do you ever feel

like utter and complete crap?

like you are the worst human being

to ever exist?

like everything in the world

was just your fault

despite feeling alone

despite aching from the pain

that you usually never talk about?

because that's how I felt

despite being in Jax's arms

despite him holding me

and rocking me back and forth.

I felt numb

yet I felt

all the pain

all at once.

the tears stopped falling

a while ago

and I was still

just sitting there

not knowing

what to do

what to think

what to say

nothing...

I didn't have any idea.

We sat there

for a long time

I don't know 

how long

but it was awhile

before we even moved.

I let Jax take me home

even though I didn't 

really want to face my mom

or my dad,

if they were even home.

I also let Jax

put his number

into my phone

and let him

put my number in his

when he found my number

in my contacts.

then,

I went inside

and immediately

went to my room

and onto my bed

where I fell asleep

because I was 

so 

tired

of

everything

so

tired

tired

tired 

and my eyes were burning

from crying so much

and I was glad 

to finally sleep.

maybe this time

I won't have nightmares

maybe this time

I won't wake up 

screaming

with my heart pounding

maybe this time 

will be different

maybe

maybe

maybe

I'll just sleep

sleep

sleep

sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

* * *

I woke up

with a start

feeling like I was 

falling

falling

falling

only to find myself

in bed

not falling

safe...

It was four in the morning

but I couldn't fall back asleep

and I had to be awake

in an hour anyway

to get ready for school.

ugh

the thought of school

made me want

to hide under my covers 

all

day

and never come out.

could I face school?

I don't know

if I would be strong enough to...

Then I remembered

that Jax would be there

and even Grace...

at least

I wouldn't be so alone

if they weren't lying

when they told me

they would be there for me...

It just felt 

too good to be true

for them to understand

to be there for me

to not be lying.

I kept having flashbacks

to when I opened up

to Presley

and Mary

after I told them

how I felt

alone

and that

my parents had changed

and how hard it was to move

they told me 

they would be there for me

that they weren't going anywhere...

and then

they threw it

in my face

they got me drunk

they took

a very

very

embarrassing video

and posted it

so that everyone in school

hated me

and went out of their way

to make fun of me

and talk about me

whenever I passed by.

In a way

I don't think

that Grace

and Jax

could do much worse.

the only thing

I was afraid of

was them leaving.

because if they left

if they stopped being there

I would be alone

alone with my thoughts

my doubts

my parents

and my sister

my sister who couldn't hear me

who couldn't respond

who would just lay there

until she woke up

if she woke up

as the doctors put it.

they said

that the brain damage

that she suffered

was severe

and that she might not wake up

and even if she did

the road 

to recovery

would be very difficult

especially because 

she was anorexic 

and cut herself

and was bulimic

and suicidal...

what if she didn't 

want to wake up?

what if that's why

she was still in a coma?

maybe

she 

wanted

to 

die...

thinking that

made my head hurt

so I tried not 

to let it repeat in my head

over

and

over

and

over

and

over

and

over

and

beep

beep

beep

beep

beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep

my alarm clock 

was blaring

because I forgot to turn it off

and for some reason

I couldn't get it 

to shut up...

I yanked the cord

out of the wall

sighing when it went silent...

This week

was the last week 

before exams started

which meant

that school would be out

in less than three weeks

which meant

that Daiha had been in a coma

for a couple of weeks now

which meant it was almost summer

which meant having nothing to do

which meant more time to think

think

think

I don't want to think

about anything

I tried not to think 

about anything

as I got ready.

I walked to school

blasting music

to drown out my thoughts

to drown out everything.

I didn't hear

the car stop next to me

or even beep

until I looked to my left

to find Grace 

rolling down her window

"Do you want a ride?"

she asked

and I found myself nodding

and getting in the car.

she was playing Christian music

and she had a cross

hanging from the rearview mirror

which made me feel uncomfortable

but it was better

than walking to school.

Then a song came on

and Grace said 

it was one of her favorites

and then she turned it up

and started singing along.

I felt uncomfortable

but when I started listening

to the lyrics

it made something in me

stir

and it made me breathe

faster

and 

faster

and my head

hurt

and why

was this happening?

why was I having a panic attack?

I couldn't breathe

why couldn't I breathe?

everything was spinning

spinning

spinning

spinning

make it stop

make it stop

stop

stop

please

stop...

"Delilah?

are you okay?"

all I managed to get out

was  a small

"no"

before I squeezed my eyes shut

and just listened to the song

until all I could hear

was the soothing voice

of the singer

and the words he was singing.