Being in love is something I dreamt of. I loved, cared deeply to the fullest that hurt me a million, gazillion times. I gave love in a manner of giving everything about me: my body, soul and my all. I got tired and it really pissed me off. I used to ask myself why I need to suffer like this?

       Why I need to take a battle within myself and my insecurities in everything. Why do I need to feel rejection, not enough and not good enough in everything. Why I need to feel like I'm a bad person and I need to change myself to be acceptable in general. Why is life in this world unfair?

       I used to feel loved and being in-love yet it kicks me off the ground. I used to feel important yet caught me off guard; that someone put a stab in my back. I used to feel happy yet they get it back to themselves. I loved and gave all of myself yet in the end I ended up wreck and lost in the dark.

      I ask why? Do I deserve everything? Yeah, I am not perfect and I can do wrong and make mistakes that for the rest of my life I can regret. Yet, Isn’t a mistake to find love by being a wreck and giving all of myself without knowing that in the end I was lost in the battlefield and someone might laugh at me because they think that they won over me?

       I lost everything by finding the love of my life. I lost myself loving someone who end up breaking my heart for their own egotistical and insecurities that they have. Do they think that I am immortal and that I don't have any insecurities and downfalls? I am a human too, I can cry, laugh, hurt, insecure, jealous and be crazy finding out if someone really loves me too.

        I’m not perfect in everything but I’m human and I need to feel secure in everything too like the way I do to someone I love yet why is the universe being unfair to me? Why do I need to feel defeated after I give my best yet the results are still the same? Yeah, I’m not perfect and need guidance yet. One thing I wanted to say is, I’m tired of everything and I would end up not believing in love again.

       I lost myself many times after I feel special. I lost myself after being felt that I’m the one and I lost myself trying to be someone they want although I’m suffering inside. I got lost on the track. I lost myself after loving someone who in the end didn't really understand the hell of me. In the end, I’m just trash that has nothing special that they can hurt no matter what they want too.

       I got lost in crowded places without knowing where and what I should do to feel alive again. I lost everything I had until I lost believing that there is someone really for me. Someone who will accept and care for me like the way I used to do. Someone who never gets tired loving and caring for me though the world doesn’t understand me at all. I get tired and I lost hope in everything.

      Maybe this is my destiny, my purpose, my freewill, and my fate. To be alone and feel empty in my own glasses. I used to admire things that will never become true in my eyes. I keep believing in things that in the end I end up being hurt a gazillion times before it may come.

      I lost everything and got tired of it. I lost the same girl before that no one knows but to love and give. I lost the innocent girl in the mirror and saw the other side of her. I see the broken glass who will never be the same person anymore. I get tired of fighting for everything and I get tired believing that the right person may come to my door.

       One thing for sure, I see the girl in the mirror who looks messed up and broken. Hoping to be loved, cared for, understood, accepted and protected too by someone who might love her and never let her go or someone who will never leave her alone crying in the mirror with broken eyes filled with tears and pain in her face.

        She’s hoping to be in love and find the right person for her though she gives up believing upon it. She keeps looking around to see the love of a lifetime of her though she never hopes someone will come. She keeps standing and fighting with her standard to find her perfect match though she knows no one will come to give that to her. Instead, she believes that no one will fit for her standard because she always ends up being with someone she loves that never knows what love means to them.

       They just play the bush with flowery words that in the end, it's a matter of inconsistency and out of strong reliability. They just talked without transparency but just mere half-words to manipulate her feelings of being doormat. They just say things that are nonsense but just a mere faking communication. They talked too impressively , not to express themselves. They just talked for a matter of talk but it's not suited to their capabilities of doing what they’re saying.

       It’s painful to feel betrayed yet it's more painful to be in place of darkness without knowing what will come after that unending story. It’s painful to be in the place of unknown territory without knowing what will happened after being push to be in the place of nonexistence but just a mere product of illusion and manipulation of someone who didn't trust and doesn't want you to be involved in their life but just an intimacy and nothing else matter after all.

       You're just being a toy that after being used you are just a mere product of trash that needs to be disposed of when not used anymore. I get tired of it and I stop believing if love will come my way after so many years suffered in hell. I get tired of everything and I’m not hoping for anything but just a peace of mind of my heart, body and soul. Just a freedom of freeness and not being able to see the broken glass I see in the mirror when I look at it.

      One thing I dreamt after so much pain; to see the broken mirror become totally messed up with a new one who is strong and has balanced boundaries for herself. It’s a manner of not being perfect yet we do something for change to become imperfect yet we're happy and enough to feel the completeness of us without any validation for anyone. It's just a broken mirror yet with new scars of being born again after being in hell of it. —D