A/N: uh, yeah, probably (definitely) don't read this if you ship captainswan

based on requiem from Dear Evan Hansen (audio is in the multi-media)

and just a warning: this got a lot darker than I expected it to get oops, so tw for abuse

~

Why should I play this game of pretend,
Remembering through a secondhand sorrow?

Emma's ceiling hadn't changed at all in the past hour. She didn't expect it to, but if it had changed, she would have seen because she hadn't stopped staring at it. Her blonde hair was spread out around her head and her hands were wrapped around the ring Killian had given her.

He'd said he was a survivor. But maybe it was just the ring that was keeping him alive. In a world of magic and fairytales, anything could be true, it seemed.

For as long as Emma had been staring at the ceiling, no tears had fallen from her eyes. Maybe she had run out of tears while still clinging to Killian as he died in her arms, or maybe her body was too tired to force more tears to fall. Or maybe there was something deep inside telling Emma she didn't need to cry.

"Such a great son and wonderful friend"
Oh, don't the tears just pour?

Emma remained silent all through the funeral the next day. Others spoke about Killian, but not Emma. No one pushed her into it because they assumed she was too upset to talk. Snow spoke for Emma, reading a speech she, David, Regina, and Henry had written, hoping it sounded like how Emma would speak of Hook. Robin spoke about being his friend despite the fact that they weren't ever very close. Regina said a bit about knowing him back in the Enchanted Forest, but the two had never been on very good terms, so she didn't have too much to say.

What Emma heard was not a bunch of thought out speeches of kind words like everyone else heard. All she heard was what sounded like essays, written about a topic no one cared about so they had just made it up and hoped for a good grade.

She didn't cry through the funeral, and she didn't say a single word.

I could curl up and hide in my room
There in my bed still sobbing tomorrow

Emma hung up her coat and trudged up to her bedroom. She sat down on her bed and stared straight ahead, her eyes not really focusing on anything. She was half-expecting someone to come knocking on her door within the hour, making sure she was okay. Maybe it would be Regina or maybe it would be her parents. Either way, it wouldn't really matter.

They would expect that she was crying, curled up in a fetal position, wondering why she should carry on. Part of Emma wanted to do exactly that, but she couldn't make herself. She couldn't make herself do what everyone expected.

I could give in to all of the gloom
But tell me, tell me what for?

The black shirt came off and fell onto Emma's bed, leaving the blonde in only her tank top. She traced the outline of the fading bruise on her left forearm, wincing whenever she accidentally put too much pressure on it. Emma knew it would disappear in a few days, but not all of the marks would go away over time.

The blonde made her way from the bedroom to the bathroom, her face remaining expressionless. She was numb without Killian there, it seemed. Was he the reason she was able to feel? Did she need him in order for her emotions to work? Was that even possible?

Emma grimaced as she climbed into the shower, the hot water stinging her. She took a deep breath, almost expecting to start crying. But no. Why should she mourn Killian's death after what he did to her?

Why should I have a heavy heart?

The cuts on Emma's legs began to sting from the soap and water. But Emma embraced the pain, because it meant they were being cleansed. She was washing away all evidence of Killian.

Why should I start to break in pieces?

As the water ran over Emma's body, cleaning her, she wished she could clean her mind too. But in her experience, that was impossible. No amount of alcohol or running from your feelings could do anything. There was no way to cover the mental abuse with another emotion. It was the same when she felt betrayed by Neal. There was nothing she could do to erase the betrayal and now there was nothing she could do to erase the pain.

Why should I go and fall apart for you?

As Emma stepped out of the shower, her face finally showed one emotion: determination. She was determined to somehow move on and leave Hook in the past, where he belonged. He was gone and Emma could finally start over.

Why should I play the grieving girl and lie,
Saying that I miss you
And that my world has gone dark without your light?

The next evening was the first time Emma was seen out of her house since Killian's death apart from the funeral. And the first words she spoke were, "One hot cocoa with cinnamon please."

Granny nodded and immediately turned to prepare Emma's order. Emma sat down on one of the bar stools, playing with the ribbon on the sleeve of her bold red coat. She knew wearing this coat would attract attention, but red was the color that made her feel like herself. Red was the color that meant freedom.

It wasn't long before Granny sat the cocoa down in front of Emma, who muttered a quiet, "thank you," before raising the hot drink to her mouth. She didn't mind the burning sensation when she took a sip. She'd learned that if she didn't start drinking a cup of steaming hot cocoa right away, she would take too long and the cocoa would get too cold. She could, of course, heat it up in the microwave. But it was never quite the same.

Emma's cup of hot cocoa was nearly empty when Regina sat down next to her. Instead of looking at the brunette, Emma looked around the restaurant, expecting to see Robin or Henry or even her parents. But it seemed that Regina had come alone.

"One coffee. Black, please," Regina requested. Granny nodded, not needing further directions. After twenty-eight years under a curse, she'd memorized all of the regular orders easily. Regina then faced the blonde woman on her right. "Good evening, Miss Swan."

Emma knew Regina was trying to treat her with caution while still acting normal. It was too easy to read her. Emma only looked at Regina, letting her know she was analyzing her greeting, before turning back to her cocoa.

Regina sighed. "How are you?" She asked, letting her concern weave its way into her voice.

Emma shrugged in response, but it was an improvement from the last time.

"Emma..." Regina set a hand on her friend's shoulder and Emma winced, trying not to make it obvious she was in pain. But Regina noticed. "Emma?"

"I have to go." Emma got up too quickly and nearly knocked her cup over. She didn't spare a glance back at Regina as she walked out of the restaurant briskly.

"Here," Regina handed Granny money for both her coffee and Emma's cocoa before following Emma outside, coffee in hand. But instead of following her friend, Regina went the other direction.

I will sing no requiem tonight

Emma was back where she started, staring up at her ceiling while laying on her couch. Killian's ring was back in her hands and the tears were refusing to fall. Could Killian really be as bad as Emma was making him out to be at the moment? Maybe the others who spoke at the funeral were right. Maybe he was a hero and all the other good thing they said.

"No," Emma whispered aloud. He voice was rough because she hadn't been speaking much. "No," she said again, this time louder and more sure of herself. She sat up and the ring tumbled out of her hands.

"I will not mourn you after what you did to me," she said as if Hook were standing there across from her. "I will not sing you to sleep."

I gave you the world, you threw it away
Leaving these broken pieces behind you

Regina was afraid. Afraid for Emma.

"Why did she wince?" It was the third time she'd asked this in the past hour and Robin still didn't have an answer for her. "How did she get hurt?"

"Regina, please. I understand you're worried for her, but worrying won't help. So please, try to get some sleep," Robin said.

Regina looked up into the blue eyes of her soulmate. "I don't think I can. Robin, what if she's hurting herself? I know what it's like to lose someone you love and I know she can't be in a very good place mentally right now."

Robin nodded. "I know how it feels too. But I also know that--" Robin stopped, a thought suddenly occurring to him. Regina never drank coffee from Granny's. Except when... "Why did you go to Granny's?"

Regina froze. Why did she have a feeling Robin knew exactly why she went to Granny's? "Because, um..." There was no point in hiding the truth from Robin. Clearly he already knew. "Her trash coffee calms my nerves for some reason."

"You were already wound up, worrying about Emma, weren't you? Before you saw her at Granny's?" Robin had suspicions before the coffee incident, but this confirmed it.

"Yes," Regina admitted. "I know you told me she would need time by herself, and I agree, but it's been two days now, and she got hurt somehow, and I don't know what to do! I just want to help her be herself again." After a few seconds, Regina added in a quiet voice, "I miss the old Emma Swan."

Everything wasted, nothing to say
So I can sing no requiem

"She used to be so much like me, and I think that's why we hated each other," Regina was talking to herself more than Robin now, and Robin listened quietly. He knew Regina just needed someone to listen sometimes.

"She would have been a good mother to Henry, I think, if she hadn't given him up. She would have raised him well. I think Henry misses the old her too."

"Who is the 'old Emma Swan'?" Robin asked, curious to see if it was the same Emma he knew. He was developing a bad idea that he didn't want to share with Regina.

"She was the Savior. She was independent, but she would kill to save her friends, or even just if someone said something bad about them. She wouldn't let anyone walk over her. She was... she was everything I could want in a friend."

"She sounds wonderful."

"It's been so long since..." Regina's voice trailed off as her words got caught in her throat, "since I..." she frowned, unsure exactly what her thoughts meant, "...since I last saw her. Robin?"

"What is it, Milady?"

"You never really met the old Emma Swan, did you? She changed after New York." Regina thought back to just after Emma returned to Storybrooke after the Missing Year. Another realization hit her. "No. Not after New York. She was exactly the same after New York. It was after..." It was approximately three seconds before Regina stood up, making Robin jump. "It was him," she growled. "He did this."

"Regina--"

"Don't," Regina interrupted. "Hook did this to her. Screw the mourning, I'm going to figure out how to save Emma."

I hear your voice and feel you near
Within these words, I finally find you

Henry had become an expert at sneaking out. It was harder when he was at Regina's, but when he was with Mary Margaret and David, sneaking out was simple, especially after dark.

If Henry was a normal kid, he would have snuck out to meet Violet and they would walk under the stars and share a kiss in the moonlight. But Henry was far from normal and he definitely didn't want Violet coming with him where he was going. No one wanted to go on a date in a graveyard.

Henry kneeled in front of Hook's grave and studied the letters carved into the stone marking where his body lay beneath the earth. It was too good for a man like Killian Jones.

And now that I know that you are still here,
I will sing no requiem tonight

Henry had hardly seen Emma in the past few days, and that could only mean that she was still suffering even after Hook was gone. Henry knew something had been wrong with his mother ever since she started dating Hook, but Hook had found out that Henry knew something was up. And Hook made sure Henry never felt safe enough to tell anyone what he knew.

And now Hook was gone and Henry was still scared. Even from beyond the grave, Hook was torturing Emma and Henry both.

"I cannot mourn you," Henry said aloud to the gravestone across from him. "Not after how you hurt my mom and I both. I will never mourn your death."

With that, Henry rose and headed back to the Charmings' apartment.

Why should I have a heavy heart?

Emma looked at the person in the mirror, staring back at her. She looked almost...healthier. Of course, her eyes were still red from lack of sleep and she hadn't worn makeup in too long, but her skin was no longer almost sickly looking. Maybe it was because she wasn't the Dark One anymore, but Emma suspected it might also have something to do with the fact that Hook was no longer in her life - or anyone's.

Why should I say, 'I'll keep you with me'?

Emma picked up her hairbrush and ran it through her hair once. She repeated the action again and again, pulling at the knots until her hair looked nice. It wavier now, like it had been when Emma first arrived in Storybrooke. She didn't like when it was straight. She didn't quite feel like herself.

Why should I go and fall apart for you?

Emma's reflection now looked much more like the Emma she wanted to be. But an outside appearance could only do so much, and it didn't fix Emma's emotions. She still felt all wrong on the inside, but she couldn't figure out how to fix that. Maybe there wasn't a way to fix it.

Why should I play the grieving girl and lie,
Saying that I miss you
And that my world has gone dark without your light?

It was two in the morning when Emma knocked on the door of her parents' apartment. It was Henry who opened the door and as soon as Emma saw her son, she smiled her first smile since Hook's death. And to her surprise, it was a genuine smile, one she couldn't hold back.

"Henry," she whispered.

"Mom." Henry's voice cracked. He threw his arms around Emma, pulling her into a hug that both of them needed more than they knew.

"He's not here anymore," Emma told Henry as soon as they broke apart, reassuring herself as much as she was reassuring him.

Henry nodded. "I know. Are you..." Henry searched for the right words before he finally settled on, "...okay?"

"I don't know," Emma admitted. "I still don't feel...right."

"I know," Henry whispered. "Can we...?"

"Go home?" Emma supplied. Henry nodded.

"Of course. I'll leave a note for my parents saying that you're with me."

I will sing no requiem tonight

Emma was beginning to feel better now that Henry was in the house with her. Even though it was the middle of the night, they sat on the couch together, watching Disney movies and laughing at the inaccuracy of them. They made sure to stay away from Peter Pan.

For the first time, the two felt happy. They forgot about Hook and the after effects of him being in their lives. They forgot about how they were supposed to be in mourning over a man who hurt them both.

'Cause when the villains fall,
The kingdoms never weep
No one lights a candle to remember

The only way a Disney move ended was with the villain defeated. Emma had begun to think that was just another inaccuracy before Hook's death. But maybe that held true in her world too. The villains would always fall or they would truly become better.

Another common thread in Disney movies was the fact that no one mourned the villains. Sleeping Beauty and her fairies didn't shed a single tear over Maleficent's defeat. Snow White and her dwarves never wept over the Evil Queen. Mulan and the other soldiers celebrated the defeat of the Huns.

So why should Emma mourn her villain?

No, no one mourns at all
When they lay them down to sleep

Maybe Hook had fooled the others into mourning him after he was gone. Maybe he'd pulled a Severus Snape so everyone would think he was a good guy. But Emma was convinced she was right in her views.

She would not mourn Hook tonight or any other night. She would not cry over the loss of her villain.

So don't tell me that I didn't have it right
Don't tell me that it wasn't black and white

It was finally time to come clean. Emma's hands were shaking with fear. She was no longer afraid of Hook, but now of the aftermath. She was never good with the aftermath. Maybe that's why she had run so much.

She was planning on telling her parents first, so she planned to arrive at their apartment early in the morning after dropping Henry off with Belle for a few hours.

But just before she left, Regina barged into her house.

"Emma," Regina's plan was to speak directly and to the point, but her words caught in her throat after saying only the blonde's name. She ended up asking, "Why didn't you tell me?" in a broken-sounding voice.

"You found out?" Emma whispered. "How?"

"You weren't yourself," Regina explained. "I thought it was New York at first, but after I thought about it, I realized the signs were all there. I was just too wrapped up with my own problems to notice. I'm sorry."

Emma shook her head. "Please don't be. I was doing everything in my power to not let it show." The blonde stepped closer to her friend and pulled Regina into a hug. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything."

"Please don't be," Regina repeated Emma's request. "I know how scary it is. I know you feel like you can't do anything and you have no power."

Emma gave Regina a questioning look.

"Leopold," was all Regina managed before she couldn't say anymore.

"Oh, Regina..." The first tear fell from Emma's eye. It wasn't a tear of mourning for Hook. It was a tear of empathy for Regina.

After all you've put me through,
Don't say it wasn't true
That you were not the monster that I knew

"Mom?" Henry asked. It was the first time he had heard anything about Regina's marriage to Leopold being similar to Emma's relationship with Hook.

"Henry..." Regina rushed over to her son and brought him into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you."

Years ago, Henry would have pushed her away. But now, he hugged Regina back just as tightly. "I forgive you."

Regina let out a sob - whether it was of happiness or sadness or both, she wasn't sure - and looked Henry in the eye. "I love you."

"I love you too, Mom. And you too, other Mom."

Emma smiled through her tears and joined Henry and Regina. "Look at us, huh? We sure are a mess."

"All good families are messy," Henry pointed out.

"I like the way you think," Regina said. She and Emma pulled Henry into a double hug and for a moment, Hook and Leopold had never existed. For a moment, all the mental and physical scars disappeared and they were all okay.

'Cause I cannot play the grieving girl and lie,
Saying that I miss you and that my world has gone dark...

Emma left her house wearing makeup for the first time in longer than she would care to admit. She knew she didn't really need it, but the fact that she had enough motivation to do it made her feel better. She, Henry, and Regina stopped at Granny's for breakfast and they didn't bother to try and hide behind a mask of false sadness.

They laughed over old memories and embarrassing stories of Henry when he was little. They shared experiences in the Enchanted Forest and out in the Land Without Magic. They discussed the differences of light magic and dark magic and how both could be good and bad. They finally felt happy.

I will sing no requiem...

"Robin, I need to tell you about something," Regina began. She never went in depth about what being married to Leopold had been like, but she knew that it was finally time to share that part of her past with Robin.

I will sing no requiem...

"Violet, can I talk to you about something?" Henry asked. He needed someone his age to share the past few years with and Violet was the person he trusted the most. If his crazy family hadn't scared her away by this point, hopefully nothing would. Maybe Henry had finally found a friend who could put up with the nonstop chaos that came with him.

I will sing no requiem tonight

Emma stood across from Hook's gravestone. "I'm sorry it came to this, I really am. But I will not sing a requiem for you. Goodbye, Killian Jones." Emma turned away and headed towards her parents' apartment. There were some thing she needed to confess to them.

~

A/N: I'm gonna be honest, I had a lot of fun writing this because I usually write Outlaw Queen, but this was Emma-centric which made it different and it was a lot of fun to write something centering around her.

Also you all should go listen to Dear Evan Hansen because it is phenomenal