The night air was cool on my skin as I biked home from work. Delaney had been texting me all day. He had tried to convince me to hang out with him after work, but I'd told him that I was busy around the house.

                Now that work was over, I was telling him that I was too tired to hang out. I wished that he would leave me alone, but I wasn't done with him quite yet, so I had to force some sort of patience around him.

                I leaned my bike against the wall of the garage before leaving. I walked up to the front porch, not glancing at Jer as I passed him.

                "Hey, Ace," he said.

                I let out a long sigh. "What?"

                "You were taking too long so we ate without you. Food's in the fridge," he said.

                "How exciting. I hope you didn't make it. I'd rather not puke tonight," I said, going inside before he could throw anything at me.

                I went to the kitchen and grabbed the food out of the fridge, heating it up and sitting down at the table with it. The house was quiet, meaning the others were probably locked away in their bedrooms.

                Once I had eaten, I went upstairs and showered, throwing on clothes and towel drying my hair. I left the house, my cell phone and wallet tucked securely into my pocket.

                "Where are you going?" Jer demanded as I passed by him.

                "I'm going out, mom," I said.

                "Ace you better not-"

                "Spend money, I better not spend any fucking money, I've got it!" I snapped.

                Jer crossed his arms, shaking his head. "You are really coming apart. Should've run away when mommy did."

                I stepped towards him, clenching my fists. Jer tensed up a little, ready for a fight if I swung at him.

                "When we first met you, I knew you'd lose it someday. You were way too playful for someone who had dragged himself from Hell at 16. Now the façade is crumbling and you can't do a damn thing about it." Jer gave me a bitter smile. "Guys like me, we never last long. But guys like you? You have a short fuse, and you're almost burned out, Ace."

                I spun away from him, jumping over the railing of the porch and hitting the grass below. I walked fast, wanting to get the hell away from that house. Jer would probably end up being a worthless druggie like his parents. He had no right to talk to me like that.

                The apartment came into my sight a few minutes later, a familiar view by now. I sat down on the hood of Jack's car and texted him to come outside.

                After a minute, Jack opened the front door. He spotted me and pointed at me lazily.

                "You, off of Helen. Now," he said.

                "Helen?" I said.

                "My car. Her name's Helen," Jack said, holding up the keys. "Now if you want a ride, you have to get off her hood."

                I jumped down and got in the passenger's seat. Jack started driving towards the plaza, some generic pop song playing out of the radio at a low volume.

                I looked out of the window, wondering what the hell I was doing anymore. Why was I back with Jack? Why was Jack with me? How had things gotten so damn tangled?

                Jack parked the car and we went inside together, over to the CDs. Jack nodded at me and I closed my eyes, letting my fingers brush over the CDs before picking one up. Astoria by Marianas Trench.

                Jack took the CD from me, paying for it and leading me out of the store. We got in the car and Jack put the CD in, driving down to our usual spot and turning the car off, leaving the music as the only noise between us.

                "Dex was trying to get ahold of you all day," he said at last. "He was bummed you couldn't hang out. Said you were busy in the day and too tired after work."

                I leaned back in the seat, folding my hands behind my head. "Just didn't feel like it today."

                "I figured." Jack flicked his gaze to me. "What are you and Dex? He's convinced you two are going to date, especially after that whole kissing thing last night. Don't lead him on. Don't you dare play him."

                I felt those emotions clawing at me again and found myself punching the dashboard hard enough to send a jolt of pain from my knuckles up to my elbow. I winced and grit my teeth.

                "I don't know, dammit." I glared at nothing, slowly pulling my fist away from the dashboard.

                "You don't have feelings for him," Jack said.

                "I'd be surprised if I could manage to have feelings for anyone at this point."

                "You could. But knowing you, you just wouldn't understand what it was."

                I stared at Jack for a minute. Had I just shoved my feelings in a dark corner for so long that I couldn't identify what they were anymore?

                Last night came back to me, those feelings as I held the CD Jack gave me. Emotions were a burden. Caring about people just gave you a crutch. But...

                I leaned forward and pressed my lips against Jack's. I hated the way his lips on mine made my hands tremble. I hated the way something inside of me hesitantly peeked out from the dark corner I'd forced it into all these years. I hated the way that I felt alive.

                Jack slowly pulled away from me. He turned, looking out of the front of the car.

                "Dammit," he said softly.

                Relationships weren't for people like me. I wasn't going to get some happy ending. I didn't get to hold someone's hand and walk off into the sunset. That wasn't for me. That wasn't for Alexis. That wasn't for any of us.

                "Don't do that again," Jack said, but his voice wasn't angry. "I'm not going to hurt Delaney like this. He really likes you."

                "I don't like him," I said.

                "You act like I don't know that already." Jack sighed and rubbed at his eyes. "Damn. I can't believe this."

                I'd never had a relationship before. I wasn't allowed to date when I lived with my dad and I'd never had an interest in it once I ran away. I had short nights with people I barely knew. I left before they woke up. I didn't bother committing them to memory. My body was just one more way to keep the boredom away.

                But what the hell was a relationship even supposed to be? Alexis had fallen in love with that stupid bastard Jonas Holden, and now he was gone. They hung out and went on dates and had sex and called each other at night and spent time with each other. Was that what a relationship was? Why would anyone want that? You'd get bored and it would end. What was the point in pouring your heart into something so short lived?

                I jumped as I felt something brush against my hand. I looked down, seeing Jack's fingers. He was still staring out of the front of the car, but he let his hand come to rest on my wrist, his skin cool.

                We didn't speak. We didn't move. We just sat in the car, the music filling the silence, Jack's hand on my wrist.

                When the CD had ended, Jack let it start over, turning the car back on. He slowly pulled his hand away from my wrist as he began to drive towards my house.

                "Delaney can't know," he said.

                "Wasn't planning on telling him," I said.

                "I won't do this to him. I won't." Jack's grip on the steering wheel tightened. "And here I thought you were the piece of shit. I'm a work all my own."

                I thought of my mom. Where was she now? Had she left because of me, or because she had finally seen the side of my dad that had driven me away? Or had it been both of us, her emotionally abusive husband and the boy she just couldn't love anymore?

                I shook those thoughts out of my head. It didn't even matter anymore. I wasn't some little kid crying out for mommy anymore. I was 21 years old now and I depended on no one but myself.

                Jack pulled into my driveway and turned the car off. I looked at him in confusion, but he just ejected the CD, scribbling the date on the back and slipping it into its case.

                He got out of the car and I hurried to copy him. He tossed the CD to me and I caught it before catching up to him, grabbing his arm.

                "What are you doing?" I asked.

                "Going inside. I need to talk to you," he said.

                I released his arm and led him inside. Jer wasn't out on the porch anymore and I just hoped that everyone was still locked up in their rooms.

                But as soon as we stepped inside, I stopped. I could spot that impossibly red hair, so familiar to me.

                Alexis looked up and noticed us in the doorway. "Ace."

                I went down the hallway and into the living room. "Why are you here?"

                The others were lounging in the chairs around the living room. Alexis was on the couch, Ike next to him. Jer and Christian were in the chairs near the couch.

                "Brought a friend home, I see," Ike said.

                "Not a friend," Jack said, stepping up next to me.

                "Why are you here?" I repeated.

                "Because this is his fucking house too," Jer said in annoyance.

                "No it's not. He made that clear when he left," I said.

                Then I noticed the little boy sitting next to Alexis, shyly peeking out. He was five years old, dressed in clothes just a little too big on him. He was a cute kid, but his eyes were full of terror of the world. He clung to Alexis's arm, looking up at me.

                "Hi Ace," he mumbled.

                "Kid," I said, forcing a smirk. "You're back here."

                Micah, the little boy Alexis had found abandoned. Alexis had taken him in, at first temporarily and then permanently. Now the kid lived with Alexis and Jonas.

                "We were just dropping stuff off," Alexis said. "We should get going. It's late and Micah's probably tired."

                "You don't have to leave just because the asshole is home," Jer said.

                "I am getting really fucking sick of you," I snapped at him. "Shut your mouth before I do."

                Micah's eyes widened as he looked at me. I'd always been the one to babysit him while Alexis worked, so I was the only other person here who he was fully comfortable with. I could only remember a few times I'd lost my temper around him.

                "Ace." Alexis stood up and put a hand on my shoulder, trying to meet my eyes. "Calm down."

                I smacked his hand off. "Don't tell me to calm down. Don't tell me what to do."

                Alexis reached back out and flicked me, the way he always had to calm me down. "Calm. Down."

                But instead of calming me down or making me laugh, it made me angry. I smacked his hand away again and let my fist fly, hitting him in the chest.

                Micah whimpered, shrinking back against the couch. Alexis reached up and rubbed his chest, surprise flashing through his eyes. But then it was gone and he was as closed off as ever.

                "Ace, you need to get a grip," he said, meeting my eyes again. "I don't know what's going on with you lately, but you're coming undone."

                I pulled my fist back to hit him again, desperate and furious and confused. I wasn't coming undone. I wouldn't.

                Jack lightly closed his fingers around my fist. "Stop."

                I turned to hit Jack but, just like last time, my fist trembled and dropped before I could strike him. He looked so calm, so unafraid of me. Why wasn't he afraid of me?

                It took me a moment to realize that I was breathing heavily. I looked down at my fist, shaking my head slowly. Why? Why couldn't I control these feelings anymore?

                Swallowing down the words I wanted to scream, I faced Alexis. He watched me, also looking unafraid.

                "Did something happen?" Alexis asked me.

                "Yea, you pissed me off," I said. I looked down and realized that I had dropped the CD Jack had given me. Alexis noticed as well and moved to pick it up, but I gripped his shirt tightly, yanking him so that he was standing. I picked the CD up myself, not wanting Alexis to touch it. What if when he left again, he took whatever these gifts from Jack had sparked alive?

                I noticed Micah still staring at me, the fear clear on his face. Ha. A child was afraid of me. What a fucking joke.

                "What are you staring at, kid?" I said.

                "You were mean to Alexis," he said, wincing at his own words as if I would strike him for them.

                "I never said I was nice. Just because a guy is playful, it doesn't mean he's nice," I said. "Jack, say what you have to say and get out."

                "I'm extremely uncomfortable right now. Let's go to your room so I can talk and leave," Jack said.

                Alexis stepped forward, holding his hand out. "Alexis."

                "Jack." Jack reached to shake his hand, but my own hand snatched his.

                "Let's go," I said, yanking him out of the room. Alexis wouldn't take this from me too.

                I pulled Jack into my room and shut the door, nodding at him to speak. He dropped onto my bed, looking around my room and letting out a whistle.

                "Shit man, you are officially off the rails," he said.

                "I am not," I said, voice dangerous.

                Jack glanced at me and shrugged. "You are. Life dealt you a shit hand and you forgot how to shuffle for a new deal."

                "You can't get a new deal. You get what life gives you and you make the rest for yourself," I said. "It doesn't matter how much you shuffle a deck. In the end, there are only 52 cards."

                Jack laid on his back, his hands folded behind his head. "My dad and I, we used to play Sequence a lot together. And I remember one time he asked me if I had the suicide king. I thought it was a joke, but there it was, a king with a sword in his head." Jack grinned a little. "The king of hearts. The suicide king."

                "Fitting." I sat on my desk. "Is that all you had to say?"

                Jack pushed himself up onto his elbows, looking over at me. "You're a pretty fucked up person. You're all sorts of broken." He held up a hand before I could say anything. "Let me tell you what I think, Ace. I think you're hiding things from yourself and they're determined to get out. I think life cracked you and something inside of you is trying to get out now that it has an escape. And the more you fight it, the more those cracks spread. I also think you're afraid."

                "Afraid?" I snorted. "What the hell would I be afraid of?"

                "Feelings," he said simply. "I think you took the majority of your feelings and you repressed them. And now you're terrified of what it will be like when they get out and hit you all at once."

                He got off my bed and moved towards my door. He paused before he opened it, his hand resting on the handle.

                "Ace," he said, his words slow now. "You're like a child. You don't understand things. You don't understand how relationships work. Romantic, friend, family. You don't grasp what they mean. It's like parts of you were cut down before they were allowed to grow. You don't know how to have relationships, you don't know how to feel emotions..." He sighed. "And you don't know the difference between care and pity."

                He opened my door and slipped out, letting the door shut behind him. I stared at it, hating the headache that was starting to throb.

                My gaze dropped down to the CD in my hands, clutching it tightly. I opened it and flipped the CD over, looking at Jack's handwriting on the back.

                "Care," I mumbled to myself. Is this what it felt like when someone cared about you?

                Something else inside me seemed to slip through the cracks, warming my face into a blush. I picked my arm up, slinging it over my eyes as I leaned back, squeezing my eyes shut. The CD was a comfortable weight in my hand.

                "Shit," I said quietly. This wasn't what it felt like when someone cared about you. This is what it felt like when you cared about someone.