// I tried to draw Dan and Phil from this book but it didn't really work argh why do I bother.

If any of you guys wanna try fan art for this book id love it! //

dan

Dan dreads art now.

He honestly just spoke to Mrs Lynne to try and get her off his back, but turns out it made her even more attached to him.

She constantly stops him after class and warbles on about 'pain' and 'love' and 'emotion' and crap like that. Dan hasn't spoken to her again in fear that she will annoy him even more.

Come to think of it, Dan hasn't really spoken that much since. Maybe because everyone has accepted his refusal to speak, so they never speak to him. Which is good because Dan has simply nothing to respond with.

He only wants to speak to Phil, but that's never going to happen.

"Dan, c'mon, it pains me to see you like this," Connor says, falling into step beside Dan as he slowly walks towards his art class, "you need to start living again."

Dan shakes his head in response. He doesn't want to live without faces. Or without a tattooed, blue eyed, pale, 'punk' marshmallow.

"Will you come over to my house this afternoon?" Connor asks, leaning over and resting his head on Dan's shoulders.

Dan shakes his head again and tries to keep walking, which is hard when he has a tiny American constantly head-butting his neck and shoulders.

"Please, please, pleeeeaaasssee?" Connor begs.

Dan huffs, rolling his eyes but he nods his head. [yes but he wants to say no. what does Dan mean? I'll stop sorry...]

"I want to hear you say your answer thanks Dan," Connor says, making Dan huff in annoyance.

"Fine," Dan snaps, wriggling out of Connor's grasp before stalking down the corridor to his next class.

Connor smiles smugly. He feels guilty about keeping Phil a secret from Dan, so he's going to at least try to show Dan that he can live again - even without Phil.

Dan arrives in the classroom and sits in the desk beside Charlie, who smiles at Dan but he can't see it.

"Yo Dan," Charlie says, trying to be all cool like, "what up homie?"

Dan rolls his eyes, but he can't help letting out a soft chuckle at the boy. Charlie smiles triumphantly.

"Made ya laugh Danny," Charlie says.

"Not Danny," Dan says, "never Danny."

"And speak? What have you done with the Dan Howell I know?" Charlie asks amusedly.

"Killed him," Dan says simply.

"I like this Dan better, is he gonna stick around to stay?" Charlie asks.

"I hope so," Dan says.

And he does hope so, but he knows that soon enough, the grief of Phil will come crashing back down on him, ruining every sense of happiness he's ever felt.

He knows it will, because it happens every time he feels happy. Happiness makes pain ten times worse.

Because it isn't just pain then, it's guilt. The guilt of being happy when they're dead. It's the worst kind of guilt, the kind you simply can't make better.

Dan hates it. But lately, that's all he's been feeling.

He's stuck in the vicious cycle of grief.

***

phil

Phil was trying to study.

But he's already moved on. He's just sitting on his bed aimlessly as of the present. University work is the definition of boring. He doesn't know how he's going to survive years of this.

It hasn't even been a week and he's already wishing that he was actually dead so he wouldn't have to go to class.

The people there were all stupid and fake, as if they've never quite grown out of their high school selves yet. Phil just stays by himself most of the time - which is fine by him.

He likes being alone, it gives him more time to just sit and think. Think about Dan, think about Shane, think about the pain in his heart...

He's had a lot of time to think about how he feels about Dan as well. He knows he cares immensely for the boy, and their personalities just seem to... Click. Phil doesn't know how to explain his feeling for him, the only work he can seem to ever come up with is love.

Is that what he feels for Dan? Love?

Phil also wonders how Dan himself feels - is he getting over him? Is he moving on with his life? Does he still miss Phil? Phil sometimes wishes he could just follow Dan around and watch him live his life and read his mind.

He technically could do that - not the reading Dan's mind bit, but the following bit - but if he got caught he could be reported as a stalker - a dead stalker. Plus Phil is too tall and clumsy to be a successful stalker.

Phil's phone suddenly starts ringing. He answers it quickly when he sees the caller ID.

"Chris my man," Phil says cheerily into the phone, "what's happening?"

"Argh, I have this crappy ass job, and then there's Uni..." Chris grumbles, "it's bloody miserable. Like high school."

"Yeah, same with me. I haven't moved out yet though - I can't seem to find a job. No one wants to hire the scary punk dude," Phil jokes.

"I wonder why mate," Chris laughs before turning serious, "anyway, I called to say that Shane thinks you're dead. How did you manage that?"

"He tried to kill me, but I was found bleeding out. I survived but Shane must think I'm dead," Phil replies with a shrug.

"He was telling me some kid told him, Dean or-"

"Dan?" Phil asks, shocked.

"Yeah, it was Dan. He told Shane," Chris says.

Phil sighs, running a hand through his hair, tugging at his fringe. He feels tears pool in his eyes and he's struggling not to cry on the phone to Chris.

Dan Howell - will he ever leave Phil's life even just for one day? Not bloody likely.

"Okay, look Chris I gotta go..." Phil starts.

"Wait-" Chris starts.

"I have study - call me tomorrow," Phil says before hanging up, Chris probably cursing Phil on the other line.

Phil sighs, abandoning his phone on his bed and walking back over to his desk to try and actually study, but his mind isn't on the work in front of him, it's focused on Dan.

Dan may have saved Phil in the alley, Dan is the reason Shane thinks he's dead, Dan gave Phil emotions, happiness...

God, will he ever stop owing Dan Howell?

Or loving him?

***

dan [again]

Dan trails behind Connor as they walk to his house.

He's only a couple of streets away from Dan, in quite a large modern house. Dan follows Connor inside, remaining silent.

"Um we're gonna be home by ourselves for a while, so I'll grab us something to eat and drink. Then do you wanna play video games or watch a movie?" Connor asks.

Dan pauses.

"Uh, video games," Dan decides.

"Cool," Connor says, "I'll just be a sec, sit on the sofa and wait if you don't want to stand there awkwardly."

"Okay," Dan says, proceeding to flop onto the brown leather sofa which seem semi familiar, but he brushes it aside.

Connor returns a couple of minutes later with a bowl of crisps [there, I used crisps not chips are you happy?] and two cans of lemonade.

"What game do you want to play?" Connor asks, wandering over to the tv, "I'm feeling mario kart, what do you think?"

"Sounds good if you want your ass kicked," Dan shrugs, taking a sip of his lemonade.

"You're on Howell," Connor says, putting the game into the Wii and throwing Dan a remote, "I think you underestimate my skills."

By the end of the first three rounds, it has become clear that it was in fact Connor who underestimated Dan's skills as he's completely smashed Connor.

"Fuck! No fair!" Connor groans as Dan hits him with a shell and races past him to victory yet again.

"Yes fair!" Dan says, smirking at him.

"It's good to see you happy again Dan," Connor says with a smile that Dan can't see, "I miss you laughing and smiling."

"It's good to feel happy," Dan replies, "thanks for cheering me up Connor. I needed that."

"Anytime my friend. Are you up for another round? I'll smash your ass this time," Connor says confidently.

"In your dreams Franta," Dan says, smiling and feeling comfortably happy, "we all know I'm number one at mario kart."

Soon they're yelling. Dan has missed using his voice, so now he isn't holding back. He's yelling and laughing and smiling until his face hurts and it feels good.

He feels as though he may finally be moving on from the grieving stage, which is great.

"YES! I won again!" Dan yells loudly.

"No! You totally cheated! No one is that good at mario kart!!" Connor retorts, crossing his arms and huffing like a two year old.

"Not my fault you can't take the truth," Dan says matter of factly, "I mean-"

"Connor what the hell are you doing? Shut up! Don't know know I'm trying to- fuck," an all too familiar voice says, drifting down from the stairs.

Dan freezes, he feels his blood run cold and heart literally stop in its tracks. Connor curses under his breath, and Dan looks up to meet a pair of wide blue eyes he thought he'd never see again.

"Phil?"

**************

an// oooooohhhhh cliffhanger... Dan has seen Phil again whaaaaat!!

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