Start song: the modern age by the strokes

typos? yes? probably. i'm tired and wanted to feel productive

It's easy to ignore at first purely because he's eager to pretend that nothing weird had happened that night. He's eager to throw away the thought of Josh basically forcing himself to let Tyler give him a blowjob. He couldn't stop thinking about it after it had happened, even though Josh had gotten him off afterwards and assured him that everything was alright. It wasn't as easy as he thought it would be to ignore his own actions. He felt bad about it. He still feels bad about it.

Yet, it's easy to ignore because Josh still smiles at him from across the street when they see eachother the next morning. And it's not forced, the smile reaches his eyes, they crinkle and his smile is so big and happy. It's just, the look he gives him. Tyler's weak. Tyler is so weak.

Tyler recalls the conversation they'd had afterwards over and over his head. "Trust me." Josh had said. Tyler wants to. He still wants to.

So he tries to ignore what happened. It's just too easy to pretend.

He goes to work and ignores it. His boss yells at him, he eats lunch with Brendon and Jenna and when his mind wanders, he pretends that Josh had smiled after he'd orgasmed. He imagines Josh's fingers slipping through his hair, pulling, tugging. He imagines Josh with pink cheeks and soft words and smiles.

He goes to sleep and ignores it, Ashley tucked closely beside him. He goes to sleep only to have dreams about it. Josh repeating the word no over and over again as Tyler sucks him into his mouth.

He wakes up and ignores it. He ignores the dreams and ignores what happened.

He makes breakfast and ignores it.

He ignores Josh, so he can ignore it. Except he can't ignore Josh because Josh isn't the one who's being torn apart, Josh looks happy, Josh is okay and Josh is knocking on his front door the very next day.

Tyler is awake, laying on the couch, a mountain of blankets on top of him when he hears the knock. It's tempting to get up and open the door, Josh is a temptation but Tyler never wants to make someone feel the way Josh did again. So he stays put, heart beating fast, until the knocking stops.

He feels sick, torn. He's being torn apart from the inside. He wants to let him in. He's horny and he knows for a fact that Josh is more than willing to go down on him. But there's this fear that lurks and despite wanting to trust Josh, Tyler'd not sure Josh is even able to say no to sex.

*

Going to work becomes the highlight of his day, no matter how much he hates it. There's always a lot to be done and for once he's fully immersed himself into it. His boss praises him because Tyler is actually bringing him his proper coffee order. plus, the notes he takes in meetings aren't half-assed anymore. He writes down anything important in tiny fluid handwriting.

He's never been particularly motivated at work but Tylers motivated to concentrate on something, anything, other then Josh.

He dreads going home, anxious to see Josh, excited to see Ashley.

Repressing his feelings doesn't work. It's been 2 days and when he goes home he breaks down, slowly.

It's rare that Tyler is the one who curls up into a ball and cries, it's rare that he needs someone to hold him and take care of him. He's always the one taking care of others that when he needs Ashley to take care of him, he doesn't know how to ask or how to act.

He feels dirty, he feels disgusting, he feels sick. Never had he thought a single person could emit so many feelings from him at once but Josh, god, Josh is the one to do it.

Tyler pretends that he doesn't inherently want to go see Josh and lies down in the middle of their living room. He does this when he's high, this is his ritual but today, he isn't high. He's just tired and when Ashley walks in, rant ready on her tongue, she frowns at the sight of him.

Ashley isn't stupid. "What's wrong with you?"

Eyes trained on the ceiling, Tyler huffs. "A lot."

"You're an idiot." She groans and disappears into the kitchen. He knows she won't be gone for long when he hears the fridge door open and close. Within minutes she's back, two glasses of water in hand and a slice of cold pizza which she places on the coffee table along with their drinks.

She sits down beside him, pulling his head into her lap. Tyler lets himself be maneuvered, wiggling around until he's in a comfortable position. Her fingers go to his head, thread through his hair, Tyler sighs. It feels good, and he hates that he wishes Josh were the one doing this to him right now. He hates that even in a moment of intimacy between him and someone else that Josh enters his mind. They've had sex twice, three times. Tyler doesn't know exactly but he can't be attached to him, he won't be. It's unfair to them both and it's not something he knows how to handle.

Ashley brings him back to reality, her voice a whisper against the quiet of their house.

"Alright, start talking. I'm not an idiot and i'm not going to let you treat me like one just because you think i'm too oblivious to notice when something is actually bothering you."

Tyler frowns, tilting his head to look up at her. "I—"

"No, you're going to tell me what's going on and i'm going to help." Tyler doesn't know that she can help.

It's quiet for a few minutes, Tyler tries to form sentences in his head that won't give everything away. He doesn't want to say everything. Ashley is patient and Tyler loves her for it. Considering he can barely think about it without feeling physically sick. Something so small shouldn't make him feel this way.!

"When you sleep with someone," Tyler starts, careful with his words, careful with his thoughts. He shuts his eyes. "You should feel good after right? like, afterwards. that's a normal reaction?"

"Normally yes." Ashley scratches at his scalp, nails blunt. "It can be circumstantial though, not everyone is going to be in a good mood after, everyone's different and depending on the scenario, there could be some bad reactions." She seems to read him like an open book and Tyler loves her and hates her for it. She's impossible to keep secrets from because she sees right through them.

Tyler opens his eyes, Ashley's looking down at him. "I'm talking about Josh."

"I know." Her smile is soft.

"Okay," Tyler takes a deep breath, ready to spill it all. He wants to talk about it but he doesn't think he deserves to, it was his fault. "Tell me about your day?"

"Ty-"

"You're going to eventually tell me what happened."

"Probably," Tyler shuts his eyes again and hides his face against her thigh. "But not today. I can't."

"Fine." Ashley keeps scratching his scalp. "But let me just say one thing okay?" Tyler nods. "Whatever's going on, you need to communicate with him.

Tyler goes to protest, they've talked. He's frowning, Ashley covers his mouth with her hand. "I know you and I know that you think you're good at it but you're not. So talk to him."

"I'll try." He mouths against her hand. His head lolls to the side in exhaustion, his mouth pressed to Ashley's thigh. "I don't know how to be in relationships."

The hand in his hair pauses. "No one does. Everyone is different and it's just-, listen. There's going to be bumps in the road and problems that are difficult to over come but that's what relationships are about."

"Unless it's abuse." Tyler murmurs quietly. It hurts him to say.

"That's the type of road bump you want to swerve as far away from as possible. It's one of those road bumps that's really well hidden you know?"

*

Tyler doesn't talk to Josh.

He makes it a full week before he caves and convinces himself that he's just being silly. Josh isn't bothered, Josh still smiles when he sees him looking at him from his window and goes out on runs in the morning and goes out nearly every night. It reassures Tyler that everything's okay and maybe it isn't, but his desperation for things to go back to normal is all he can think about. So when the opportunity arises after two weeks, he takes it.

It wasn't his fault.

Josh corners him just as he's getting home from work.

Tyler steps out of his car, the sun already set. It's been a long day. He slams the car door, holds his messenger bag in his arms and then it happens fast. Internally, he knows that it's Josh. It's been two weeks and Josh has been trying to get in contact with him via phone calls and home visits. Tyler understands why and in his situation he might follow suit.

A hand grips his shoulder once he's outside, Tyler gasps and his first instinct is to cry and scream and to defend. He has no time to react though because then he's being spun around and pressed against his car, he almost screams but then there's a hand pressed over his mouth and there are hips against his and Tyler can't breathe. Tyler can't breathe. Tyler doesn't know how to.

He screams against the hand and he hears hushing and opening his eyes is the scariest thing he's ever done.

It's Josh and it's no surprise. He's panting, just slightly and he's in his running clothes. A loose tank top, basketball shorts. Sweat drips off of him like he's just come out of the shower.

"What the fuck?" Tyler stares at him for a second, taking in the sights of him before he pushes at his pecs. "Josh," He pushes, gently, softly. He should be angrier. Josh is looking at him, breathing in his face, his knee between his legs. Tyler shouldn't find this arousing and he doesn't—He's terrified.. He pinches his skin. He stares at Josh, his heart racing, his mind reeling. He barely understands what's going on. It's hard to connect the dots.

Josh looks at him and then he pulls away, so fast that Tyler nearly falls to his knees. He wobbles. Josh moves away so fast Tyler almost cries. "Sorry, sorry." Josh rubs a hand across his face. "I'm sorry." He pauses, falters. "I'm sorry. Are you okay? I didn't mean to-"

"I'm okay." Tyler's tense. Not scared, no, never scared. Josh isn't scary and the whole action had been far from agressive in his mind. The hand on his shoulder hadn't been forceful, the body pressing to his hadn't felt forced. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Josh sniffs. "I've been thinking about you."

"Oh." Tyler pauses. Josh frowns. "I-I'm sorry I haven't been around lately. I've been busy, work and stuff."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Tyler readjusts his shirt and then the strap of his bag. "It has nothing to do with you okay?"

Josh just nods his head. "Okay," He breathes out, nice and careful. And then he makes eye contact. "I'm sorry." It's so sincere, Tyler feels himself melting into the ground.

Tyler touches his shoulder. "Me too."

Josh takes a step closer and Tyler feels his heart in his throat, he feels his body telling him to go, go, go. Except he doesn't move, not even an inch. He should move, that much is obvious. Josh isn't perfect and Tyler is well aware that he has a few mental health issues if he's being honest. Josh moves in closer, one step forward for him means one step back for Tyler. It's slow, every movement is calculated and it's intense. Tyler's breathing is shallow and god, he wants him. How couldn't he?

"Josh," Tyler breathes out, curling his fingers into his shoulder.

Josh just shakes his head and then they move again and again and again.

They move until they're back in their original position. Tyler pressed against his car, Josh's body moulded to his. It's everything. It's too much. It shouldn't be happening. He's encased, crowded. Josh's knees keep him in place, his arms wrap around him, own him, need him. Tyler lets it happen, he holds on just as tight and pulls Josh closer, closer, closer until Josh's chin rests on his shoulder and his arms tighten around his waist.

Josh's mouth is against his ear. Josh's breath tickles along his neck and sends shivers down his spine as though spiders are crawling down his back. His whole body is on high alert. He hides his face in the crook of Josh's neck and he tightens his hold when Josh whispers into his ear. "Come over." He says, it's strategic. The words are seductive, they only have one motive and Tyler hates that he can actively feel his body reacting.

"I-" Tyler squeezes his eyes shut, Josh's hands touch his hips, big, warm. They hold him and Tyler feels safe, he feels so safe. He breathes out. "No." He says, a whisper back, a plea. Tyler doesn't know what it means.

He hugs him tighter as he frees one of his legs from the cage Josh had been forcing his legs into. "I can't." The answer feels like a lie, sounds like a lie and Tyler wishes he knew wether or not he was telling the truth. He had no idea what their relationship was or what it meant.

"No?" Josh repeats in his ear, his hands crawling around to grab his ass. They squeeze and Tyler's knees buckle.

"No." Tyler shakes his head, lip tight in between his teeth. Josh wants to kill him, he's sure.

Josh lets go of him, he's slow about it, but he lets go until their embrace becomes more of a hug. Until all Josh is holding are his shoulders. "I'm sorry." Josh says one final time, voice solid and sincere.

Tyler doesn't know what he's apologizing for. He leans over and pecks his cheek. "Goodnight Josh." Tyler needs a shower, and a night with his bedroom door locked.

Josh backs off completely. "Goodnight."

*

He has nightmares, the kind that wake him up at odd hours of the night and make him cry a constant wave of tears.

Josh is in all of them. Tyler has no control.

*

Short chapter a/n

here's a list of excuses for my inactivity
-i got a new job
-studying for my license
-tired
-blocked.

Either way i've been writing and i'm trying to get back into it because it's been awhile and it's always been something that makes me feel good