(Trigger Warning: I put a list in about what's "wrong" with him. I don't think that any of those things are bad, you can't control them. I just tried to get in the brain of people who think like that.)

I don't get the feeling of reassurance anymore and I've been pushing everyone who cares away at an alarming rate.

I was discharged from the hospital a week ago.

Mentally everything is going downhill but in real life everything is great, my life is great.

I'm not being bullied as much anymore.

I'm not being abused.

Nothing has happened to make me suicidal, depressed or anxious.

My life is almost perfect.

Maybe that's a part of the problem, I can't live in perfection, have you seen me?

1) I'm ugly
2) I'm fat
3) I'm mentally ill
4) I'm just locking myself up in my torturous brain
5) I'm gay
6) I hate myself

What a great list.

Other than that Life is great, everything that made me extremely suicidal in the first place is stopping and my life is just getting really good.

Mentally I'm fucked, it's like having the scar from the wound somehow still dragging you down.

I can't get away from my thoughts.

I can't shut my brain up without ending my life.

Medication doesn't work.

Nothing and no one is helping me anymore.

I just hate myself too much, I'm too deep in this cycle to get help.

Josh was pushed far away, the farthest.

Yes, he helped me.

Yes, I love him.

Yes, I'm an idiot.

I can't have him breaking down my walls, he's the only one that can do it in a second.
No one else cares as much as he does.

No one else understands like he does.

That only gives me more reasons to keep him far away from me.

I love him and maybe if I keep this up he'll end up hating me almost as much as I hate myself.

Maybe then he'll move on and finally be happy with anyone but me.

I'll miss him.

(A/N)

How conversations should go when I say stuff like that.