loved you too. Trust me. He knew."

Sobs continued to rack her body as she buried herself into the mattress. Meredith, Derek, and Cristina cried with her, wanting nothing more than to take her pain away. But they couldn't.

"He can't be dead!"