Being in love is the most precious thing that we might have felt at a young age. It's so satisfying to hear that someone really loves us and is willing to take a chance to be with us for the rest of our life. The unpredictable love and we might feel that we're still human.

        It's so satisfying to know that after all the heartache we experienced in the past, there is someone who's willing to take a ring finger to be our beloved one. There’s someone to be our own father, brother, adviser, a friend and most of all our beloved one. I loved that man, I really do.

After being hurt in a relationship in the past, he was the one who taught me to give it a try.

        I lost myself in love. I'm a wreck and blast with multiple stabs in my heart. I entered into a relationship with another relationship with my issue in my head; I’m scared to trust. I felt lost to trust and I’m scared to be hurt again after those deepest scars in my heart, mind and soul. Yet out of nowhere, I meet or just a long distance text and call someone that I never thought I’ve been falling for.

        He's all to me, my brother, adviser, teacher and my friend of mine that I respect a lot. I loved that man, I really do. He is one of my inspirations to become who I am today. He set strong boundaries to teach me and know how to ease my emotions when I am down. He knows how to calm me down to the point he gives another idea why I feel those emotions to someone or anybody when I talk about a lot of things to him.

        Sa madaling sabi, sumbungan ko siya and yet he knows how to calm me down. He makes me cry and yet he makes me strong at the same time. The man who courted me and confessed his feelings during his mission? Damn, that man! Imagine, he confesses when his phone must be given to his superior? Damn! He always wants to caught me off guard. Looks like he is playing with me and yet, No, I feel him. I know if he’s telling the truth and lies to me.

         How? I don’t know, I just trust him. Our love story is complicated and a lot of unconventional things yet I fell in love with that man. I really do. That man drove me crazy to the point I became paranoid of thinking a lot of things and sabotaged our connection until we broke up and hurt each other with a lot of things. I make the mistake of not trusting him, yeah, I really hurt him and then he hurt me also, so basically, we hurt each other with the same degree.

         We are paranoid to each other until the trust and doubts fill our hearts, mind and soul. And yet, one thing, I'm proud of, I do love that man fully to the point, I was hospitalized yet my parents don't know that the reason is because of him. I give up on myself because of loving him, that's why falling in love is my huge weakness. I’m strong externally yet I’m weak inside. Ofcourse, I am human, not immortal.

         I do care for that man, I love him. I really do. I do appreciate and wait for him to make his promise of being his wife. He proposed to me; the man who taught me to love and trust again, yet destiny plays with our love story. Because of different emotions that eat my whole personality, I doubted his love until I heard that he might have another woman which I think maybe since he did confess that to me.

       I do love his personality because if I need to know that truth, he tells me though it hurts me. This is me, I want someone who is transparent to me and can communicate with me on a deeper level. So, upon that time, a lot of things happened in our relationship. We make mistakes and always confess to each other and yet it's not enough for us to be honest to each other since we are both not really asking anything or talking about what could be the most conflicted matter in our relationship back then.

       I’m innocent and not a braver woman at that time which means he was more mature than I am. Yet I know, he already sees this braver side of me now back then which I do love about him because he knows how to let that side of me which I didn’t know back then, I'm not aware of. So, If maybe our destiny meets again, I know, he might be shocked or just telling me, “I know that, I’ve seen that back then to you.”

       That man was really known to catch me off guard. He knows to knock when I’m not ready. He knows how to handle my fiery side, since he knows I used to have a bad mouth when I’m mad which I can regret later; an impulsive, April Fools and Aries zodiac. How’s that? haha, my fiery nature is matched with the same fiery man who can’t turn my whole world 360 degrees upside down.

        I am a huge bitch in front yet vulnerable internal organs. Haha, yet that man knows me. He knows how to tame the fiery nature of impulsive ariyan, yet, that’s love. We might meet and be loved or loved by someone who needs us like we need them. God does not give what we want, he gives what we need. And upon meeting him and his promises that we will be married soon it sadly broke my heart.

       I wait for that event though a lot of trial and error happened in our connection. All my classmates during college know that he is my man, the one and only. Some get jealous and rumors and opinions that add conflict to both of us. I believed in them and didn't trust them. I talked with anyone who was jealous of my foreign friend on facebook.

      He has an extreme jealousy attack which I didn’t observe at that time. Maybe he is right, “Manhid daw ako,” haha. We blamed each other and we both gave up on our promises. We both didn’t let our proposal to each other become our own wedding journey.

       We hurt each other and we both make mistakes that hurt each other. And yet, one thing I admired in our connection, we can talk about a lot of things and we both have strength to let secrets be told in both of us though we might hurt each other. That’s our story, our love story. A love story from both fiery individuals who have a good combination of extreme truthfulness to each other. That's why, I am hospitalized because of that man and yet, I’m still alive kicking, and hoping I can find the right man for me.

        It's been 2 years now. Our promise is during 2020, after I graduate from College; he waits for me. And yet, maybe he is married now and me… here, still waiting for the man who matches my weaknesses and strengths. Who can accept and love me for who I am and never leave me when tough times come. Based on what I remembered, He mentioned that marriage is 2020 yet I'm taking that time. I don’t want to be selfish of him to wait for me so I let it slide and tell him, I’m sorry.

       No matter what happens, it kills me a million times and gazillion times yet, who I am to be selfish to someone who loves me and yet when tough times come, he breaks up with me because of my mistake. I gave up my long awaited marriage for someone who killed me and taught me to become someone I don't even remember and taught me to become someone who didn't know herself anymore today.

        I keep my promises, I wait for him. I waited for that marriage and now it's gone, maybe he is gone. Maybe he’s happily married now. He kept his promises and yet I let it slide for someone who killed me and left me after I killed myself into the deepest water that broke my whole system. How unfair it is to make decisions during my immature days. How unfair to be alone with no one loving you and understanding you but yourself.

      I’m alone and yet the pain of a broken proposal of marriage for someone I do love deeply is gone. It's a painful ending for me.  And no matter what and wherever he is, I wish him a Happily Ever After though I’m not his bride and I am not his daughter and son’s mother. I wish him the best though I’m a close book now. Its painful to be in the past yet this is my immature decision in life back then.

     I will keep moving with my journey and hoping someday, I do find the right guy for me. I do find the one who always chooses me and never leaves me no matter what happens. I’m hoping there’s someone for me after the ending of many different stories of broken promises. Maybe, it's my destiny to be alone and do someone I meet play the word, “Will you marry me,” because, I don’t think I believe in that anymore.

      It's enough to hope for that because, I am always reminiscing how pain eats me and scattered the pieces of my heart. Thank you for the scars of yesterday and I hope soon I can give love and trust to someone who might come into my life. If I am ready to give my all again. I’m tired and losing hope to find my long lost someone who is until now, it's nothing but my own dance. —E