Jonas Brothers & Marshmello
Leave before you love me

"Dancing on the edge, about to take it too far. It's messing with my head, how I mess with your heart. If you wake up in your bed, alone in the dark. I'm sorry, gotta leave before you love me"

"Tae, what are we?" Crissy asks me with her head resting on my chest. Seeing that she isn't able to look into my eyes, let me know how much courage it takes for her to ask me this important question, as she's hiding her face. It's meaningful because she already got hurt not too long ago. This is to ensure her feelings.

But what should I tell her? I am definitely going where she is, emotionally, perhaps even further. There's still a chain around my throat, choking me whenever I get to see Crystal. It's hindering me to open up fully and embrace the tingling feeling inside my stomach. The more I want her the more frightened I get. I can't free myself.

Coward me.

"What do you want us to be?" I ask. She inhales, lets go of my waist and lays on her back facing the ceiling. My eyes watch her almost invisible profile as the candles are blowing off one by one on their own. Her aura changes and the uneasiness scratches the bottom of my lips as I sense where this talk is going. I wish I could skip this part. 

"I like you," she confesses and my heart skips a beat. "This will increase if we go further. I want to know if you're ready to go there. With me." This woman is brave and I envy her for it. But now that I know how she feels about me makes it tougher. I wish I could tell her that I like her, very much, but knowing I'd hurt her more if I open up fully and showed her the face my community has will break my heart and probably her soul much more than this rejection.

"Well, I like you too, but I don't like you, the way you do." I lie and it's tearing my heart into two watching her eyes get teary but remain smiling. Watching how I just smashed her beliefs makes me think that I'm a bad guy. "I thought we are more like the friends-with-benefits relationship as just sex friends."

"I understand!" Crystal whispers and I know, even if I can't see her face as she turns around, showing me her back, that she's crying. Everything aches inside me and I want to hug her but I know it'll not be appropriate. But I want it clear. I want a dot to this sentence.

"What are we gonna do now?" Maybe it's one of the hardest questions I've ever asked because I already know the answer. It's not that we were in a relationship but it hurts as if we're going to break up. I'm aware of what I'm doing but it's painful to hear her sniffs and her faint voice which is covered in her disappointment. 

"I can't do that." she sniffs in between, "I already have feelings and if we do this, who knows how fast it'll happen, but," Crissy's sigh is heavy "Tae, I fall deep to the point that I'd hurt my feelings for the one I love, and I don't want to feel miserable ever again because of a man who doesn't love me back."

Even though I am the one who breaks her, it's painful to hear her words. Crystal makes it clear that she doesn't want to see me again. Understandable after what happened. But it dooms me that I only get her cold back. She doesn't look back nor says a word as I leave her bed to collect my clothes piece by piece to wear them. I didn't expect this to end so soon but she's right. I should leave before it's too late.

"Take care, Panda," the last glimpse takes me longer when I remember how I met her for the first time on that tram; she had the same sad face as today and I am the cause of this time. She's the perfect warm-hearted woman to marry but I am not the right person. "I'm sorry!" After closing the door behind me I take a long breath. A tear in the corner of my eye is fighting to fall but I restrain it. I'm trying to gather the strength to leave but my feet feel heavy. Eventually, I force myself to move on and start walking.

"You did nothing wrong!" My heart drops as soon as I hear her voice while pulling the door open. I turn around to check if she's really there. Indeed, my bebi panda's face is tainted in tears which she's wiping away whenever new drops would roll down. "It's not your fault that I like you. Well, kind of but," she mumbles when I walk slowly back to her, "It's my heart's fault, so you did nothing wrong, you're a good man!" 

Right at this moment, she damages the hard shell that I just decided to build around me. It was a bad idea to let someone near me although I knew where it'll take us. I hold her in my embrace and inhale her intoxicating sweet fragrance, scared that this could be the last time. Her arms go around my waist, and she pulls me close to her to delete the little gap between us. We stay like this without uttering any words because everything is already said. This is our goodbye.

~•~ 

It's Sunday and the weather outside is as cold as my heart. I'm still in my bed, with no single motivation in my mind to stand up. Luckily it's my free time like every Saturday and Sunday. The last few Sundays were not this cold because of her. I got so attached to Crystal, that I miss her with every breath I take. This is just for the time being, I say to myself to cheer up.

It only happened yesterday that we broke up but it feels as if I didn't see her for weeks. By now she would have already prepared breakfast for the two of us and we would have eaten; if I didn't devour her before. My head is filled with this panda-loving woman. Even her scent lingers on my pillow which I didn't wash on purpose since we slept for the first time in my bed. It's faint but still remaining. She had me between her fingers since the beginning but I can't decipher what the reason is.

The doorbell wakes me up instantly and I jump to the entry and open the door. Funny how excited my heart beats faster.

"What's up, bro?" Jimin, my best buddy, enters my home with breakfast in his hands. I'm happy to see him yet I hoped for someone else. Really? I'm too greedy.

"Didn't see you around the last few weekends, were you that busy?" My blond friend says with a wicked grin.

"Mhm, kind of." I simply mumble while biting the fluffy bread.

"Uh, Tae, that's new. Thought you stopped hooking up. I'm happy for you and your friend down there." He says while boxing playfully my left arm.

"We ended it yesterday!" 

"Wait, are you saying you were sleeping with just one? Like singular?" Jimin coughs in shock as if it's not normal. Ok, he has a point. After Jennie left, I never slept with someone more than twice.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?" 

"Were you a couple?"

"No. Sex-friends." His jaw drops as soon as I confess. Jimin's eyes are bigger than usual, he's still perplexed.

"Ok, but why did it end?" 

"Jimin, please don't let us talk about it right now!" My friend knows me too well and if I tell him to stop he would because I'd ignore him if he won't. This topic is too sensitive right now and I can't talk about it. I'm still hoping to see her again but know I shouldn't.  "By the way, why are you here?"

"What, can't I visit my best friend?" This man loves to be physical, especially with the ones he likes. He massages my left shoulder with his tiny hand. It doesn't need words for him to understand my glare. "Ok, ok, I understand!" Jimin leans back and rests his head on the back of the couch and lets a heavy sigh out.

"My parents want me to marry someone so that I can take care of the company." He takes a deep breath and pauses to speak.

"I guess you're not pleased about it." Jimin loves the idea of being in love but is scared to open up. His sweet yet charming and flirty persona sends the wrong vibes. Eventually, throughout the years he believes that he's just a fuckboy who doesn't care about the feelings of the other one but I know that he deeply wants and searches for someone who cares for him as Park Jimin and not just as a flirty guy who's good to hook up to.

"I don't know, man. I thought I had more time to find a compatible partner for me. You know, someone I connect well with. Someone who would take my breath away when we're together. A caring person with a big heart." While he states his longings, my mind automatically goes to her. I found the one but I am not the one for her. " And on top of all that, she has to be Korean. It is really difficult to find that person."

"She has to be Korean!?" I repeat. That's the reason why I can't be with her. My parents would never approve of that. 

"Of course, you know how our community is." He laughs it off but I know that he's upset about the situation.

"Do you have somebody who's not Korean?" 

"I don't have her but she's on my mind the whole time." My friend closes his eyes and a smile covers his perfect face.

"Why don't you try it?"  Dumb question, but I hope for an answer or an escape hole I could use as well.

"She was a one-night stand," Jimin snorts out a laugh. "I visited her not too long ago but she rejected me. I don't even know what I find in her. She's not my usual type of woman but something is fascinating about her." Shaking his head in confusion he adds chuckling, " maybe it was the outstanding sex I had with her. Although it was just one time. I don't fucking know, man!" He slaps his forehead with both hands to hide his frustration.

My mind is blank, I can't help but wonder if there's a tiny chance to convince my family. If they get to know Crystal, would they like her? But if I'm not sure about my feelings, yet. What if we take the risk and start a relationship? That won't do it, the Korean community will give her a hard time and I don't want her to suffer.

"Jimin, do you remember when your cousin dated a foreigner?" 

"Damn, yeah, poor girl. Everyone nagged on her and they were never pleased no matter how hard she tried." 

"In the end, it broke their relationship painfully. I heard that girl had to see the psychotherapist after they parted to heal from all the hurtful words our community has spilled towards her." We were teenagers, but I remember that time too well. Eunwoo, Jimin's cousin, felt guilty for her state and wished in the end he would have never met her to save this heartbreaking experience. That girl suffered a lot just to be with the one she loved but he let go to set her free although she was the light to him.

"Eunwoo changed after all that. He is married but doesn't seem happy. But what concerns me more is that he's drinking a lot lately. Whenever I visit him he reeks of alcohol." My friend and I stay quiet for a moment as we remember the two loving couples. They were so happy yet couldn't be together because of dumb reasons. She isn't Korean!

Crystal doesn't deserve to go through all that and I will prevent that by not seeing her again. My heart aches at this realization but it's best to forget her and let her live her life. 

She will be alright without me.

Let's start slow!
This was level 1♥️🐼🌸