college applications.

the epitome of stress.

all anyone ever seemed to talk about

nowadays

was college

"what college do you want to go to?"

"what do you want to study in college?"

college

college

college

college

she found herself 

falling into the never-ending loop

of college talk.

she couldn't escape it.

it was worse

when she couldn't answer

the only question 

everyone cared about.

she didn't know

what she was supposed to do 

with her life.

what was she going to study?

who was she going to be?

a pit formed in her stomach

every time she thought of her future...

sometimes she wondered

if she was ever meant to have a future at all?

she couldn't imagine herself in college;

it was too bizarre.

she half expected 

to die before the school year ended

before she graduated

before she started college.

she dreamed of her future, 

but dreams never turn into reality;

why should her future be any different?

when she wasn't talking to others about college

she stressed about writing

her college essays;

would she be accepted?

has her entire high school career

been a complete failure?

the pit in her stomach 

grew wider and darker.

to cope

she procrastinated

every 

single

thing;

homework, 

college applications,

reading, 

writing, 

sleeping.

she was no longer the peasant 

in procrastination nation: 

she was crowned its queen.

rather than getting her work done

and preventing stress,

she curled under her covers

wrapped in a blanket,

all cozy in her pajamas, 

and watched netflix

on her laptop 

as the hours slipped by

unnoticed

until her eyes were too heavy 

to keep open,

and she fell asleep.

she couldn't find 

the necessary motivation

to actually finish her work.

winter break

couldn't come fast enough;

a month and a half to go

before the break from school 

for two and half weeks began.

at least football season was over;

she no longer had to conduct the marching band

in their stiff and uncomfortable uniforms

playing the same songs

over and over...

show choir 

still raged on; 

rehearsals every monday night

and recent choreography sessions

on fridays after school 

and all day saturday.

she had all the time in the world

and yet none at all.

she couldn't decide

if being busy

was better than having more time

to wallow in her feelings and thoughts...

*  *  *

she started talking to him again...

they hadn't talked 

in what felt like years.

they'd had a conversation

here and there 

the past two years,

but not a real conversation.

at least,

not until the last week or so.

he was her first real date

her first boyfriend

her first kiss...

when they first connected,

they talked every day

for months

until he worked up the courage 

to ask her out.

she couldn't remember 

the last time she felt 

so comfortably herself 

around a person;

they talked about everything

and nothing.

she told him everything...

then, 

he said 

the three magical

terrible words

that she couldn't say back...

in the end, 

she was the one that left;

she stayed with him

while he cried,

her heart ripping into two.

she couldn't quite explain

why she had to leave

but leaving hurt her 

as much as it hurt him.

and now, 

they were speaking again.

not as often as they used to,

but she still knew how to make him smile

and he still knew how to make her laugh...

she missed him.

she missed the way they used to talk

every single day

for hours and hours.

she missed holding his hand

and curling up against him

while they watched movies.

she missed playing with his hair.

she missed falling asleep against him.

she missed wearing his sweatshirts, 

and his smell.

she missed holding his face in her hands

and tracing his lips with her fingertips.

maybe she didn't miss him, exactly,

but the idea of him.

she missed caring for someone, 

and someone caring for her.

she missed sharing everything about her

with a person who understood

and loved her.

she missed being vulnerable

to someone who would kiss her tears.

she must tread carefully

or she would find her heart beating

faster than it should.

thinking about him too much

might cause her to tremble 

in a way she hadn't 

in a long time...

she couldn't afford

to love the person

she couldn't love years ago.

it didn't work then,

and it wouldn't work now.

however,

it was getting harder

and harder

to make her heart understand

what her mind understood.

they were not meant to be,

but oh, 

how easy it would be 

to whisper the words

he blurted to her

not so long ago...

i love you