I could remember the first time I thought I hated my dad.

                I was a child, still a fresh elementary school kid. The class was taking a field trip to the zoo and everyone was excited. I brought the permission slip home to my dad, grinning from ear to ear as I waited for him to put his signature on it and seal the deal.

                But he'd torn the paper in half and told me I wasn't allowed to go. He didn't trust the school to keep an eye on me. What would he do if I got hurt or lost or kidnapped? The answer was no, absolutely not. He wasn't going to risk it.

                I'd sat in my seat the next day, desperately fighting off tears as the other kids turned in their permission slips and began to talk about how fun it was going to be. None of them even noticed how upset I was.

                Then my teacher had come over and knelt next to me, asking me what was wrong. I told her what my dad said and she just smiled and said she'd talk to him when he came to pick me up.

                It had perked my mood right up. I was so excited. Surely my teacher could make my father understand that I'd be safe.

                So when he came to pick me up, she asked to talk to him. He sent me out of the room, sternly telling me to sit outside the classroom and not wander off. I obeyed him, eager to show him that I could follow orders and I'd be fine with my class.

                My smile had been uncontainable when the classroom door opened a few minutes later. He'd surely said yes and I was going to get to go.

                And yet, my teacher met my eyes and shook her head sadly. My heart had seemed to drop down into the pit of my stomach as my dad took my hand in his and urged me out of the school.

                I hated him. I hated him as he dropped me off at school to be shipped off with a class that wasn't on the field trip for the day. I hated him as I studied with a class that wasn't mine while the other students got to go off and have a fun day at the zoo.

                He was so mean. Why? Why wouldn't he let me go off on my own? Why didn't he trust me?

                Then he'd made it up to me by taking me to the zoo over the weekend, telling me that it was better because I got to stay the whole day and didn't have to follow a schedule. He let me take pictures and bought me lunch. He let me get a few things from the gift shop. He made sure to hold my hand any time we walked through a big crowd.

                "I'm not going to lose my boy," he'd told me, patting my head. "You tend to wander off. You'll get lost if you're by yourself, Ace."

                And then I'd loved him again. Because he was my dad and he was just trying to keep me safe. I was the problem. I was always the problem. If I didn't wander off, he wouldn't have to worry so much. It was my fault.

                Here I sat now, 21 years old. And I was not the damn problem anymore.

                I raked my hands through my hair, curling my fingers and tugging on my hair until it started to hurt. I grit my teeth, curled into the corner of my room.

                "I am not the problem anymore," I snarled.

                This wasn't my fault. None of this was my fault. It wasn't my fault Alexis abandoned us. It wasn't my fault the home we'd built for ourselves was crashing down around us. It wasn't my fault Jack and I were getting too close. None of it was my fault.

                I didn't love anyone. Not my family, not the assholes I lived with, and certainly not Jack. Love was just something people could use to manipulate you and I would not let myself fall for that again.

                I looked over, seeing my reflection in my mirror. My eyes widened a little at how much I looked like a goddamned trapped animal.

                I flung myself at the mirror, smacking it so it hit the ground face-down. I stood up and grabbed the picture off my dresser, staring at it, hating it.

                There were me and my parents when I was a kid. Dad always hated the picture because of his expression in it, so he hid it away. Now it was mine, stolen the night I ran away. To remind myself of what he was. He wasn't some loving father. He was a ruthless dictator with a charming smile.

                My bedroom door opened and I spun around, picture still in hand. Jack leaned in my doorway.

                "Hey," he said.

                "Why are you here?" I demanded.

                He nodded at the picture in my hand. "Family picture?"

                I tossed it to him and he caught it. He looked it over, eyes lingering on each person in it.

                "How old were you?" he asked.

                "About four or five. I don't remember," I said.

                "Mom was still around, huh?" he said. "Your dad ever remarry?"

                "Nah. He was hung up over the bitch," I said, shrugging. "She ditched when I was little and he never got over it. His problem, not mine."

                "He seems a little emotionless in this picture," he said.

                "Yea, well, he was a bit of a prick," I said.

                Jack held the picture closer to his face, eyes carefully lingering on the image of my father. He flicked his gaze up to me.

                "You look a lot like him," he said. "It's almost a little scary."

                "Well, that happens when a man has a child. There's a possibility of the kid looking like him," I said. "I'm sure you exactly like the horse that fucked your mom."

                Jack pulled his hat off and ran his hand through his hair. "You're hilarious." He looked back down at the picture after putting his hat back on. "I don't just mean looks. You guys have the same expression in your eyes. Like you rule the whole world. Smug."

                I snatched the frame from him and slammed it down on my dresser, making sure it was facing down. "I am nothing like my fucking father."

                "I take it you don't keep in touch with him?" Jack said.

                "No. I don't keep in my touch with any of my family," I said, glaring at him.

                Jack nodded at the door. "Let's go."

                I followed him and we went downstairs. I could hear Ike and Christian talking about the weather in the living room. They must have let Jack in the house. Bastards.

                Jack and I left the house and got in his car. Jer wasn't sitting out on the porch, which was good. I was in the mood for a fight and Jer had a short temper. It wouldn't end well if we saw each other right now.

                Jack drove to the usual plaza and we got out together. But instead of walking to the store with the CDs, Jack led me to a little food place.

                "I want a frozen hot chocolate," he explained as we stepped inside.

                "Is that just some fancy rich bitch term for milkshake?" I said.

                "It makes me feel like it's not as fat. Plus it has different flavoring than a regular milkshake," he said, stepping up to the counter. "Two frozen hot chocolates."

                "You're always buying me a drink," I said.

                "Yea, well, this time I'm hoping you won't fuck my best friend for more," he said, pulling out his wallet.

                I thought of Delaney, of the way I felt nothing when I kissed him. Just another empty kiss, just more meaningless sex. What did any of it matter?

                Jack handed me my drink once they were ready, paying for us and leading me to the usual store. He gestured at the CDs and waited as I closed my eyes and picked one.

                I handed the CD to Jack and he bought it, taking me back to his car. He drove down to our usual spot, turning the car off as the CD ran through its songs.

                "What are you in college for?" I asked.

                "I study mass comm," Jack said, sipping on his drink. "I like working with multi-cam stuff. You know, live shows. I've worked all sorts of positions but my favorites are technical director and audio."

                "Sounds complicated," I said, raising an eyebrow.

                "Nah, once you practice, it's pretty easy. Shows take a lot of time though. Two of the guys on my TV crew are also in our school's film club and I don't know how they do it. They drag me along sometimes but, shit, I thought one was totally failing out of school this year. Managed his grades back up and somehow managed to keep up with our show and the film club. I couldn't do that. I have a hard enough time juggling school work with just the TV show."

                "So what do you actually do?" I asked.

                "Hook talent up with mics and manage the audio levels. I make sure mics are on and off at the right point, I make sure the audio levels don't peak too high or dip too low. If I'm technical director, I make sure the right image is on the screen at the right time, along with the right graphics." Jack blew out a breath. "Man, it's a pain in the ass. Always getting yelled at by this moody ass friend of mine who directs the show. But for some reason, I love it. It's what I want to do with my life."

                I could almost picture Jack in that kind of situation, staying calm as someone yelled commands at him. He definitely had the cool-headed personality you needed to work in that kind of business.

                "What about you?" he said.

                "Huh?" I stared at him in confusion.

                "What do you want to do with your life?" he said.

                "I-" I stopped, staring down at my drink. No one had ever asked me that before. What did I want to do with my life?

                My grip on the drink tightened. Was I going to be stuck working as a waiter for the rest of my life? I didn't exactly have an outstanding education backing me up. I never thought about the future that much. I had no plans, no goals, no dreams.

                "What I want to do doesn't matter." I forced a grin. "I'm just coasting along at my job until something better pops up. Or until I get bored enough to leave."

                "It's got to be rough," Jack said. "You guys in that house, you don't have it easy."

                "We get by," I said.

                "You know Ace, I was thinking. I think I get why you're so fucked up." He smiled a little at my glare. "What? I'm not going to sugarcoat it. You've got issues, man." The smile slowly left his face. "It's got to be hard to face your demons if you don't even know what they are."

                "What are you talking about?" I said, glaring harder.

                "You don't understand emotions, and yet emotions are what are fucking you up inside," he said, looking at me.

                "I am not fucked up," I said angrily.

                "When I was a kid, my mom and I would make breakfast together every Saturday in our pajamas. My dad and I would watch a movie together at least once a week," he said. "What about you and your parents?"

                I eyed him suspiciously. "When I was a kid, my mom and I would clean the house together every Sunday. My dad and I used to play cards together most nights. So what?"

                "You have memories with your parents. Your mom leaving, that had to hurt. I can't even imagine. I don't want to imagine. But you repressed those feelings all these years. Now you say you don't talk to your dad anymore, either. Bet you miss him, even a little," Jack said.

                A sharp pain shot through my head and I gripped it, nearly dropping my drink. He was wrong. I didn't miss my parents. Neither of them.

                Mom, if I was your boy, why did you leave me? Why?

                Dad, why did you always manipulate me? If you loved me, wouldn't you care too much to play with my emotions the way you did?

                "No!" I said angrily. "No, you're wrong!"

                "I'm not wrong," Jack said. "You know I'm not wrong, Ace."

                I set my drink in the cup holder and gripped my head, squeezing my eyes shut. No. It wasn't true. He wasn't right. I didn't care. I was stronger than caring about people who didn't care about me. I only cared about myself.

                Did you ever look for me, dad? Did you miss your boy when he was gone? Does mom ever wonder how I am?

                "No," I said, hating how shaky my voice was.

                I felt Jack's hand on my shoulder. I moved to hit it off but stopped myself. I reached up and touched my cheeks, my hand shaking violently as I looked down at it.

                "What?" I whispered.

                "It's called crying. You do it when you get too overwhelmed," Jack said. He grabbed my wrist and moved it so that I was wiping away the rest of my tears. He released my wrist and put my drink back in my hands. "Don't waste that. I bought it for you."

                I stared down at it in disbelief. I didn't cry. I never cried. I hadn't cried in years. So why now?

                Jack pulled out his cell phone, dialing a number and holding it to his ear. It rang a little before someone on the other end picked up.

                "Hi, I'd like to place an order for a large cheese pizza, please," Jack said. "Huh? Yea, delivery." He rattled off his address before hanging up.

                He started the car up and I realized that the CD had started over. We drove in silence back to Jack's apartment, getting out of the car and heading inside.

                "Jack?" It was Nico's voice.

                "Hey Nico," Jack greeted. We entered the kitchen, where Nico was hastily stuffing the rest of a sandwich into his mouth. "Dude, come on, I just ordered pizza. If you get too fat you'll get stuck in the doorway and trap us all in here."

                "I'm going out to dinner with some friends and then spending the night at my girlfriend's," he said, grabbing a bag.

                "How the hell do you not have ten children yet?" Jack said with a sigh.

                "Because I use condoms. Besides, we don't just have sex all the time. Relationships have more to them than that. You'd know if you had one." Nico punched at Jack's shoulder lightly before waving and leaving the apartment.

                "Delaney! Hey, Dex!" Jack called, knocking on Delaney's door. "Damn, he's not here. Must be out at the store."

                "You haven't dated in a while?" I said.

                Jack shook his head. "Nah. Liked a friend, didn't go anywhere, got over it. I haven't had a serious relationship in a long time. I'm cool with it."

                "And Delaney?" I said.

                "We almost slept together a few years back and became best friends. What an endearing story," Jack said. He sat down in a chair at the table. "My dumbass ruined the moment but a bromance bloomed." He propped his arm on the table, resting his cheek against his palm. "What about you and Alexis?"

                I reached up and touched my beanie without even realizing I was doing it. "We met when I was on the streets. He was a beaten down kid. He gave me food. Food is the way to my heart."

                "Better cancel my pizza order," Jack said. "I'd hate for you to get the wrong idea."

                He gestured at the chair across from him and I took it. Jack nodded at my beanie.

                "Alexis gave you that?" he guessed.

                "Yea. It was a cold winter and I didn't have a home," I said.

                "Seems like you two were close. Ever have a crush on him? He was pretty cute," Jack said.

                "No," I said, shaking my head. "I never had a crush on Alexis."

                I stopped and thought. Had I ever had a crush on Alexis?

                No. No, I hadn't. I thought of Alexis like...Like...

                "Dad, I hate when you make me play with Phil! He's mean!" I said, gripping my shorts and trying to choke back tears.

                Dad pat my head. "Ace, he's your little cousin. You two are like brothers. You're supposed to fight with each other, but you also have to think of him as a brother."

                "Alexis was like a brother," I said at last. My cousin Phil had never felt like a brother to me. Just another family member kicking me around like a damn game.

                But not Alexis. Alexis had never done those things to me. He was the only person who ever treated me like he really cared about me.

                Until he abandoned us. He abandoned us. I had to keep remembering that. Had to remember that this was what happened when you cared about someone too much.

                The doorbell rang and Jack got up, disappearing. He came back a minute later and set a pizza box down on the table. He slid each of us a plate and a water bottle before sitting back down.

                The two of us each grabbed a slice and set it on our plates. Jack took his hat off, tossing it onto the counter.

                "Mom was always insistent that I didn't wear a hat while eating," he said.

                "Perks of not having a mom: one less parent to bitch at you," I said, biting into my pizza.

                "That's one way to look at it, I guess," Jack said.

                The door downstairs opened and we listened as someone came up the stairs. Delaney appeared in the doorway and looked at me in confusion.

                "Ace? What are you doing here?" I saw a nervous suspicion rising in his eyes as they shot to Jack.

                "He came by looking for you," Jack said. "I ordered pizza a little while ago because I figured you and Nico were home. But Nico left to get laid and you weren't actually home. Where were you?"

                "Hanging out with some friends, mom," Delaney said, sitting down with us and grabbing a slice of pizza. He took a bite and checked his phone, sighing and standing up. "I have to go put my phone on the charger. Hey, Jack, do you have your allergy medication in your drug drawer? My allergies are killing me today."

                "Yea, it's in the one with the green cap," Jack said.

                "Cool. I'll be right back." Delaney left the kitchen, disappearing to go charge his phone and get medicine.

                Jack waited until he was gone before speaking, keeping his voice low just in case. "He still wants to date you. Don't hurt him."

                "Just remember that the king of hearts is sticking the blade into himself," I said.

                "Try not to twist it," Jack said.

                Delaney came back into the room after a minute, sitting back down and digging into his pizza again. We all fell into comfortable silence as we ate.

                I allowed my thoughts to wander a bit. Why did Jack seem to care about us so much? I could get why he cared about Delaney, but why me?

                When we were done eating, Delaney stood up and motioned at me to copy him. I followed him into his bedroom and he shut the door.

                "You should really text me before you come over," he said. "It's a waste of time to come if I'm not home."

                "I was out for a walk and figured I'd stop by," I said, shrugging.

                Delaney blushed a little, probably thinking I'd come here to see him. I chewed on my bottom lip, suddenly feeling anxious. I wanted to be able to feel. But I never wanted to fall for anyone. Not Jack, not Delaney, not anyone.

                But especially not Jack.

                "Delaney," I said.

                "Hm?" He turned to me and let out a surprised noise against my mouth as I kissed him. He closed his eyes and hooked an arm around my neck, pulling me closer and kissing me back.

                Our lips were moving together in a carefully coordinated way, nothing unusual. I'd kissed plenty of people and it all felt like this. Lips against lips, no spark that you read about in books. Nothing that made my heart quicken. Just a kiss, nothing more and nothing less. Certainly nothing special.

                I pulled away from Delaney slowly, feeling bittersweet. So I didn't have feelings for Delaney. That was the good part of this. I didn't like making connections with people.

                But...

                "Look, I've got to head out," I said. "I just wanted to stop by."

                "Yea, sure, Ace. I'll see you later," Delaney said, trying to be casual despite his pink cheeks.

                I left his room, going into the kitchen and grabbing Jack's arm. I ignored his protests and dragged him outside with me.

                "Buy a guy a drink before you get so touchy with him," Jack said, pushing my hand off of his arm. "What do you want?"

                I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him. Desperation began to seep into my system as my hands shook slightly. Why? Why did kissing him feel different? Why did it feel like I'd found the missing piece of a puzzle?

                I backed away from him, stumbling a little. Jack watched me calmly, blowing out a sigh.

                "What the hell," he mumbled. "It had to be you. It couldn't be some nice guy who helps the elderly and loves puppies. It had to friggin' be you."

                "For the record, I do love puppies."

                "Great, you meet one criteria for my dream man. Unfortunately, 'smug bastard with family issues and an emotional disconnect' is not on that list."

                Jack moved past me and opened his car. He grabbed the CD, scribbling the date on it before tossing it to me.

                "Wait right here," he said before going back into the apartment.

                He reappeared about two minutes later with another CD in his hands. He pushed it into mine.

                "There," he said. "Do me a favor and listen to that whole thing through."

                I looked down at the CD. "Why?"

                "It was my favorite in high school. Just listen to it," he said, shrugging.

                I opened it and, sure enough, Jack had written the date on the back. I closed the case again and looked at Jack, hating that I couldn't disconnect myself from him like I wanted to. I should be good at cutting off ties out of the blue. This is what I did. This is how I kept myself going. Be ready to cut off all ties in a flash.

                "You know, it's okay to have people you don't want to lose," Jack said, as if reading my mind. "That Alexis guy. You clearly didn't want to lose him. But you did, and you can't quite make your connection to him stop, right? You're so easy to read sometimes, Ace." He stepped closer to me. "Romantically, you and I aren't going anywhere. Not as long as Delaney is infatuated with you. But maybe I won't hate you forever. Who knows? Maybe we can spend more than five minutes together without wanting to strangle each other. Step one: try to actually connect with someone and not deny that they mean something to you."

                He glanced at the apartment and sighed before kissing me. It was a quick kiss, one that said maybe there'd be another later.

                Jack backed away and moved towards the apartment. He paused at the door and glanced over his shoulder, nodding towards the CDs in my hands.

                "Listen to it," he said. "I've given you two instructions. Follow them."

                "Whatever you say Jackass," I said.

                He gave a little grin before disappearing inside. I looked down at the CDs before reaching up and lightly touching my lips.

                Listen to the CD. Try to actually connect with someone and not deny that they mean something to you.

                Two instructions he wanted me to follow. The first one I could do. The second one? That was going to be the challenge.