39.

I hate it when they knock.

My mom has been doing it continuously for six days. I don't think she is even having food, because she is always outside my door, either sobbing, screaming or knocking. Sometimes, all three.

I know I am cruel. But I don't feel like opening the door and letting the world enter.

I want to stay here. And die here.
Dying sounds so welcoming.

If only I had the guts to cut a little deeper.

Maxon, I don't know why God decided to take you and leave me hanging here.

Was he testing me? Did he want to see how much close I was to you that I would follow you to heaven?

If he was, then ask him to also give me the courage to finally do it.

I am so scared.
I am a coward, Maxon.