I couldn't sleep.

I turn to Paige who was already deep into dreamland and wonder how she does it. How does she handle everything so perfectly?

Whatever life threw at her, she'd face it without losing the glamour that seemed to cling around her all the time. She was just always...glowing. I would not have gotten this far without her, and I should let her know that more often. I watch her sleep before deciding to get up from the bed and go downstairs.

Since I couldn't sleep, might as well write.

I make my way downstairs, my laptop clutched against me, and decide to make coffee. It was almost morning. I have been tossing and turning in bed for almost 3 hours now. I shake my head and turn the coffee maker on and watch as the coffee slowly drips into my coffee.

Even when I do not want to, the memories come back and this time, I allow them to.

[tw // abuse - if you are uncomfortable reading stuff like these, you can skip it until the dash line that I will provide which will look like this --- ]

It had happened years ago and it had been something I swept under the rug. Only the closest of my friends knew about it. Even my parents had no clue as to what exactly happened and why I broke off my engagement with my then, boyfriend. They didn't know how much of it I had hidden from them.

I wasn't even going to tell Paige...but, Paige being herself. She was sure to find out sooner or later about that abuse that went inside that household. My physciatrist actually told me that victims of abuse, or people who had abusive partners would try to escape their situation 7-8 times before they become successful. Some will even take more.

It feels weird now, when I think about it. I was aware of how bad it had become. I was aware of how manipulative he was. How much gaslighting there was. It took a toll on my health. My weight dropped. My mental health went down. I couldn't sleep without pills and yet I still believed he loved me. That he just needed time. He just needed... patience.

I was wrong, of course. I have always been wrong about him. There were so many red flags. So many strikes and yet I pushed through because I was convinced I could love him into becoming a better person all together. Then the cheating started. The lying. The manipulation. Worst of it all was the gaslighting. I almost didn't pass my classes then. I was trapped, and didn't seem to be figuring out how to escape.

I loved him. I know I did. I loved him enough. I loved him more than he deserved. But you can't change someone by loving them. You can't keep forgiving someone who does something again and again. It's not a mistake anymore. I knew that. Yet...I held on.

It was the first and last time he ever got violent- physically. I didn't know what I had done to deserve such hate, but despite not knowing he had me convinced I was wrong. That's when you know you are in deep with the gaslighting. You do not even need a reason why you are wrong, you're just convinced that you are.

--------

It took me years, months, therapy and a whole lot of spending (for vacations me and Paige had gone on) to piece myself back up. It's easy to lose yourself in a relationship when you start dedicating your life to changing someone who didn't want to change, instead of trying to build yourself up. As a victim of gaslighting and verbal abuse, one thing that was really beaten out of me was my self confidence.

I was so lucky to have Paige. Who looked at me, saw me as the mess I was, and still saw me. I woke up in the hospital with her sleeping beside me and holding my hand. She woke up, looked at me and said 'I love you. I love you, Danielle. Let's leave this place, huh? Let's go." and she just burst out crying.

That was the last time I saw her scared and crying, and it wasn't even for herself. But for me. I was so afraid of facing my then ex that Paige had to get my things from our apartment herself. She took full control and allowed me to process everything in my own time.

We finished law school and took the bar. Just like that, everything seemed so far away. Like it had just been a glitch in the system. A glitch in my fairytale.

I don't realize I'm crying until I taste the tears as they run down my cheeks. I quickly wipe them away and take the cup under the coffee maker. The smell was good. I loved the smell of coffee. It made me feel...safe. I bring it over to the desk I had situated near the window. It was a great place to write. I could see the sky turn into pretty colors from where I sat. I open my laptop and read my emails first before opening the draft for the book I was writing.

After a few hours, I stretch in my chair, satisfied with the number of words I had added. The sky had just begun to light up when I hear Paige coming down from the bedroom.

"Good morning," she mumbles as she drags herself to the coffee maker. I get up and run towards her, hugging her from behind as she fumbles with the buttons.

"Good morning," I say against her back and lay my head on it. "Thank you for always being there for me. I don't think I say that enough. Do you want to go out for breakfast? My treat!!"

"Oh wow, what's gotten into you?" she looks towards me with her eyebrows raised. "Although I am not one to reject a free meal. Do you wanna try that new pancake place a few blocks from here?"

"Anywhere you want to go," I say before helping her with the coffee maker. She hugs me and walks over to our counter and flops herself on one of the stools. I hand her her coffee and she gives me a smile.

"Thank you~" she takes a loud sip, sighs and then looks at me again. "Did you sleep last night?"

Seriously, how does she do it?

I shake my head at her. "I couldn't."

"Are you still going to break up with him? You came home late last night... so no break up se-"

I stop her before she could finish her sentence, not wanting to think or talk about that  so early in the morning. I could already feel the flush on my cheeks. I see her smile behind her cup, raising her eyebrows.

"We didn't", I defend myself, looking away and she lets out a small laugh.

" I'm glad. I have never seen you this happily in love since-," she pauses, shakes her head," You know what, that didn't even count. I have never seen you in love like this before."

I roll my eyes at her and look at the clock. "We should get going, you have an art show at 10am." And as if she had just remembered, her eyes grow wide in shock, drinking the coffee in one go.

"I'll take a shower first," she says running towards the bathroom. She closes the door behind her as I help myself to another cup of coffee. Minutes later, she calls from the bathroom.

"Daniiiiii"

I look around and find her towel draped near the window. I shake my head and take it to her. Giving a small knock on the bathroom she opens the door and grabs it from me.

"Thank you, I love you."

--

A few minutes later, we find ourselves eating waffles, pancakes, and a piece of cheesecake (to share) at the new cafe. I watch as Paige takes pictures of the food (and herself) with amusement. She then turns the camera over to me.

"Smile! We haven't had a date like this in years!" she says, I roll my eyes but smile all the same. My smile doesn't stay long on my lips because at the corner I could see my ex standing and looking at us. I stilled myself. Paige must have noticed my reaction as she turned her head to where I was looking.

She stood up.

"Paige," I try to call her. To stop her. Ryan was a dangerous man and I didn't know what I would do if he did anything to Paige. To my relief, he bolts as soon as Paige makes it to the edge of the sidewalk, before the crossing. I steady myself, practice my breathing when my phone suddenly rings.

I do not have the heart to look at who's calling. I watch Paige cross the street before standing up, grabbing my phone, and mumbling a few excuses to the waiter and telling him we will be back. I try to catch up to Paige, who was walking so fast. When I finally catch up to her, I grab her by the arm, as I tried to catch my breath.

"Paige, don't go after him like this you know how dangerous he can be," I try to tell her, she looks at me like I was in for a scolding.

"There is no way I am allowing him stalking you," she explains, worry and anger in her voice. "In broad daylight Dani! What would have happened if I was not with you?"

I didn't want to know.

I shake my head at her, forcing her to come back to the cafe with me. Even though I had totally lost my appetite I was not going to let him ruin our date. Or this day for that matter.

"Come on, we still have an art show to go to," I tell her as she lets herself be dragged by me. She occasionally glances behind us and I am silently thankful for it. I also didn't want my ex stalking me.

"I'm going to call the cops the next time I see him within a block from where we are," she says before looking at my phone who had not stopped ringing.

"Who is it?" she asks which prompted me to finally look at the caller ID. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding when I see Lee's name flashing on the screen.

I press answer.

"Hello?"

"What time was Paige's Art Show again?" he asks and I am actually surprised before remembering I had told him about it last night.

"At 10."

"Okay, I'll see you there!"

"What? Lee-"

He hung up before I could even say anything. Paige was already looking at me with eyes that said 'what did he want come on tell me'.

"He said he was going to come to the art show?" I smile sheepishly at her, waiting for a reaction.

"Good, so Luke won't be so lonely," she replies, taking a bite of the cheesecake. "I wonder if they'll dress up as someone or come as they are-- if they do come as they are, the crowd that will bring! But I still would rather they come slightly disguised, I do not want people to go to my show for them and not for my art."

"That's true, and you invited Luke?" I raise an eyebrow at her but she doesn't answer. Only rolls her eyes at me like she doesn't have to explain herself. I smile before I start eating my waffles.

———

We get to the art show 15 minutes before it starts. Paige doesn't even have time to help me find a seat or table as she was ushered away from me the moment we stepped into the event place.

I look for an empty seat and remove my bag, making sure I was close enough to the stage to get pictures of Paige and far enough in case Luke and Lee decide not to cause a scene. I check my phone, expecting Lee to at least send a text before coming here.

He hasn't and I put my phone in my pocket, walking over to where they were serving finger food and refreshments.

Lee and Luke where nowhere to be found when the show began. Paige changed into a small black dress that clung to her figure beautifully. I watch her from the table, chewing on some blueberry tarts.

I take pictures of her, trying to find the best angles as she delivered her speech. A message pops up on my screen and it's Lee.

There are so many people!! Paige must be really amazing!!"

I glance around the venue, hoping to find Lee sticking out like a sore thumb in the crowd but couldn't. He was right. It was jam packed. I text him back.

I am near the stage. Left side from the entrance. Near the refreshments.

I wait for him, glancing around the venue again in case Luke was also already here and didn't know where to go. My eyes fall on a man a few steps away from the entrance. He looked out of place with a hoodie, a mask and sunglasses on.

At first I think it's Lee or Luke but somehow it just didn't feel like them.

I almost jump when I feel a hand snake its way around my waist.

"Sorry, it's just me." Lee whispers behind me and I breathe out a sigh of relief. He places a kiss on the top of my head and I look at him. He was wearing casual business attire, only with a mask and a cap. He still looked out of place. At least the paparazzi's weren't swarming around.

I look back at the man near the door and find him gone. Something inside me gives off a warning and I try hard not to show my fear.

He wouldn't dare follow us here, would he? Not here. It's too public.

"What's wrong?" Lee whispers, turning me around to face him. "You're shaking."

"I-" before I could answer, a commotion started. Glass shattered and I whirl around to see someone being tackled on the ground by... Luke?

Some of the guests run towards the exit. The others stay to watch what was going on. That is until they saw the gun.

A woman screams and for a moment I freeze. I watch as Paige gets dragged off the stage by security. She sees me. Our eyes meet before they disappear backstage. I watch in horror as Luke tries to wrestle the gun away from the attacker.

I move but Lee is faster. He ushers everyone towards the exit, away from the man with the gun. Away from Luke. The security guards don't know what to do. They seem lost.

The man's face is revealed and I feel my heart plummet to the ground.

"Ma'am we have to go," a security man grabs my hand and ushers me out. I fight him off, walking towards Luke. Lee does not see me. He doesn't see my ex. Or his friend who was wrestling to take the gun away from my ex.

"Stop," I say. My voice is weak. The world spins. Was he going to kill Paige? Was he going to shoot her? Me?

"Stop it," I say again and he sees me. Looks at me from across the room. I feel fear crawling it's way back up. Wrapping itself around my throat.

In this moment of distraction, Luka manages to smash his hand on the ground. I hear a bone crack. Luke takes the gun away from him and steps away.

I look at Luke. He seemed to have taken a punch. There was a cut on his lip.

Ryan stands up. No- kneels. He kneels in front of me. I realize I am crying.

"Dani," he starts. "Dani, please. I can't live without you. If I can't have you. No one can. Can't you see? Paige had always been between us. Always taking you away from me. She- She needs to go. Dani-"

"Stop." I say again. He doesn't stop. Instead, he starts crying. I can hear Paige screaming to be let go. She needed to come here. She had to protect me.

I suck in a breath.

"Please, Ryan. Stop. Leave me alone. Leave us alone. Paige was never the problem. She never came in between us. Stop all this nonsense and just... just get some help, huh?"

I try to soothe him. Try to calm him down. I know he wasn't in the right mind and even if he no longer had a gun- he was still dangerous.

I take a step towards him.

"You'll help me, right? You will be with me and help me become better?"

I find myself nodding at him as I kneel down so that we were leveled.

"Yeah, why don't we go now, huh? let's go get help."

He eyes the people around us. Mostly they were just security, not moving because they didn't want to aggravate him.

"These people... they won't take you away from me, right?"

I shake my head at him. Reassuring him that no one would take me away. I reach out for him, my eyes catching the sharp point of a knife a little too late.

He lunges forward. I freeze. Was he going to kill me? In that exact moment, an arm wraps around me and pulls me backward. The knife makes contact but doesn't go deep as people flock to get my ex under control.

I stumble into someone. I hear him hiss in pain as the knife slices through his sleeve.

"You're okay." He whispers against the top of my head. "You're okay, Dani."

I cry harder.