CHAPTER 1

October 2004

Pushing a supermarket cart across the parking lot in the rain, without an umbrella, was not a pleasant thing at all. Pushing a supermarket cart full of grocery with a toddler whining, across the parking lot, in the rain without an umbrella, was even worse. Alena was doing this exact same thing now. She was all soaked from head to toe, her 2 and a half year old daughter, Candy, was not very happy being rained on, her cart was full of stuff.

"Sweetie, it's alright. We will get to the car soon. You know, the grass needs water, the flowers need water and that's why God is giving us rain." Alena said patiently to her toddler. Though she sounded patient, she was actually very tired.

"Mama, I don't like wet, too cold," said Candy.

"Ok, let mama give you a big fat hug then". Alena bent forward and snuggled Candy on her chest, while her hands continued to push the cart across the parking lot.

"But I am wet, mama, I want that", Candy pointed her short and chubby finger to a little girl nearby, who had a Cinderella umbrella in one hand, and holding the hand of her mother in another.

"When you grow bigger like that girl, mama will get you one, how's that?" Alena could not imagine what how she could handle it if Candy had an umbrella in her hands now. Candy probably would not be able to hold the umbrella steadily and would have knocked her a few times while she pushed the cart through the rain.

"I want a big one, mama. A very very big one," Candy's eyes were shining, while imagining she was holding a big umbrella in her small hands.

The big smiley eyes of Candy's were what made Alena determined to be a stayed home mom and shelved her career for an indefinite period of time. Giggles liked bells ringing, hugs liked a clingy cub and wet kisses liked what a puppy would give, were the gifts that Alena would get from Candy every day. Alena genuinely enjoyed this part of motherhood. Therefore, no matter how tired Alena was, she would spend every single minute that she could give, to Candy. She would wake as soon as Candy woke at the break of dawn. Prepared her breakfast, sang to her while feeding Candy at the breakfast table, played silly games with her throughout the day. Those were the good moments of motherhood. But what was in Alena's blood could not be changed easily. Alena liked everything in order, every plan worked out. Having been a successful project manager, Alena liked to have things all worked out according to her plans. Subconsciously, Alena was treating Candy like one of those projects she used to manage. All "i"s are dotted and all "t"s are crossed, contingency was planned out. She managed Candy's daily routine like a project plan. Activities were properly scheduled, the diaper changing schedule, the feeding schedule, the napping schedule and the playtime schedule. The difference between Candy and the other projects was that Candy was a toddler, while the projects involved teams of adults whose pay cheques were dependent on the success of the projects.

Alena held the door open with her shoulder, while holding Candy in her arms. The home alarm was shrieking and Alena quickly punched in the alarm code. She quickly put Candy in the play room while she ran to the garage and un-load the grocery from the car trunk. Alena was dashing back and forth between the garage and the kitchen, putting away the grocery as quickly as humanly possible. She did not like to leave Candy alone in the playroom. She felt as if she was a bad mother, neglecting her precious child.

"Mama, look, bibi is having tea with cici", Candy was happily playing by herself with her tea set and dolls.

"Great, Candy, you want to have didi join the party too? She is just in the toy chest honey." Alena was trying very hard to get everything in order while keeping Candy entertained. She desperately wanted to jump in a hot shower and changed into a fresh set of clothes. She wanted to give Candy a bath and had her changed too. But she also needed to quickly put all the diary products in the fridge as well. She gave the clock a quick glance and it said 5 o'clock.  

"Crap, behind schedule again." Alena quickly put away the beef stew chunks she was planning to simmer for dinner and quickly grabbed the quick fry beef from the grocery bag. Alena's contingency plan kicked in.

"Candy, come here sweetheart, it's time to have your afternoon milk. Do you want chocolate flavoured or strawberry flavoured?"

"Chocolate!" Candy replied with a big grin. "Sisi wants chocolate milk too!"

"Alright, you will feed Sisi just like a mama, huh?" Alena returned a grin while washing her hands, just to be sure the raw meat she touched would not contaminate her baby's milk.

RING RING, RING RING. The phone rang and Alena quickly picked it up. Her impatience began to show. Juggling between tasks was her talent, but not when she felt she could not give Candy one hundred percent of her attention.

"Alena, I will be back a bit late tonight,"

Alena's impatience began to surge as she heard Emile's voice on the phone.

"We need to wrap up a software build to Sony tonight. They have a movie coming out soon and we just cannot miss this deadline. I will be back by about 8 o'clock, hopefully. No need to save me dinner. We'll have pizza here in the office tonight"

"But it's your guys who are coding, you don't need to be there. You are the CTO for Heaven's sake. Your project managers should see through that, not you." Knowing too well how those hi-tech companies works, Alena quickly snapped at Emile.

"But the team needs to see me there, to show my support. They have put in a lot of effort for this project and walked the extra mile. Alena, I won't be long." Emile sighed, "I love you dear. I will come back as quickly as I can. You put Candy to bed first. No need to load the dishes in the dishwasher. Leave them in the sink and I will clean those up when I get back."

"But you will miss the bedtime routine with Candy!" Alena sounded so defeated. She knew Emile very well that he would give her the extra pampering and help tonight, just to make up to her.

"Give her an extra kiss and hug for me. Tell her daddy loves her. I got to go. Love you."

"Love you too". Alena hung up the phone. Looked at the quick fry beef sitting on the counter, Alena sighed and put it back to the fridge. "I guess I will just share the baby's food tonight then. Ah, no need to make dinner, schedule back on track."

Alena shook her head with a sigh, not sure if she liked the schedule to be on track again this time. She opened the pantry and reached to the chocolate jar. She needed the chocolate fix to get her going. She grabbed a handful of Smarties and popped them into the mouth.

"Taste like candies, not real chocolate. Need to get something else next time", thought Alena. Though each piece of Smarties was of different color, they did taste the same.

"Honey, are you done with your milk? We need to have a bath before dinner." Alena moved from the kitchen phone towards Candy in the playroom.

She caught her reflection on the windows. "What a mess!" Her hair was half dampen, showing no lustre at all. Her face pale, lips slightly curved downwards. Her eyes showed only fatigue. She could not remember when the last time she had a good sleep was. She ran her fingers through her dampen hair, trying to unknot it at the same time. She never imagined motherhood can be this demanding. She saw her mom did it, watched it on TV, how could it be so difficult when it was her turn. She could not remember other than the wedding she went to a month ago, when was the last time she actually put on full make up, had a proper hairdo and looked decent? She avoided the word, "stunning" because that would be too conceited. She smiled briefly, not the happy kind of smile, yes, she used to get that compliment frequently from Emile. She stared at herself in the reflection, while Candy half ran up to her.

"Mama, done!" Candy held up her emptied cup with a proud smile.

"Good girl. Let's have an Ariel swim in the tub, how's that sound?"

"Yeah, Candy is Ariel!"

At 7:36pm, Alena gave Candy a good night kiss on her forehead and gently closed the bedroom door behind her. Finally, it was Candy's bedtime, it became Alena's personal time as well. By now, Alena's clothes were all dried with no trace of rain, except for the wet smell. She could not wait any longer. She just wanted to have a hot shower and changed into a new set of clothes, which should have been done a couple of hours ago. She stripped off her clothes and walked into the shower. Hot steam made the shower stall foggy. She needed this moment of being alone, this moment of quietness with only the sound of the shower spray. She lathered up her hair with her favourite shampoo. She smiled and knew this specially formulated shampoo would bring out the lustre in her hair. She lifted her face towards the shower spray, enjoying how the water pricked on her face. She gently applied a layer of exfoliator on her face and began gently massaging it. This would give her the radiant look she once had. She smiled again.

"When this shower is over, I should look good again, if not stunning." Alena quietly thought. She turned off the shower and wrapped herself in the bathrobe. She looked at the mirror while drying her hair with another towel. She smelled fresh like soap. Her hair was cleaned and shiny. Her face was flushed pinked from the hot shower. But her eyes betrayed her fatigue.

"God, I really hope that Candy won't stir tonight. I need an 8-hour sleep tonight. I am really tired. Help me, Lord!" Alena silently prayed. She knew it would be tough to get an 8-hour sleep tonight. She actually had an assignment due in a few days, from the post graduate school she was attending. Though she was committed to be a stayed home mom, but she did not want to be a housewife forever. She wanted to continue to brush up her knowledge. Who knew, maybe she would restart her career when Candy became 18! She better worked on the assignment tonight. Not all evenings could be on schedule. It would only be wise for her to make use of those nights when she got them.

She quietly walked to the kitchen, hoping to fix herself something cool to drink before getting started on her school works, her evening shifts as she put it. She reached to the fridge for the sparking juice and grabbed a small pack of Smarties, her chocolate fix, when she heard the sound of the garage being opened.

She looked out from the kitchen, "Emile, is that you?"

"Who else can it be, honey, are you expecting someone?" Emile smiled and replied.

"Yeah, I am expecting you. You had pizza? I did not make dinner anyway, but you can have some of Candy's sandwiches if you'd like." Alena leaned on the kitchen door frame and sipped her sparkling juice.

"It's alright, I am not hungry. Let me put down my notebook first." Emile walked briskly to the study and expertly set up his notebook, as if he was ready to work again.

"How's Candy today? Has she been good to you? What time did she sleep tonight?"

"7:36". Alena answered.

"Oh, 6 minutes behind schedule, I hope you did not throw a fit tonight?" Emile teased and Alena frowned.

Emile knew how obsessed Alena was with schedules. Whenever it was Emile's turn to put Candy to bed, the first question she would ask was what time did Candy go to bed. If it deviated from 7:30pm for more than 5 minutes, Alena would react irrationally, as if the whole schedule was in jeopardy. Why that was so important always baffled Emile.

"No worries, no one got killed tonight. As a matter of fact, I enjoyed a hot shower and pampered myself with a facial."

"You did not kicked hard on yourself tonight, but instead, pampered yourself? What's the occasion?" Emile continued to teased.

"Just try to get onto my school works and relax," Alena's eyes narrowed and felt offended, "have I really became that unreasonable these days?"

Emile could hear the change in her tone. He sighed. "I am just teasing you. No harm done, honey. Let me help you with the dishes." As soon as he finished setting up his notebook, he walked to the kitchen and started loading the dishes into the dish washer.

"So when's your assignment due? Is it a group project, or an individual one?" Knowing that Emile is trying to switch topic, Alena took a deep breath to calm herself.

"It's an individual assignment. I have to do a case study on Venture Capital investment. But I have a group project this Saturday on Strategic Marketing. I need to be on campus at 10 in the morning. Can you take care of Candy this Saturday? Or do you need your parents to come help? I mean, if you need to work this Saturday, for your clients?"

"It's alright. The Sony project is completed tonight. I gave the team some slack this weekend. I will take care of Candy, as long as you give me a rundown of the daily schedule before you go." Emile absently reached for the sparkling juice in the fridge.

Alena's ignored the fact that Emile was trying to help. The conversation was going back on the topic of schedule. She felt that Emile was mocking her.

"Can you just cut it out? Why do you keep splashing the schedule on my face? Do you honestly think that I am clinically obsessed with schedules? You walk into the house, no "how was your day honey", no "I miss you, sweetheart". But just keep pounding on me about my schedules! I did not say a word about how you put work above us, so why keep criticizing my way of running the house?"

Emile took a deep breath and looked at Alena tenderly in her eyes, "Look, my love, I think you need help. What kind of help, I am not sure. But you have not been much of yourself lately. Perhaps you should just take things easy. Get my parents to help you with Candy during the day if you need a few hours on your assignments. You can then go to bed early. Are you feeling depressed again? Do you need to see Dianne again? Do you need to get a prescription for anti-depressant?"

Alena knew what Emile was talking about. Alena had a history of depression. Whether it was heredity or her incapability to handle stress, she did not know. But she also recognized her symptoms. Fatigue, stressed out, sometimes a bit depressed.

"I am fine. I have been through that. I know I am sitting on the edge of the knife. I promise you I will watch out for myself. I will try hard not to slip this time."

Emile pulled her to his chest, gently stroked her hair. "You smelled like soap. Why do you always have to take things so seriously? Enjoy all we have now, sweetie. Don't stress yourself out, you know. You need a hand with your assignment tonight?"

Alena closed her eyes, enjoying this very first hug from Emile that night. He would never know how much she craved for his touch since he walked into the house. He was the one she could lean on and count on whenever she collapsed. "I guess I don't want to work on the assignment now", Alena's lips curved up a tiny bit.

"Should we watch a movie instead?" Emile suggested.

"That will make my eyes ache. Could we just cuddle up and enjoy our sparkling juice in the couch? I am exhausted". Alena sighed. It was relaxed sigh. She really needed to lean on him for the support he could always give.