Is this all there is? Is this all life has to offer?

More flyers in my locker today.

I swallow the hate filled words. They choke on their way down, constricting my throat to the point I can't speak. And when I'm alone I try not to regurgitate them. But when I look in the mirror, there they are, my mouth filled with their bitter taste.

If I have a guardian angel, I think she's asleep.

                                                                                                                                  - Beth, Diary entry May 31st

"Hey, look, I'm sorry about your birthday." Danielle hugged me before I could say anything. "Oops, your cap is crooked." She giggled and straightened my graduation cap. "You know how I get when I want something." She twisted her curly hair and smacked her gum. "I'm crazy, don't ya know?"

"It's fine." I couldn't stay mad at her for very long.

"Here!" she squealed, thrusting the bright pink gift bag at me. "I knew you couldn't stay mad at me forever! If you don't like it, the gift receipt is in there."

"But I didn't get you anything," I protested.

"It's for your birthday, silly! Belated, of course, but now you know why I wanted to go to the mall!"

I unwrapped the pink tissue paper to find a slinky red dress. "Danielle!" I shoved it back in the bag before my approaching parents could see it.

"What?" she protested. "We're eighteen now, and I know some places that will let us in. Not here obvi-"

"Shhh!" I interrupted her. "Mama!" I called loudly, "You remember Danielle?"

"Mary Beth, we are right here. No need to shout. And yes, I remember all your friends, honey. Danielle, good to see you again. Are your parents here? I'd love to meet them."

"Oh, they'll be here soon," Danielle answered with a shrug as she looked towards the parking lot.

I felt bad for her - her family had money, so she didn't lack for much, but her parents were very absent. I knew her mom would show at least, but her dad was most likely away on business.

"Mama, Danielle and I want to hang at her house after the ceremony."

Mama rubbed her small belly. "That's fine. But be home for supper. Your Pa's got another graveyard shift and I need your help around the house."

"Thanks, Mrs. Porter!" Danielle linked her arm through mine and pulled me after her. "C'mon, let's graduate already!"

_________

"So, is like, something happening between you two or what?" Danielle asked as she dipped a french fry in her shake and I bit into my Big Mac.

I wrinkled my nose. "I dunno. And that's gross. Here -" I threw a ketchup packet at her. "This is for fries."

She giggled. "Don't evade the question!" She flopped down on her light pink shag carpet and grabbed a Seventeen magazine. "Ugh, Liv Tyler is so drop dead - Hey!" she poked at the magazine with her index finger. "Look! It says, Your Crush: How to make the first move. Perfect!" she said with a shimmy of her shoulders.

I rolled my eyes and stole a fry. "Can we please talk about something else?"

"No. It's not like we can talk about mine since my douchebag of a boyfriend dumped me right before finals. Who does that?!" She dramatically flipped the pages. "Anyway, something is totally going to happen. You're both legal now." She wiggled her tongue between her fingers suggestively.

I rolled my eyes again and returned my attention to my food. "You're so gross."

"You won't think it's gross when it finally happens. Don't you want to lose your virginity to Eric? He's the love of your life, right?"

Her tone was sarcastic, which made me cautious, but I didn't have anyone else to confide in. I watched Danielle's eager expression with hesitation but then blurted out, "I think I'll wait till I get married."

"Yeah?" was all she answered as she returned her attention to the magazine pages.

"Yeah, I... uh... well, I don't want to be a plucked flower."

She glanced up at me then. "What the hell does that mean?"

I bit my lip and tried to remember everything I learned from bible study last Wednesday. "Uh... well, it's like a girl is a flower, and every time she has... well, you know... a petal is plucked off." I shrugged, "So when you get married you don't have any petals left for your husband."

Why did it sound so terrible when I repeated it?

Danielle rolled her eyes. "You know, you've gotten churchier since you started going with your mom to those Wednesday nights again."

I had successfully avoided bible study for a whole six months while Mama wasn't feeling well, but since that night I had found her curled up in bed she had insisted we start up again. Since there were a few young women around my age in the group, the study leader had talked about abstinence last week. Mama had even stood up to share her testimony on how the Lord saved her from a slippery slope of sin by bringing Pa into her life. The women had all nodded their heads, and looked with pity at me - the poor child born out of wedlock who was so blessed to be raised by a man of God. I knew because they said so after the meeting. Didn't matter to them that Pa hated to step foot in church on Sunday mornings, or that he drank himself into oblivion every chance he got.

Danielle snapped her fingers in front of my face. "Hello, earth to Beth!"

I looked at my friend and recalled the bible study leader's words from last Wednesday... every one of you knows someone who needs God in their lives. What are you doing with your gifts, with your talents, to further the kingdom of heaven? Are you living for the glory of God, or are you standing idly by while your friends and loved ones continue their path towards hell? Are you the reason someone you love is missing the promise of eternal salvation?

I buried my face in my hands. Why was everything so damn confusing?

_________

The first time I noticed Eric - really noticed him - was the summer of 1990, when I first started noticing boys. I was never boy crazy; my head was always in the clouds too much to be consumed like my peers. But I got those first flutters of butterfly wings one summer afternoon while we were lazily taking in the day by the creek. I was twelve years old and had just realized there was something fascinating about the opposite sex. Eric was absent-mindedly chewing on a dry stem of grass while intermittently entertaining me with stories of his older sister and her adventures abroad.

A breeze ran over our cheeks and tousled our hair. It was a perfectly beautiful day. But suddenly the clear blue sky, the lush green of the swaying trees, the red of the robin perched on the branch above - it all paled compared to his eyes. Something changed as I gazed at him. He had asked a question, and I had stared at him dumbfounded - had he always had such long eyelashes? Did those specks of amber exist before today? That summer I fell deeply and utterly into their golden flame.

And I've been burning ever since.

_________

"What did you tell your mom?"

I looked over at Eric, wanting to pinch myself that he was here after a month of not seeing him.

"That they called me in at the last minute for a shift," I answered as I settled deeper into the cracked leather seat of his truck.

Eric's brows came together in a frown as he steered his rumbly blue pickup. "Sucks you can't tell her you're with me. Not only are you eighteen for god's sake, but... I mean, after us growing up together as we have, you would think she would trust us." He squeezed my knee with his wide grin, trying to lighten the mood.

My hand steeled to his with a powerful grip and pushed it away before I realized what I was doing.

He looked over at me with concern as his hand darted back on the steering wheel.. "Sorry, Beth, I didn't mean... "

I blushed a deep crimson, confused by my actions. I wanted Eric to touch me. God, I wanted nothing more than to feel his hands all over my body. "Uh, sorry," I answered. I cleared my throat and forced a chuckle. "So, about my mom... well... you know she thinks boys have a one-track mind. Better if she doesn't know we're spending time alone together."

Eric shook his head with contempt, clearly disagreeing with this sentiment.

Butterflies rose in my stomach as the words left my mouth before I could stop them. "You tellin' me you don't have a one-track mind, Eric Harriot? You ain't been making out with Amy Shaw every Saturday after you tutor her at the library?"

His mouth fell open and then quickly shut again as he glanced at me with surprise. He didn't speak for a moment, and I mentally kicked myself for making it awkward.

I could tell I surprised him with this knowledge, but that just told me he didn't know how much the senior class at Willits High still buzzed about their distant king. How much of his life still saturated their conversations, especially among the girls. Amy, who was not only gorgeous but smart, had come into some money at eighteen. The lucky girl had a trust she hadn't known about from her deceased grandparents. So, her chip on her shoulder grew bigger along with her perm - and her bright blue eyes landed on now graduated Eric. She and I had second-period math together, so I knew she was acing it, but the rumor that she was being tutored for algebra was true.

I couldn't blame him. Amy, with her beautiful curly auburn hair, long legs, and full mouth, was every young man's fantasy.

What I wouldn't give to be Amy Shaw on a Saturday night. I squeezed my thighs together at the thought.

Finally, he gave me a lopsided grin. "You deep in thought over there?" He pinched my arm with a laugh.

Lost in my not-so-innocent thoughts, I refused to keep our usual banter and looked out the window instead.

He turned the radio on with another hesitant look in my direction.

Oasis' Wonderwall filled the cabin of the truck. He turned the volume up and bit his thumb as his arm rested on the open window.

Because maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all

You're my wonderwall

I sang along to the lyrics in my head as I leaned back and closed my eyes, trying to keep the empty echo of my heart from tearing me in two.

I love you, Eric Harriot. And I wish I could tell you.

My hand weaved up and down in the wind of the open window as bugs splattered violently on the front windshield.

I don't believe anyone feels the way I do about you now...

The lyrics rang out as I stole a glance at him.

Cause maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me...

My heart hurt with the feelings that swelled along with the lyrics. Looking at his long lashes and deep brown eyes, I swallowed hard as I let my gaze drift... from his eyes... to his jaw - down his adam's apple - to the collar of his plaid shirt - to his developed biceps as his arms firmly gripped the steering wheel.

With a frustrated sigh, I realized that as much as I marveled at how perfect he looked, I felt even stronger that there could be more between us than physical attraction. I knew that his heart beat to the same rhythm as my own. That he alone could understand me - if he tried.

"This will do." His statement infiltrated my thoughts. I looked around to see we were off the coastal road, in a wooded area - one I did not know.

We sat in awkward silence for a moment before he jumped out of the truck, leaving it idling, and came over to the passenger side.

"Ok, Porter, you're up."

I didn't comprehend what he meant at first. Then I realized he meant for me to drive. I viewed the dirt road before us with trepidation.

"It's fine, I promise." He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the passenger seat. He placed his hands gently on either side of my face and looked solemnly into my eyes. "This is my Uncle's property. We're safe. I will always take care of you, you know that, right?"

I nodded in response, fearing the oncoming driving lesson. His warm hands as they touched my cheeks put me in a daze and made me shiver involuntarily.

"Cold?" he asked as he reached over my shoulder into the back seat of his pickup. With a smirk, he pushed the sweatshirt into my arms. "Ok, enough stalling. Get your ass into the driver's seat!"

The next hour I drove that pickup within an inch of its life. Eric made me drive with one foot on the brake and my other foot on the gas, so I didn't drive us off the side of the road into the lush foliage or into a ditch.

When I finally relaxed enough to use my right foot back and forth between the gas and brake as needed, I heard him breathe a sigh of relief.

After half an hour of practice, he suddenly laughed light-heartedly and brushed my wayward strands of hair out of my eyes as the breeze picked up. "You're doing great, Beth. Ready to take her on the highway?"

I slammed my foot on the brake as we approached a stop sign. A semi flew right before us, curving its way along the tree lined road.

"Where are we?" I asked, my eyes wearily glued to the road ahead, wanting so badly to turn the truck off and not drive on this speedway of death.

"It's Highway 20 - same that goes through town. If we take a right we're headed home." He looked out the window for a moment and then grinned. "But I have an idea." He hopped out and threw open the driver's side door. "Get out. I'm driving," he announced abruptly, the much loved twinkle in his deep brown eyes causing my cheeks to dimple.

I raised an eyebrow as I willingly turned off the truck and hopped out. "And where are you taking me, Eric Harriot? I gotta be home by sundown."

He shook his head and brushed past me to get in the driver's seat. "Beth, for god's sake, stop being so stubborn and get in. You'll love it, I promise."

__________

My heart threatened to burst as I looked with awe at the vastness of the rocky coast of Fort Bragg. But it wasn't just the view of the ocean that caused the hammering in my chest.

It had happened without precedent. One moment his pickup was stopping in the empty parking lot, the next we were hurtling towards the rocky shoreline, laughing like the children we once were. Breathless, we stopped at the edge of the cliff.

It was then that he grasped my hand. Not absently, but with intention. His thumb pressed and circled along the side of my palm. I wanted to look at him - to determine the meaning of this intimate and unforeseen gesture, but I didn't dare.

Instead, I closed my eyes and listened to the overwhelming sound of the crashing waves, and felt the sensation of his hand embracing mine.

_______

After that day with Eric in Fort Bragg, everything was brighter. It's as if God had finally turned on the lights. I didn't even mind as much when things at home were bad. I had ascended to another realm where nothing could touch me.

And then...

He left.