Genre: Fantasy

Summary: Imagine a world where everyone can see your deepest thought by a screen they put on your head. Imagine a world where vampires, fairies, werewolves, elves, witches and demons exist. Imagine a world where one thought becomes reality even before becoming a proper thought. If you can, you can understand where I live.
My name is Christabelle Lennox and I'm your future. I live in a city called Euthopia, far away from every city you could know. We were an experiment, but we failed. We were supposed to become good slaves for supernatural creatures, but our founders fought for independence and chose to believe in our species, the Humans. After a long war lasted25 years, we made a deal with our enemies: they would leave us living, they wouldn't burn our city if we sent them 24 slaves every year, 6 for each of them. Slaves can't come back home, and have to be young. Considering we're less then 200 people, every family has sent them at least one member. Last year my brother Joshua had to leave, while my father Christopher had already left 10 years ago. Now it's only me and my mum who left. Our community helps us with money and never leave us alone when we are too tired or too sad, but it's not the same. at school we're only 10 girls and 5 boys. We're the last ones left, no one bother us, we live far away from our history, waiting for a girl who would revenge us being mated to all the leaders of the supernaturals, bringing peace between the species. She is supposed to choose amongst them her real mate. That's what we've been told since the beginning of our lives, that's what our parents told us before going to sleep in the cold Euthopian nights. These stories were fascinating, but I've never believed them. but now I know I should have listened to them more carefully. My name is Christabelle Lennox and I'm that girl.

+ Title

A bit too common. Maybe a little more of unique name would make it more attractive.

Rating: 6/10

+Cover

Still a bit too general. I would recommend that you change it.

Rating: 5.5/10

+Summary

Too long. You don’t need to add the part about her brother in the summary. It will be shown in the story.

A world where vampires, fairies, werewolves, elves, witches and demons exist.

A world where humans are the ones being dominated.

A world where a few selected humans are sent to work as slaves for the supernatural creatures.

A dystopia of the worst kind.

That is the kind of world I live in.

My name is Christabelle Lennox and I’m the future.

This will leave the audience with a little of intrigue. This is just an idea and you can and probably should add more things but the fact about how long the war was, her brother, slaves, etc should come within the story.

Rating: 5/10

+Plot

While I haven’t really seen this exact plot anywhere it had elements of a cliché plot. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you utilise it properly.

Rating: 6.5/10

+ Characters

To be honest your MC is on the way to becoming a Mary-sue. She reminds
me of Bella from Twilight—which is definitely not a good thing. No one
can read her thoughts and things like those. She is getting bullied now but if your summary is anything to go by she will be having seven people- creatures after her very soon.

Make her less of a Mary-Sue and give her more personality.

Her mother is kind of a two dimensional character. You say she is inconsiderate but you don’t exactly show it. Saying I hate you just doesn’t cut it. Maybe a few gestures (her eyes looked blankly past me at the wall, like it was more interesting than her own daughter) or something similar would set the mood.

The bullies in her class too are a bit two dimensional and are only there to move forward the plot. A little bit more depth would be appreciated.

Rating: 5.5/10

+Chapters

I think it would be good if you make the part where her brother leaves a Prolouge. I think the chapter is a bit fast paced in the way that
she is rambling.

It seems a little far-fetched that  a girl who was saying about how she hates her mother would just suddenly be so cozy with her. I mean your MC is awkward so she wouldn’t have warmed up so soon.

“I love you. I know what I have been doing is unforgivable. I shouldn’t have pushed you away or shut you out; there is no excuse for
me to do so. After losing your father and then your brother I just-“ She broke off and I was sure that the shock was being reflected on my face. What she did was horrible but not unforgivable.

“—you pushed me away so that if I leave it wouldn’t hurt as bad.” I finished her sentence, my voice quiet. She didn’t look at me but stared at the wall behind my head, her eyes full of unshed tears. It hit me at that moment that she was hurting to. Maybe I was being selfish. I missed my brother but so did she. What she did to me may have been wrong but it was an act of self-defence that she herself was
unaware of.

“Mum, I won’t be going away like them… not now.” I placed my hand on top of hrs as her gaze focused on me.

“You won’t leave me?” Her voice was quivering and I felt a pang of guilt at it. We both should’ve talked this out a long time ago instead of sitting atop our thrones of pride and anger while ignoring each
other.

“Of course I won’t.” I knew it was risky to promise something I myself wasn’t sure of but the weak smile that my mother gave me stopped me from being realistic.

And please, please avoid the clichés. Like in the second chapter when she sees the man you say about how she trust and things ike those. It would be great if you could add that she knew she should be running away and she wanted to but it felt ,ike her feet were glued to the ground. I mean she is sensible to know not to trust a stranger so you
should make the scene into a brain vs heart one.

There are also several grammatical mistakes that I would recommend you get an editor for (since everyone makes grammatical mistakes) and recheck your sentence structuring.

The story itself has the potential to be full of drama and hot romance. Develop your characters personalities a bit more and you will find yourself with a great story.

+ Conclusion

Not without potential.

+ Overall Rating

6/10