I am in the mood...

To dissolve

Would anyone notice?

If I became one with the sky that ever changes...

Would they notice me watering their manicured lawns?

Their cornfields?

Their mountains and redwoods they honor like sacred shrines...

If I were a redwood, would I feel more loved?

- Beth, Diary Entry, April 26th, 1996.

"Girl, you've got it bad." Danielle smacked her gum as she pulled up her frizzy hair in front of the mirror. "You got a scrunchy I can borrow? All I have is my green one and it'll clash with my outfit."

"Sure." I rummaged in my backpack and handed her one, hopeful that she'd drop the subject of Eric.

"So, when are you going to see him again?" She tied up her hair in a high ponytail, pulled down two curly wisps to frame her face, and reapplied her lip gloss. "Here, you want some?" She offered as she held out the bright pink squeeze tube to me.

"Nah, I'm good."

"You are so pretty with zero makeup. I hate you," she smirked as she rolled her eyes. "But some mascara would bring out your blue eyes even more. When you turn eighteen, you'll have to tell your mom to go to hell and wear whatever you want."

I studied our faces in the mirror. My light freckled complexion next to Danielle's smooth olive tan made me look like a pink-tinged ghost.

"So?" she added after a pause.

"So, what?"

"So, when are you seeing him again?"

I shrugged. "Not sure. He said he'd teach me how to drive."

Danielle looked thoughtful for a moment. "Maybe you should just tell him how you feel. I mean, I'd never be able to do it. When I wanted to get with Kevin, I just made out with him. Message received loud and clear," she laughed.

Danielle and Kevin had been an item since eighth grade. They fought and made up all the time. Honestly, it gave me a headache watching their dynamic and made me wonder if I ever wanted a boyfriend.

The first bell rang as we exited the bathroom and made our way to class. Danielle draped her arm over my shoulder and interpreted my silence as sadness. "Hey, cheer up, we'll think of something."

"Hey, Danielle, still happy slumming it?" The question came from a cheerleader standing with her group of friends near the lockers. "They're all leeches, you know. That trailer trash stank is going to rub off on you. But you're used to that, aren't you, dike?"

"Grow the fuck up, Mandy!" Danielle shouted as we walked past them to our lockers.

The words stung as they always did, but I stoically ignored them. I hated that my best friend got mixed up in my drama with the Populars, as we had nicknamed them.

As I rotated the combination of my lock, I failed to notice the piece of paper protruding out from the bottom of my locker. As I opened the locker door, I watched with horror as dozens of papers flew out, fluttering around the hallway like pestilent birds.

Danielle stooped to pick one up, as a couple of other classmates did the same. "What the hell is this?!" She crumpled the paper into a ball after reading it and lunged at Mandy, who was snickering with the other Populars. "You ass wipe!" She yelled as she got in Mandy's face.

With a sigh, I knelt and picked one up myself to find a photocopied picture of myself with the words in sparkly blue gel pen...

Whore.

White trash slut.

I looked closer and realized it was a picture of me wearing Eric's jersey - the one time I did. I vaguely remembered someone from the yearbook team had snapped a picture of me that day. That was the day I, unfortunately, landed on Mandy's radar.

It was my first week as a freshman at Willits High. I was excited to be in public school after being homeschooled my entire life. It felt like a fresh start and was a welcome change. Mama preferred I continue homeschooling, but she consented when I pointed out that Eric was my one and only friend. In her mind, it was unhealthy for a developing young woman to have an equally developing young man as a friend. Course, there were a plethora of lectures and stipulations that came with the allowance. I had to agree to attend bible study every Wednesday night with her - an obligation I had been successful in avoiding for the past year. And I had to call her from school before getting on the bus home or to work. Pa, as usual, didn't care and drove me to the impressive brick building to enroll once Mama gave the green light.

Suddenly having days that were my own was utterly blissful - at first. I could focus on school and block out everything else, at least during the day. I didn't have any friends at the start, but I had Eric. And though he was a grade above me, we often had English and History together, as I continually tested above my grade level in those subjects.

However, I soon learned that high school would not be the experience I hoped for, nor would I stay invisible as I had hoped.

On that fateful day, I heard snickering behind me in the lunch line. I turned around and subsequently bumped my bright red tray into a petite blonde girl in a cheerleader outfit. A few equally petite girls in the same uniform stood behind her. And they were all sneering at me.

The petite blonde looked me up and down before peering at my tray. I blushed as I realized she was staring at my lunch pass. "So, the new girl is a welfare baby," she said matter-of-factly. The surrounding girls laughed in response. She narrowed her eyes as her gaze ran over me - from my dirty sneakers I had tried unsuccessfully to clean, to my unstyled hair tucked behind my ears. And I suddenly saw how I must seem to them - to all of them - tall, gangly, plain, with second-hand clothes - standing in the line for free lunches.

"My mom isn't on welfare," I barely managed.

"But you live in a trailer, don't you? I thought everyone that lived in a trailer was on welfare."

A brunette with perfectly side-swept bangs nodded her head enthusiastically. "Yeah, and your dad did time. Everyone knows it."

"My Pa... I mean, my dad, he's building a house. We won't be... he wasn't...." I stumbled over my words, growing increasingly agitated.

Then, as if everything was in excruciatingly slow motion, I watched as she smacked my tray upwards, causing the mac 'n' cheese and Pepsi to splash all over my clothes. With a loud clatter, the tray crashed to the cafeteria floor as all eyes in the lunchroom turned on me. I could feel my face turn beet red as I ran through the gauntlet of staring eyes to the hallway bathroom, tears streaming down my face.

Unfortunately, that was just the beginning of the worst day of my high school existence.

Eric searched for me all over campus after I didn't show up in History after lunch. He found me huddled by the bleachers - too afraid to go to class and too afraid to go home. He took one look at my ruined outfit and splotchy face and demanded to know what happened. After I wouldn't reveal the perpetrators, he dropped his backpack to the ground and took off his football jersey.

"Here, wear this for the rest of the day," he had said, pulling down the white t-shirt he wore underneath as he handed his jersey to me.

I hesitated. "Isn't... your girlfriend or whatever supposed to wear it? Won't she be mad?"

He had shrugged. "Mandy and I are over. I wasn't going to give it to her this week, anyway." He shoved it towards my chest. "Please, Beth, change your shirt. You smell like old cheese," He said with a grin. I couldn't help but laugh.

He had waited while I went back into the restroom to change and splash cold water on my face. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I couldn't believe I was wearing something that belonged to him, that smelled like him. If this was heaven, I didn't want to leave.

I gained a mortal enemy that day. Eric's girlfriend, or ex rather, was Mandy Hastings - the girl who had humiliated me in the cafeteria. As Mandy's friends alerted her that the new girl was wearing Eric's jersey, the rumors spread like wildfire across the small school.

Eric was handsome and admired by every girl at Willits High. It was unfathomable that some girl that lived in a trailer on the outskirts of town had his attention. I had his friendship only, but they didn't know that. They all believed that wearing his jersey meant more than it did. Mandy, with the help of her friends, had made it their duty to make my high school experience a living hell from then on.

A finger snapped in front of my face, dispersing the terrible memories.

"Earth to Beth! C'mon, don't let them get to you. They're jealous whores."

I blinked and saw Danielle had collected all the papers from the hallway. She dumped them in the nearest trash can before walking back and looping her arm through mine.

"So, the second bell just rang. Since we're going to be late anyway, I say we ditch and go see The Craft," she offered hopefully with a wicked grin.

I hesitated. "I can't, you know that. My mom will... "

"What?" she cut me off. "Ground you? Be more strict than she already is? She won't find out! We'll be done in time for you to go to work, and I'll drop you off! Just call her and check in from there. No one will be the wiser! Besides, we have a sub today, Mrs. Elliott." Danielle rolled her eyes and dramatically examined her nails. "She'll probably put on Groundhog Day and file her nails all class." With a wink, she pushed me towards the side exit.

I bit my lip as my resolve wavered. I had never skipped class before. But Danielle was right - I could check in from work and no one would be the wiser. The movie trailer on TV I had seen when no one was around to change the channel had transfixed me. The temptation was too much, so I gave in. "You're a bad influence, you know that?" I finally answered.

"I'm good for you is what I am."

I shushed her as we grinned and made our way to freedom.

____

"Porter! Where have you been?!"

The movie was longer than expected and I was ten minutes late to work. A first for me.

"Sorry, Gary, it won't happen again." I felt terrible, and it came across in my tone.

"One pass, Porter. You're my best employee. I count on you to set an example." He sidled up next to me, his beer belly pressing against my backside.

I swallowed nervously and sidestepped away from my employee locker and simultaneously away from Gary. Placing my apron over my head, I scurried out of the employee break room with a promise to never be late again.

"There's a line at the ice-cream counter. See to that first!" he called after me.

Two hours into my shift, I could finally take a break and call home to check in. I was sick to my stomach at the knowledge that Mama was most likely fuming that I hadn't called yet. I'd hear no end of it when she picked me up after my shift later.

I had two options to make the call - use the phone in Gary's office, thus risking an unnecessary run-in with him, or use the payphone at the corner of Main Street. I dug around the bottom of my backpack till I found a quarter amongst discarded gum wrappers and notes.

At the payphone at the corner, I pushed my lone quarter into the slot; I took a deep breath and prepared for the worse. The phone rang only once.

"Hello? Porter residence."

I smiled at how politely Johnny answered the phone, just like Mama taught him.

"Hey, Johnny, put Mama on."

There was a crunch sound in my ear. "Can't."

"What do you mean, 'can't?'" I asked nervously. "Where is she?"

"In her room," Johnny answered distractedly.

Little alarm bells went off in my head. "Has she... been up? She's just resting after dinner, right?"

"Nah. She didn't come out when I got home from school."

I bit my lip and thought over the possibilities of what Mama could be doing. "Ok, have you knocked on her door? I need to know if she's coming to pick me up after work."

More crunching is all I got as a response.

"Johnny," I asked impatiently, "what are you doing right now?"

"Watching TV."

"Ok, it better be reruns of Bonanza and nothing else. Did you fix yourself dinner?"

"Yep."

"Let me guess, Lucky Charms?"

"Yep."

I couldn't help but chuckle, knowing if Johnny had it his way, he'd eat Lucky Charms for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

"Ok, well, make sure you do your homework. And go to bed by eight at the latest."  

"You're not my mom," he answered stubbornly.

I sighed, knowing this conversation was a lost cause. "Fine, just no TV besides Bonanza, got it?"

I got a noncommittal grunt as a response.

"See you when I get home." My break was over five minutes ago, and I needed to get back inside the store.

"Ok," he mumbled, and then hung up the phone.

At nine o'clock I helped close the store and waited at the corner for Mama to pick me up, but the minutes ticked by and there was no sign of our family's Chevy wagon. I picked at my cuticles and told myself she was probably just running late.

At nine-thirty Gary locked the front door and spotted me waiting at the corner.

"Porter, you need a ride?" He called from the parking lot.

"Ummm...." I hesitated. I had no more quarters to call home. "Can I just use your phone in the office real quick?"

He followed my gaze to the darkened store. "I already closed up. Don't you live in the Mount View area?" He unlocked his car and tapped the hood. "Get in. It's on my way home."

With one last furtive glance at the empty road, I hopped in the passenger seat of Gary's car.