she really wanted to drink

she really really wanted to

but she was fighting it

because she was underage

because it was wrong

because she was against it

she couldn't count how many times 

that she had talked about 

how stupid it was.

but there she was 

tempted to drink

tempted to get drunk

to see what it was like

to forget the loneliness..

but there was no one to drink with

and it made her all the more lonely...

she felt so alone

everyone was leaving

leaving

leaving..

she hadn't seen her soul sister,

Rosie, 

in four years 

because she lived states away

and her best friend,

Gracie, 

just left her for a new life

in a state far away.

her close friend,

Ashley,

was leaving too

even if she wasn't sure how to feel about that one

because even though she loved Ash,

Ash always started drama

and always put other friends before her.

not only that

but her sister was leaving for college,

leaving her with her parents...

the ones that threw her feelings in her face

the ones that thought she wasn't good enough...

the ones that thought her grades were more important

God forbid she mess up sometimes...

she really wanted that drink

but drinking was wrong

and she was fighting herself

and she could feel herself losing

wanting that drink

curious and hurt and upset and alone

all at the same time..

she had already given in to cursing sometimes

which she never usually did

but she felt so alone

alone

alone

alone

alone

alone

and tired

tired of fake people

of fake friends

that wouldn't matter in two years...

she just wanted to leave 

to go somewhere

anywhere

and not be so alone anymore...

her eyes were burning

she was crying

and she could only feel the tears

as they dripped down her face

because her parents didn't understand her

and she vowed to never tell them how she felt

 but the people she went to for everything

were miles away

and even though she loved them to death

they couldn't truly understand 

because they weren't there

how could they be?

and she was hoping more than anything

that maybe the school year would bring someone new

someone to be her best friend

someone to be there for her

someone to fill the void

so she wasn't alone...

someone who could make her laugh senseless

and wasn't a bad influence

because she had enough of those.

damnit 

the alcohol was in her hand

to drink or not to drink 

that was the question

and her heart was beating 

faster and faster

and she felt dizzy

and she didn't know what to do

because she had always been bad at making decisions

and maybe she wanted to make a mistake

she wanted to know how it felt..

she carefully opened the cap,

careful to not rip the sticker

that was there to supposedly seal the bottle

she peeled it slowly up,

uncapped the bottle,

and stared at it

bringing it up to her nose

and smelling the liquor 

that was mixed in with chocolate

in a bottle of chocolatey sin.

she was shaking now

and she put the bottle back down

and stared at it

biting her lip

because she didn't know what to do...

she knew it was wrong

but it was 

right

there...

in the grand scheme of things

it wouldn't be a big deal

she would probably forget the moment

and the decision later on in her life

but she felt as though 

maybe it was the point of no return

that if she drank

she would continue to do so

that she really would be a hypocrite 

she found herself

pouring a little bit of the drink

into the cap of the bottle

and staring at it again

and her heart was beating faster

and the smell of chocolatey liquor 

was drifting into her nose

and suddenly 

she was tilting her head back

and swallowing the little bit of the drink

and not knowing what to do

when it burned her throat..

she sat there

heart beating

and she did it again..

but before she could keep doing it

she twisted the cap tightly back on

and resealed the bottle,

placing it carefully back

where it belonged.

then

she scooped herself some ice cream

and locked herself in her room

wondering if the drink even did anything

because all it seemed to do

was leave a bad taste in her mouth

and make her throat burn.

she still felt alone

and she still felt hurt

because she kept thinking

of how her parents threw her feelings

in her face

and basically accused her

of being a bad person

and she kept thinking

maybe she should have

poured liquor on her ice cream

and just gotten drunk

and simply forgot it all...

but she had church in the morning

and what would they say 

if they knew?

how much would they judge her?

she was scared

yet exhilarated

because she wanted more

but she didn't at the same time

and she didn't know what to think

because the battle was still raging in her mind

and she couldn't sleep

and she was watching the time 

slowly tick by

and she had finished her ice cream a while ago

and the music she was listening to 

barely processed inside her mind

and all that she kept thinking 

was that she was alone

alone

alone

alone

alone

and she wanted to rebel

but be good

yell

but be silent

all at once

and she was tired

and her mind was spinning

and the world was spinning

and she could feel herself drifting slightly

and she didn't know what to think anymore

and she didn't want to think anymore

so she flipped off her light

and turned the music up louder

attempting to drown out her thoughts

to drown out her thundering heart

to drown out her feelings

to drown out everything

until there was nothing left

but the music

and the darkness

and the burning of her throat.