CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR
some kind of miracle.
season three, episode seventeen.

tw: mentions of eating disorders —
there will be a brief summary at the end of
the chapter for those of you who need it!

WHEN CASSIE OPENED HER EYES, SHE WAS LAYING IN A HOSPITAL BED. A golden light was shining through the blinds, and she felt as light as a feather. The only thing she could really feel were her emotions, which seemed to be in overdrive, yet nonexistent all at once.

She carefully stepped out of the bed, and realized she was in a hospital gown. Exiting the room, the hospital was completely bare. Not even the sounds of oxygen tanks or the beeps of the flatline monitors could be heard.

Cassie slowly walked through the hallways, and somehow ended up in front of an elevator. It was almost like she wasn't in control of her own movements, yet she led herself there.

Confused, she turned to look behind her. Looking for someone, or something, that could explain this.

Suddenly, she heard the ding of the elevator, and the familiar voice that she'd missed more than anything.

"Hey there, bubbles. It's been a while."

☆

"What do we got?" Bailey asked the paramedic as the ambulance pulled up to the hospital.

"Jane Doe, hypothermic, drowning."

"She's not Jane Doe," Derek said quickly, stepping out of the ambulance and tripping over his own feet. "It's Meredith Grey. It's Meredith."

Bailey's eyes widened. "Derek! Derek, Derek, how long has she been down?"

"I don't know, Cassie got her out of the water," he shook his head feverishly.

"Cassie? She's okay?"

"Yeah, I mean she was on the ferry, but she— she's fine."

Bailey frowned, looking inside the ambulance. "Well, where is she?"

Derek paused and looked around. "I-I don't know. She was right behind me."

"Okay, Derek—"

"She's alive, she's alive," he murmured, staring blankly at Meredith.

"Derek!"

"She's alive."

"Okay, look. I need you to help me get her inside," Bailey said, trying to stay calm. "Clear a trauma bay, stat! Move it!"

☆

Meredith's body was lying on the trauma bed. Derek, after being kicked out of the room, was sitting in the hall with his head in his hands.

"Back to asystole. Keep compressions going," Webber shouted, looking up at her monitor.

Addison entered the room, her breath catching in her throat. "Oh, my god."

"She's hypothermic," Burke sighed.

"Uh, have you tried a warm peritoneal lavage? Or even, a continuous bladder lavage with warm fluids? Could do a thoracotomy."

"Get back to the ABG," Webber ordered. "Come on, lets go people."

In the hall, Mark came up to Derek, sat next to him silently, and gently put a hand on his arm.

"If it weren't for Cassie, she would still be in that water," Derek mumbled. "I didn't save her."

"Cassie?" Mark repeated, turning his body to face him. "She was there? Is she okay? Where is she, Derek? Is she okay?"

"She's okay," Derek assured. "She was there, but only had minor injuries. She was right behind me, I'm not sure where she went."

"Probably stayed to help," Mark said, trying to convince himself more than anything. "You know how she is."

"Yeah."

"Meredith is going to be okay."

"....yeah."

☆

Mark left Derek when he was paged to the ER. With the amount of preoccupied doctors, they needed all the help they could get. Bailey joined him as well, since Webber and Burke had Meredith covered.

"Jane Doe, probably in her early twenties. Suffered from ventricular fibrillation of unknown orgin, flatlined out in the field seventeen minutes ago. We haven't been able to bring her back," a paramedic informed them.

"She's DOA," another paramedic said. "You just need to call it."

Bailey nodded. "Alright, time of—"

She cut herself off when she saw the patient's face. Mark looked at her in question, until he followed her eyeline, and immediately froze in his tracks.

"Cass?"

☆

"Tell me," Derek demanded, standing up and looking at Addison expectantly after she left Meredith's room.

She sighed. "Her temp is still only 86. There's still no heartbeat. Were hoping once she warms up—"

"I want to go in there."

"No."

He ran a hand through his hair. "There's a risk of brain damage. I need to go in there."

"Derek, you can't," Addison disagreed. "Not for Meredith, not for anybody. You're in no—"

"OUT OF THE WAY!" Mark yelled, drawing their attention to him, as well as the intern's that were standing out in the hall.

"Is that—"

"Trauma room two, let's go, people!" Bailey shouted, sitting on the gurney and doing compressions as it was wheeled down the hallway.

"No," Derek took a step back, shaking his head feverently. "No, no, she was okay—"

"Does she look okay to you?" Mark snapped.

"Holy—" Addison gasped, staring down at Cassie's limp body. "What the hell happened?"

"She was on the ferry, she's been down for eighteen minutes, and that's all we know," Bailey said, before raising her voice to a shout. "Get me those damn paddles!"

☆

The interns watched through the window as Cassie's heart continued to remain still.

"What happened to her?" Izzie asked, horrified.

"She's dead," Cristina said in realization.

"I heard she was okay though, she got Meredith out of the water," George said rapidly. "She saved her. They said that she was okay."

Alex stared through the glass, shaking his head in denial. "Nothing about this is okay."

"She's dead," Cristina said to herself with a blank expression. "They're both dead."

☆

"Charge again!"

"Oh my god," Addison said, watching them try and fail to restart her heart over and over again. "Oh, my god."

Derek leaned against the wall, sobbing with his head in his hands. "This can't... this cannot be happening—"

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Mark shouted. "How could you just leave her there all alone?"

"Dr. Sloan," Bailey sighed from the other side of the table. "She's been down for thirty two minutes. She's gone."

"She's not gone until I say she's gone," Mark demanded, moving to stand by Cassie's head. "Charge again."

Bailey, overcome with emotion, took a moment to collect herself. "Okay," she nodded at the nurse controlling the paddles. "Clear!"

They watched the monitor closely as the flatline continued.

Ten seconds later, there was a beep.

"We've got a rhythm," Bailey breathed out a sigh of relief. "Barley, but it's there."

"Doctors, you'll want to see this," the nurse said, pointing to the screen showing her brain waves. "She has minimal brain activity."

There was a tense silence.

"She's not brain dead. She can come back from this," Bailey stated optimistically, while Addison dragged Derek from the room, and Mark simply stared down at her lifeless body.

☆

The next thing she knew, Cassie was back to sitting on the hospital bed, with a (very much alive) Denny standing right in front of her.

"This is the ketamine neurotransmitter thing, right?" she said obviously. "I'm unconscious and on drugs, so I'm hallucinating my dead kind-of dad."

"Cassie, you're dying."

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to be able to see you again. But since this isn't real, it's kind of a bummer, no offense."

"This isn't your brain on drugs," Denny sighed. "Your heart stopped for a long time, bubbles, and now you have barely any brain function—"

"Seriously, I love you more than anything, and it totally makes sense why I'm seeing you right now, but that doesn't change the fact that this is just my own imagination playing tricks on me."

"Cass, this isn't your imagination—"

"And why a hospital? I could've been in the Bahamas or some shit, but I'm stuck in a hospital?" Cassie scoffed. "This sucks."

Denny sighed to himself, knowing that this was going to be difficult. If he couldn't get her to fight, sooner rather than later... her time would run out.

☆

Addison stepped out into the area where the interns were anxiously gathered. "Meredith, um, it's not good," she sighed. "They were able to get Cassie's heart beating, but that's all I know right now."

Cristina jumped up. "Is Meredith still cyanotic? What was her initial temp? What's taking so long? And what happened to Cassie? Is she okay? What's wrong?"

"Dr. Yang! It's not good. They're doing everything they can, but you should maybe... prepare yourselves," she said slowly, looking down at her pager. "I have to go, my Jane Doe's awake."

"I'm coming with you," Alex said.

"Prepare ourselves?" Cristina scoffed. "That's what we tell the families before we call time of death."

"They're going to be okay," Izzie said determinedly, and a bit guilty when she thought of Cassie.

George furrowed his brows. "Sometimes, you're wrong."

Bailey came out, making the four eagerly turn their attention to her, immediately noticing her solemn expression. "Cassie, she—"

"What is it?" George questioned, on the brink of tears.

"Cassie has minimal brain function," she said. "She's on a ventilator, and we're running some tests to figure out exactly what happened. There's a chance she could wake up, but it's, um, it's very low."

Cristina backed away, an incredulous look on her face. "No. I'm not doing this."

☆

"You need to listen to me," Denny sighed. "You're dying."

"How could I be dying?" Cassie scoffed. "I'm perfectly healthy."

"You and I both know that's not true."

She froze in her place.

"I— I don't know what you're talking about."

☆

"Dr. Bailey, the results for Ms. Harper," a nurse said, handing her Cassie's chart.

As Bailey read over the papers, flipping back and forth just to confirm, a frown formed on her face. "Oh, this can't be right."

"It is," the nurse nodded, raising a brow.

☆

Denny took Cassie to an empty hallway, sitting on one side while she sat on the other.

"Why are you dying?" he asked her, as if she should already know the answer.

Cassie avoided eye contact. "I'm not."

"You are."

There was a long pause.

"You know, if I would've known this is how our reunion in the afterlife was going to play out, I probably would've just stayed alive."

Denny tilted his head, a strange look on his face. "Why are you dying, Cassandra?"

"I don't know," she shrugged dubiously, tracing the lines on the tiled floor with her finger. "I don't know."

☆

"She's in early stage heart failure," Bailey told Derek and Mark, sitting across from them in the conference room. "Which, based on her labs, was worsened due to her being about fifteen pounds underweight."

Mark glanced to Derek, who looked right back at him with a guiltily expression. "That can't be right."

"It is. Because of this, her heart was incredibly weak to begin with," she explained. "It's smaller and weaker than normal, making it more difficult for blood to circulate at a healthy rate. Cassie was already in the very beginning stages of heart failure, and when the ferry crashed, it added more stress..." she paused. "That, mixed with the effect of diving into the ocean and saving Meredith, seeing her best friend dead... it was too much for her."

Derek put his elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands. "This is my fault... this is all my fault."

Mark furrowed his brows. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, my god," he shook his head feverishly, mumbling into his hands. "I knew she was getting bad again, and I didn't— I didn't do anything, I—"

"Woah, woah, slow down," Bailey put her hand up. "Getting bad again? Was she bad before?"

"No," Mark said slowly, realizing what Derek was getting at. "No, I would've noticed."

"Explain, please," Bailey said impatiently.

The two men shared a look. "Cassie used to have anorexia," Derek said tearfully. "It wasn't on purpose... when she was young, about 13, her anxiety became much worse than usual. She just... stopped eating."

"She didn't mean to," Mark clarified. "She felt so out of control, that eating was the last thing on her mind, you know? But she got help, went to treatment, and she, well, she's been fine for years now."

Bailey frowned deeply, thinking about her intern rather than the attending's feelings when she said, "Yeah, well clearly, she's not anymore."

Mark sank back in his chair, wondering how he managed to miss something this big, while Derek did the same, running a hand through his hair in distress.

"I can't believe I didn't—"

"Hey," Bailey said sternly, causing Derek to finally look up. "This is not your fault, alright?"

"She needed help, and I didn't help her!" He raised his voice. "I'm her brother! It's my job to protect her, and I did the opposite! I'm the one who told her to get on that ferryboat. I let her convince me that she was fine, that she was okay."

"Derek, listen to me," Bailey spoke up when Mark didn't. "It's not your fault." Derek shook his head in denial. "It's not your fault."

He paused, and began to break down. "She was hurting, and she was all alone. I was supposed to be there for her, and I failed. So yes, this is all my fault."

☆

"You need to tell me why you're dying, Cassie," Denny sighed. "Now."

Cassie looked up at him, laughing to herself incredulously. "Fine. I'm dead, okay? I believe you."

"Cassie."

"Can't I just go to heaven or hell or wherever I'm heading, and we can just forget about this and move on?"

Denny stood up and stepped forward, his arms crossed. "Why are you so willing to accept that you're dead?"

"I'm not," she mumbled. "But why are you acting like it's a bad thing? Aren't you happy to see me?"

Denny squatted down so he was eye level with her, unshed tears pooling in his eyes.

"Because you don't belong here, bubbles," he whispered. "I wish you could stay, but you can't. And if I allow myself to be happy right now, to accept that you could stay with me forever, I might not be able to let you go."

Cassie sniffled, wiping her nose on the back of her hand. "I really miss you."

"I miss you more. Every day." Cassie smiled sadly, taking his hand in her own. "But you need to tell me why you're dying."

She let go of his hand.

"I don't—"

"Yes, you do," Denny interjected. "You haven't been eating."

"What?" Cassie replied, too fast to be truthful. "Yes, I have. I don't know what you're talking about."

"No, you haven't."

"Why... that doesn't matter. I was in a crash, okay? That's why I'm dying, right?"

"You're a doctor, Cass. A genius," he sighed. "You know exactly what not eating properly can do to someone's body."

She stood her ground, looking up at him defiantly. "I don't know what you're talking about."

☆

"Here's what's going to happen," Bailey said sternly. "While we're waiting for Meredith's temperature to rise, Burke is going to operate on Cassie's heart."

"She's brain dead," Mark reluctantly reminded her.

"No, she has minimal brain activity," Derek corrected. "There's still a chance."

"Exactly," Bailey nodded. "If her heart is stronger, the blood flow to her brain will improve, which could possibly restore brain function."

"When is he operating?"

"She's being prepped as we speak."

☆

Denny sighed heavily to himself.

Maybe he alone wasn't enough, but Denny knew the person he needed in order to bring Cassie back to reality.

He just hoped they had enough time left.

☆

While Burke was performing Cassie's reconstructive heart surgery and Bailey went to help the Chief, Meredith was finally warm, but still dead.

"How many epi's is that?" Webber asked.

"Six," Bailey answered sadly.

"What's the eternal pacer?"

"It's not catching," she sighed.

"What's the external body temp?"

"Ninety eight."

"So she's warm," Webber said, closing his eyes when his emotions got the best of him.

"Yes."

"And dead."

"V-fib!" Bailey pointed at Meredith's monitor. "That looks like v-fib!"

Webber perked up. "Shock her at 300."

"Clear!"

"You can not give up, you understand me?" Bailey said, leaning into the blonde's ear. "Do you know how much time, and effort, and energy, and resources, and drugs... you cannot give up."

"Turning the pacer up to max."

"If there was any ounce of activity, the pacer would have picked it up," Webber sighed, losing hope.

Bailey shook her head. "She's been on bypass for almost an hour."

They paused when Cristina entered the room, a deadpan expression on her face.

"Try again," she said blankly. They both just stared at her. "TRY AGAIN!"

Bailey sighed. "Okay, one more round of ACLS drugs."

"One more," Webber nodded, inserting the drugs into her catheter.

All of a sudden, the machine began to beep.

"Sinus brady!"

"We've got a heartbeat!"

☆

"Bubbles, you can't stay here. You have people who care about you," Denny insisted.

"They'll be fine," she disagreed.

"They need you."

"No, they don't. Derek and Mark have each other. Cristina and Meredith, assuming she lives, have each other. George, Izzie, and Alex have each other. Addison has her friends from New York—"

"But that doesn't mean you're any less important to them," Denny argued.

"Yeah, well, what about me?!" Cassie shouted.

"Cass—"

"I needed YOU! I needed you, and you left me!" she cried, breaking down. "I still need you! God, you want me to be honest? You want me to admit it? Fine! I haven't been eating. I haven't been eating, or sleeping, or living! I can't live without you! I can barely breathe! So choosing to die, rather than fighting every second of every day to stay alive, sounds pretty damn good, if you ask me."

"You're a fighter, munchkin," a soft female voice said from behind her.

Cassie spun around as fast as possible, with her eyes as wide as saucers and tears streaming down her face.

"You can't give up now," the voice continued. "I refuse to believe that I raised a quitter."

Cassie's heart stopped beating.

Literally, and figuratively.

"Mommy?"

☆

"Damn it," Burke swore as the monitors went haywire while Cassie was underneath him on the operating table.

"She's coding."

"Get me the paddles!" he yelled. "Now!"

☆

"Hi, sweetheart."

Bonnie gently brought her daughter into an embrace, something bittersweet to her. She knew it wasn't Cassie's time, but she couldn't help but feel a little selfish and want her to stay.

"Mommy?" Cassie repeated, feeling her broken heart slowly being mended back together.

"I missed you, munchkin," Bonnie smiled tearfully.

Cassie broke down in sobs in her mother's arms. "I love you. I love you so much," she cried.

"I love you more." She reluctantly pulled away, placing her hands on her daughter's shoulders. "And I miss you more than anything."

"I miss you too," Cassie cried. "I miss you every day."

"Listen to me, Cassandra."

"O-Okay."

"You have grown into an extraordinary woman. You're fierce, loyal, kind, intelligent... you're everything I dreamed that you would be," Bonnie smiled. "I couldn't be more proud of who you've become."

Cassie sobbed, holding onto her mother for dear life. "Really?"

"Absolutely. But you need to heal."

"Heal?" Cassie sniffled. "What do you mean?"

Bonnie placed her hand over Cassie's heart, smiling sadly. "You have hate in your heart, munchkin. And it's not doing anybody any good, especially not you."

Freezing in place, she looked over to Denny. "If this is about—"

"Izzie?" Denny raised a brow. "Yeah, it is."

"You can't seriously expect me to forgive her! I mean, she killed—"

"I know," Bonnie whispered. "I know. But you're hurting. I'm not saying you need to forget, I'm saying that you need to work on letting go. It's killing you to hate her, munchkin. It's not worth it."

"I can't—"

Denny cut her off as he placed an arm around Bonnie's shoulders. "Please, bubbles. I'm okay. You can stop trying to seek vengeance, alright? I have my Bonnie, and that's all I need. Just let me go, okay? I need you to let me go."

☆

"Charge to 20!"

"Clear!" Burke brought down the paddles onto Cassie's bare heart for the third time.

"No change."

"Dammit!" he groaned, thinking quickly. "Okay, start a cardiac massage, and charge again."

"Charging."

"Clear!"

☆

"Why can't I stay here with you two?" Cassie sobbed. "You seem so happy, don't you want me to be happy too?"

"We want you to be happy, but we also want you to live," Denny smiled. "You have a second chance, a chance to let go and start fresh. You just need to take it."

"I would love nothing more than for you to stay," Bonnie conceded. "But that would be selfish of me. You deserve to live a long, full life. And you will, because you're going now."

Cassie shook her head adamantly. "I can't leave you. Not again."

"This isn't a goodbye, munchkin," Bonnie shrugged. "It's a see you later."

☆

"Charge to 30!"

"Clear!"

Burke shocked her heart once again, yet it remained still. "Come on, Harper. Come on." Taking a deep breath, he shared a look with Derek, who was sitting anxiously in the gallery, a hand on Mark's knee for comfort. Seeing the tears running down the man's cheeks, he nodded slowly. "Okay. One more time. Charge to 40."

"Clear!"

☆

"I'll see you again?" Cassie asked hopefully. "Do you promise?"

"Yes, dear. I promise."

Cassie turned to face Denny. "You too? Do you promise?"

"Wherever she is," Denny grinned, kissing Bonnie on the forehead. "I'll be."

Cassie looked between them, tackling them in one last embrace as tears cascaded down her cheeks. "I love you so much."

Bonnie and Denny shared a look over her shoulders. "We love you more," they said, removing themselves from her hold and stepping to the side.

Suddenly, there was an open elevator directly in front of her, patiently waiting to be used.

Cassie took a deep breath, and stepped forward. "Goodbye," she whispered.

She took one last look at her family.

The doors closed.

☆

"She's waking up!"

"Shh!"

"Cassie? Can you hear me?"

"Oh god, she's totally gorked."

"Shut up, Alex."

The harsh hospital light flooded Cassie's senses. Squinting, she let out a groan while she rubbed her eyes. Before she could even think, she was startled awake by a loud voice.

"I'm engaged to Burke!" Cristina blurted, causing everyone's excited smiles to falter and look at her in confusion. "Not that that should be anywhere on your list of thoughts right now, but... I'm engaged."

Cassie opened her eyes fully, looking around at the people in her room, all of whom were staring silently back at her in anticipation.

Cristina, Derek, Mark, Addison, George, Alex, Bailey, and even Izzie — much her to displeasure — were all surrounding her hospital bed. She had been out for around twelve hours after her surgery, and everyone had been impatiently waiting for her to wake up. Meredith, now fully conscious, was waiting to be brought in to see her.

"Congratulations," Cassie smiled at her person weakly, making everyone in the room sigh in relief. "But just for the record, when I'm able to stand, I'm going to kick your ass for not telling me sooner."

summary —
okay so cassie went night-night
out in the field, and when they
brought her back they were all
like, yeah she's dead fosho. but
mark was like, not on my watch
mister!!!! and they got her back,
but her brain was totally fucked
up afterwards.

in the mean time, cassie saw
denny in the ~afterlife~ or
whatever, and instead of being
happy to see her, he was all,
hey why are you dead? and she
was all, haha what do you mean
i'm fine!!! and he was all, haha
yeah no you're not.

and then in real life, bailey figured
out that cassie was in early stage
heart failure because of her eating
disorder (which she has btw), which
was weakening her blood vessels
due to lack of nutrition.

basically, burke operated on her
heart to restore blood blow to her
brain, cassie talked to her mom
which was cute but like really sad
and sappy, had a breakdown,
said goodbye to denny and her
mom, and then chose to live rather
than die. happy ending yay!!!
except not for long bc it's grey's
anatomy, but a girl can dream.