I was fumbling around cleaning the kitchen up when Ezra came in. I just needed to do something to stay busy.

"JD has Jess. He wanted to spend some time with her. Anna went upstairs and is sleeping in Jessa's room with the baby." Ezra informed me. I had a suspicion that JD only took Jessa so Ezra and I could have some time together, I wasn't going to tell Ezra that.

"Oh." I said timidly. I was fumbling around, shifting things on the counter to avoid looking into his eyes.

"Riley, we need to talk about what happened." Ezra blurted out.

"Ezra, I want to..." I started to say and then paused when his phone buzzed in his hand.

Ezra was looking down at his phone like he was torn. He must have turned the ringer off, but I heard the constant buzzing of his phone being blown up. I knew who was calling him because I would be doing the same thing if I were in her shoes. I didn't blame her for worrying. We had given her every reason to.

He looked at the phone and his face filled with stress. The weight of everything pressed in on him, threatening to tear him apart. I didn't want him to feel this way. I didn't want all of this to stress his sobriety. I had to be the bigger person here for him.

"Hey, Ezra." I said and he looked up at me. He looked like he was searching for answers I couldn't give him. "You should probably go home to Jenna. She is worried about you. Jess and I will be fine. You should go talk to your fiancé."

"Ry, I'm not sure what I am doing. I don't know what to do." He said, pushing his hair back off his face. Little stress lines had creased the corners of his eyes and it broke my heart to see him like this. I knew I was the reason for his problems and I felt horrible about pushing him into something he might have not really wanted in the first place.

"You don't owe me anything. This was my fault. I started it when I kissed you. I never meant for this to happen. I am sorry I made this mess for you." I walked over to him and placed my hand in his and looked up at him.

"It wasn't just you. I kissed you back."

"I'm really sorry I messed everything up and made it uncomfortable between us again."

"Why do you keep apologizing?" He asked, confused. "I'm the one who couldn't keep my hands to myself. I can never stop myself when I am around you, even when I know I'm not what you need. I'm always on the edge of saying or doing something stupid to you that will ruin what we are trying to build for Jessa."

"I want you to be in Jessa's life. In whatever way you want to be. That will never change." I said, staring into his brilliant blue eyes.

"What about yours?" He knocked the breath from me, sending my head spinning. I wanted him and didn't want to let him go.

He rubbed his fingers over mine and watched our hands connected together. I traced his finger with mine and wanted to lean in to kiss him, but I knew now was not the time. I knew what I wanted, but I needed him to decide what he wanted out of this for himself. I had made my decision a long time ago; he was it for me. I would follow him for the rest of my life without hesitation. He needed to figure out if this was just the stirrings of old unresolved feelings creeping back in or if he truly felt the same. Either way, this was not a decision I could make for him. He had to be the one to work out what he was feeling inside.

"I think you should go talk to Jenna. You need time to process everything. I want you to know I won't keep Jessa away from you no matter what happens. I've hurt you enough by keeping her a secret and would never do that to you again. We have gone through a lot of stuff in the past and I want to start fresh for real this time."

"You're right. I am going to talk to Jenna." He said, pulling me into his arms and wrapping himself around me. The warmness of his body filled me in ways I never knew was possible. I didn't really want him to go and he didn't seem to want to let me go either. I wanted to linger against him but knew deep down I would have to be the one to pull away. "I wish this wasn't so complicated, Riley."

I took a deep breath and moved away from him before smiling at him. "Call me anytime you want to see her or talk to her."

"I'll call you once I talk to Jenna." He squeezed my hand and pulled his away from mine, leaving it cold and empty. I watched him as he walked towards the living room and bent down to kiss Jessa. JD patted his arm and nodded at him. He turned without looking at me and left the house.

I looked back at JD, who was staring at me with sympathy in his eyes. He looked like he had a lot to say to me but knew now wasn't the right time. I walked into the living room and sat next to him, laying my head on his shoulder. He ruffled my hair and I silently cried for my Dad and the dark-haired man who had stolen my heart.

The next few days passed in a blur. I had called Jules the next day and he excused me from work until I was ready to come back. He was going to have Rachel manage while I was out. I wanted things to get back to normal, but everything was moving so fast, I needed the time to catch my breath.

Ezra text me often asking about Jessa. I sent him a few pictures of her and an update on how she was doing. She had been asking about her Papa and her Daddy for the last few days and I didn't even know what to tell her. Baby Kurt was a distraction for her, which helped some. She would reach out her little arms and demand to hold him. She was so bossy.

Ezra didn't mention anything about what happened when he talked with Jenna. I began to suspect that he had decided that we shouldn't have any kind of relationship unless it was about Jessa. He seemed really happy with Jenna even though she had tried to drive a wedge between us. I wished he would just come out and tell me he was going to choose to stay with her. I was tired of the constant turning in the pit of my stomach every time his name flashed across my phone screen. I knew I was a complication his sobriety didn't need. I was afraid if I pushed him, he would start using again.

The melancholy over losing him again was overtaking me. The only difference this time around was I never really had him in the first place.

I spent a lot of time at home with my Mom and Anna, helping to get the funeral arrangements made. The service was going to be on Wednesday, so there wasn't much time to pull everything together.

Aiden came by after work every day and helped with Jessa and Kurt while the rest of us cleaned and prepped. We were going to have the wake back at the house after the services on Wednesday. My Mom threw herself headfirst into scrubbing everything. We went along with it until she mentioned pulling out the fridge to scrub behind it.

"Mom, no one will pull out the fridge on Wednesday. I think it is fine." JD said, trying to coax her back down to reality. She insisted that there would be a smell if it wasn't thoroughly cleaned. Aiden and JD moved the fridge out enough so I could climb on the counter and slide in behind it. I scrubbed at the walls and back of the fridge for two straight hours until my arms felt like rubber.

Jessa would walk into the kitchen and laugh at me. She thought I was playing hide and seek with her. I would duck down behind the counter and pop back up until she was rolling on the floor, cackling with laughter. She was the only thing that kept my spirits up. She was the reason I had not let go.

When the backside of the fridge was shiny and sparkling, I called for Aiden to come help me out. He helped lift me up over the counter and slid me down to the floor.

"I should have left you back there." I smacked him on the shoulder playfully. Things had gotten back to normal between us; we were still best friends. I think JD was a little jealous since Aiden hung out with me now more than him. I could see JD occasionally give us sideways glances when Aiden would talk to me instead of him.

Aiden and I leaned against the front of the fridge and started trying to slide it back. Aiden's side moved more than mine, but we were eventually able to wiggle it back in place.

"Have you heard from Ezra?" He asked me when I leaned against the counter out of breath.

"He's sent a few texts to ask about Jessa." I said with my face falling slightly.

"Have you discussed what's going on between the two of you?"

"Not at all. I'm not exactly sure what he's thinking. I feel like he would have told me by now if he wanted to be with me." I pulled my arms across myself as a shield. I had been trying to put on a brave face, but I was in agony over the possibility of Ezra deciding he didn't want anything to do with me.

"Riley, he would be nuts if he didn't want to be with you. You are beautiful, smart, compassionate, and the best damn Mom on the planet." Aiden said, looking into my eyes.

I teared up a little at Aiden's kind words. I did not deserve someone like him in my life. He always knew the right things to say when I needed them the most. I wish I could have loved him the way I loved Ezra. It would have been so easy for us. Unfortunately, I lost my heart to the dark-haired boy playing guitar in the basement years ago.

Aiden helped me finish scrubbing the kitchen floors until we were both out of breath and about to pass out. I wished I could stop now, but I had to go find something for Jessa and me to wear for the funeral. Anna was going to go with us, but she got a migraine and went to lay down. I felt bad for her. She seemed really distant, I knew she was wrapped up in her new little boy and her hormones were probably going crazy. I spent every night crying after I had Jessa and it took a long time to come out of it. I had my parents' support, but it never seemed like they could fill the hole Ezra left.

I got Jessa ready to head out and didn't even stop to look in the mirror before I left. I was tired and emotionally drained, so what if I had stains on my t-shirt and my hair looked like a rat's nest. I'm not even sure if I brushed my teeth today. I would just have to make sure I kept my distance so no one could smell me. The plan was to get in, buy something and get out. I would grab the first black dress I saw and that would be the end of it.

Of course, I would never get what I wanted. Nothing was ever easy for me.