[Note] Thank you Air Cee for your super excited comments. :)

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPT

Five Sparrows

"The happiest people are sometimes the saddest. They hide their hurt so others won't suffer the way they do,"  

One Month Later

Sometimes it feels like you're standing on the edge of a cliff.  Every small action pushing you closer and closer to the edge, the tiniest of winds feeling like gigantic storms. One wrong move, one wrong word and you are sent tumbling down the cliff into an ocean made of tears. This is when you've reached your breaking point.

It is the time when vulnerability is at its peak. You're heart is naked, unarmed. You're walls are down and someone might just sneak past them, right into your heart. 

It felt no different today, seeing that it was my eighteen birthday.  A lazy Sunday sun greeted me, its light filtering through the blinds. I jumped out of my bed, pulling the blinds upwards. 

"Good morning world," I spoke to no-one in particular. In response the sun, shone brighter, its warm rays muzzling across our cozy neighbored. The roads were empty; cars were parked by the front while people slept soundly in their beds dreaming about better futures, shiny cars, lustrous money, and some –maybe- dreamt about hopeful loves.

I, on the other hand, didn't dream of anything. Dreams abandoned me a long time ago, the more I try to grasp for one, the faster they slip away, blurring my thoughts.

Make a wish they would say when I blow the candles on the cake.

But what should I wish for?  I would ask.

Whatever your heart desires they would reply.

I would end up with a muddle of thoughts. What should I wish for? Should I wish to be better at painting? Or studies? Should I wish to be a interior designer? Or how about to become a famous painter?

But my heart didn't desire any of that.

The only thing it wanted was happiness and its happiness lay in one certain person. It longed to bring that person from the gates of death. It longed for mom.

~*~*~

Silently, I approached the breakfast table, dad sat in the furthest corner his head buried into the newspaper. Liza ate her favorite strawberry cereal, grimly, the shape of mouth turned downwards as she stared intently at the framed picture of our family hanging from the wall opposite the table.

My stomach grumbled, I placed a hand on it-in the hope of hushing it. Just few more minutes before I shut your mouth, stomach pal, keep quite till then.

"Err...good morning?"  I greeted, standing at the head of the table, my hands resting on the chairs edge.

"Morning sis," Liza smiled that forced smile which would even make Barbie cringe.  "I made some pancakes for yo-"

She was cut-off by an icy, cold voice. "So you finally decide to grace us with your presence," Dad gave me a bitter look, his face was burning with a harsh red color.  I could literally feel my heart jump out of my mouth.

He tossed the newspaper on the floor, his hand finding a yellow envelope and throwing it towards my face.  I caught the envelope in time before it could poke me in the eye.

My hands trembled slightly as I lifted the flap; a crisp, white sheet came into my view. It had my high school's watermark.

To the parent/guardian of Alice Brown,

Subject: Final Exam result

            This is the principal, Mark Smith, informing you that Alice Brown has not cleared her final exam in the following subjects:

1.    Human Health Science [Compulsory course for all students]

2.    Communication Application [optional subject]

3.    Botany [compulsory subject]

We are sorry to inform that Alice will not be promoted hence her gradation certificate has been withheld until and unless she is able to clear the retest for the following subjects.  

Mark Smith

The Principal

Winterville High school

The piece of paper fell out of my hands, landing on the table. I couldn't meet his eyes. I tried. I really had tried to clear my exams for his sake.

All of the sudden, I felt so helpless and so vulnerable.  Everything was crumbling, beginning to fall apart, I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream so badly.

It did matter now that I failed. Gradation did matter now that it was almost unattainable. Funny, isn't it? How you realize the importance of something once you trash it.

 "You failed," He spoke through gritted teeth, his hands slamming on the table as he got up from his chair. I had failed, not just these exams but in almost every aspect in my life, this just added on to the ever so long list.

"Thanks for stating the obvious," I muttered under my breath.

Liza dreadfully stared in between us.  I hated for her to witness this. If I had just tried harder then maybe this wouldn't have happened. She didn't deserve this. She wasn't supposed to pay for the mistakes I made. Why is life so unfair? I'm supposed to shield her from this hurt but here I am bringing the pain.

"You were supposed to clear these God damn!" His fingers ran agitatedly through his hair.  "What am I supposed to do with you?"

I didn't say anything.

 He advanced towards me; I held my spot, not afraid of my impending doom.

"This is not you, Alice," He breathed out; his hands coiled in a fist, resting to the sides of his thighs, veins protruding out his arms. The hurt, the anger, the disappointment was tangible. It was choking me as its chains wound around my neck.  

"Where is my brilliant daughter? What have you done to her?"  

"She died," I heard my mouth say. "A long time ago,"

I wasn't here, my mind was far away, lost in distant memories I wished to forget. My mother's laugh echoed through my ears, deafening me.

"The past is past. Just get over it," Liza spoke this time. "We all have," She was trending a dangerous territory by bringing up the past.

"I'm trying-"I began.

"You're not," Dad was fast to cut me off. "You have a whole life ahead of you. If you don't work hard now, then when will you? How will you survive in this world?  I can't feed you for the rest your life, "

"Then don't," I laughed. A hollow realization settled itself in the nest of my chest. He considered me to be a burden, a heavy boulder on his shoulders that he had to pull, unwilling. "I'm leaving and I'm never coming back. Good for you! This burden is leaving you," I rushed towards my room.

"Wait!" Liza screamed her face void of color. "Dad didn't mean that-"

"No," He placed a hand on her shoulder, his ancient eyes looking dolefully at me. He looked so old, the wrinkle on the side of his eyes deepened, it seemed like he hadn't slept for years. All of the sudden, my bitterness towards him fazed, he didn't deserve a daughter like me. "Maybe this is what she needs so she can finally realize her mistake,"

Words didn't find when I needed them the most. I wish there was a way I could tell him how sorry I was for everything, how dearly I loved him, and how I still considered him the world's best father.

I think it's best if I leave and take this heart-ache with me. Liza and Dad deserved to be happy; they didn't deserve someone like me. Maybe if I left, happiness would return to this house. Maybe finally, they could sleep in peace without having to worry about me.

"We'll be here for Alice, if you ever wish to return," Dad finally spoke when I didn't say anything.  "We'll welcome you with open arms,"

I couldn't reply. I couldn't even turn to look back. I feared to see tears in the eyes of my father and sister.

~*~*~

The river rushed past the jaggedly cut rocks, flowing towards the edge of the cliff. The freezing late summer air bit my bare arms, the slight breeze picking up strands of my brown hair and tossing them off my shoulders. My bags lay few feet away from me while I sat here by the bank of river, contemplating on where I should go.

The moss of grass felt nice under me, I leaned back and lied down on its maze, my eyes finding a way to the sky. Five sparrows soared through the sky, free and unafraid. They flapped their wing finding a way back home.

Where should I go?  I asked the dark, blue horizon.

There is no place I could go. I truly felt alone today.

~*~*~

There was no-one here, this early-no-one bothers to visit the Creek valley cliff. A perfect hour to be here. I was standing at the edge of the cliff, an empty stomach and chaotic thoughts raging through my head.

Below the steep cliff, the river gushed by, filling the air with a swoosh sound.

Left foot past right foot, the gravel crumbled beneath me, falling into the river.

I was tired of living. I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't need to. What should I live for?

Just one more step, everything will over. No more pain, no more tears, just peace an everlasting amount of peace. The curtains of life were slowly falling; I wanted nothing more than to sleep forever.

I closed my eyes and jumped. The wind rushed by me. It was one those moments where everything happens in slow motion. The river was getting closer, cliff was going farther. My life was slipping out of my fingertips.  Everything was fading into blackness.

My body hit the water, that one impact was enough to dwindle away all consciousness.

~*~*~

I wasn't the only one who fell that day. Little did I know someone else had jumped off that cliff for my sake.

~*~*~