Love creates beautiful scenery in my head. I'm a hopeless romantic who wants to feel love from someone. Who wants to feel important and appreciated by the one I loved. Who wants to be protected and accepted completely by the one I care about. Who wants to be the one and only precious lady in his eyes. Who wants to be taking care of me like what I always do. Someone who is always there and never leaves me. Someone who acknowledges my presence in his life. Someone who's willing to be with me in my crazy world of thought. And someone who always chooses me like the way I choose him in my life.

       I always prayed to be with someone like that. I never get tired of waiting for him in his white horse with his swords that only for someone who wants to hurt me. Someone who always having his handkerchief to ease my pain. Someone who's willing to give his time like what I can do for him too. Someone who always wants to be with me in my lonely time and his time. Someone who's willing to balance everything for the two of us. Someone who never gets tired of loving and understands my sensitivity in my own insecurities at my low vibration.

      Someone who's willing to take me on an adventure in a fantasy world. Someone who's willing to listen to me deeply and only me. Someone who's not distracted by any other human being there instead just the two of us walking in our own destiny and purpose. Someone who wants to  explore the world a lot with me. Someone whose I never say anything yet he already minds in his own ways. I’m always hoping for a match made in heaven.

     Someone who's been and always there in our own time together. In simple and yet a lot of memories that time can be used properly creating peace, happiness and calmness of our hearts. Someone who's willing to understand my deepest love just for him. I cared deeply and loved someone until I died perfectly so I always make sure that he is the one before I give my own life. I hate the feeling of not being able to be trusted, feeling not worth it in everything and feeling like I am not acceptable in my own uniqueness and existence.

      Most of all, I do feel crazy and aloof that I can’t express my own identity because they said that I need to take my psychological process, haha. It’s unfair that I need to keep something to myself and let my other side of being I’m not get into the surface just for their acceptance. I must say, if they can’t handle my crazy and weird capacity then they don’t deserve my all. Until I die of love for them. It’s hard to be in a place of unknown territory that no one can’t and really wants to understand my deepest and unconventional personality, behavior, action and hobbies.

     Everything I do is something I really want and love too. But if they can’t let me in my own self, they are not meant in my life. They ‘re not meant to my all. If they can’t handle my weird and crazy capacity then they can’t really rise to my dominant and adventurous side that might make them crazy in hell. I can do damages in love and I can make a fantasy in love that make them crazy. Yet, they need to be in a huge trial before they get that because I don’t settle for anyone who don’t deserve it. If they give up in hard times with me then that’s fine and I’m sorry if that enough for them to cut in my life.

    I’m different and hard to understand. I’m difficult and I never regret that because that’s who I am. My authentic self and self-expression. A balance between of fantasy-reality check. A huge harder silent lone wolf who's willing to wait a thousand years to meet his Alpha and Beta Sigma King. I'm crazy right? Yeah, I always feel the same way and yet it satisfies my own identity. I look like a pioneer of my own standard but I want my full self-actualization and my own counterpart.

    Though they might say, “That’s unconventional! Are you out of your mind? Are you having a hangover? Are you delusional?” Yeah, I am but it’s better to be alone than being someone and committed with them without any satisfaction. And I just let myself be with a false identity that locked me in my own self-expression that I can’t breathe properly because they think I am worthless and nonsense. That must be really exhausting and I just want to end my own life rather than being with someone who never ever accepts and loves me for  who I am.

     I do meet someone like me in a past years that I can’t tell that I am crazy because there is someone the same mine was really existing in this world. It’s satisfy to meet someone whose has a the same degree of mine to the point that I can’t believed that there is someone really exist like us. And yet, why we never be in a relationship? Because I am older than him, he might look like my little brother so we can’t be together and yet he also has a mother issue which is he wants to meet his own mother to satisfy him though he already successfully asked a government employee.

    Meeting his own mother after twenty-one years is his biggest dream in his life and he told me that he can die after that. He his matured in his age and I amazed how he think that way. He never got mad in his own mother after abandoning him instead he want to see her before he died. His father was already gone a long time ago. He is only one child and never has anyone in his life. He has really matured and knows what. I feel scared about him, I can’t talk to him yet he knows me already, and knows who I am and what I do even just a glimpse on my social media. That’s scary yet satisfying.

     It’s shocking to me to meet someone like him and yet it’s overwhelming to meet someone who has never met you and can know you fully in a blink of an eye. He scared me and yet I acknowledge and appreciate meeting him. First time in my life that I met someone like me. Who have the same degree of existence in this lifetime. Who can understand you silently and deeply without uttering any words. Cool and really amazing to be with someone who's like you, different and yet satisfying without any lies upon it.

     He can make a vulnerability without any bias of hurting and manipulating you. He can read you artistically and worldly. So, powerful and until then I never imagined that we would meet on social media. It looks like we met in another realm of the world before. You feel the intensity, calmness and satisfaction that I always find somewhere after having a break up with my past. No matter what happened wishing him before 2021. He will be able to meet his mother. I don’t know where he is but I hope he will find things, a person and someone who can love him with the same intensity he has because he deserves it.

     I do feel the same feelings that no one can’t meet your standard and no one really understand what you’ve been through. It’s just they feel like you been playing around them and just being sensitive to everything. It’s hard to be in that place where you're alone and feel the emptiness, loneliness and being different to anyone. It's hard to feel unacceptable and crazy for someone you really love. It’s hard to do things that don't satisfy you yet you're trying yourself to be fit. It’s scary to be understood yet it’s more difficult to be in a place of unknown territory without anyone who can really understand you completely and fluently. No one can’t really appreciate your existence and feel alone hoping for someone to understand you without judgment.

     So, I am hoping he will find a key to his own journey upon working alone in this chaotic world that most of all, money, power, possession, beauty, connection, and firearms is more important than spiritual, behavior, physical, health, mental, emotional, intellectual and communication. Wishing him the best and wishing myself to find a key to my heart too.

     I’m hoping that someday, someone will knock on my door, “I AM HERE. LET’S MAKE OUR ADVENTURE TOGETHER. LET’S OUR JOURNEY BECOME OUR THE BEST WITH A GOOD COMMUNICATION TO EACH OTHER. TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE IN A DARK AND LIGHT'S OFF IN THIS WORLD. WE GO TOGETHER AND LET'S LAUGH, CRY, AND HOLD EACH OTHER ARMS WALKING IN AISLE WITHOUT LETTING SOMEONE GO ALONE. I DON'T WANNA SLEEP WITHOUT MY MIRROR SOUL. LET'S OUR SOUL BECOME ONE UPON LOVING EACH OTHER.”
—C