When I woke up

I couldn't remember 

where I was.

My heart started beating

faster

and 

faster

and it wasn't until

I saw Grace

sitting at the kitchen counter

did I remember 

where I was.

I let out a breath

that I didn't even know

I was holding,

and blinked a couple of times

because I was slightly dizzy.

"Good morning,"

Grace said

and I looked over at her

and gave her a small smile.

She said it was 8am,

and that she had church

at 9.

she invited me

to go with her

but I wasn't sure

if I wanted to go.

I mean,

if God was real,

wouldn't he try to help Daiha?

Wouldn't he

wake her up?

She deserved to be awake

to be alive

to live her life

the way she wanted.

I don't think 

I could handle

hearing about God

when he was doing nothing

for my sister

when he wouldn't 

wake

her

up.

I was about to decline

when I heard someone

from another room yell

"Grace,

don't force her

to go to church.

Have some boundaries"

and Grace let out a sigh

and then explained

that her mom

had died

when she was very little

so she didn't really 

remember her

very well,

but her dad

had just gotten remarried

right before the hurricane

and the guy

in the other room

was her step brother.

She said

it was hard to deal with him

because she was a Christian

and he pretty much

bashed Christianity.

I may not 

have believed in God

but 

that doesn't make 

bashing people's religions

okay.

I told her I was sorry

for everything

that had happened 

to her

and that it must've sucked.

She said she loved 

her step mom

but 

her step brother

was hard to get along with.

and then,

her step brother came out

and I stopped breathing

all together

because 

her step brother

had come out

and he stopped too

and then 

we were just staring at each other

because

it 

was

Jax.

Why

did I keep seeing him

everywhere?

I didn't understand it.

How could I keep seeing 

the same person

everywhere I went?

The possibility 

of such a thing

was so improbable

that I thought maybe

I really was crazy

if I wasn't already.

I had to blink

multiple times

before I realized 

that he was real

and that I was staring...

"Delilah,

meet Jax"

Grace said,

pursing her lips slightly

and I was speechless

and I felt so stupid 

because

how could one stupid guy

have this effect on me?

sure, 

he was there

for some of the panic attacks

that I always tried to hide

he was the only one

that really knew

that sometimes

I just couldn't handle anything

and couldn't breathe.

he

knew

and that fact

scared

me.

it scared the hell out of me.

"I believe 

we've met"

he said,

looking away first

before going into the kitchen.

"you know,

Grace,

you should ask

before giving my shirts

to people we barely know"

Jax said coldly,

and I looked down

the realization dawning

that it was his band t-shirt

I was wearing

and not Grace's.

I suddenly felt

extremely embarrassed

and wanted to sink

into the couch

and just disappear

altogether.

"Almost all of my shirts

were dirty"

Grace replied shortly,

before she turned to me.

"so, 

do you want to come to church

with me?"

I looked from her 

to Jax

multiple times

before I slowly shook my head.

"no thanks,

but maybe another time?"

I said,

and 

Jax told me 

it was a good choice.

I looked away

from the both of them

because Grace 

was glaring at Jax

and he was glaring back

and I didn't know what to do with myself.

I felt awkward,

especially

after Grace had to leave,

which left just Jax and I 

alone.

"I'm just going to get my stuff"

I said,

but then 

Jax stopped me.

He grabbed my arm

and turned me around.

"You can stay with me

if you want."

and he gave me this look

as if he knew

that I wasn't okay.

I closed my eyes

because staying 

most likely meant talking

meant him asking questions

and I wasn't sure

if I could muster the courage

to explain the panic attacks.

I didn't even know why they happened.

And I don't know 

if I could handle

explaining everything else

after telling Grace.

I already felt empty

and I just

I couldn't keep talking about it.

Then 

I was thinking about Daiha

and I needed to see her

I needed to see 

if anything had changed

if she was any better

I 

needed

to

see

her

so I shook Jax's grip of my arm

and told him 

that I couldn't 

that I had to see my sister

right 

away

right now

I needed to see her

I needed her

Daiha

Daiha

Daiha

and then

 I was frantically rushing

trying to find my clothes

to find my stuff

so I could run

to the hospital

if I even knew

how to get there

from here.

Grace had washed my clothes

and they were in her room

so I changed back into them

except the shirt

because it had gotten ruined

there were holes

and rips 

and I wasn't sure

how they got there

but I couldn't wear it

which meant keeping Jax's shirt.

As I was out the door,

though,

Jax stopped me

he told me to wait

and that he would give me a ride

and I let out a breath

because I was still thinking about Daiha

oh God

Daiha

and then I was panicking 

and I felt hot

and dizzy 

and my head started pounding

not again....

not now...

why did this always happen?

why did this happen in front of Jax?

He was going to think I was crazy

and then I was shaking

shaking

shaking

and I slid down the wall

in the hall 

outside the apartment door.

My ears were ringing

and I couldn't breathe

couldn't breathe

couldn't breathe

and then 

I felt someone's arms

around me 

wrapping me tight

and rocking me

and I still couldn't breathe

but I was crying

because Jax was holding me

he 

was 

holding

me

and I was clinging to him

for life

because 

I couldn't hold on anymore

I couldn't do this

I couldn't

Daiha

Daiha

Daiha.....

____________

A/N

attached is a picture of Grace!

comment what you think! I love reading what you guys have to say:)

xoxo,

Kim