More weeks drifted past and change came like the shifting seasons, the light dimming and the cold settling into my bones.

My relationship with Yavan had disintegrated into nothingness, taking with his abscence the last vestiges of my sanity. I was drifting along the sloshing tides, water churning all around me as I tried to stay afloat.

Change was inevitable, there was not one aspect of my life or this world that stayed the same because time was continuously in motion. I followed the current and moved along. My body adrift in the wild sea while I secretly dreamed of the vibrant green earth I had once called home.

I craved to be grounded in the present but my mind flickered to the past and wavered over the future. Life was so uncertain.

Sighing under my breath I kept moving on wards, my feet dragging me into the main hall and taking me to my designated seat. I stared forlornly at the empty chair at the table, my feelings morose as I acknowledged that Jana had really done it. She had left.

She had said her piece and when the time came she acted on it. To say I was surprised to find her absent when I returned from my days away at my healing school was an understatement.

She was definitely a woman of her words, she said what she meant and stuck to it. There was that stubbornness in her that had been present from young. She always did as she said and did not go back on her words.

Unlike some people, namingly a young boy called Yavan who was still here. Who had remained here even when I had packed my bags and fled with my daughter for a few days.

I didn't want to be there when he left me but instead of missing Yavan leave I had missed Jana's abrupt exit.

He was still here but she wasn't.

It seemed that no matter what, I was doomed to watch him turn his back on me unless of course I turned my back on him. It was something I couldn't fathom doing, even when he had given me no reason to stay or to care and so o stayed where I was.

My body moving sluggishly as I slid a small piece of toast into my mouth as my eyes wandered of his handsome face before turning to my daughter.

My ears perked up at her babbling. Her big blue eyes shining as she wowed Carson away with her constant chatter.

My gaze lingered over his smooth golden skin and full lips. Feelings I hadn't acknowledged in a few years stirring inside me and reminding me of the reason why I had fled not too long ago. There was a sexual tension between us now that hadn't existed before Meilan's letter. Perhaps it had always been there, but until a few weeks ago I had failed to feel it or acknowledge it. Not now.

Now every time I saw him I felt the burning hunger consuming me as I fought my need.

My palms itching with the urge to drag him closer

Kiss him deeper

Love him harder

I couldn't trust myself.

I couldn't because while my body hungered for the taste of him on my lips, and the strength of him climbing over me as he settled deep within, my mind rebelled. Repulsed at the idea that I would let another man in where only my husband truly belonged.

My heart and brain were splintered at the fray, claw marks shredding at my heart and slicing at my mind as they fought tirelessly. All the while my soul became more and more quiet.

I was loosing my essence while the two integral parts of me clashed in a viscous dance of pull and tug.

Back and forth

Back and forth

Forth and back

My choice wavered, rocking on the sloshing tides of a nameless, faceless voyage. I was drifting, my destination unknown to me because I was divided in a way I had not been in such a long time.

I was at the precipice of my old life and staring into the black, bottomless pit that was my new life. Small green vines twisting from the deep ravine that hindered my movement, asking me if I should climb down or risk it all and leap over.

Have faith

My mind said climb down.

My brain implored me to take the safer route and hold onto those vines and branches and climb down in the dark until I reached the bottom. Our hands would be steady and our decent controlled and measured. My brain screamed that the only option was down.

My heart told me to jump. To take the risk of what could be on the other side instead of accepting defeat and climbing down to my demise.

My brain screamed what if we fell,
my heart screamed what if we flew.

My soul simply blinked back at me, peered over the black abyss and stared into the void that transpired past the ravine. My soul turned over and refused to decide.

I was split.

A house divided was just that, a house. Cold and empty, it was not a home. It was no way to live and yet I found myself living in the cracks of my current life while holding onto the shattered pieces of my old life.

Even when the foundations of my home had been torn to pieces, I still held onto those few remnants because the thought, the mere notion of moving on was daunting. The inkling that I could love again was shot down before it's wings had begun to spread.

Love someone else other than Meilan?

Never

Why would I want to? My brain screamed that if we let our guard down the pain would be inevitable. My heart reminded me of my younger self, young Vanya who had seen nothing but despair as she clasped the silver to her wrist as voices sung in her ear. That Vanya had crawled into a ravine and had been ready to die, her heart shredded because she did not believe she would ever feel love.

My heart reminded me of those dark, dark feelings and then it reminded me of what my reality had become. The light I had found in myself and eventually in love.

I had thought I would never love again. Never have a child of my own.

My heart continued to beat with hope.

Hope

Our relationship was always so bittersweet, I had been a hopeful romantic that was who I was. I longed for love, for someone to hold me in my last days. My heart told me I could have that but then my mind showed me pictures of Meilan.

I already had that once in my life time, why would I ever need it again?

Forth and back

Forth and back

Back and forth

My days were a cycle of the same indecisiveness. No choice could be made without another being made to disregard that very choice.

That was my life until I was shaken from my glassy eyed reverie by strong loving arms. The choice was taken from me.

"Vanya," like a ghost he hovered at the entrance to my room, feet rocking back and forth as he contemplated on whether he should address the awkwardness that had grown between us.

My eyes fluttered open, blank stare meeting those cool grey eyes that didn't seem so cool anymore. There was a flickering fire that reminded me off the Carson of old.

He had always been my fire.

"You're still up?"

I nodded back, pulling the blanket away from
My face. A gasp sucking through his lips when he saw my blotchy face.

"Talk to me,"

My mouth opened but no discernible sound escaped.

"Vanya," he hummed, climbing onto the bed and pulling me into his strong arms.

Words melted over me, soft comforting sound that soothed my heart but at the same time had me responding in ways that my mind completely abhorred.

This wasn't right but it felt right when my lips glided over his speckled chin

"No"'he growled, hands gentle even as he forced me away from him but I was stronger now.

My mind objection receded back into the deepest recesses of my consciousness as my body took on a life of its own.

My heart thudding its own secret chant.

Yes

Yes

Yes

My heart cried in until eventually his lips were in tune and together we eradicated all no's and only lived in the yes.

For one infinitesimal moment I halted, unsure if this was the right thing to do but my heart thudded on. It's chant growing stronger, his heart beating faster,

Body growing harder yet more pliant.c

We were curled under the cocoon my heart made. Buried away from the rest of reality as we melded together. He tried to stop me, to talk but my brain had vacated the building.

Now words could be spoken, there was nothing I could say but so much I wanted to show him. Give him, share with him.

My body became more frenzied and he met my desire, his resolve to leave weakening until it disappeared completely.

Hands groped along bodies, smoothing over supple skin as he kissed in places he had never visited. Each movement, kiss and touch was full of reverence and awe. I could feel his emotions, they were overwhelming.

Full of longing, disbelief and hunger.

I clung to his hunger and fed him with mine. Tongues duelling as clothes fell to the floor and bodies came together. His thick fingers stroking and plucking, twisting and rubbing as he wound my body tighter all without thinking to sate his own pleasure.

Every gesture I made to touch him was discarded with another soft stroke, or wet tongue from him.

My head tilted back into the pillows as he slid between my legs and burried his head into my shoulder. Inhaling my scent.

Lips glided across my body leaving no part untouched.

We joined together in a beautiful dance of bodies, hearts and souls but when morning came the bitter taste of regret projected from my lips and into the white toilet bowl.

What had I done?

My mind was present now and it rioted inside me, throwing up walls and blocking out emotions until my heart was imprisoned and locked away behind my minds temporary walls.

When his pale grey eyes flickered open, full lips pulled into a soft smile as the sun flowed on his skin, I wanted to cry. To get into the bed lay with him and just cry away all my angst and negativity but my mind was elsewhere, already planning our escape.

He climbed from the bed, kissing at my forehead before heading to the bathroom. When he came back out to find me standing there statuesque in the same place he had left me, uncertainty becagn to flicker in his orbs.

"Vanya are you okay?"

My lips parted but nothing came, nothing at all and he knew.

He knew exactly what was happening.

He looked gutted, rejected and I hated myself so much for making him feel this way.

"I don't know what this means for us," I croaked.

My mind was churning, trying to finger out a way to get us out of a commitment that we weren't mentally prepared for. A commitment that would be taxing on every part of our essence even if our heart thought love would help us get through the grief over loosing love.

Hair of the dog didn't always work and sometimes the poison could never be the antidote.

"Nothing if you don't want it to mean anything," he shrugged but I heard his unspoken words.

Everything

This meant everything to him.

"I don't know what to do," I sobbed, shoulders curling forwards as he pulled me into his embrace.

"You do whatever you want do Vanya, whatever feels best,"

I didn't know what that was, I was so divided.

"You need time," he hummed, as if seeing the conflict in my eyes.

"You're scared and confused and it's my fault,"

"Carson it's-"

"No, it is," he grouched, "you are still grieving and I took advantage of you. I'm sorry Vanya and I hope you can forgive me." He murmured, lips moving against my forehead as he clutched me to him.

We stood there for a while, just holding each other in the few moments of peace we would have together. I hastily pulled out of his arms as Winters pattering feet made her way into my room.

"Moring," she grinned, her ponytail lopsided and dribble sticking to her chin.

"Good morning, sweetie," I murmured squatting down so I could pepper her with kisses before she bombarded Carson with his special morning greeting.

As soon as I was out of the way she ran to him and he lifted her high in the air, throwing her up and catching her before swinging her around and setting her on her feet. She squealed and laughed in joy as she asked him to do it again. He did it a few more times while I went into the bathroom and began running her bath, filling the water up with bubbles and placing some of her favourite toys inside so me and Carson could finish our talk while she played in the bath.

We left her in my tub, the bathroom door open and her childish babbles filling our ears and killing any residual tension between us.

His eyes crinkling with true joy at the wild stories Winter was creating with her toys. Her voice changing to octave to match each character.

"Meilan would be proud of her," he smiled a forlorn tone to his voice.

"Yes he would," I agreed, Meilan would be very proud of the girl our daughter was growing into.

"Vanya I-"

"Let me," I hushed,hand waving to cut off whatever words he was about to say.

"What happened last night was not your fault Carson, it was no ones fault because there was nothing wrong with what we did,"

"There wasn't," I hastily repeated trying to remove the disbelief from his face.

"It was too soon for me to do that but Carson," I murmured, holding his cheek in my palm and staring into his grey eyes that had always been so reflective of every single emotion he had ever felt.

"It felt right and I don't want you to regret it because I don't. At first I did but now I don't, not anymore," my lip quivered as big splotches of tears glided down my cheeks.

"You are an amazing man and maybe one day I will be ready for what keeps evading us but," I couldn't speak those words, my mouth felt dry and my heart was paining me to even think it.

"But you need time," he whispered, wiping away my tears with his soft touch.

My eyes glided closed at his gentle fingers.

"I don't expect you to be ready for me Vanya, I don't know if you ever will be"

I didn't know either.

"But what I do know is that I have waited sixteen years to get this close to you, I can wait however many more you need because I love you."

Tears cascaded down my cheeks in rivulets as his raw emotions overwhelmed me with feelings that my brain fervently tried to refute.

My heart was listening though.

"I'm willing to be here for you in whatever capacity you need me, even if you never love me,"

Because he loved me that much.

My heart fractured apart because I knew that I did love him but I didn't know if I could ever love him enough to give him what he so desperately craved.