Chapter 40 : Affection

Ruhaani had learned how to manage feelings. She always knew grief to be one of the most intense feelings. Grief was all consuming. It was like a burning wax candle. Slow, painful and ruining.

Nonetheless, Ruhaani had learned how to be immune to it. She knew the numbing pain of loss of a loved one. She had lost people who were her family, her parents first and her husband later.

Grief was an emotion she knew to well. No emotion could be messier, more all-consuming and more disturbing than grief. Or so she had thought up until now.

The feelings she had begun to feel around Aadarsh were just as messy, consuming and drowning. Those feelings sat stubbornly in the centre of her being. No matter how hard she tried to shove it away, she failed.

Those newfound feelings made her do stupid things. Like keeping hope of something better, like craving for every tiny bit of acknowledgment and validation she got from him. Like fooling herself to think she knew him better than anyone else did.

Every time Aadarsh's eyes would search for her, her heart would jump up with a strange satisfaction. Every time Aadarsh turned away from her, a dull uneasiness took over her.

She tried reasoning with her insanity. Aadarsh loved someone else. Someone prettier. Someone who made the most beautiful smile play on his lips. Someone whose absence had sucked out the best parts of him.

Someone he probably still loved.

Aadarsh might be her husband, but wasn't her companion. He may talk to her nicely for a bit, but that didn't mean he liked her the way she liked him. He may be concerned about her wellbeing, but it wasn't because he felt the same way she felt for him; it was merely a responsibility. They may have a marriage but they hardly had a relationship.

They were just two people who fit into each other's life well, who made each other's life better. Them being together meant the people they loved got the best. It didn't mean anything more than that.

Starting to harbour feelings for him was sheer stupidity and recklessness. Ruhaani knew that. She should have set things right. She should have managed her feelings.

That's where she failed. She couldn't manage what she felt for him. The feelings were so damn powerful, so damn consuming.

Thus, here she was, in a dark room meekly lit up with the early blue light of dawn watching him sleep. The first thing she thought about as soon as she was awake, was him.

His mouth blowing air softly into her eyes to soothe them. His hand holding hers every time he thought there was a chance she may need support. His arms saving her from every minor trip and fall. His eyes looking at her like. . . he felt all those emotions she felt. His firm lips kissing her cheeks softly.

Her heart felt so full, yet so empty. She wanted to scoot over and slip her arms around him. She ached to be in his arms. She wanted to caress his cheek and run her hand over his head. She wanted to be more than a namesake wife. She wanted to be something more.

She longed for affection, his affection.

Ruhaani had very soon in life understood that no one would love her. There was no one in the world who'd give her all the love and care she had missed out on. It had taken years but she had accepted her fate. She had learned how to not long for that gentle feeling—affection, from anyone.

However years later here she was, desperate for tenderness that came from him. This was not a good sign. She had longed for this affection and sought it from Harsh too. She wanted him to love her. However her hope had been destroyed, her heart shattered and her life deprived of all bright colors and rosy feelings, all too soon. What looked promising to be a bed of rose petals turned out to be a grave of thorns.

She was headed to a doom again. She should have chosen to protect herself. Yet, her heart wanted to choose him. She didn't know when Aadarsh—the man who was a walking red flag, who annoyed her at the drop of hat, who hardly cared for what he had with her— had become so important in her life. She had no knowledge about why or how she had brewed feelings for him. They were just simply there.

***

Aadarsh stared at himself in the mirror while buttoning up his white shirt. His life was a mess.

At work, the tender they so badly wanted was seemingly becoming harder to grab.

At home, a storm had hit. Abhi was probably still mad at him. Yes, he and his brother had a fair share of fights, difference of opinions and fallouts. But this one seemed graver than anything before.

Ashvi was beginning to worry him too. She had to be home after three hours the previous day, but returned home after seven hours. That was after going to someplace he didn't know about yet.

Yes, she was an adult and could take her decisions. But as a brother and well-wisher, he knew her choices would take her to a doom. He knew that Ashvi lacked maturity. She was easy to influence, adamant and had little vision to see the far future.

He was scared she'd make a mess out of her life, if she got full control. Perhaps if she had grown up in the shadow of his mother, she would be more mature, more responsible and not so impulsive.

He wondered if Ashvi knew about the events of the previous day. If she did, which he was almost sure she would by now, then she would side with Abhi. She almost always did. Abhi and Ashvi fought on the most trivial matters but they would simply keep each other's side if either of them was against someone. Aadarsh was still unsure if that was healthy or messed up, but that's how Abhi and Ashvi functioned.

To add to his load, there was Vasant Sehgal and his stupid modus operandi to question his ownership of the company, and thereby all his following decisions. He had to act fast. He had to prepare his legal team for an ugly battle. Vasant Sehgal had poked and instigated a sleeping lion, he better be prepared for what was coming at him, cause he wasn't planning to go easy on the man or his family. He would make sure they'd regret coming to his house to attempt to crack his relations with his family.

He owed an apology to Badi Bua too. Badi Bua and Phupha Ji had always been by his side through thick and thin. They were there for his siblings and him when his mother passed away. Badi Bua had always gone lengths to make them all feel they had a mother figure they could reach out to. She had always treated them all like her own children.

She's the closest you have to a mother figure in your life. You hurt her also today.

And then there was Ruhaani.

Aadarsh sighed dropping his hands to his side after setting his collar. He turned to his left, staring at the spot where they had been standing last night when he had kissed her cheek.

He didn't know whether to be happy, he hadn't done anything beyond that or be mad at himself for even getting so close as to kiss her cheek.

The last time he had kissed her on the cheek it was playful, it was just to tease her. But last night was clearly more than that. He remembered everything about the last night, down to every tiny detail.

The conversation, him holding her hand, them coming close when she tripped, their almost kiss on the terrace. If Ruhaani hadn't backed off in time last night, they would have been at a point of no repair.

The prospect of being closer to Ruhaani freaked him out. He didn't want to repeat mistakes he had made in the past. Plus, he had an inkling that Ruhaani was beginning to have expectations from him. He couldn't let that happen. He had to draw the line and Ruhaani had to stop there. For her own good. The closer she'd come to him, the deeper the pain of heartbreak would be. He wouldn't budge. He was going to stick to his plan. Ruhaani was his wife, he'd give her everything she wanted but himself.

***

Ruhaani was bringing out the dish of curd from the kitchen when her daughter stood before her with comb in her tiny hand.

"Make my hair,"

"Shona, wait for five minutes. Let mumma set the table with food then..."

"Come here, Pari. I will make your hair." Abhi's voice made Ruhaani switch her gaze from her daughter's face to his.

"You don't know how to comb my hair," Pari said.

"Arey, your Chaachu knows everything. Come on here," Abhi called her, settling on the chair at the other end of the table farthest from where Aadarsh usually sat.

"This is my mumma's place." Pari spoke, seeing Abhi take the new place on the table.

"Your mumma, will sit with your Papa, there," he pointed to the chair adjacent to the one where Aadarsh sat, his usual spot.

Ruhaani shook her head. Abhi at many instances behaved like the most childish person in the house.

"How was the party?" They heard Aadarsh's voice and looked up. He had just descended the steps with Ashvi.

"it was good,"

"Must have been, you came home pretty late I heard."

Ashvi said nothing to that and settled on her usual place. "Good morning Bhai!"

Abhi smiled at her and then turned back to Pari. "Okay, let's..."

Pari ran off to her father before that.

"Good morning, Pari!" Aadarsh said carrying her into his arms at once and kissed her cheek.

She quickly kissed his cheek back muttering a quick good morning before getting to her agenda. "Make my hair," she said handing him the comb.

Aadarsh nodded. He pulled the chair at the head of the table and made her stand on it. He began combing her hair.

Ruhaani couldn't help but cherish the feeling of warmth that spread out in her chest. She watched them while setting up the plates. Pari making requests and Aadarsh adhering to them all was the most heart-warming thing ever.

"Good morning," she said, as she reached closer to his place, to set the plates. She wondered if the kiss last night was just as big to him as it was to her. It was meaningful, it was very intimate even if it was just a peck on the cheek.

"Morning," he muttered giving her a brief look before turning back to Pari.

Ruhaani walked back to the kitchen. The breakfast was an unusually quiet affair. No one spoke except Pari and Abhi occasionally answering her stupid questions. Mukti and Nirvan were both completing an assignment Ruhaani had given them. They were barely prepared for their exam which was on the following day.

"Are you going to office today?" Dai Jaan enquired towards the end of the breakfast.

"Yes, I have some work to attend to." He answered.

Ruhaani now understood why he was dressed in his formals on a Sunday. She sat right next to him but he barely even looked at her.

Aadarsh got up from his place, once he was done with breakfast. He muttered a quick goodbye, addressed to no one in particular. Then walked around the table to Pari's chair. He placed a chaste kiss on her forehead asking her to be a good girl and not to trouble anyone.

"Bring me lollipop, the pink and white one."

He smiled and replied, "I will. Bye!"

"Bye!"

Ruhaani quickly excused herself and followed him out of the house. Calling a person leaving the house from behind was considered inauspicious for some reason. She wasn't really superstitious but she preferred avoiding it. So, she sprinted past him and stood before him, halting his steps.

"What's wrong with you?" He exclaimed slightly surprised, almost about to collide with her.

"We need to talk."

"Ruhaani, I don't have time for your talk. I have a really important meeting in an hour."

"That's not important now!" She spoke up. "You didn't even acknowledge Abhi's presence or for that matter Shelly Bua."

Aadarsh sighed, looking aside and then turned back to her. "It's not like he acknowledged my presence. So, why don't you go and knock some sense into his immature brain."

"You're being rude."

"Oh, so is changing your seat to sit far away from someone just to avoid them mature?" He asked her, narrowing his gaze at her.

"Aadarsh, you were wrong too. Abhi is a bit dramatic and we both know that. But you are not. So you initiate the talk. Like amongst the two of us, I always initiate difficult conversations because you are the not so mature one."

Aadarsh's jaw muscles tightened. "If you're done insulting me, I need to leave." Saying that he stepped aside to walk forward but she blocked his way again.

"I am not insulting you Aadarsh." Ruhaani sighed. "Look, fix it. Sometimes it becomes too late, and the wounds deepen. The best time to fix the crack is now, not when it deepens and breaks something into two."

Aadarsh stared at her. He hated that she was right in a way. But no, he needed Abhi to realize that he was wrong. He wasn't going to let Abhi take him for granted.

"Ruhaani, you need to stop interfering. It's between me and him. We'll sort it out."

Ruhaani blinked. He was always rude, so she didn't know why his words pinched hard now. However she let it slide.

"He's hurting more than he shows, Aadarsh. And you're the only one who can help him. You both have unaddressed issues. I understand that your ego doesn't allow you to explain yourself, or bend first. And that's exactly why I am telling you to keep your ego aside and talk to him."

Aadarsh continued to stare at her. Her words annoyed him.

"Are you done?" He asked nonchalantly.

"Aadarsh, I am just trying to..."

"Don't!" He snapped. "Now is not the time to give me a lecture. I have a hundred better things to get done than listen to your lecture. You think I don't know how to deal with my brother? I have known him all his life. I know how he functions. I know how he processes his feelings. I know how to fix things between us. You just know him for over three months. You are not supposed to tell me what to do Ruhaani. Just do your thing. Leave me alone."

Ruhaani stared at him, gulping the lump of emotions in her throat. He walked past her leaving her alone.

Perhaps he was right. She was being stupid, trying to fix everything for him. Tears stung her eyes. Maybe a few more harsh words from him and she'll be over these stupid feelings she had begun to hold for him.

Aadarsh instructed the driver to drive to Devashish's apartment. He sat behind thinking about Ruhaani. He fisted his hand on his lap and looked outside. He knew this wasn't fair to her. He could have conveyed his point in a more polite manner. However, he had to push her back. He couldn't let her think that every time he was in crisis she had to come trying to save and support him. He didn't need her. He needed nobody.

He restlessly shifted in his seat. He shouldn't feel so guilty. He did what he had to. Last night, he was weak. Ruhaani had seen the shadow of his vulnerability. He would never let her that close again. He would put an ocean between them if necessary.

***

A week had gone by in a blink. There was thick tension in the household. No one spoke to him. Abhi and Shelly Bua gave him silent treatment. Ashvi and Ruhaani only spoke if it was necessary. They kept to themselves, mostly. Ruhaani was busy with her work and then the twins' exams.

Aadarsh had enough work on his plate to deal with the situation at home. They had managed to win the bid. His legal team was prepared to see Vasant Sehgal in court. It turned out that Vasant had got information about what had happened through a caretaker who worked in their house when his mother had passed away. Devashish had taken care of that matter. Not only that, they had enough dirt on Laksh Sehgal to use as leverage if situation demanded.

Everything was finally falling into place, except the things at home.

Ashvi and Shelly Bua would go back to normal if he and Abhi fixed their issues. However, from what he learned from Dai Jaan, Abhi had been going to meet their father every single day since their argument. He wondered if it was really something he could fix quickly.

And then there was Ruhaani. She refused to talk to him, there was nothing other than basic communication between them.

Aadarsh had been in a very relaxed mood as he entered the room on the Friday evening. Work stress had been reset to zero. Surprisingly he found Ruhaani in the room, on the recliner. She was almost always with the twins in the evening, making them study for the exams.

Perhaps she was relaxed because it was Friday. She sat curled up and read from her kindle device. Her eyes looked up very briefly to look who had entered the room and then went back to reading.

"So, how long do you plan to ignore me?" He spoke up sitting on the bed, getting rid of his socks. No response.

"Isn't a 'we-need-to-talk' overdue now?" He spoke up turning to look at her over his shoulder. No response.

"Fine, suit yourself." He muttered picking up the socks and moving to the closet.

Aadarsh returned some time back changed into a pair of joggers and a plain royal blue t-shirt. He walked over to the recliner and stood beside the armrest folding his arms, looking down at her.

"What?" She muttered looking up at him.

"Talk to me."

"I have better things to do right now, than talk to you." She gave a fitting reply and went back to reading.

The next time you decide to be immature and ignore me, I won't initiate a truce.

Ruhaani's words from the last time they gave ended their silent treatment to each other, echoed in his ears. Maybe she was sticking to her words.

"I am being the mature one and initiating a difficult conversation." He spoke up, carefully choosing his words.

"Wow, congratulations on your achievement!" Ruhaani remarked her voice laced with heavy sarcasm not bothering to look up.

"FINE." He said looking around the room. "Be immature!" He added and turned around to walk away. That should have triggered her. He walked over to the nightstand and plugged his phone into the charger. His gaze darting back to her. She showed no irritation or any emotion for that matter.

He settled on the bed, holding his phone. "Where's Pari?" He asked after a few minutes passed.

"Park"

"Nirvan?"

"Park,

"Mukti?"

"Park.

"Your maturity?"

"PA..." She raised his gaze to look across the room at him.

"Park?" He questioned, with amusement in his eyes and a eyebrow arched up smugly.

She rolled her eyes and got off the recliner. She was surprised he made an attempt to talk out of their silent treatment. She was almost giving up on the hope that he would. But she wasn't going to make it easy. He had to apologize. Period.

"What's for dinner?"

"Go check for yourself," she answered placing the kindle device back in the drawer of her nightstand. His gaze followed her until she went out of the room.

"Rude!" He muttered. He decided to tackle Abhi first. He made his way into his room to realize he wasn't home yet. He then checked Ashvi's room, she wasn't home either.

Finally he made his way to the kitchen. "Where's everybody?"

"Dai Jaan and Abhi, park. Ashvi's gone out for a movie with her friends."

"And who are these friends?"

"You would know if you speak to her like a brother should, like Abhi does." She answered, putting the pot of rice on the stove.

Annoyed, Aadarsh walked up to her and stood so close to her that her shoulder almost touched his chest.

"We need to talk." His voice was even and his gaze steady on her.

"I don't want to, Aadarsh." Saying that she turned the flame to low and walked over to the other counter to retrieve the jar of cumin seeds.

He blocked her way when she turned. His either arm reached the kitchen counter, trapping her between himself and the counter. Ruhaani was forced to meet his gaze.

"I was out of line the other day, I apologize. But in my defence, you were being annoying."

"Excellent explanation. Move." Ruhaani commanded.

"I won't until we settle this." His voice was suddenly low, his piercing gaze had now softened.

"Aadarsh," she uttered and then abruptly paused, looking aside. She hated how she was actually feeling. It felt nice to have him make the move to resolve issues between them. It was nice to have him so close, with all his attention on her. But like every freaking time, it sprouted hope.

She felt pity for herself. She couldn't possibly like a man like him. She was the same person who got angry when in books a woman fell for a man who was like him— rude, full of himself and recklessly self-centred.

"What do you want?" She asked letting out a sharp exhale, turning to look back at him.

Aadarsh blinked. What did he want? He didn't have a ready answer to give. He wanted her to go back to talking to him. He wanted her to be normal around him. He hated the unusual silence that mushroomed around them.

"I want to apologize, for the other day."

"Fine, apology accepted."

He stared at her unconvinced. It didn't seem genuine. He wanted more than that.

"You're blocking my way," she said looking at him with hesitation. She hated how his proximity felt both right and wrong at the same time.

He stepped back and cleared her way. Ruhaani went back to the other counter.

"Did you talk to Abhi?" He asked, picking up an apple from the fruit basket.

"About?" She asked, putting aside on the pot of rice.

"Me... and whatever happened the other day."

"Hmm, he's waiting for you to come around."

"I will talk to him," he spoke.

She didn't respond to that. She went about doing whatever she had to. Only when she was about to leave the kitchen she turned to look at him while he ate the apple.

"You don't have to apologize to me, so that you can get information from me. Apologize only when you mean it. Not just when it's for me...for anyone. Apologize only when you mean it."

Aadarsh stared at her for a few seconds. She turned around to leave.

"I meant it." He said aloud.

"Of course, you did!" She muttered making her way out.

Aadarsh placed the half eaten apple aside and walked after her. "What do you want me to do? Apologize on a freaking stamp paper?" He spoke aloud, holding her hand.

She turned around sharply. "No, Aadarsh. I just want you to apologize like you mean it. It's a feedback. Don't apologize to tick it off your to-do list. Apologize only when you mean it. As it is, I believe you have many apologies to send out. May help you."

Aadarsh's patience snapped. He tugged at her hand and stepped closer to her. "What makes you believe I don't mean it?"

"Because you never do Aadarsh. We just go around in circles. You say something you shouldn't and then act like it wasn't your fault. Then apologize like you are forced to do it. It's a freaking pattern."

Aadarsh had her gaze pinned to hers. "I am not perfect Ruhaani. At least I don't go around passing judgements."

"I am not judging you." She replied fiercely.

"Oh, please, you are. What is this really about? Maybe whatever happened on Holi has changed your perspective about me." He loosened his grip around her arm.

"I wouldn't be standing here, still trying to talk to you if that were the case." She replied back instantly.

Aadarsh's gaze began to soften.

"Aadarsh, your past is in the past. I don't know who you were then, I don't know what you went through, I know nothing. I am not going to question you or judge you for it. But, I am a part of your present. And, I know what your family means to you. So, this isn't about anything except your behaviour with me."

Aadarsh took deep breaths. The irritation had dissipated. He held her hand again, slowly and gently. He lowered his gaze to her hand momentarily and then looked back into her eyes. "Trust me, I am sorry for snapping the other day. I don't apologize for something I am not guilty about. There's no way I can make you believe this apology is genuine."

Ruhaani had melted. He could have asked her for the world and she would have given it to him. Forgiveness was a little thing. She knew, she had been wrong too.

She had been foolish to stop him and give him unsolicited advice when he had to be in a meeting scheduled on a Sunday morning. In retrospect, she regretted it. Of course he knew what he was doing. They had simply stretched a petty matter way too much.

"Apology accepted." She spoke up.

Hint of a smile grazed Aadarsh's lips. "So, you mean it this time?" He asked, his face leaning closer to hers.

"Yes, I mean it." She answered, her voice barely above a whisper.

He took his lips closer to her ears. He shouldn't be doing this. However, he couldn't resist the temptation. Not after so many days of not teasing her.

"Good," he whispered. His lips shy of an inch from her jaw. He pulled back from her before he gave into the temptation to do something inappropriate. As his gaze slowly caressed every inch of her face, he spotted the tiny hair from her eyelashes on her cheek bone.

"You have a wish," he said in a low rasp. His two fingers touched her cheeks right above the bone to pick the eyelash. His left hand that was holding her right hand raised her hand up between them.

Ruhaani breathlessly watched him. It was as thought a swarm of butterflies had been released in her stomach. She felt heat on her cheeks deepen when his gaze caught her again.

"you... you believe in this?" She stuttered.

"I don't." He answered, eyeing the tiny hair that he had placed on the back of her hand.

"I don't either." She whispered.

His gaze locked with hers. "It's not a big deal. Make a wish. Maybe this one comes true. You never know."

She lowered her gaze to the hair from her eyelash. She didn't want to wish on it. It would give her hope. People always said that one mustn't lose hope, one must hold on to it. But they never accounted for the scars holding on to hope left behind. It was like holding onto a rough rope that was constantly being tugged at.

But she made a wish in that moment.

She opened her eyes to find him gazing at her. She stretched her arm away and then blew the hair off the back of her hand.

"Wished for your cooking skills to become better huh?" He teased.

"Nope. Wished for you to become better at apologizing." She deadpanned.

Aadarsh rolled his eyes. Before he could answer a voice made them both turn towards itself.

"Forgot the way to your room or too far?" Shelly Bua spoke up.

They looked back at each other and realized how close they were standing. Ruhaani hadn't even realized when both his hands had settled on either side of her hips. Ruhaani stepped away, looking anywhere but at him.

"I need to turn off the gas." She said and rushed towards the kitchen.

Aadarsh turned to his aunt. "The room was too far." He spoke casually before walking away to the sofa, a smile playing on his lips.

Ruhaani reached the kitchen and finally took in a deep breath. She pressed her hands on her cheeks that felt very warm. She smiled to herself. Somehow she felt lighter than she had felt in days.

She didn't know if the wish would come true. It did not matter if it didn't because she would pray for the same thing.

His happiness.

• — • — •

Apologies for the delay.

Hope you enjoyed reading this chapter.

Next : Tuesday 

Don't forget to vote ☆ on the chapters.

—Anami!♡