March 16

As my vacation to feel healthier and gain some prospective on my life and to try to figure out how to be reunited with my family, and what to do next, I love the breeze off the ocean and the taste of fresh fruit and rum. I tap my finger to the beat of the country music filling in until the band gets back from their break.

I'm startled when I feel a touch on the messy bun on top of my head.  I turn to look, and there He is. The retired Olympic swimmer.

"Hi, Sunshine!" He says with a big welcoming smile.

I'm uncomfortable with the strange touch, and it reminds me of how he hit me on the back of my head. But I'm new to the island, so maybe this is just how islanders say hello. The customs are a lot different and warmer than what I am used to in the cold north. 

"It's the shark," I say, making an effort to meet his smile as he sits on the stool next to me. I look over at Sarah for an out, but she is busy doing something behind the bar bouncing to the rhythm to the music playing.

"I'd like to properly introduce myself. I'm Jack." Jack focuses on me.
"Are you enjoying the island?"

"I'm Isa. Very much. It's a nice escape."

"What are you escaping from?" He moves closer to me, and I lean back.

Oh no, the dreaded question I am trying to forget and my smile disappears immediately.

"Maine."

"I figured you are running away from something up there. Maine is a beautiful State.
Nothing to run away from." Did I say I was running away?

"The cold." ...my ex-husband, his family, the reality I can't see my babies.

"When do you head back to the 'cold?'" Jack's smile is blinding. I look around and we are the only two people in the bar. Sarah must be in the stock room getting ready for tonight's crowd. I am alone with Jack.

"I'm not sure? I don't have plans yet."

"Don't you have a job to go back to? Family? Boyfriend?"

"No, I don't." holding back the tears from and rolling down my face.

Thirty seconds passed where neither of us spoke.  My forming tears dried as I began to focus on how awkward it is for Jack to be sitting next to me staring at me. I had to look away.

"I'm going out on the boat in the morning. Gonna do some snorkeling at one of my favorite reefs. Would you like to join me? It will be a lot of fun and you'll see a little more of the island besides this bar." 

"Just you and me?" I can see the headline now: Mainer missing at sea; tan stranger suspected of murder. My stomach churns, and I take a sip of my drink to wet my suddenly dry mouth.

Jack chortles and lays a hand on my arm. "Oh, no. Some of my friends are coming too."

"Well, if other people are there. I've never snorkeled before." I wrap my arms around myself, effectively dislodging Jack's hand. Are all folks on the island this touchy-feely?

"You'd look cute in a mask and snorkel" Jack smiles with bright happy eyes. I allow my face to form into a polite smile. All this attention from a man is unfamiliar. Why me? "So, how is Maine?"

"I just"—breathing deep, I pick up my drink—"would rather not talk about it right now. Can I buy you one of these?"

"Oh, sure. No pressure." He holds his hands up, palms toward me, then swings around so he's facing the bar. "Sarah, I'll have what Isa is having." She quickly makes Jack a fruity rum drink. "Thank you." He raises his plastic cup with an umbrella and lots of orange slices in my direction before downing nearly all of his drink in one swallow.

He appears riveted by a stain on the bar top as from the speakers Old Dominion says to break up with him.

I'm on edge and afraid I've angered Jack by refusing to answer his question. "I noticed today – earlier, when you bumped into me – that you're really tan. Do you spend a lot of time on the island or something?" I ask, then take a sip of my drink.

"I have a place here. I am from East Tennessee and, although It's beautiful in Tennessee, I prefer the Island lifestyle.  Much more laid back and happy and easy.  I've been to Maine several times. I love the small fishing towns.  I love Lobster and Damariscotta oysters."

"Yeah, some of the towns are pretty, and Lobster is good. I've never had the oysters." Lobster is cheap in Maine, but I never learned how to prepare oysters, and they're expensive in restaurants. The one time I ordered them early in our marriage, Ben said we couldn't afford them, making me miss my chance to see what all the fuss is about.

"The water is too cold for me there," I add. And the people aren't very warm either—at least the ones I know.

We talked for hours about our home states, Sarah checking in on us when our drinks got low. I kind of get the impression by Sarah is kinda matchmaking by not interrupting us. What does she know about him? I will have to pin her down.

As Jack picks up the frequency of his flirty questions, I'm answering them.  I'm glad he is leaving out the hard ones.  The questions I want to forget the answers to.  I still don't understand what he is seeing in me. I'm feeling warm and somewhat like a normal happy person, the rum and Jack are helping me forget the pain for the night.

I'm enjoying the music and Jack singing along. He has a nice voice and makes me feel like he is singing the words to me. I like it.

Jack starts singing harmony with Thomas Rhett about sometime in October. When got to the part about guessing the guy guessing the girl's middle name, he stopped singing.

"Mary?" Jack asks me.

"What?"

"Mary? Is Mary your Middle name?"

"No."

"Anne?  Is it Anne? Anne is My Momma's name."

"No." I laugh knowing this could go on all night. One thing my parents left me with that I always wanted to change growing up, but now that they are gone, I will always keep.

"Lynn?" Jack is determined.

"Getting closer."

"Can I have your last name? So I can use it for flow?"

"Flow?"

"Isa Elizabeth? If I had a last name, I could see how your middle name would flow together."

"It's not Isa Elizabeth Cushing." I say Ben's surname as I lose my smile and the good time I seem to be having sitting at a bar on a beautiful beach away from what I'm trying to forget crashes like the waves a few feet away. Jack puts his hands on my bare knees and holds them tight to keep me facing him.

"Did I say something wrong?" Jack seems genuinely concerned, and the last thing I want to do is to start crying. Stay strong, Isa, stay strong.

"No, I think I've had too much to drink."

Jack keeps holding on. "I am not trying to pry or hurt you in any way.  I come here to escape reality too. When I am State side, all people do is try to take from me. It is the nature of the business I'm in, I realize that. But here, I can relax and just enjoy my life." How can I enjoy life when my children, my life was taken from me?

"I'm sorry.  I'm really not used to nice people.  It's been a long time since someone has been nice to me let alone taken the time to want to get to know me. "I'm new at this."

As my voice faded, Jack squeezed my knees and squeezed softly.  "I'm not going anywhere. I want to get to know you and I am not mean to anyone." I look from his hands on my knees to his smiling face and return the smile.

"Thank you. I'm not sure I can be good friend.  I don't have a lot to give."

"I'm not asking for anything and don't underestimate yourself.  You are a very pretty girl; someone I would like to get to know a lot better." He looks very sincere with his bleached-out old t-shirt and swim trunks. "Besides, you need a tour guide.  Did you rent a car to get around the island?"  I shake my head no and after seeing that they drive on the left side of the road down here, It is too dangerous for me to drive. I would have no idea how.

"You want to be my tour guide?" I'm laughing again. "You've already invited me to snorkel with your friends. You're doing a lot already."

"You are a very pretty damsel in distress and you look like you need a friend.  I just so happen to be looking for a friend. So, we are a good fit." Jack still smiles, "And, in case you're wondering, I am not a stalker, serial killer, psychopath or a thief. Ask Sarah."

Sarah heard her name and looked up "Nope, not a psychopath." And she goes back to what she was doing.

"There you have it, Sarah said I'm 'alright.'"

"Jack, listen, you're very nice, but I." I struggle to find the right words. " I have a lot of things to figure out and I don't know where to begin."
The sun starts to sink over the water creating a calming light that really shows off our tans. The warm breeze blowing from the beach is competing with the large wooden ceiling fan from above.  I feel like I am in an alternative universe and the past six months, no, the past five years never happened. It's been a long, bad dream and I'm here to wake up.

"Sure.  You can be my tour guide." Jack's smile grows even bigger when he hears my answer. Both hands squeeze my knees and my hands cover his. "Thank you."

We both laugh and continue our guessing games and drink our rum drinks. It takes me a long time to guess his middle name is Harold.

"It's time to put you to bed. You have a big day tomorrow."

Maybe it's the rum, maybe it's the warm night. I feel renewed and optimistic about the future.  Funny how after one night of talking with someone who isn't trying to cause emotional pain can change and beat you down can help you make it through a rough patch in your life.

Jack stands up and takes my hand. "Let's go" he says and leads me toward the water.  We walk toward my villa, our feet splashing in the warm water as we make it down the beach.  I point out my villa and Jack brings me to my door.

"Thanks for hanging out with me tonight," he chuckles. I just love Maine girls."

"Oh no! I forgot to pay our tab." Worried, I want to run back to pay Sarah.

"It's all set, I have a house tab there. Please let me take care of it. It's the least I can do after scaring you yesterday." We turn so we are facing each other like when I was a teenager on a first date. "You really made my night. I've had more fun tonight talking to you than I've had in a long time."

"Me too." I put my hand on my door to steady myself as I feel dizzy from the warm breeze and the rum.

"I need your number? So, I can let you know when I'm on my way."

I laugh thinking that Jack, being older, should be smoother than that. He pulls out his phone and enters my number into his phone as I recite it to him.

"Get some rest, I have a fun day planned for you tomorrow." Jack leans forward and kisses my cheek. leaving his lips there a little longer than a peck. Long enough to make me blush. "I'll see you in the morning, Isa Jane."

"My laughter bubbles out. "You can try again tomorrow!"

He steps back still looking at me and gives a little wave. "Oh I will!" and turns and walks into the warm darkness.
I'm not sure how this happened but this evening unexpectedly made me feel good.  I went inside my villa, changed into a big t-shirt, brushed my teeth and climbed into bed and turn off the bedside lamp.

I shut my eyes, and my phone buzzes.

The screen light is still on when I pick it up to look at it.

​​​​​Violet?
Jack is determined.
​​​​​Nope J

​​Goodnight Isa Hazel Cushing! Sleep Tight!

​​​Still Nope, Goodnight


I set my phone down on the night stand and think about what a sweet guy he is. He's a lot older than me. I wonder what brought him to the island? Why did he leave Tennessee? I wonder he did before he came here? Was he married? Did he get a divorce? Did he break someone's heart? Or, was his heart broken?

I have so many questions about Jack. I don't know anything about him except that he is a great swimmer, he is really funny and makes me feel good, he has beautiful blue eyes and is extremely hot!

Jack does live a kind of a "beach-bum" life style. He doesn't care too much about his clothes, they are old and worn. He probably rides a bike or something and I bet he lives in a tent. Well, I guess I'll ask him tomorrow morning when we go to breakfast.

My stomach rumbles. I wonder if they stocked the kitchen today with a few snacks like they said? Throwing the sheets off, I turn the light on and swing my legs over on to the floor. "I'm never going to get to sleep tonight."

Making my way over to the kitchenette, I open the cabinet to find a box of crackers and some small bags of different types of chips. "Thank you whoever did this!"

I open the small refrigerator and there are some bottled waters and some sodas. I take a ginger ale and a bag of chips and sit down at the table to eat my snack.

Sitting here by myself  suddenly brings me back to sitting in my old kitchen. I remember how, many nights, I would stay up late to wait for Ben to come home. I would call him, and he would say he was still at work and he would call when he was on his way.

The call would never come.

The following morning, Ben  would call and tell me he "fell asleep in the back room" or "It got too late and I didn't want to wake you." But now I know what he was doing. He would go out on the town after his shift and pick up women while I sat at our kitchen table worrying.

I pull the top of the chip bag apart and pop a few chips in my mouth. "Ben is such an ass."

I read somewhere that one way to move forward after divorce, or any trauma for that matter, is to keep a journal. I used to keep one when I was younger, and happy, before I met Ben.  It seems the more unhappy I became, the less I wanted to journal. I guess if I didn't write about what was happening with my marriage, it was like it never happened. No permanent record it of what happened. I reach up and feel the scar left from the day Ben, Luke and Cole and I went to the beach. I traced the scar along my hairline about five inches. At least no permanent written record anyway.

I search in the drawers of the desk and found a note pad and a pen . At the top of the pad it said " Cinnamon Bay Villas" and held together at the top with glue. 

Sitting down and start to remember, and no matter how painful the memory is, I start writing.

May 31: Not a happy Memorial Day. And not a Happy Birthday to me. I thought turning twenty-five would be a milestone in my life, A day to remember. As it turns out. It was a day I would like to forget.
Everything started out the same as any other holiday weekend. We woke up and had a quick breakfast with no mention of my birthday. We had planned to bring the boys to the public beach. Ben was in a grumpy mood when we started packing the car up. I thought that once we got to the beach, he would enjoy himself. But I was wrong. He used bungee cords to put the boy's wagon on the roof so there would be plenty of room in the cargo area for our cooler, towels, beach toys and the umbrella. I packed lots of water and juice pouches so everyone would stay hydrated.  I buckled the boys in their car seats, and we were all in car with the A/C blowing waiting Ben so we could leave.  
Ben said he had forgot something and ran into the house.  When he came back out, he had a paper bag.  He opened the back and put his paper bag in.  I had no idea what it was. Maybe it was a birthday gift? I smiled and didn't want to ask and spoil a surprise . 
We got to the beach and unloaded everything into the wagon. Ben pulled the wagon, I carried Cole and Luke was able to walk.  We looked like a cute, happy family about to enjoy a day at the beach. We found a nice spot on the sand away from other people who were laying on their towels.  Ben set up the umbrella and I set up the chairs.  I made a little crib with towels in the wagon for Cole and put it in the shade of the umbrella.  Luke and I walked down to the water so I could see how cold it was and Luke could play in the tide pools.
I looked up to where we had set up and saw that Ben was sitting in his chair going through his phone, sipping on a drink he poured into his insulated cup.
At the time I didn't realize that what he poured into the cup was Canadian Whisky from the bag he brought.
Within 10 minutes, Ben was refilling his cup.
A feeling of doom crashed over me knowing what the day was going to turn into, and it wasn't going to be the day I was hoping for.  I fought back tears in my eyes when I looked down at Sweet Luke scooping water in his little bucket. I didn't want Ben to make a scene and then blame me drawing attention to us. I was afraid to go back up to our spot.
He woke Cole up and he started crying.  Luke and I walked back up and I immediately tended to Cole, putting him on my breast. Luke begged Ben to play in the water with him, and reluctantly, he hid his phone away so I wouldn't go through it and he walked down to the water with Luke. I could smell the whisky on him. 
Ben put Luke on his shoulders and waded into the water. Luke was laughing as the waves were hitting Ben and splashing up on Luke.  Ben waded in way too far and then he and Luke were gone. Dragged under.  I stood up and screamed. I put Cole in the wagon and ran down to the water.  People who heard me jumped up and ran down as well.  A lifeguard came running and with his rescue board, swam out to where he thought he had seen them. He found them quickly.  They were ok but shaken up. Luke was coughing.  He had swallowed a lot of water.  The lifeguard swam in with them, Ben and the guard holding on to the board and pushing Luke was riding on top.  This all happened so fast.
Someone called the police, I guess its protocol for when there is a rescue.  A policeman went over to Ben while I was carrying Luke to the umbrella.  I wanted to get Luke wrapped up in a towel and warm him up. And poor little Cole, he had been crying, no, screaming that his lunch was interrupted. 
Ben and the policeman walked up to us. I could see Ben was about to explode, but he refrained because there was an audience. An audience that included a policeman. The policeman introduced himself as Officer Chabot, and he went on to lecture Ben about how lucky he was and that it's very dangerous to be drinking and bring a young child into the water.  He told us this could have turned out a lot differently if he had gotten caught in the undertow.
Officer Chabot looked at me holding Cole and saw my tears.  The lifeguard came up to check on Luke. "Thank you so much for saving my family" I said to him.
"How are you doing, Buddy?" the lifeguard said to Luke and held his fist to fist-bump.  Luke thought that was great and with a huge smile, untangled his arm from his towel and bumped his fist with his.
After they left, I thought it was a good idea to pack up and go home.  I think we had enough excitement for one afternoon., besides, if we stayed, Ben would drink the rest of his bottle.  We repacked everything up and headed back to the car.
I got the boys buckled in and helped put the wagon on top of the car.  Ben and I were tying it down when he let go of the stretched bungee cord I had just fastened and it came flying over the wagon into my face. He just let it go. My reflexes kicked in just in time and I turned my head so the hook end of the bungee hit the side of my face, not my teeth or eyes. When it hit, the skin on my cheek instantly split apart and blood sprayed the side of the car. I caught Ben smirking, as I was in winced pain and dripped with blood.
Officer Chabot was in the parking lot and he came over to help me.  I tried to hold back my sobs, but as Officer Chabot came over, I started crying.  He had grabbed his first aid kit out of his police car and immediately put cloths on to help stop the bleeding.  Ben was there an explained how the bungee slipped out of his hand and flung over and hit me. 
Ben put on a show in front of Officer Chabot and apologized up and down, explaining the accident.  But Ben and I know it was not an accident.  Officer Chabot told me that it looks like I would need some stitches and told Ben to bring me up to the ER in Biddeford to see a doctor.  Ben said he would take me right now, and he did. I guess Officer Chabot thought Ben was sober enough to drive.
Ben brought me to the Emergency entrance at the hospital, and I got out.  He told me to go get it taken care of and to call him when I was ready to get picked up.  He had to get the boys home and changed.  I agreed, the boys did need to get changed and fed.
When the doctor was finished giving me 15 stitches from my cheek across to my scalp, he said I might be in a lot of pain, and he was going to prescribe me something to help with that. When the nurse came in with my discharge papers, she handed me a bottle of some pain pills. I had her call Ben to come pick me up.  She called. Ben didn't answer and she left a message. She had me wait in the waiting room to get picked up when Ben decided to check his messages.
An hour and a half later, Ben walked into the waiting room and told me to hurry, the boys were in the car.  I followed him out to the car.
"Don't you look pretty." Ben laughed at me.  My hair is a mess, my clothes are damp, sandy, and bloody and I have 15 black stitches across my bruised and swollen face. I just looked down and asked him please take me home, that I don't feel good.
But Ben got on the turnpike and headed north to South Portland to go to dinner at his parents. I asked him to please bring me home so I could go to bed. Ben responded "What? You don't like my parents?" That's not it, well maybe it is, but I just wanted to go home and go to bed. So, I was driven up to South Portland, feeling terrible and looking even worse, to have dinner with a bunch of people who really could care less if I was there or not. 
Fixing my hair the best I could and followed Ben into their house.  I carried Cole and Ben carried a sleepy Luke. 
Pat met us at the door and took Cole out of my arms immediately.  Pat looked at me.  "You look terrible, you should really be more careful." I just looked at her and nodded. The local anesthesia is wearing off and I'm too sore to talk. I know she doesn't want to listen to me talk anyway.
I wasn't hungry and don't feel like eating.  Ben said I'm insulting them by not eating the meal they cooked for us, but I don't care.
After everyone had finished eating, I sat in a chair while Cole and Luke played with some old toys.  Pat would always take an old stuffed clown with stains on it and push it in Cole's face to play with. I think it scares him. He doesn't like it and I think it's creepy. I learned to just let Pat do what she wants with her old toys. Cole is old enough to voice his opinion.
I was glad when it came time to go leave.  I just wanted to go to bed. But then, Ben and his dad had some after dinner drinks, too many for Ben to drive home, so I drove. I knew I couln't take any pain pills, so I knew I would be in pain until I would get us home.
Ben always has too many drinks with his father, and I always need to drive.
The only good thing about the night is that Ben fell asleep on the way home and I didn't need to listen to him complain about me. 
We pulled into our driveway. I woke him up to go inside.  I was expecting him to say something mean, but he just got up and went inside to bed.  I unbuckled Cole and Luke and brought them in and tucked them to bed.
Happy Birthday to me.



My head is throbbing, I take some
Tylenol and go to bed and end this day. 


I am amazed how much detail I remember. I guess when your husband forgets your birthday, you remember all the details. The words just flowed as much as my tears. Even though the scar on my head is healed and easily hidden by my hair, I feel wound from my memory was just ripped open and someone rubbed salt in it to make it sting and hurt so I will never forget it. This is a good thing.

Shutting the lights off and climb into bed. Tomorrow I will go into town and get a proper journal.
Making a promise to myself that this year my birthday will be special. I will have cake and I will do what I want to do.

I fall asleep knowing that I won't let anyone hurt me like Ben did again.