Chapter Fifteen
"No good has ever come from feeling guilty, neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves, and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties..."
- Paul Goodman
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Dedicated to @SanikasKulkarni who kept me sane and focused with her reminders in such a tiring and emotionally draining month that the last month had been for me and I fear for all of you too. So, here am I, hoping and wishing that the rest of the year will go well for all of us, individually and collectively... :)
Apologies for the delay, I hope that the chapter would make up for the tardiness... ;)
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When the dizziness cleared and the chaos in his head quieted a bit, Shravan found himself sitting on a bed, in a room only lit by a dim light of the side lamp and her voice whispering something in the distance.
He didn't know how they had reached there or where they were, maybe in the apartment his father had told him to use in the case of an emergency. But what was the emergency?
He didn't remember anything. After storming out of there with Sumo by his side and leaving behind his mother, he had walked straight without knowing which direction he was dragging them, but soon enough the rage and the adrenaline had worn out and then he hadn't been able to make sense of anything, leaving everything on Suman to deal with and followed her where she went, unable to feel anything other than the warmth radiating from her hand in his, unable to think anything other than trusting her to lead them back to home...
Yet they were still there, in Mumbai...
He tried to hear the conversation she was having on the phone while standing outside in the balcony yet nothing made sense to him so he gave up after a few seconds, she must be talking to his father or Nana Ji. He closed his eyes, trying to overcome the splitting headache, itching eyes and aching heart, he didn't realize how much time he spent hanging his head low before the noise of her stepping in the room made him open his eyes and look up at her.
"Shravan," she whispered, visibly concerned.
"Hmm," he responded absentmindedly as he looked up at her.
"We aren't going home today, I canceled everything and have already talked to Ramnaath uncle and Nanu too gave me permission to stay back. And I have already booked tickets for tomorrow evening," she informed him, nervously.
"Okay," he whispered with a nod.
"I told them that flight got canceled but that's not the truth," she muttered quietly.
"Okay," he repeated again.
"I actually didn't want to leave you alone tonight and if we would have gone back, that wouldn't have been possible," she confessed while twisting her hands and her eyes fixed on the floor.
"Sumo," he called out her name with such tenderness that she was forced to look up at him and when she did, she saw him holding up his hand for her to take, walking close to him she took hold of his hand in one while with other she pushed his hair back from his forehead before running her fingers in them soothingly, making him close his eyes and rest his forehead on her shoulder.
Suman didn't realize for how long they stayed like that, with her standing there, her hands in his hair and arms wrapped around his shoulders while his around her waist. It was only when the dinner she had previously ordered for them was delivered that they moved apart.
Shravan remained quiet, letting her take the lead and following her quietly, it was only when the night fell and she slowly climbed on the other side of the bed before sitting and pulling him towards her to make him sit next to her that his silence broke.
"I can't believe that neither of them even thought what their lies and actions could do to me, why didn't they, Sumo?" He asked in a whisper.
"Some parents just can't love their children as selflessly as they deserve to be loved," she responded in an attempt to comfort him, and it didn't take long for his head to find its way to her shoulder and slowly, so did his tears.
Shravan didn't say much, he couldn't even if he wanted to. The pain and the hurt, his wounds were cut too deep to voice them, so he grieved silently as he had always done, but then he felt her tears in his hair, and as she cried along with him, for him, a part of his soul started to heal because of the warmth of her care and love for him.
With her breaths convulsed with restrained tears, Suman wrapped her arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer to her chest and despite his broad shoulders, his six feet and something tall figure, he made himself small enough to fit in her arms just right, swelling her heart with pride yet breaking it at the same time at how fast he was shedding all the bravado to seek comfort in her embrace, reminding of her a child.
"Why? Why couldn't they? Is it because of me?" Shravan asked in a broken voice.
"No, no, Shravan, you did nothing wrong," she assured him.
"Some parents just can't take care of their children as they need to be taken care of," she whispered, heartbroken at his questions.
"For years I had thought it was all my fault. At first, for being the reason for them to stay married and lived a miserable life and then for not being enough for her to stay with me, for not being enough for him to not send me away," he confessed brokenly.
With a pained sigh, she wrapped her arms around his shoulder tightly, pulling him closer to her. Shravan sounded so hurt, so broken and she wished she had the power to heal him, to comfort him, to assure him that he did no wrong, that he was loved and cared for, and so precious to her. She kissed his hair when she felt his tears continuously falling on her shoulder. And she kept on for as long as he cried, and when exhausted he fell asleep, she continued to run her fingers in his hair, chasing away bad thoughts and dreams.
The next day, she woke up to loud noises of Mumbai traffic, and his soft hair tickling her chin. With a soft smile, she held him close, drinking in his quintessential scent and savoring the comfort of the weight of his head still resting on her shoulder and one of his arm warped around her waist, and the warmth of his presence melting her heart with the tenderness she felt towards him. Her hand snaked up to push his hair away from the forehead before she imprinted a kiss on there.
"Sumo," he called her out, shocking her as she had thought he was asleep.
"Hmm," she responded, embarrassed yet hesitant to withdraw back her affectionate touch.
"I don't know if I should apologize first or say thank you," he whispered.
"Apologize, why?" Suman asked, confused.
"I had done terrible things, said terrible things, to you and to many others and I want to apologize for that, for everything I had done wrong, I am sorry," he confessed.
"I just couldn't see beyond my inner conflict, because that was the only way I could function, and I thought I knew the truth; the truth of me not being enough, for me being the reason of their miseries. For more than a decade, I have been functioning on a defensive mechanism that made me hide away my pain, insecurities, and shortcomings with a fake display of pride and cynicism towards womenkind,"
"I know I was wrong, I knew that even back then, even when I sounded I meant everything I was saying, I knew I was wrong. That was the only way to let out my anger and hurt you and others as much I was hurting. You both were the only women in my life, and after what happened a decade ago, I thought the only way to justify what had happened - to justify both of you pushing me away and abandoning on the same day - was to try to turn blind to everything else and think that every woman was the same. Generalizing was easier and hurt less than thinking that both of you may be the only exception,"
"It was toxic and unhealthy, yet I continued, never let any other women in, never gave them a chance to prove me wrong, I ignored each one of them, every selfless gesture, every sacrifice and every achievement by them because my world was limited to both of you and I kept it as such because I was too afraid of getting hurt again, and I was wrong in doing that," he said with a heavy sense of regret.
"From the day I had walked away from you to the day I came back to you, Sumo, you were the only one who ever could and has broken the defensive walls around my heart, melting me with the warmth of your care and forcing me to open my eyes to mend my wrongdoings, correct my toxic behavior and to stop letting my fear control me and face my demons," Shravan confessed in a whisper.
His words made her heart skip beats and urge her to ask him if with his confession he meant what she thought he meant yet she knew he needed her to listen to him, that it wasn't an appropriate time to break the chain of his thoughts, so she let it be for now. She knew she would have all the time in the world to make him confess properly, so she calmed her heartbeats and focused on him as he continued;
"And I had thought it was enough, we were moving forward, but I also knew I couldn't live with the fear of me not being enough for you too, because I have never been enough for anyone before. I have lived my whole life with that truth, trying to overcompensate, to be more obedient, to be satisfied with what was given, too grateful to ask for more," he confessed his deepest and darkest thoughts, baring his soul, telling her things that he hadn't dared to tell himself.
"But now, after meeting her, I know that wasn't the truth; they stayed together for as long as they did because they wanted to - even if they were only making each other miserable - and they separated because they wanted to - because they had enough of being miserable. Their marriage was broken because they weren't willing to make it work, because they weren't the kind of the person they wanted to have as a spouse, and they separated because they wanted to,"
And there was the truth he needed to move forward, to overcome his fear of the past repeating itself, to trust her and trust them, to have faith, and to hope freely. Because now he was finally freed from the past, no longer burden by it, no longer trembling with the fear, now he finally had the strength to fight back his demons and win...
"And it's okay. Now I can understand, now I know. It wasn't my responsibility to keep them together, united, and happy. And nothing she said or what he didn't say can justify what they did to me, or how irresponsible and neglecting they were as parents. But I am so tired of feeling hurt and pinning over the past, of living in such a toxic and unhealthy way. Now I just want to leave all of this behind and try to move forward," Shravan concluded with a sigh.
"Good. I am so glad and so proud of you, Shravan," she whispered, relieved, pride swelling her heart.
"Sumo, thank you," he whispered, tightening his arm around her waist when she only kissed his hair in response.
And this was what he had been searching for more than a decade, the warmth and the comfort, yet couldn't find it anywhere, not in anyone. Even if the physical affection was a newly added factor in their relationship - yet to explore - she always had showered him with affectionate gestures in her attempts to console him whenever he wanted to be comforted by her. His favorite dish or dessert, she had cooked for him whenever he had run away from home to escape from the reality of being trapped in between the tag and pull of the spouses who hated each other. She had filled his ears with meaningless chatter when he wanted to suppress his parents' yellings and distracted him from his dark thoughts by demanding for attention.
She had been everything he had needed and wanted back then, and when shattered by her words - her telling him that he meant nothing to her, that what they had meant nothing to her - he had run far away from her, yet he still had craved and pined over what he had with her and had searched for it everywhere yet found it only when he came back to her...
"Sumo," he called her out after a long pause of peaceful silence.
"Hmm," she responded, her hands still busy in grooming his hair, shooing away any conflicted thoughts.
"I never knew my struggle was so visible, that you could see what was holding me back. You knew and understood me before I could even make sense to my own thoughts, and took the right decisions to solve the problem," he marveled out loud, his soul soaked with the warmth of her care and love for him.
"Yes, I did", she teased him with a smile, attempting to lighten the situation, "From now on, you will never be able to hide anything anymore from me," and moved his hair away from his forehead when he raised his head to look at her.
He just smiled in response and looking in his eyes, she spoke again to reiterate her point, "I know you'll do just fine. Promise me, you're not going to give up on healing, on moving on from all this hurt to a happy future".
Touched, he smiled at the earnestness in her voice and nodded before resting his head on her shoulder once again.
With a rush of emotions, she hugged him close to her and continued to run her fingers in his hair soothingly.
"Everything is going to be okay now," she whispered as hope and serenity filled the silence between them.
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"Have you ever noticed the way Shravan Bhaiya looks at Suman?" Pushkar asked his father casually.
"No, why? Did something happen?" Lala Ji asked worriedly.
He had always admired their friendship, it was pure and selfless, both Shravan and Suman just knew how to bring the best out of each other and were each other's biggest support when needed. He had been surprised at how easily they had picked up their friendship despite a decade of separation, yet the past few months had him awestruck by the beauty of the strength of their relationship. With the way Shravan had fought for Tiwari Killa and the way Suman had held Shravan together the time Ramnaath Bhai Sahab went missing, and then during Mr Berry's case, the way they had handled the situation so maturely, and how after that Shravan had supported and encouraged Suman to expand her business, and finally, how Suman had been Shravan's rock during his meeting with his mother.
He didn't know much about the last one, just that a week ago, the overprotective Ramnaath Bhai Sahab had trusted Suman enough to stay back and let her go with Shravan to meet his mother, and that alone said how strong their relationship was...
"That's the problem, nothing is happening," Varun exclaimed in impatience.
"Huh? What are you two brothers going on about?" He asked, confused.
"Let me tell you," Vandy jumped in before narrating him the past interactions between the said 'best friends' as the two brothers chimed in between with their observations.
"Oh, so you think that they are in love?" Lala ji asked with his eyes wide in shock.
"Yes!" the three members of the ShraMan club exclaimed in a cheer.
"So, should I start the process of asking her hand in marriage for Shravan? Rishte ki baat chalon kiya?" He asked with a wide eager smile.
"Lala Ji, no, not now," Vandy whined.
"Then what do you want from me, children?" He asked them with his eye narrowed.
"We want you to demand a family get-together so we all along with Preeti can do something about the situation and make sure Ramnaath Sir and Nana Ji pay them attention when they are together so they are ready when ShraMan tells them they want to get married," Pushkar as the mastermind behind the plan told him.
"Okay, that's fine, but who is ShraMan?" Lala ji asked him with a confused frown.
"Vandy, please, explain," Varun asked his wife and she jumped into tutor her father in law with eager excitement.
"Oh, but demanding for Preeti Bhooj Dinner? How can I? It's not polite," Lala Ji said, shaking his head right to left.
"If not for us, then for the love of ShraMan, please, Lala Ji," they pleaded with the elder man.
"I think you guys should let them be, they are progressing at their own pace," he told them off with the maturity of an elder.
"But that would take forever, and I don't have that much time to invest," Varun said with a whine.
"Think about all the food you can eat, Lala Ji, and think if they end up married, all the food Suman will cook for us, unlimited delicious food for forever," Vandy bribed her father in law with his only weakness and it worked.
"Oh, Choole, Makai ki rooti, Saag," Lala Ji exclaimed with his mouth watering at the thought of food cooked by Suman.
"Yes, and so much more..." they told him before listing all his favorite foods.
"Okay, they have to get married as soon as possible," the elder man declared.
"First a get-together," they reminded him before handing him his phone.
"Hello, Suman," he said with a smile on his face when the phone call was answered.
"I have been missing the food made by you and you never gave us the treat for expanding your business," he complained in a childish manner, making her laugh and inviting the Malhotra family the next weekend for a dinner at Tiwari Killa.
"Okay, it's done," Lala Ji exclaimed, while the rest cheered.
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"Honestly, everything is so easy in courtroom manga, yet the progress is so slow in real life, especially in India, the courts take such a long time to reach a conclusion," Shravan ranted on before giving her examples of the current cases he was working on to prove his point.
It was a warm Sunday evening - a week has passed ever since they came back from Mumbai, and now everything has gone back to how it had been before, something unsaid has changed between them yet either of them had brought up his not-official confession. Now sitting on his bed, side by side with pillows in their laps, they were surrounded by different genres of manga collected by him over the years and the comic books they had been obsessed over during their teens which Suman had decided to bring them with her to re-read them along with him.
"So, what are you going to do then?" She asked, turning to look at him.
"I want to claim back what's mine!" He suddenly claimed, shocking her with the change of subject.
"What?" She asked in confusion.
"I won't back off this time around, I am telling you, Sumo," he continued in an exaggerated manner, puffing his chest and faking anger.
If she wouldn't have had observed him enough, if she would have been someone else who hadn't seen Shravan Malhotra in his every color and every mood, she wouldn't have been able to look past that fake anger and how hard he was trying to suppress his smile or how lit up his eyes were with mirth dancing in them.
And before she could tell him off, she heard the sound of glass breaking somewhere behind her, and when she turned around, she found Kamini Chahi gasping at Shravan with an expression of shock and horror on her face.
"Chachi!" Shravan called her out, suddenly snapped out of his performance, worried he got up to walk towards her.
"Are you alright,?" He gently asked her as he pulled her away from the glass's broken pieces.
"What were you talking about, Shravan?" She asked him worriedly.
"Hmm?" He asked confused, then suddenly understood what she was talking about.
"About filing an inheritance case?" He continued once again with his brilliant performance.
"What? Shravan, you can't. No. Why?," Kamini shuttered in shock, panicking.
"Why not, Chachi?" He asked with a fake innocent expression on his face.
"No, you - think about how heartbroken Ramnaath Bhai Sahab would be if you do that," she tried to reason with him.
"Why would he be hurt? I am just fighting a client case he referred to me," he said, dropping his act and giving up on his prank as she started to look stressed and hyper.
"You, you were talking about a client's case?" Kamini asked and sighed in relief when he nodded.
"Yes, what did it seem to you, Chachi?" He asked with suppressed mirth.
"Oh, nothing," she exclaimed before walking out in a hurry while promising to send someone with cold drinks and to clean the mess she was leaving behind.
"Really, Shravan? Was that necessary?" Suman asked as she shook her head in disbelief.
"Ah, no, not really," he told her with a mischievous smile.
"Then why?" She asked with a laugh, looking at him fondly.
"Ever since I came back, she has been making sure I never got comfortable or felt at home, you already know why. I had been so ready to leave India and all, but now that I think about it, that was such a cunning move from her part. And, now it's payback time," he said with a shrug before continuing with a pensive frown.
"I don't know what has given her the idea that I am going to take over Malhotra law firm, but ever since we came back from Mumbai, every time I talk with papa or am having a heated discussion with Pushkar about some case, she is roaming around us with a worried and scared expression on her face, so I can't really help it," he said with a laugh.
With a glint of mischief in his eyes but the innocence always present in his laugh, he did look like a naughty child. With her hand folded on her chest to support her chin with another hand, she just looked at him with tenderness in her eyes and a smile on her lips.
"You have become so vindictive, Shravan. You weren't like that before," she commented, making an observation out loud, as soon as he stopped laughing and looked back at her with a smile on his face.
"I had to, Sumo," he said, almost whining and then sighing before continuing with a glint of something in his eyes, "after all, only then I would have been a worthy competitor of the Sumo," he with a smile on his face.
"Competitor?" She confusedly asked.
"Hmm," he nodded before coming to sit by her side.
"You mean what you did on the high school reunion night?" She asked with a glare.
"That was nothing, not actually the original plan of mine, I did that only because you insisted that 'it wasn't such a big deal'," he imitated her, reminding them of her awkward communication skills.
"Don't remind me," she pleaded with a sigh.
"Pride, my dear Sumo, pride is the downfall of many great warriors," he told her with the wisdom of a sage, making her chuckle.
It was a relief to be able to talk about the past and their mistakes so freely, without fear of misunderstandings and hurting each other, and it warmed their heart as much as it healed their souls...
The rest of the evening, the talked about various topics, Pushkar dropped by and hanged out with for a while and just before dinner, when she was on her way to walk out of his room, she suddenly remembered that she had never asked him;
"So, what was your 'original' plan?" She asked with curiosity.
"Oh, Miss Suman Tiwari, you don't know the things I had imagined doing to you," he exclaimed boldly as he advanced towards her with a strange glint in his eyes.
"Shravan?" She shuttered, her heart beating a mile when he stepped closer and pulled her towards him as with his other hand he closed the door behind her.
"What?" She gasped and blinked, her back hitting the door behind her.
"You have no idea about the things I am planning to do to you," he whispered right next to her ear.
"Shravan..." she shuddered in a whisper, her heart skipping a few beats before beating loudly, too fast.
But as soon as she looked up at him, she saw only mischievous in his eyes, and how hard he was trying to suppress his laugh by biting down his lips and suddenly she knew he was once again using the same trick he had when he had made her agree to give him the fee for the Tiwari Killa's case, had summoned her on the rooftop in such a seductive manner and then had friend-zoned her with an innocent smile.
He was going to leave her high and dry once again, and as she reached the conclusion, her eyes narrowed and she glared at him with full force.
Seeing her subjecting him with the 'Sumo glare' of hers, he could not hold back his laughter anymore. He burst out laughing loudly, not even attempting to stop her when she continued to whack him with her tiny yet strong fists.
With a glare and a huff to remove her hair away from her eyes, Suman turn,ed around, opened the door and stomped down the stairs while muttering to herself.
'Shravan Malhotra is a cruel, cruel man,' she thought to herself with a huff.
'But what actually was that?' She asked herself with a blush tainting her cheeks.
'Oh, God, what was that?' She whined, hiding her face in her hands.
As she was going through her broken thoughts, four members of the ShraMan Fanclub enjoyed her antics and embarrassment, giggling to themselves as they continued to guess what could have happened between them to cause Suman Tiwari, the Sumo, to blush like a rose while she still kept muttering to herself like a crazy person...
"This is more interesting than Tv shows," Vandy exclaimed with a giggle.
"That's true," Lala Ji, the newest addition nodded in agreement.
"My daily dose of entertainment," Varun claimed before fishing out his phone to contact Mr Mathur to know if they could invest in the entertainment industry next.
"Ah, my precious babies are growing," Pushkar signed with a dreamy look in his eyes.
And late at night, during the nightly meeting of ShraMan Fan club members, after welcoming the newest member, Lala Ji and introducing him to with their correspondence from Tiwari Killa; Preeti - who as every night was on a video call - they proceed to their gushing session, and then to the future planning, ways to sail their ship and to get a love confession. After an intensive discussion, it was decided that on the upcoming Dinner at Tiwari Killa this weekend, the five members would make sure to corner the two lovers individually to force a confession out of them, and possibly a declaration of love from one in front of the other.
"Long live ShraMan," they exclaimed with a determined look in their eyes before ending the secret meeting.
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A/N:- And with this chapter, all the parents & past drama is concluded on a hopeful note. And Shravan is free from the past with all the truths out in the open and a better understanding of what had actually happened between his parents and that he had not been at fault and he apologized for the unhealthy and toxic misogyny of his and wants to do better, become a better person, heal and to move on... *____*
Unfortunately, he still has a long way to go, to heal, to unfold and rebuild and reconstruct his defensive system and his belief system. It's a lifelong journey for children born in broken homes, not necessarily "divorced", but more like the children who are products of dysfunctional marriages...
And yes, another Preeti Bhooj, everyone lets say thanks Pushkar, the mastermind who may or may not have pushed for "Preeti" bhooj for a certain "Preeti"... ;)
And let's give Lala Ji - the only perfect and sane adult - a warm welcome in the ShraMan fandom! ;D
Can any of you guess who would be the next member joining the ShraMan fan club? ;D
Oh, and did you guys check out the new book cover, the credit goes to @monu2525, thank you once again, Mona... :)
I hope you all liked the update, I would like to know your thoughts on the chapter and the ongoing story, so please, do comment to let me know... :)
Thank you for the support, encouragement, and motivation, and especially for the patience...And for the sweet comments and the kind words, I truly appreciate everything you do! :)
Thank you! :)
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