The sun had long set by the time the food was gone, though our stomachs and hearts were full, incredibly so. Darkness crept across the landscape like a wave, and it was quite a sight to watch the darkness approach from the east, blanketing the ocean first and coating it in this dark haziness before reaching us.

When the skies above our heads grew dark, I realized with a start that we were blessed with one of the prettiest night skies I'd seen in a while, because though not full, the moon was as gorgeous as it was bright.

After a while, we realized just how late it became, mostly because Emi was soon fast asleep in my arms. When we made the walk down to the base, with Levi holding the basket, the blanket folded up inside, Emi remained soundly asleep, the cutest, most content look set upon her face and settling upon her petite features.

The coastal trail was dark and quiet, but from where we were on one of the higher cliffs, we could see the little camp's nightly glow peeking through the trees. There was the golden lantern glow of the nightly patrols, the candlelight pouring out from the few permanent buildings there were, and the more subdued tones emanating from the tents. There were a few campfires burning strong, either from soldiers swapping stories or having late dinners.

Even from up here, I could hear the sea shanties the Marleyan volunteers were trying to teach the scouts. There was excited shouting coming from the makeshift bar, and I could only hope there'd be no brawls tonight. It was a weeknight, so perhaps everyone would behave themselves - or maybe that was just wishful thinking. These were all soldiers, after all.

Looking out over the water, with moonlight waves cascading across the shoreline, I couldn't help but stall in my step slightly to watch for a moment. I could distinctly note Levi stopping just half a pace after me, and as he was walking next to me on the path closer to the cliff's edge, I could so clearly see his eyes meet my figure, then turn to follow my own gaze even within my periphery.

Despite the enticing thought to just stare at him, I continued to look at the horizon before me. Goodness, wasn't that still so strange to say? Me, a pale and sickly rat, now seeing the sea and the distant horizon far beyond it. Though, pale and sickly rat was hardly a way to describe me now, wasn't it? I was muscled now, though rounded out after my pregnancy, and I was healthy - incredibly so, thankfully, and perhaps miraculously so.

I didn't allow the thoughts on myself linger; instead, I returned my attention to the landscape before me, gorgeous as it was. The moonlight shimmered silver across the waves, seeming to glitter and dance together in such a way as to seem seamless and intentional. How nature could make something like that, so chaotic yet so coherent, was well beyond my sensibilities.

I sneaked a glance at Levi. It didn't matter how many times I saw him in the moonlight, because each time I saw that ghostly blue glint on his skin, the ethereal glow of his already gorgeous eyes accentuated by the night sky, it stole my breath away.

Levi was as observant as always and caught me looking at him. "Any particular reason you're looking at me?"

"You're just so pretty in the moonlight, my dear," I cooed.

"I'm not pretty," he scoffed.

"That is for me to decide," I said. "I'm the one who gets to look at you every day, after all."

"Watch where you're going, stupid," he muttered, clearly flustered. "You're carrying our daughter."

I chuckled but said nothing more, and meaningfully and rather obviously pulled my eyes away from him. In his attempt to get over his embarrassment, brief though it was, he freed up one hand and pressed it to the small of my back to guide me to fall (and stay) back in step with him.

Though I occasionally sneaked more glances at him, we were quiet for the remainder of our walk, at least until we returned to the camp. Upon returning to the site, we weaved our way through the groups of soldiers and volunteers, and a few of them called out to us to say hello. A few brave souls even came up to coo at Emi, but quietly, once they noticed she was asleep.

But for the most part we were relatively undisturbed as we made the walk to our room. Everything was quiet in the barrack halls, which made sense because the only few rooms so far were dedicated for use by us higher-ups for now.

There was a makeshift sign by our door made of a piece of paper tacked to the middle of the door for now. When the entire building was complete, we could spruce it up and finalize living situations, but for now, we had what we had. Levi unlocked the door for us and let me and Emi in first.

The room was small, not unlike the one we'd occupied when in Trost before the battle to reclaim Wall Maria, but it was cozy, at least, and for now, uniquely ours. With as late as it was, Levi and I decided to turn in right away - which for us meant simply getting our nightly chores and routines done before clambering into bed together.

I changed Emi into her nightgown, a cute pink one that had been a spontaneous gift from Hange a few weeks ago. Levi and I got into pajamas, but in place of my own clothes, Levi made sure to pass me, as usual, a pair of his boxers and a shirt.

His shirt hung loosely on my shoulders as I tidied up the room. I'd do our laundry in the morning, and I listened in as Levi read a story to Emi. When she'd gotten back to the room she had begun to stir, but with his voice as a lullaby, she calmed again, falling back to sleep. Months ago, Hange had built a crib for her to use here. It was not quite as refined as the other one but we appreciated it nonetheless.

But for now Levi was content to let Emi lay on her belly on his chest. He rubbed her back soothingly with one hand, the other holding the small book up so he could read it. His usually bored eyes were even more so now, and I fought the urge to laugh as I opened the window just a tad to let some fresh air in.

We had a lone candle burning on the nightstand, the flickering of the flame keeping time as he continued to read. I wasn't paying much attention to the story but what little I did pick up was almost absurdly boring, so I didn't blame Levi for sounding like he was about to fall asleep himself.

I brushed my hair out before bed, made sure everything was locked, and then finally sat on the bed, waiting for Levi to finish the story. When he finally closed the book, he set it on the nightstand. He looked down at the sleeping child on his chest, rising and falling with his chest as he breathed. I reached out and trailed my fingers across her cheek. She was just so soft, so delicate. I planned to keep her that way.

I knew that as she grew up, she'd get scars, that was as obvious as it was inevitable. But I could only pray that when she did get scars, it would be from playing too much and too hard, and not from how Levi and I had gotten ours. I would fight to that end. When the world came for war, it better make sure to stay the hell away from Emi, or it'd have to go through Levi and myself.

There were very few people within these walls stupid enough to fight Levi and me. It'd do the rest of the world good to take their example.

Since she'd been born, we found ourselves smiling and laughing more and more. While I never had been one to bite my tongue, stifle my laughs, or hold my smiles back, Levi certainly was - but when out of the public eye, he was certainly learning to lighten up and more and more.

I'd seen improvement over the many years I'd known him, but when she was born it was as if the floodgates had been opened, the many emotions he'd been suppressing for years pouring out at increasing speeds.

For several minutes we sat silently, watching our little one sleep. It was a simple thing, incredibly so - but it was deceivingly wonderful. As she lost herself in a dream, her eyes fluttered beneath her eyelids, and I ran the featherlight knuckle of my index finger across her hairline, drawing her hair away from her face.

She didn't so much as react to my gentle touch, and surely it was to her what Levi so often did for me. Just as now I soothed her silently, Levi would so often lie awake with the millions of things that kept him awake and he would card his fingers through my hair, or run his hand up and down the length of my back, or just hold me close.

What he would never know was how unconsciously, his doing so made me feel safe within his embrace, though maybe now he could see it in action as our daughter fell into a deeper and more pleasant sleep with her parents here to watch her.

Goodness... her parents. We were her parents. Just as I couldn't be prouder of her, I similarly couldn't be prouder of us.

"You're smiling," Levi spoke quietly, and I could feel the distinct weight of his gaze settling on me. "Why?"

"Maybe because I'm looking at my daughter," I suggested playfully.

"It's something else," Levi said, and it nearly caught me by surprise if he wasn't right. "There's a weird look in your eyes... like you're sad. What's wrong?"

"It's not that I'm sad," I assured him, ensuring that my voice remained low and soft, unintrusive in the relative quiet of the room. "Not really, anyway. I was just thinking of my father."

"Thinking of him usually makes you happy, no?"

"Of course," I said, "but it's always a bit bittersweet. When I think of him, and all that he did for me, it's a happy thing - but then I think of everything he wasn't around to see. I know that to have had him for as long as I did was a blessing. I know that. And I hate to sound entitled or something like that, but..."

"You miss him," Levi said simply, providing that which I didn't say and left to the silence.

When I met his eyes, they were soft and true, softer than I'd expected and truer too, and because we were each laying on our side to either side of our daughter, propped up comfortably on our elbows, he had a hand free. He used that hand to reach out to caress the curve of my cheek, his fingertips dancing across the skin as though hesitant to, but I leaned against him rather instinctually, towards his gentle comfort.

"You don't need to feel guilty about something like that," Levi said quietly. "What I've been through doesn't erase your pain." He shook his head. "I wish you'd realize that."

"I just don't want to, you know..."

"I do know," he huffed, "and it's frustrating as hell. You're allowed to miss him, just as I'm allowed to wish my own mother lived longer, and you can talk about him without hurting my feelings."

"And you're sure?"

"I'm your husband, aren't I? Just talk. I know you want to."

I drew a deep breath in, releasing it with an indulgent sort of sigh and a warm smile that followed soon after. "You're a pain in the ass, honestly."

"Language in front of our daughter."

"Yes, yes," I mumbled. "Anyway, I was just thinking about how he might react to... all of what I've done."

"As in?"

"As in," I began slowly, piecing it all together, "being here, being a captain, getting married and now being a mother... We'd talk every single day. Though it's largely because of his death and Caden's that I ended up becoming a thief and then meeting you, I sometimes think about what might have happened if he was still alive. I like to think he'd love you like a son, and I just know he'd adore Emi. but as far as being a soldier, and in the scouts no less..."

"What? He didn't like them or something?"

"It's not that he didn't like them, but he was a Military Policeman, so there was a rivalry there, even back then."

"I don't think any father would be terribly happy about the prospect of his daughter sacrificing herself for the sake of humanity," Levi mused, looking now down at our own little girl. "She'd better not go near any of that."

"Hopefully," I said, "we'll take care of everything before she'll even know what's going on."

"For tonight, there's nothing else we can do," Levi reminded me. "Be content with that for now."

"Oh, please," I said almost playfully. "As if you'd be content with that."

"No," he responded. "You're right. But some meddlesome woman has taught me not to worry about things I can't control right now."

"You must want something," I said. "There's no way you're choosing now of all times to start listening to me for no reason."

"What I want," he said softly, "is for you to relax, Amaya."

"It's hard sometimes," I lamented simply. "Just part of being a mother, I suppose."

Knowing what I was worried about, spoke surely: "The war is not coming tonight."

"So what shall we do?"

"Rest," he told me.

I smiled. "It's that simple, huh?"

"It is, so do it."

My smile grew warm and I shook my head fondly. "Whatever you ask, my love."

For a few moments longer, we watched Emi sleep as the candle steadily burned on. I reflected, within those moments, on her: she was already so spunky, so smart, that was for damn sure.

She knew that the best way to get what she wanted was to go to her father and give him these sad eyes, because they didn't work on me. They didn't work on me, of course, because I'd come up with it. It was a trick that I'd been using on Levi for years, with only marginal success; she got away with it much more often than I did. And that was absolutely not fair.

I'm not sure how long we laid there, but eventually Levi yawned, which was a rare sight, and it was his yawn that prompted me to rise.

"I'll put her to bed," I offered quietly.

He nodded and lifted his head, pressing a kiss to her forehead. He bid her a quiet goodnight and let me take her into my arms. I padded quietly across the room to the crib and set her down after kissing her cheek. I tucked the blanket around her, and she resettled into the bedding easily.

I must've gotten lost in my thoughts as I gazed over her sleeping form again, because Levi brought me back to reality with a call of my name. I returned to bed, slipping under the covers next to him. I wasted no time in snuggling up next to him, taking advantage of his warmth.

He didn't complain with words but did grunt as he wrapped an arm around me, the other under his head. He was still lying on his back, and I set my face in the crook of his neck and hugged around his torso. I kissed his neck sweetly before closing my eyes and letting out a long exhale.

"It was a lovely evening," I murmured. "Thank you, darling."

"I didn't do much," he said. "All I did was raid the kitchen for whatever I could find."

"Still, the effort was there," I said with a smile. "It was nice to have some time to ourselves today. It seems like we've been working nonstop for weeks now."

"You're so full of shit," he said. "You know that as soon as we're back home, you'll be complaining that you miss everyone, and you'll be bored out of your skull."

"No, no, no," I protested. "I promise I won't."

"I give it two full days after we return," he said, "that you'll be complaining that you want to come back."

"I won't. But if I do," I said, "you have my permission to punish me."

"Oh? And how would I do that?"

"However you want," I provided.

"Guess my birthday came early this year," he said. He lifted his head from its position leaning against mine, and he let out a sigh as his head dropped back to the pillow. "Dammit."

"What?"

"Candle's still burning."

I opened my eyes and propped myself up, leaning over him to blow the candle out. Darkness enveloped the room immediately, and I couldn't help but yawn as exhaustion washed over me. "Oh, goodness," I said after my yawn. "All of your love today has made me tired."

I looked down at him, smiling in response to his lazy smirk. I lowered myself to him, planting a kiss on his lips. He responded in kind, keeping the kiss simple, sweet, loving. I lifted myself away from him, my eyes opening slowly.

"Stop looking at me," he said. "Go to bed."

I rolled my eyes but could do nothing to stop my smile. "Too much loving for one day?"

"Yes. Now hush."

"Or what? You'll get grumpy?"

"Yes," he said again.

I gave in, rolling over to lay on my other side. I pulled the covers up over me and waited to see if Levi would cuddle me or not. I sighed exaggeratedly, but nothing. I turned my head to look back at him. His eyes were closed, but I knew he wasn't asleep yet. There was no way. So I sighed again, but I was ignored – again.

"Levi?"

He opened an eye to glare over at me. "What, brat?"

"Come here."

"No."

"Please? I want to cuddle."

"We were cuddling, dumbass. You're the one who rolled away."

"Yes, but... Shut up." I propped myself up on my elbow so I could turn to see him better. "Please come cuddle?"

With an exasperated groan he slid closer, getting onto his side. I beamed and lowered myself to the bed again, getting comfortable. Levi pressed his chest to my back, one arm slipping under the pillow, the other wrapping around my waist, tugging the shirt up so he could feel my bare skin.

"You are so fucking needy," he breathed out.

"Mm-hm," I hummed, closing my eyes. "Goodnight, my love."

"Goodnight, brat," he responded in kind, and at long last, sleep found me - peaceful and quiet.

—

Oh, my God.

Did I just...?

My hands flew to my mouth as I realized what just happened. As I realized... what had happened by my hand. A man was dead, and I had killed him. A fellow human... a thinking, breathing, feeling being... now put forever to rest because I willed it.

I... Not only did I will it, I had done it.

The man might have been handsome at some point, his masculine features accentuating his muscles. His eyes were green, the rare shade being rather pretty when complimented by his dark hair and fair skin.

But now, those eyes remained unblinking, wide, glassy. His body was still; the great big chest of his, muscled and powerful, once heaving with the effort to catch his breath, now sickeningly unmoving.

My knife, the one given to me by El so long ago, remained in his back, the silver blade tinged with the deep red of his blood. That knife had seen blood before, but never... never being fatal. It was for self-defense, so I'd used it to slice arms, sure, but mostly it was a threat, and a damn effective one at that.

People down here saw a woman and figured she was unprotected and defenseless. Just having a knife was enough to deter some, but not all – those were the ones I'd had to slice through.

But this was my first time... taking a life.

He hadn't screamed as he died. No, rather it was a single, pained release of breath before he fell over. It hadn't been what I expected it to be, and perhaps that's what made it so much worse.

Something tapped me on the shoulder, and I shrieked, nearly leaping out of my skin. I whipped around, my heart leaping up into my throat. My eyes, wide and watery, met Farlan's surprised ones.

"Hey," he said gently, "are you alright?"

"What was that about?" Levi asked from where he stood a few feet away. Farlan glanced down at the man I'd killed.

"Did you... know him, or something?" I shook my head. The way my throat constricted painfully made it hard to speak or breathe. "You didn't? Then why did you have a reaction like that...?" He seemed to piece it together. "Oh. Amaya, was that your first time killing someone?"

I'd already done it, but something about having to hear it aloud set it in stone. I'd killed someone. His blood was on my hands, now. He was a grown man, perhaps one with a family. Maybe this was his only way of making money for them, and now they'd never see him again. Maybe his wife was the lady I bought dry food packets from, or maybe the one who sometimes sold bread. Or-

"Amaya," Levi cut in. "We've got to go. Hold yourself together until we're home, alright?"

I wasn't sure what happened in the next few minutes, but they went by in a blur and suddenly we were at home. I was guided inside with a firm hand on my back, and as soon as I registered where we were, I dashed into the bathroom.

The small breakfast I'd had this morning before the job came up in a rush and I puked it into the toilet, the bile burning my throat. Tears were rushing down my face, mingling with the fine layer of sweat caking my body. Everything was suddenly so warm, overbearingly so, and I had trouble catching my breath over the fire in my throat.

"Amaya!" Farlan called, worry lacing his tone.

Knelt in front of the toilet as I was, I shifted to face away from him as he stood in the doorway, unsure of himself. Farlan stepped into the room as I continued to retch. I honestly wasn't sure if my heaving was from vomiting or sobbing, but it was all too likely to be a mixture of both.

Farlan crouched down, setting a gentle hand on my back. With his other hand he held my hair back. Just as I started to regain my breath, the face of the man I'd killed flashed through my mind, his dying moments having been spent staring at me, his murderer. Another wave of vomit threatened to rise, but I seemed to have puked up everything in my stomach, because it came out in dry heaves.

As my body came to terms with the fact that I had nothing left to throw up, it finally allowed me to begin catching my breath, even as my sobbing intensified. I cried openly, remaining hunched over the toilet bowl.

"Shh, Amaya," Farlan said soothingly. "Easy. It's alright. We're all alright."

"No," I protested through my sobs, "no, no, no! I'm a... I killed..."

"We all have," Farlan said. "Levi has, and so have I. You're like us now."

"In what world would being like you help her feel better?" Levi quipped. Despite the odd humor that I usually enjoyed, it somehow made me feel worse. I lowered my head into my hands, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Levi," Farlan admonished. "How about you go get her some water?" With a shrug of his shoulders, he did as suggested, disappearing from the doorway to head to the kitchen. "I know it hurts. I know. Shh, shh." He rubbed my back soothingly, with a gentleness I felt I didn't deserve right now. "Are you feeling any better? Er, well, you know how I mean, as in-"

"I'm done throwing up now," I said quietly, "if that's what you mean. There's nothing left to come out."

He pulled me back from the toilet, guiding me to lean against him. I let myself slump against him, my cheek coming to rest on his shoulder. He continued to rub my back rhythmically and reminded me to breathe, and soon, Levi returned with a cup of water.

Farlan reached around me to take it from him, and he held it towards me. I took the cup gingerly, taking a slow, tentative sip. I swished the water around in my mouth before swallowing, trying to rid my mouth of the taste.

"There, now," Farlan said.

I lowered the cup, looking down into the small reflection of my face in the water. It distorted and rippled with the water's movements, which was fitting. Someone's life ended by my hand, today. How could you be the same person after that?

I glanced up at Levi. He was leaning against the doorway, his arms crossed in front of his chest. He was looking down at me as he usually did: looking rather unamused, a bit tired, maybe even angry. I chanced a look at Farlan, still holding me so gently, as if I were made of glass.

"How are you... How can you... Um..."

"Spit it out, moron," Levi called from the doorway.

"Levi," Farlan hissed.

"How can you two still treat me so kindly?" I forced out. "I just... killed someone, and..."

"That's easy," Farlan said. "It's the same reason that you can still show Levi and me that same kindness. It's because you're still a person, and everyone deserves some kindness."

"But I'm a murderer now! How can you even look me in the eye?"

"Amaya," Levi said, calling my attention to him. I looked up at him, teary-eyed. "You knew already that Farlan and I had killed people, didn't you? Or even if you hadn't guessed it just by looking at us and knowing what we did for work, you've seen us kill people before on jobs when you first got here."

"Right," Farlan agreed. I turned to look at him. He smiled gently at me. "And yet, you're still here. So how can you still look at us, then?"

"I..."

"See?" Farlan asked with a chuckle. "You've got nothing. Look at it this way, Amaya, if you didn't kill him when you did, I'd be the dead one instead. You saved my life. It took you getting your hands dirty, but you saved me."

Despite the truth of his words, I shook my head. "I just... All my life I've been able to get away with threats, mild injuries... I've never had to kill someone, before. I might not have needed to this time, either, but... I don't know. I just... did."

"Not everyone deserves that kind of mercy," Levi piped up. "Those people today wanted us dead. Instead of letting them kill your friend, you killed them first. Just get it through your skull already."

"Yeah," I mumbled, "but... was it right of me to kill them?"

"Don't ask me as if I'd know the answer," Levi said. "I've killed more people than I can count. I've never known if it's wrong or right. To be honest, it never mattered to me, because it's not as if knowing the answer would change the fact that I did it."

"I think what he's trying to say," Farlan butt in, "is that there's no point regretting it, now. I'm incredibly grateful that you did kill him, Amaya. I wouldn't be here if you didn't. Do you regret saving me?"

"No," I said immediately. "Of course, not."

"Good," he said, smiling now.

"Listen, brat," Levi said. "Stop wallowing in self pity on the bathroom floor. You've killed someone. It doesn't seem like it, but it's not that far a leap away from threats and causing minor injuries. You don't trust us any less because we've killed people, right?"

I took a moment to think, even though the answer was painstakingly clear to me. I shook my head.

"That's what I thought," he said. "There's no undoing what you did. Someone is dead, by your hand. But in turn, Farlan is still alive. If you want to keep working with us, know that you'll probably have to kill more. If you can't do that, I suggest you leave now before you get too attached to us."

True, I hadn't been with them for too long, yet. And already, I'd killed someone to save Farlan. What was I becoming? Levi pushed away from the doorframe, heading more than likely into the living room, leaving me with Farlan.

"He's a bit harsh," he said softly, "but he means well. Whatever you decide to do, just know that I can't thank you enough for saving me."

Farlan sat with me as I sat quietly, as my mind raced. I supposed that I hadn't really changed, per se... I'd always been violent, it's something everyone born down here shared. El, a trained soldier, knew this reality, and so had trained me to be able to defend myself if ever I needed to.

Up until today, though, I'd been blessed with luck, never having to do so more than simply threaten someone before they'd back off. Perhaps it was in the look I sent them, my body language, or the sight of a woman ready to defend herself with a knife.

But I'd always been ready to hurt someone if I so needed to. Today... I'd done what I'd always done, I'd just taken it further than I had before. It hurt. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, living in this city. Did I honestly expect to go my entire life here without killing someone?

Life here was predictable, in a sense. Life down here was meant to keep the poor people poor. If you had no strength, you'd never rise above the muck. Today... I'd finally joined the ranks of those with blood on their hands. The dirty. The ruthless. The strong. But not the heartless.

Farlan and Levi had killed so many but had some of the biggest hearts I'd ever seen. Sure, Levi was a hard-ass, and Farlan wasn't the most tact, but they had big, strong hearts. I'd been saved by them before. Today, I'd killed, but to save someone I loved.

I could say that for sure, now. Sure, it hadn't been that long. Realistically, it was stupid of me to think so highly of men that truthfully, I didn't know all that well. But I knew I belonged here, with them. There was nowhere else for me to be. Nowhere else that I wanted to be. Whatever happened, if I stayed with them...

I'd be alright.

I loved them both. That was an indisputable fact in my heart now. It was as if there was a string connecting my hearts to theirs, forever tugging me to them.

"Amaya?" Farlan said. "Not that I don't enjoy sitting with you or anything, but are we going to sit on the bathroom floor all night?"

"We?" I repeated with a small smile.

"We," he confirmed with a smile of his own. "I wasn't about to let you cry alone all night, Amaya."

"You really are just a sweetheart," I teased, getting to my feet. Farlan followed suit.

"Am not," he pressed. "I'll see if Levi's feeling generous enough to make us all some tea. How about you get cleaned up, and we'll stay up all night talking about our feelings?"

"You're so weird," I said with a laugh. "But thank you."

"Don't thank me for being nice to you," Farlan said. "It's not easy, killing someone. I cried, too. Levi, I don't know if he did or not. But it's not something you get used to. So don't think we see you as weak or anything like that, okay?"

"Okay," I said quietly. "Now get out, let me get cleaned up, yeah?"

"See you out there," he said, smiling once more at me before stepping out of the bathroom. He closed the door behind him, effectively leaving me alone. A quick glance into the mirror set against the wall, and I found myself looking into the eyes of a killer, but I didn't look all that different from how I did this morning.

I was still Amaya Ikeda.

I was a killer, yes, but more so, I was a savior. I'd traded one life for another. I wasn't sure what gave me the power to do so, but I'd crossed a threshold today, one that I couldn't retreat from. Did I even want to? No. These men had protected me, despite my short time with them. They'd killed for me in the few jobs I'd joined them for. I needed to repay that debt.

I nodded to myself before beginning to clean myself up. I was sure I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight, not with the man's face so clear in my mind every time I even blinked. Not when the memory was still so fresh: the feeling of my knife slipping between his ribs, slicing through flesh; the warmth and stench of blood as it pooled at my feet and on my skin when I was handed my knife; the sickening sound of his pained gasps, his last shuddering breath.

...But a cup of tea would certainly do me some good.

—

A knock on the door surprised Levi and me both.

We were awake, because of course we were. It was early, early morning, one of those god-forsaken hours before dawn even broke. Emi was in my arms, fussy and trying to go back to sleep. I'd just fed her, but that seemingly wasn't enough for her. I had been singing to her, but it didn't help, and my voice trailed off anyway once my attention was drawn to the door.

I chanced a glance at Levi, who'd just returned from a late-night bathroom break. He met my eyes before turning on his heel, heading to the door. Thinking it was an emergency, I stood, hushing Emi and rocking her back and forth as I did. Levi opened the door in a hurry, revealing Jean.

"Captain," he greeted tensely, and I began to worry that it really was an emergency.

Why else would he be here so damn early? A pang of fear struck me, and I held Emi to my chest, her chin plopping on my shoulder as she continued to whimper. I came up next to Levi as he asked why Jean was here.

"Is there an emergency of some kind?" I asked.

"No, ma'am," he said.

"Then why are you here?" Levi asked impatiently.

"I... Captain Amaya," Jean said uncertainly, "can I speak with you?"

"Oh, uh, of course," I said, taken aback. "Privately?"

"Please," he said with a nod.

"Alright," I sighed. "We'll head outside, then. Here, Levi," I said to my husband, handing Emi to him. It would do her no good to get cold outside.

Levi cradled her to his chest as I slipped on my shoes and stepped out of the room, following Jean outside. The walk through the dark hallway was quick and quiet, and already I could feel the coolness seeping into my bones. Still, I followed him as he walked hurriedly, and the fear from just a few moments ago transformed into worry for the boy walking in front of me.

Jean's pace was brisk, as if he were running late. When we reached the door leading outside, he held it open for me. The sky was still dark, the air still cool, the smell of the ocean clear and strong. Looking up, I saw it was a cloudless night; the stars were bright and numerous, twinkling in indiscriminate patterns.

Jean was staring straight ahead into the darkness, his eyes clouded over. It was clear there was something bothering him, but exactly what it was, I couldn't figure out until he told me. But it didn't look like he was going to tell me anytime soon, not if his continued silence was a sign of things to come.

So, I talked instead.

"Pretty night, isn't it?" I sighed wistfully as I cast my gaze upwards at the infinite cosmos above.

From here, I could hear the crashing of the waves on the shore, the water crashing against the sand and rocky cliffs. The coast really was a pretty area. And without the lights from the walls, the stars were so much brighter here.

That was certainly something I missed when spending brief times in the cities within the walls, the tightly packed districts that never seemed to truly sleep. The glow of the lanterns made it so the stars were seemingly behind a veil. So I did deeply appreciate being out here, so far from the walls.

Once the last of the campfires winked out at night, the only lights to disturb the darkness were the single lanterns of the patrols as they wandered the grounds, but those typically stuck to the perimeter of the property and had no bearing on our view here.

Even at home within Wall Rose, our view was much the same. Situated just outside of Trost, the wide countryside sky offered an unparalleled view of the cosmos. On warm summer nights, when we couldn't sleep, or just wanted to stay up to enjoy our own quiet company, we'd go outside, Emi swaddled in our arms, and stargaze.

Growing up as we did, we had stargazing time to make up, and we wanted to get Emi started early.

"Views like this... they never get old," I said quietly. Jean, standing at my side quietly, directed his gaze to my profile. "The stars, always so far away, always manage to show up every night, regardless of whether or not you can see them. Consistency like that is nice to see. Far too many things in life are unpredictable. Having something like this to look forward to every night... Well. I could talk about them all night. But what was on your mind, Jean?"

"I... I'm sorry for waking you," he began.

"You didn't," I reassured him. "We were both up caring for Emi when you knocked."

"Oh," he replied quietly, looking forward again. "Good, then."

"You did, however, worry us," I said. I looked over at him sidelong. "You're pale as a ghost, Jean. What's troubling you?"

"I, um. You once told me that when you killed someone for the first time, you cried for a long time afterwards. But... um, well I know it's been a long time for you, n-not like you're old or anything, but do you still, you know, have... nightmares about it?"

The earnestness in his voice, the sudden tremble in his jaw, the vulnerability I saw in his eyes... Whatever he'd seen in his dream exactly, it'd shaken him a lot.

"I don't normally see the first man I'd killed, no," I answered honestly. "Not anymore. For weeks... no, perhaps it's more accurate to say even years after, I'd still see his face, sometimes. I can still recall what he looks like, so clearly. But he doesn't haunt me like he used to." Jean met my gaze steadily, his eyes glassy. "The night I'd done it, I didn't sleep a wink. Farlan and Levi, back when we were only new partners, stayed up with me the whole night, because every time I closed my eyes, I saw him."

"Did they really?" He asked, a ghost of a smile playing at his lips.

"They did," I responded. "But it's not like they did it until my nightmares went away. And they had their own to deal with. It was something I needed to come to terms with on my own, but I knew that if ever I needed anything, they'd be there for me. They'd already proved that they were."

"So is it... normal, that I still see the face of the man I killed?"

"Yes," I answered. "It's not a normal thing, you understand, to kill someone, but there are very few people who don't get haunted by those they kill."

"Like Levi?"

"No," I said quickly. "Actually, quite the opposite. He, of anyone, seems to be hit especially hard with each kill he makes."

"Really? So he... still sees them, too?"

"Of course," I said. "Don't tell him I told you, but he has a lot of trouble sleeping. Sometimes it's just insomnia, but other times it's because when he does sleep, he replays each time he's killed someone, or watched someone die. And I'm much the same way, though it got easier when we started sleeping together. We could face our fears together."

I let out a breath. Goodness, it'd been a while since I'd even thought about that first victim, that first life I'd taken in place of another. I could still see him so clearly, though. He'd been the first domino, the initial ripple that led to so many more deaths.

"I uh, well it's obvious, but I just had a nightmare and I saw that man I killed, under the chapel. It was like I was killing him again."

"The fact that you feel bad for what you did," I said slowly, "just goes to prove how human you are, Jean. Keep that in mind. If you didn't relive that trauma, it'd mean you were heartless, merciless, cold-blooded. But if you're still haunted by what you've done, it means you still have enough heart left to feel something. And that takes strength. You're not weak for being fearful, regretful, doubtful."

"How much longer... will I keep seeing him?"

"That depends," I said. "On a few things, actually. It depends partially on how you rationalize it within yourself, and on how much power you allow it to have over you. Let it hang over your head like a cloud, and it will continue to haunt you. If you internalize it, let yourself hurt, and realize that what you did was terrible and necessary, it'll get easier." I turned to face him, setting a hand on his shoulder. "It doesn't get easier, Jean. Just remember that."

"You just seemed so clear-headed when fighting them," he said. "I won't say I envied you for being able to kill so easily, but... I didn't know if it was right or wrong to kill. But you and Captain Levi seemed to do is so easily."

"Determining if it's right or wrong is something Levi and I still haven't done," I told him. "Were we right for killing when it protected who we loved? Were we right for taking the life of someone if it meant it could save another? Or was it wrong to even think about stealing away someone's breath? Were we in the wrong for having just the intention to kill, regardless of who we could save, or how wrong the other person was?"

"Jeez," Jean sighed after taking a quiet moment to collect his thoughts. "Sometimes I can't tell if you're really that smart and good with words, or if you're just vomiting out words."

"If you really want to know," I said playfully, "it's a bit of both." With a wink I turned away from him. "Listen, kid. For all the killing Levi and I have done, just know that we still remember the faces of those we kill. That's just the unfortunate side effect of being human – perhaps too human for our own good. All your friends, even if they don't say it, are going through the same thing. Just know that your sacrifices don't go unnoticed, because we've gone through the exact same thing, too."

He finally smiled at me, his eyes losing some of their sharpness. "Thank you," he breathed out.

"Take a walk to clear your head," I suggested. "I'd join you, but I am about to pass out because Emi's been extra fussy tonight. So." I pulled him to me for a hug, though with how tall he was compared to me (damn that malnutrition from growing up underground), it was like hugging a tree. After a moment of hesitation he hugged me back. "Get some rest," I said, pulling away from him.

"Thank you, captain," he said, smiling at me. The smile he wore was genuine, relieved, exhausted. With just that one look, I knew he'd be alright, if only for tonight.

"Amaya," I corrected him. "Honestly. We've fought together. I think you've earned the right to call me by my name."

"You're still my commanding officer," he laughed. "But thank you... Amaya. No, that's unnatural. Goodnight, captain."

I sighed exaggeratedly, but all the same, bid him a good night. When he left, I didn't watch him go; instead, I headed inside, rubbing my arms to warm them up. Walking down the quiet, dark hallway again, I groaned inwardly. Goddesses help me, I just want to sleep for a week.

But something told me that perhaps I wouldn't be getting too much more sleep tonight, not with a needy husband and needy daughter to tend to.