Started 04-18-16

Wrapping my hands around the wooden pole, they're latched with a delicate silver chain that I have no hope of breaking.

The Alpha delivering justice for my attack of another pack member.

The whole pack has gathered to watch, my mother's eyes weeping tears for me, my father's head hung in shame. I try looking at my mate's eyes, but he just holds my competition in his arms, rubbing her back in comfort. Her face still bruised and swollen from the beating I gave her. She's lucky someone pulled me off or else I think I could have ended her life with my leap into insanity.

The Alpha, my mate's father, is looking around to all the pack members while the whip hangs lightly in his hand as if it doesn't hold a heavy weight. The fabric of my shirt is cut down the back, exposing skin that is about to be scarred with the cruel touch of the lash.

"I called you all here today to witness the punishment of Rya. She has attacked another member of this pack without provocation." He's speaking the truth for the wind to bring to the ears of all those listening. I did attack her, an escalation of words turning into violence between two females wanting the same male.

Except I am his mate, and she is his everything.

I went to him as soon as I shifted, knowing who he was to me. She was there, she has always been there since they could walk. He must have known I was his even before I shifted, yet he continued on with her. I begged him, pleaded with him to just give me a change, making a scene for all to witness. He told me to go, leave. That she might not be his true mate, but she is the one he wants regardless of what the moon thinks.

She stood there, not saying anything, as I made a fool out of myself. Her perfect face staying stoic the entire time as he dealt with me, a crazy she-wolf fighting for what she thought was her's.

In a moment of absolute rage, I took that step into insanity, with the intent to kill her. My wolf wanting to eliminate the competition. And I, I decided to embrace the darkness my nature provided. He stopped me. He protected his chosen female from his mate's wrath.

The first stroke of the whip tasted my back, greedily devouring my pristine flesh. I don't look away from my mate, his hand crushing hers. I notice how white her fingertips look as they are deprived of oxygen. I try to be brave, gritting my jaw against the pain. The next stroke takes me off-guard, crying out in agony. A young juvenile female is no match against the justice the whip provides. Even full grown males beg and plead for mercy given enough hits from the lash.

Embedding its lethal kiss into my skin, I will always wear my shame for others to see. Another sickening crack screams through the air cutting another furrowed groove deep into the skin. Blood splattering on the ground. A carpet of red, I think to myself.

I can no longer keep his eyes; my head bowing, tears tumbling out, falling to the ground, mixing with my blood. It's as if I'm the other jealous female, and she's his true mate. That is what I am being treated like: the psycho crazy female.

Black shoes come into my line of sight. "Rya, you know why I'm doing this?"

Nodding my head, yes, to the Alpha, "I understand." Responding quietly.

"What do you understand Rya?"

I'm crying now with what I have to say. "I tried to kill another pack member."

"That's right, you can't go around trying to kill another female because your mate does not want you." My head hangs even lower, body shaking with its' sobs.

"You have to respect choice, Rya, he doesn't choose you. He chooses her. You need to respect this, and accept this." His voice is very stern, authority ringing out for everyone to hear.

"Do you understand this Rya, that he doesn't want you?"

My shoulders are shaking with the truth I am hearing. "Yes, I understand."

"You're to leave them alone, you cannot speak to them unless spoken to, and you cannot follow him around anymore, no contact. Do you understand?"

"I do."

"You have three more lashes. From now on you are to eat last, you will be at the back of the pack until I tell you otherwise. Do you understand?" He sounds pained to say it, but it is the usual punishment that is doled out for misbehaving she-wolves who can't get over their lovers. Except, usually, these she-wolves are replaced by mates, not mates who are rejected by their own mate.

"I understand." Gripping my hands together, he makes the whip sing through the air, raining down hard and fast, robbing me of breath. The pain is something so great, yet it doesn't compare to the way my heart has just been torn away. The healer is there instantly, taking off the binding on my wrists. Looking up, I see Clayton kissing Kennedy's forehead, turning their backs on me, walking away, hand in hand.

My legs refuse to lift my weight. Instead, I stay kneeling with my shoulder against the blood stained pole for support.

"Let's get you up." The kindness the healer is showing me is more than I deserve.

"Just leave me here." Whispering it out. My mother comes over to me, crying. That also hurts my soul, the shame she has to carry, my family has to carry from my dance of insanity. Just a second without thinking has lead me to this moment. Never again will I not think before I act. A cooling cloth is pressed into my back. Smelling of medicine, it numbs the pain slowly.

"I'm sorry mother." Still, my voice is shaky with the need to cry. My father's back is to me, he leaves without another word.

"Let's get you home." Wrapping an arm around my body, the healer helps me to a standing position. The effort has sweat rolling off my forehead. The healer takes my other side, I'm somewhat dragged, carried to my home. Laying me face down on the bed, the ointment is spread over the ruined flesh, more bandages applied. My mother is given directions from the healer on how to treat me. A cup is pressed against my lips, drinking tart liquid has my nose scrunching up.

"It's so you can sleep." I finish the concoction, before being left alone in my room to think about my actions.

It takes three days to not need help getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. Three more days for me to be able to walk on my own. Another two more days to go back to school.

Walking into the cafeteria, I have to endure the sight of them together. I have two more years left, they graduate in the spring. At least I don't have long till I no longer have to see them every day.

My friends who I thought were my friends have turned their backs on me, pretending I'm not standing there hoping they make room for me to sit with them.

"I'm sorry Rya, but all the spots are taken. No room for you anymore." I don't say anything back, no use. Turning away, I take my lunch outside. Sitting underneath one of the maple trees, the leaves are just starting to uncurl, provides a small amount of shade from the sun. Being alone, shunned now from the group I have grown up with, has me silently eating as tears drip on my sandwich.

I'm picked last for group projects; gym class has me the odd-man-out. The teachers don't say anything, I'm not sure they even notice the shift in status. The humans around us just think I'm fighting with my group of friends.

No one is physically violent with me, they just treat me as if I don't exist. Like I have no feelings. The worst are the pack gatherings, most of the time I just refuse to go, holding up inside my room, a grey cloud following me wherever I am.

I have to watch as he makes a plate for himself and her. Always he's providing her with food for the pack to see. As the last to eat, only the unwanted items are left for me. Usually, I go without. Sitting at the back by myself, unable to even eat with my own family, I'm in my own private purgatory that I endure quietly without complaint. Sometimes, on very rare occasions, I can feel his eyes on me. But, just as fast as I feel them, they leave my body. I try not to look at him anymore, for fear he would be able to feel my gaze as well.

Two years I endure this. It's a lonely, miserable life. It's fully how you grow, mature, the body people see looks healthy and young, except for me it's just a shell covering my emptiness.

I've applied for a transfer out of my pack, the Alpha has granted my wishes, with the understanding that I am to come back when needed. My marks have been above average, I've been accepted to apprentice as a midwife underneath the guidance of a much-esteemed female. The healer helped me with my application, I was interviewed, and grades looked at. Commitment level assessed, they just don't want anyone who will drop their training once they meet their mate. She was made aware of my situation, accepting me instantly. A sad smile tugged at her eyes as she welcomed me into her home with a hug.

For the first time in two years, I have a smile that reaches my eyes with what my future might be.