__________

"Every man has his own destiny:
the only imperative is to follow it,
to accept it, no matter where it leads him."

- Henry Miller, Author

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0 1

Everything seemed brighter under the cheap fluorescent lights. Too bright, she thought, and squinted her eyes to spare herself from another headache. Her body felt numb, her feet sore from too much standing. She'd wanted to lie down, get a few minutes rest to gain some of her strength back at least, but her responsibilities left no time for it.

Dr. Katarina Luna, or Rina as she preferred to be called, held her white coat tightly around her slightly plump body. Hospitals were always so cold, even in summer nights like the one they were having, when the air remained warm and humid long after the scorching sun had set. Her hideous scrubs of cornflower blue were too thin and airy, and offered no insulation against the dry, biting cold of the air conditioning.

Another wave of frantic nurses and medics pushed their way past her with a gurney as she shuffled to the triage. The rhythmic clanking of metal wheels against the white tiled floor resonated like a dreadful psycho movie backdrop to her ears. Silently she prayed, as her eyes trailed after the bloodied white sheets, that she wouldn't be called to assist. Though she knew the call would come sooner or later, whether she welcomed it or not.

Working the surgery department in a public hospital in the capital spelled a lot of sleepless nights and insurmountable stress. She knew before she even signed the contract, practically selling her soul to the hospital. And yet six months into residency and she was more than ready to wave a white flag. She'd be branded a quitter though, a fact her overbearing mother never let her forget.

She slumped against the cluttered counter upon reaching her destination. The edge stabbed at her back hard, but she didn't care about the dull pain. What she cared about was clocking out of her shift, which wasn't happening for another few hours.

She turned her gaze to the busy floor. In her tired eyes the bustle of activities around her seemed to slow down. The noise faded to a subtle drone of low voices and distant sounds. An array of white uniforms and coats moved about with purpose all around her. She was one of these people, she thought, and yet, somehow she knew that she wasn't. Or perhaps she denied that she was.

At the back of her mind came the same nagging question and a knot instantly formed in her stomach, causing her to frown. Why did it suddenly felt so wrong being what she is? She used to love being at the hospital, the smell of antiseptic a familiar blanket of comfort to her senses. But now the scent was nothing more than a painful reminder of what she'd once wished to become. A wish that somehow, under pressure, had changed.

The same sinking feeling of helplessness bloomed in her chest - the feeling that had been a black hole threatening to pull her in in the last few months. She felt like a dry leaf floating about in fetid sewer water, surrounded in filth. She felt unimportant, purposeless, and it made her want to throw in the towel countless times.

She just wanted to drop everything and go home, the need to curl up into a ball in the corner an undeniable itch. She would gladly stay there out of judging eyes for as long as the feeling would go away. But then what? What would she do? What was it that she really wanted?

The only clear thing in her mind was the notion that she was lost. Lost in the maze of life with endless paths, crossroads, and dead ends. She couldn't tell what lay on the other side of the suffocating walls that trapped her. Where should she turn? Was this the right way? She could feel purpose waiting for her but didn't know the way to get to where it is.

She sighed, running a hand over her face. How she wished she could stop time, get her bearings and figure it all out. Was it really too much to ask?

"You okay there, Doc Rina?" The doctor looked up to the sound of her name and found herself staring at the concerned eyes of a friend.

"Oh. Hey, Lynn." She smiled weakly, remnants of her thoughts still hovering in her mind.

"You look horrible." The other woman grimaced.

Lynn was an old friend from her university days when the worst dilemma had been earning the elusive nursing degree. And getting the cute guy from class to finally notice her, she recalled, though the guy with the adorable dimples had turned out to be playing on the same side. They felt so stupid not to have noticed then; the whole thing had been mission impossible from the start. That didn't stop her from missing the simpler life though. Somehow, time had slipped by too fast.

She ran her hands through her long, wavy, dark hair before tying it behind her in an attempt to look somewhat presentable. "Gee, thanks for sugarcoating," she said.

Her friend grinned, adjusting the white cap pinned on her head. "But seriously, how long have you been on duty this time?"

"Close to fifty-four hours?" Even Rina herself sounded a bit surprised at the result of her quick math. It was no wonder her mind had gone down the dark path. "Paolo's down with the worst case of the flu. Got ordered home by one of the consultants."

"What about Doc Dana?"

The doctor shrugged. "You know how she's like. Tried calling her earlier - won't even connect."

"That little cheat."

"Either that or she just doesn't answer. Or she's out of town and won't make it in time."

"Did you tell Dr. Romualdez?"

Rina cringed at the mention of the head of the surgery department. Dr. Romualdez was one of the best, but the fifty-ish consultant wasn't exactly approachable. That none of her residents ever wanted to engage her in any form of conversation was proof. She would stare up to them with her cat-like eyes and she'd have them cowering like chided little pups. A devil in expensive dresses she was.

"Course not. Don't wanna rat anybody out. If Dana doesn't want to do extra work, that's her problem. She's only hurting herself."

"True." Lynn pursed her lips and nodded rhythmically. "Well, everybody's gonna hear about it sooner or later." She winked at her.

She immediately understood what her friend meant - that the nurses were a big basket of idle gossip. What they loved had ruined a few friendships and a tad bit more of families, but to blame them was something she couldn't do. They were all as stuck as she was and needed some form of distraction.

She shook her head, smiling. "Make that after they hire another resident. I don't think we can manage with just two of us. You'd probably be attending my funeral way ahead of schedule if that happens."

"Noted, Doc." The nurse smiled and nodded.

"Oh yeah, how did last night -" Rina was about to ask her about life outside of their personal prison when one of the other nurses tapped her shoulder from behind.

"Dr. Luna, they need you in O.R. 3." He gave her a sympathetic smile and she couldn't help but wonder if she did in fact look worse than usual.

She sighed and nodded at him before turning back to her friend. "Duty calls." The words came out like another sigh.

"Maybe they just need a glass of water?" Lynn said, her shoulders lifting a fraction.

The doctor couldn't help but smile. "I just hope it's not another appendix," she said. "I'm starting to wish they didn't exist in the first place."

She shook her head again and straightened herself. With a clouded heart she began heading towards getting another dose of depressing reality.

It was hours later that she finally made it to the locker room. She felt completely spent, her legs heavy like anchors. Much to her dismay, the operation had been another appendectomy, and right after she was dragged into making early morning rounds. The mere act of forcing smiles and pleasantries had been a dreadful chore, considering how long she'd been working without a wink of sleep.

The room was small and dingy with depressing beige walls and vinyl flooring. Seeing the familiar array of metal lockers and wooden benches, she felt a mild uplifting. The place had always brought about a deeply set exhaustion for when she had just come in for a shift, but whenever she went knowing she'd be soon bound for home, it brought her a good amount of relief.

She rummaged her pockets for her phone and routinely checked for messages. She almost managed a smile as she read the text her younger brother had sent.

'Just arrived. Will wait for you in the car.'

She quickly sent a reply, grateful at least for her luck in the siblings department. Her brother had been nothing but solid support, more so after she'd trusted him with the knowledge of her dark dilemmas. The boy four years her junior had even volunteered to be her personal chaperon, even at times when her shift ended at odd hours like that night. There was nothing more a sister could really ask for.

After getting her bag out of the locker, she quickly changed into her tight skirt and flowing top. Wearing her own clothes again made her feel just a bit better. The scrubs and white coat felt like a dermis she was forced to wear for when the hospital owned her time, but in her clothes she was just Rina - plain old, albeit still a tad spiritless, Rina.

She didn't bother retouching her make-up before she slumped unto one of the benches. Where she worked there was no point in putting an effort to stay pretty. Nobody cared if one looked appealing, only that they function with robotic efficiency.

It was as she was wrestling her mass of waves into a braid that her ears caught wisps of sounds. They were the swinging of a door and footsteps, and of voices coming from the next room. She knew the residents' locker room was right next to the consultants', separated only by a thin wall and a hollow door, and wasn't exactly surprised she could make things out from the other side. She always thought the arrangement was intentional; residents were well known for a certain bad habit of doing 'stuff' in places where they shouldn't.

She could hear the voices clearly as she dug into her bag for her handkerchief. Whoever was on the other side spoke as if they had complete privacy. Perhaps they weren't aware somebody was in the adjoining room?

"Are you sure?" The voice that spoke sounded alarmed. It was a familiar voice of a woman that Rina couldn't quite match with a name. The sound was muffled by the wall which didn't help her attempts either.

She was about to knock on the wall to announce her presence when a different and unfamiliar voice replied. The way it sounded deep and reverberating could only mean it was a man.What was said left her fist hovering over the wood.

"Unfortunately," it said. "I heard about it from my sister. There're rumors of an uprising in the south - sightings, attacks, killings. Alliance leaders have been getting together a lot in the past few months trying to come up with a plan to contain it. Won't be long before something hits the headlines at the rate it's going there."

Rina's brows furrowed. What she just heard made no sense. She was sure the unknown man had said something about sightings and attacks. And killings? She shivered. What could he be referring to? And what were alliance leaders, she wondered. Was the uprising some kind of minority rebellion? It all sounded like a line from some spy movie, she decided, and out of place in a public hospital locker room.

"Are they sending in the squads already?" The woman's voice snapped her out of her musings.

"Not that I've heard of yet."

The sudden silence made Rina think that perhaps the conversation had come to an odd close. But then the woman spoke again and she found herself pressing an ear on the wall.

"We have to get rid of them somehow. Otherwise the problem may escalate to the cities. If that happens..." She could tell the voice broke a little at the end.

"It'll be too late to do anything. We may be facing war."

The doctor practically jumped from the bench. She hadn't realized she'd been listening intently until the loud pounding of blood in her ears drowned out all other sounds. She found the whole exchange disturbing in the least. What kind of doctors spoke of war? One voice had been eerily familiar. Did she know her perhaps?

She shook her head and ran two hands over her face. She let out the breath she'd been unknowingly holding, drawing it out in a long sigh. She couldn't deny her curiosity, but then again, what was it that people say? That curiosity killed somebody's cat? She really didn't want to be that cat.

Without missing another beat, she slapped both cheeks once. She shrugged her shoulders with a subconscious rhythm and and made dusting movements with her hands. She grabbed on tight to the edge of the bench, which felt cold under her clammy palms. And then she inhaled deep, the subtle smell of mixed body odors making her crinkle her nose in disgust. A second or two and she let out the air in a still shaky breath. It was only then that her heart returned to its normal beat.

She urged herself to calm down. For all she knew, she may have just caught them in some twisted role-play. Soon they'd get down and do the dirty deed. Or perhaps they were high. It wasn't something unheard of either. There were multiple possibilities that could explain what she had heard. And what good would come out of prying? Best she pretend she hadn't hear a thing, to move as if nothing had happened. She might've just imagined the whole thing. Perhaps there was actually no one in the other room. Lack of sleep could do that to a person, she of all people should know.

Her phone vibrating snapped her out of her thoughts. Much grateful for the wake up call, she took it out of her worn-out bag. A picture of her brother's smiling face lit the screen, his name in bold letters at the top. She swiped at the green, glowing phone as she grabbed her bag and started for the door.

"I thought you're coming out already?" her brother said in lieu of 'hello'.

"Hello to you too," she jibed as she turned the knob. "I'm on my way - literally walking out."

"Okay. See you in a few."

"Yup." She ended the call and pushed the door of the locker room open.

As she made it down the hallway towards the exit, her mind kept pulling her back to the conversation she just heard. Dismayed, she shook her head again. No point in mulling over figments of her imagination, she chided herself, even chuckling at her slight overreaction. It was almost five in the morning and she hadn't slept for more than two days. If it wasn't her mind playing tricks on her then it was her ears that had the problem.

Warm summer winds danced around her as soon as she came out of the emergency room doors. She walked slowly across the parking lot, extra care with each step as only few lights lit her way. She could feel the beads of sweat forming on her back from the sudden humidity and high temperature, but the uncomfortable atmosphere couldn't abate the surge of freedom she'd always felt upon stepping out of the always crowded hospital.

Her brother was already in the driver's seat when she finally made it to the car. He motioned for her to get in the instant he saw her trudging figure, impatience clear from the non-stop tapping of his fingers on the steering wheel. She smiled at the sight of him, hurrying her steps. Her brother wanted to go home; she was more than happy to oblige.

Without a word between them, she secured her bag on her lap. She glanced at the side mirror of the front passenger seat as she pulled the seat belt across her body. It was a habit on her part, sneaking a glance at the reflection, but what she saw then had her heart missing a single beat.

By the doors she had just come out of was a lone figure of a man in a long, white coat. There was no one there when she'd passed it. She was sure. And it seemed the man was staring back at her. Or was it just her imagination?

Hastily, she returned her gaze to the front, taking a deep breath to somehow manage the loud drumming in her chest. In the darkness her hand had a death grip at the side of the leather seat.

"What's wrong?" Her brother glanced at her at the corner of his eyes, brows furrowing with unspoken worry.

She shook her head and smiled at him. "Nothing. Just tired, I guess."

He accepted her simple answer and nodded as he steered the vehicle towards the exit.

Rina risked a glance at the mirror again and relaxed at the sight of the empty lot. She smacked herself internally. What was she so nervous about anyway? Everything had been her imagination. She'd been imagining things, she told herself. Nothing had been real.