I was gonna do

Harry Potter.

But then somebody suggested

That I do

THE AMAZING ASS HAT

No wait...

I mean the Amazing Spider Man

Close enough

So first of all

This movie is a piece of shit.

It was made

Because they had to make it

So that's why

It was a piece of shit

So his folks are all,

"Lol bye bitch"

And leave him

With his aunt and uncle

Who btw are little bitches

His parents die

Because that's the life

Of a super hero

So now we see

Peter Parker

As a dude

Who is just like any teenager

Yeah all that bullshit

Now I have to give it

To those writers

Or acting coaches

Who made Peter

STUMBLE OVER EVERY

GOD DAMN WORD

AND HAVE GIANT HAIR.

That's just Edward Cullen with a stutter

He likes this slut

I mean whore

I mean bitch

Who is super cute

And hot

They are semi friends

She friend zones him

A lot

And his uncle embarrasses

The shit out of Parker

And all this stuff

Until the uncle

Who looks a gazillion years old by now

Gets murdle-lurdled

That's "murdered" for those who

Can't comprehend

My language.

And Peter

gets all emo

His aunt is all,

"Wahh..."

So Peter

Gets some box

That explains his whole family history

Yes it's a simple box

Then there's a lot of research

Reaaaallly boring shit

You could fall asleep

And not miss anything

Until he gets to

This lab where

That bitch he likes works

And his dads BFF

Then the little shit Parker

Manages to find

The SPIDER ROOM!

Filled with crazy ass spiders

And he's perfectly calm

So I'm gonna skip over

The whole

Turn into a spider thing

Because really

EVERYONE KNOWS HOW IT WENT DOWN

Seriously this isn't new

So the villain is a giant lizard

Peter's dad's BFF

And he just starts trying to take

Down a bridge

But then SPIDEY COMES IN!

Without his mask!

HOLD THE FUCK UP

The whole thing

To Spider-Man

Is that no one

Knows its Peter Parker

So...

WHY THE FUCK

WOULDN'T HE WEAR HIS MASK?!

He spent several fucking days to get that shit done!

He saves people

But people still hate him

He saved a little kid

From drowning

And they say he

Is like the fucking anti-Christ.

I mean seriously...

What the hell is wrong with these people?

So Spidey goes on many adventures

Tried to beat up Le Lizard

Nope

Instead gets girl of his dreams

And her dad finds them

In her bedroom

SITTING ON THE FLOOR

FAR APART

FROM EACH OTHER

LIKE NOT EVEN TOUCHING

So her dad decides,

"Welp, they must've had sex"

Even though they were

Fully clothes and not sweaty.

Did I mention her dad is the

Leader of the I Hate Spider Man Club?

Alright now some reeeeaaaallly boring shit goes down

Peter just kinda hangs in the sewer

Because fuck you Aunt

Then he fights giant lizard

And that somehow

Ends up on the Empire State Building

So they are causing shit to go down

The bitch's dad shows

Thinking he can

Kill a mutated lizard

With a hand gun

And the lizard is just like,

"YOU ARE A PATHETIC WASTE OF SPACE YOU MISTAKE DIE DIE DIE!"

So the bitch's dad dies

For some reason Parker is upset

The guy tried to kill him

Several times

So the lizard dude is dead

The bitch sees her dad dead

Blames Peter

So movie ends

With Peter

Being the smooth dude he is

Makes up with Le biotch

And probably gets laid

But all in all

This movie sucked

It sucked so bad

The Avengers didn't even want him

This movie has been officially Broken Down