Haven

The most inspirational breakfast I could think of on this gloomy, Monday morning before University were yogurt with some cornflakes. I had barely eaten this weekend, my head too full for it, my stomach too upset.

I'm sure my parents had noticed, but neither had said a word about it, probably because they knew I didn't feel like telling them, anyway. I was sure they had asked Jonah- he had briefly explained them the situation.

Whenever we would talk, though, I tried to talk about Amsterdam, the city itself, only. Pushing my thoughts about Zephaniah away, because they still hurt too much. Of course, he flashed through my mind all the time, but once it would happen, I would try to think of the thought that this was better for him.

I was extremely nervous to see him at University today. I wondered if he still saw us as friends. I wanted to, obviously I wanted to- but I didn't know if I could. Everything would be so strange.

Noticing that my thoughts had led to him again, I sighed deeply, staring at the ticking clock. I still had plenty of time left- I had awoken so early and could only toss around in bed that I had decided to just go out.

The Amsterdam hangover was still pretty much present, but I was sure I wouldn't be the only one today feeling that way. What had Zephaniah done this weekend? I scolded myself.

All of a sudden, Cookie started squeaking. It startled me, so as I shoved my bowl away, I turned around on my seat and stared at the cage, noticing something odd hanging out of her bottom. My eyes widened, realising she was pregnant.

"Jude!" I yelled, jumping off my chair. My parents were gone to work, so was Jonah. Jude had a day off, I needed him to be here. Crouching down in front of the cage, I heard her squeaking some more, realising it wasn't something odd hanging out- but a baby.

Gulping, I stood up and ran over towards the stairs, entering Jude's room. His room was completely dark, I squinted my eyes and turned them to the, still, sleeping figure. Flashing on the lights, I saw how he slept on his stomach, reminding me of Zephaniah.

I swallowed, but pushed my thoughts away when my eyes lingered on a cushion. Grabbing it, I smacked it against Jude's head once or twice in order to wake him up.

He did, instantly, sitting up with a death glare present. "What the heck, Have?! What time is it?" Jude glanced at the clock, his sleepy eyes squinted. "Seriously? I've got a day off, I want to sleep in!" He added, once he read it was half past seven.

"No, Cookie is giving birth! You need to see it! Hurry, hurry!" I smacked him again- but Jude was faster and snatched the cushion out of my hands, smacking me back.

"I don't care- What?!" Jude frowned, staring at me for a moment long. "Wait, what?! Wasn't he a boy?"

Shrugging, I slowly rolled my eyes. "Obviously. Since when do girls give birth? Now, come on! Before it's too late."

Jude muttered something underneath his breath, but he followed me either way after he had slipped on some joggers and a shirt. Running down the stairs, I slipped over the floor and sat on my knees, noticing there were two babies born now.

I thought they would be born naked- turns out I was wrong. They had hairs all over, big, black pearly eyes staring at me. "Oh my goodness! They're so cute!" I needed to show them to Zephaniah-

My smile faded, I slouched down.

Jude wrapped his arms around my neck, leaning onto me with his full weight. "Aw, how cute." He said, his tone sarcastically. "Cannot believe I let you drag me out of bed for these, ugly, rats." He cuddled me closer, I groaned loudly, trying to get him off me.

"Get off me! You'll break my back, Jude." I leaned back, Jude fell onto his bottom but didn't let go of me.

"Not before you tell me what's been going on with you, depressed Guinea Pig." He mumbled out, poking my sides. I squirmed away, secretly wondering since when he noticed when something was off with me.

Don't get me wrong, I knew Jude truly cared for me, just like Jonah did. But Jonah, even though he was less talkative, was more of the kind to talk when something was bothering me. Jude wasn't really good with words and advice when it came to that- he would try to cheer me up with jokes.

I loved Jude for that, I didn't need him to be different. But somehow, I felt more comfortable telling him what had happened than my parents. Perhaps, I was afraid of what Dad had to say. Afraid that he would say that I hadn't given Zephaniah enough space when it came to his autism, or something like that.

"Well, not if you don't let me go!" I exclaimed, trying to fight him off. Much to my surprise, Jude let go right away, his hazel eyes questionable as he crossed his legs and looked at me.

"What's up, Have?" He asked, his eyes falling onto Cookie, who was still giving birth.

"I like Zephaniah. I impressed him with my clothes, so, got you back with that. He thought they were pretty artsy." I let out a half- heartedly chuckle, my smile fading right after. "I think I've been liking him for a very long time, Jude. I can't recall when it had happened, but I think I never denied it. My feelings grew so fast. I think they were already present when Mum had that High Tea thingy here. Remember that? He's so sweet and genuine. Anyway, Amsterdam was sick. Truly, oh, Jude if you ever go there, you really need to try the Stroopwafels! They're so-"

"Have, back to the point." Jude nudged my arm, but his face stood much softer than usually, when he would groan dramatically when I would ramble.

"Right." Sighing deeply, I watched how Cookie licked her babies. Did my feelings really sink that deep that even her giving birth wasn't that important anymore? "I spent all of my time with him, basically. My other peers are just.. not my type. I had so much fun, seriously. He's the sweetest, most genuine and funniest boy I've ever met-"

"Thought that was me." Jude pouted, making me roll my eyes in amusement.

"Stop cutting me off if you want me to go on!" I laughed a little, but it faded right after. "Anyway, these thoughts killed me. I really needed to get it off my chest and I thought he wouldn't like me because he's autistic, yeah? Meaning I wouldn't know if he even wants to like girls or how he experiences things like that. I confessed, he confessed that he liked me too. I was so happy. We hugged and we kissed. It's so great, sometimes he doesn't like physical contact and now it was just.. so natural. But after one or two days, he had seizures at night and told me it was too overwhelming for him and that he wanted it to stop, so.. it's just hurtful."

Jude was quiet for a while, he was nibbling onto his bottom lip, staring at the guinea pigs. "Guinea pigs are so ugly."

Smiling sadly, a deep breath left my mouth, I stared at them. I knew Jude needed to think of something to say- I didn't mind. Jonah had talked to me about it too.

"I'm sorry, Have." Jude gave me a sympathetic smile, his eyes falling on me. "I know I joke about stuff a lot but.. I know how painful it can be." I nodded, recalling he was in love with this girl at some point, but she took off with another guy.

"What did you do to soften the pain?" I frowned a little, realising Jonah couldn't have helped me on this aspect- Sarah had never rejected him and I hadn't asked him about it.

Jude laughed a little, "Cry like a little baby around Mum's side when you guys weren't home." He ran his fingers through his sleep hair, swallowing. "I don't know. It's just something you have to accept, I guess. And I know that things fall into place eventually, just not always at the time you would've wanted it to happen. I know I'll meet someone again that will, probably, fit me even more than she did. It's okay. I'm content with it now. Everything just needs time."

"But I don't want it to be someone else. I want him." I mumbled out, feeling sad.

"If he said he needs time to figure stuff out, he might be it, Have. You just don't know. Dwelling on it is easy, but not for your feelings. You've got to try to accept it and go further and just let things happen the way they do, even if you long for him to be that specific guy." Jude pulled up his knees, resting his arms on it- his chin on top of that. "You can pray about it too. That's what I've done. God truly helped me feel okay about it, gave me hope that someone better for me would come. Also, you're eighteen, Have. Live a little, you're still young."

"Maybe it helps too if you look at it from the other side. He was feeling overwhelmed, right? Look, I know nothing about autism, but maybe if you look through his eyes it will be more understandable? As in.. what if you forced him into a relationship, maybe he would have agreed for you but would have killed him from the inside because he couldn't handle it, know what I mean? It would only turn out even nastier."

Looking up at Jude, I suddenly felt my heart swell for a brief moment. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I hugged him close, pecking his cheek. "I love you, Judey."

"Shut up, I hate you." Jude pushed me off him, groaning. "Also, congrats on being a Mama. I'll make sure to give you a present later."

"Thank you." I chuckled, feeling content about our conversation. I watched the guinea pigs in awe for a moment long.

"I'm going back to sleep." Jude stretched his legs as he stood up, pulling up his joggers. "Bye, dipshit."

Rolling my eyes, I watched him as he stepped up the stairs. "I'm remembering what you said about you crying your eyes out beside Mum."

"I hate you."

Laughing softly, I thought about his words for a while. He was right. Zephaniah had finally admitted his border- a massive achievement. I didn't want him to ruin himself just for my pleasure, for my desires. I knew it needed to be like this for him, but I still couldn't deny the pain.

Glancing at the clock, I realised I needed to hurry if I wanted to be on time for my first lecture. Stepping into my Dr. Marten boots, I wrapped myself in a coat and took another look at the guinea pigs, texting Mum if she could check up on them after she would be home. They seemed great to me, making me feel relieved.

Closing the door, I locked it as Jude slept, and walked over to my car, starting it. The old radio cracked instantly, the windows fogging up due to the slight cold outside, the warmth of me. It took ages for me to get a clear view through it, so once I was off, I was in a haste.

The door from the lecture hall was closed already, making me sigh deeply. Knocking, I opened it before somebody had answered. The professor we had for the lecture didn't look pleased with my late arrival, I simply apologised and explained him about my guinea pigs.

He had looked as if he didn't believe me, but why would I lie about it?

Scanning the area, I saw Tara and Norah, Luke, Abel and Louis, but no Zephaniah. It confused me, I tried to look around better but once I had scanned every occupied seat- I came to the conclusion that he wasn't here.

Walking up to the row my peers were sitting on, I received several glares from Luke, Tara and Norah. Abel simply smiled at me and removed his backpack from the seat beside him, giving me the space to sit.

"Hi, Have. Still tired from Amsterdam?" He questioned, I smiled at him. At least somebody had become nice throughout the first months.

"Yeah, surely am. Are you?" Once he had nodded, our conversation had died down, the six of us focusing on the lecture instead. Except, my thoughts went to Zephaniah for the hundredth time this day already.

Where was he? Was he okay?

I wanted to ask Tara, but she seemed to be angry with me.

When the lecture was over, I saw how the five of them left, none of them looking behind if I was following. I kept standing still, wondering where to go, suddenly feeling how Zephaniah must've felt all the time.

I knew they had turned their backs to me because of Zephaniah and I and I couldn't help but wonder what Tara had told them. No war, Have.

His words lingered in my mind, I felt extremely sad.

The library was my little escape, and once I was near- I realised I would see Hannah and could question about it. It was safer than Tara, much safer. Entering the refreshing place, I searched for her- but the elder woman stood behind the counter instead.

Frowning, I walked around the area for a while, deciding to just ask her. Walking up to the desk, I waited for my turn. "Good morning.. I was wondering if Mrs. Hannah was here today?"

"No, dear. She's on maternity leave." The woman replied, looking thoughtful. "You didn't ramble, neither exclaimed way too happily, is everything alright, my darling?"

Was it that visible?

"I'm fine, thank you." I answered quickly, frowning when I thought about Zephaniah's mother. "Oh, when is she due?"

"Four weeks, I suppose, darling. So don't worry, she will be back quicker than you think." She laughed, turning her attention to the student behind me that wanted to hand in some books.

"Great." I sighed, my options gone. I couldn't text him- I promised to give him the needed space.

I was worried, and I was screwed.

~~~

Sweet Haven. Do you understand her feelings?

Her relationship with her brother Jude? I love himm.

Zephaniah not being at uni?? Hannah?

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