I feel very critical today so I am gonna try something. Hope this is funny. See this is a book where I explain your favorite movies MY WAY. And my way is pretty freaking funny. So you guys better like this shit because I'm doing it for you. So the movie I shall be breaking down today is The Avengers. Comment on which movie you want me to Break Down next! Hope you enjoy.

The Avengers

Probably one of the best fucking movies I have ever seen.

But there are some things

That bother me.

Like, how Odin is such a dick

and

How Loki is just suddenly alive and whatever.

Let me elaborate.

Samuel Jackson-I mean Director Nick Fury (aka badass pirate) decided that the world needs another weapon that has te potential to wipe out the Earth.

Let that sink in.

I'll wait.

Now we are introduced to his super hot assistant Maria Hill and Phil Coulson who only became the most loved character because he was a casualty.

Damn hipsters...

Anyway we are introduce to Clint Barton aka Hawkeye who shoots arrows and shit.

Becuase every movie now has to have some sort of freaking archery.

I mean god damn...

So all the sudden Loki the god of banging horses-I mean Mischief, just comes in like,

"LOKI'D"

And decides to kill SPECIALLY TRAINED SOLDIERS and take over people's bodies to be his sex slaves.

I mean slaves.

Anywho, this is the last you see of Hawkeye because he doesn't come back until the middle of the damn movie.

I mean guys, he got about 2 seconds of screen time.

Way to be assholes.

So for good measure Loki shoots Fury (who btw can pull a fucking BULLET from his chest) and proceeds to go into an epic car chase with Fury's totes hot assistant.

The building collapses due to tessarect energy

But fortunately Fury, Maria, and Coulson survive.

Because fuck all the other honest and good people down under.

Joss literally fucked everyone who was underground.

They probably had families.

Even a dog.

So with the tessarect gone and the whole base FUCKED IN THE ASS Fury comes up with the most brilliant idea in all of action hero history. (Cough cough Justice League cough cough)

THE AVENGERS.

BECAUSE F U DC.

So the team consists of six people.

A pervy drunk who has a shit load of money.

A dude who wasn't smart enough to just drop the bombs in the water and got frozen for eighty years.

Loki's brother who has been turned into a poptart-loving stupid ass incredibly hot Demi god by his fangirls

A man who is sweet cute kind caring smart and will beat the ever living CRAP out of you if you get him angry

The only girl who every guy who works for SHIELD wants to totally BANG but can't because she'll kill them

And then Hawkeye.

So when they get together

They all pretty much hate each other.

Especially Tony and Steve

If they had the chance they would beat the shit out of each other

But they don't because the fangirls just HAD to have the bromance...

Okay so a lot of boring shit happens

Like fighting and arguing and explaining shit (if you read the comics you'll probably understand half the crap they say)

And then they just beat Loki

Like he wasn't even a threat to begin with

Then PLOT TWIST

Loki planned all this shit

The Avengers have been LOKI'D once again

Don't they ever learn?

So crap happens (This is the point in the movie where Hawkeye kinda just scoots into the picture with the Avengers) and then guess what?

They decide that now is a good time to start shit

So the Avengers are spread across the fucking planet hating each other

(Accept Clint and Natasha who TOTALLY FONDUED according to the Old Man.)

But then they all realize they have to put their shit aside and help NYC

Seriously, why the fuck does everything happen there?

Like why not Vegas? That's a pretty popular city. Why not there? Or London?

So yeah.

Avengers beat the hell out of everyone.

Some people are like FUCK YEAH!

Others are being little shits and hating on the Avengers.

The people who saved their high standard asses

And then there are those (sensible) ones who are just like, "HOLY FUCK THERE ARE JUST SUPER BEINGS IN THE WORLD AND THE GOVERNMENT DIDN'T TELL US?! THAT IS FUCKED UP OR ANYTHING"

So the last scene is basically everyone driving away in their motorcycles, cabs, and fuckin sports cars.

And Loki wears a little bitch muzzle.

So in the end, I'd say the most important part of this movie was that everyone talked about it for a week, then completely forgot about it.

I mean like

What

The

Fuck.

This movie has been officially Broken Down.