My eyes felt like they were glued together. I slowly prised them open, my head thudding. I could see a sterile white sky above me, and hear a steady beat in my ears. Then three faces swam into view, a blur of yellow and grey and stubble. I blinked slowly, dumbly.

 “Morning, sunshine. Wow, your glow today is just blinding,” Zach said sarcastically. Beside him, Ronan, the blonde boy in my training group, and Coin swam into view. I blinked again, my eyes adjusting to the light.

 “Why am I here?” I asked.

 “Well, Ronan decided to beat you bloody…”

 “I’m sorry! You told me to!” Ronan squeaked “You were quite insistent…”

 “Forgiven,” I said, trying for a smile. It hurt to move the muscles on my face “You must have done a good job.” I looked sideways warily at Coin. She was part of the reason I was there, after all.

 “Yes, well,” she said “I am beginning to question your methods of training, Verona-Grey. You’ve not only yourself beaten, but half of your team. You’re not the only one in a hospital bed today, Karissa.”

 “Yes, well. I guess I’m feeling a little impulsive and…irritable as of late,” I said snidely “I wonder why?”

 “Not to disrespect you, President Coin, but I actually believe that Soldier Verona-Grey has taught us a lot these past days,” Ronan said quietly. Coin looked irritated.

 “I agree,” Zach said “She’s knocking us into shape just fine. I don’t think she needs your input.”

 Coin huffed out a little, glaring at Zach “Well no one asked for your input, Zachary.”

 “I figured it was needed,” Zach said, unfazed by Coin’s insult. He picked up a cracked mirror from the bedside table to show me my face. It was a jigsaw of purple and green bruises. My lip was swollen and my nose had a crusted scab over it, but I’d felt worse before. I grinned. At least I still had all my teeth.

 “Well if you’re feeling so fine, maybe you should get back to training what’s left of your team,” Coin spat, turning on her heel and walking away. Ronan shook his head in despair, dipping a cloth in a bowl of water and leaning tentatively to wipe my face. I tried not to wince, because gentle as he was, it still hurt.

 “Life has seriously got so much more interesting since your training started. Why is it you always seem to be in trouble? Your life is like a drama,” Ronan said. Zach grinned.

 “She is a drama. A drama queen,” Zach said “Coin really has it in for you, doesn’t she.”

 I nodded tiredly “She does.”

 Zach patted my face to make me wince and laughed “You’re not the only one. Don’t worry about it, darling. Women like her aren’t likely to live forever. Sooner or later, someone always flips.”

 I frowned, wondering what he meant, but he’d already stood up and left. I sighed, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and feeling a wave of nausea hit me as hard as Ronan’s punches. Ronan slipped his hand around my waist to help me up.

 “She wasn’t serious about me going back to training, was she?” I groaned. Ronan smiled.

 “It’s OK. Zach promised to take over for today’s session.”

 “Oh dear,” I joked. Ronan helped me through the hospital wing.

 “You’d be surprised. He’s actually not a bad guy,” Ronan said.

 “I know. None of you are,” I replied. As we passed through the hospital wing, a few of my trainees called out greetings and jokes about the state of me. Strangely, I felt almost affectionate towards them. I didn’t know half their names. We’d only been together a few days. But they were my guys. My team. At least Coin can’t take them from me. The loss of Finch returned then and punched me in the gut, and I would have fallen to my knees then had it not been for Ronan supporting me. He took me back to my quarters where my Mother took over, putting me to bed and nursing me with a cold flannel on my head.

 I didn’t sign up to this when I became a mother she smiled being a nurse all the time. I guess you and Elliott are both too like me.

 I smiled back weakly, closing my eyes and mind. I was tired of having to think. I wish mother could sing to me. I wanted to hear a lullaby. I wanted to have a long sleep, and wake up in a world where everything was better. But life kept shaking me by the shoulder, waking me up again. It wasn’t done with me yet. And neither was mother.

 Finch is so hurt she told me in signs. I closed my eyes again. I didn’t want to hear it. Mother shook me, and I was forced to open my eyes again.

 I can guess why you did it. And you did the right thing. But you have to tell him why. Because Coin won’t be around forever. But if you asked him, if you asked him to, he’d stay forever. He can wait. He will wait.

 “Why would he wait for me?” I asked quietly “I’ve broken his heart.”

 Some people are worth having your heart broken for. Especially you, Karissa. You’re so important. To him. To me. To your family and to those boys you’re training. They need you. And they love you in different ways, but they need you either way.

 I didn’t realise I was crying until she wiped a tear from my eye. She kissed my forehead and smoothed down my hair.

 Be brave, my beautiful girl. It won’t be forever. All pain comes to an end.

 She left me then. She turned down the light and I cried silently. I lay for hours, thinking about what she’d said. I was still awake that night when Finch returned. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. But he came to my side, as I knew he would. I heard him kneel beside my bed. I felt his fingers hovering close to my face, deciding whether to touch me or not. They didn’t. I felt him exhale, his sweet breath on my face.

 “Don’t leave me,” he whispered “Don’t leave me so soon.”

***

 The next day brought a fresh wave of horrors. I was up early, though I’d barely slept. I hurt all over, but I made a move quickly to avoid Finch. It was becoming a habit of mine. But it turns out my efforts were wasted.

 When the group arrived for training, there was a new member. A new member with unmistakable blue hair.

 A few of the other boys sniggered, but I could feel Ronan watching me carefully. I must have looked shocked to see Finch there. He caught my eye for a moment, but tore away his gaze quickly. Coin has found another way to torture me I thought. I still had to spend all my days with Finch. Just not in the way I wanted to.

 “OK, everyone,” I croaked, still watching Finch in the corner of my eye “Pair work again today, but let’s take it easier today. We’re all still tired…me included.” I earned a couple of laughs “So just try not to hurt each other. I’ve set out mats. Each pair take one, please.”

 People didn’t waste any time getting into pairs, the way they had on previous sessions. They quickly joined up with their old partners and headed for mats. Finch was left looking a little lost and without a partner. I cleared my throat.

 “Finch…you come with me.”

 He didn’t look at me, but thankfully, he joined me on my mat.

 And suddenly, we were the only people in the room.

 I could hear my breathing as I watched him. I could see the outline of his chest against his tshirt. He looked so big, yet so small at the same time. He stood tall, but his eyes were tired and lost. I wanted to watch him forever, soak him all in, but then I remembered it wasn’t my place anymore. I had no right to look at him like that, after what I’d done to him. But he was looking at me too. He was taking in the bruises on my face, my training outfit, the expression I wore.

 “You’re hurt,” he said. He wasn’t just talking about my face.

 “It’s killing me,” I told him. Then I got my fists into position, ready to fight.

 “Take it out on me,” I whispered “Hurt me. Hurt me like I hurt you.”

 I watched his hands curl into fists. Then he threw a punch that I dodged away from “Nothing,” he said, punching again and making me duck “could ever hurt…” He clipped the side of my ear with his next try “the way I hurt right now.”

 I lightly boxed his shoulder, my eyes on his.

 “But I would never…” He wrapped and arm around me and flipped me onto my back, pinning me down “Want to hurt you this way.” He leant down, close to my ear “I wouldn’t put you through it.”

 I dug my knee into his side and flipped him over.  I pinned down his arms with my hands, shaking. A hot tear fell from my face to his “You don’t need to. I’ve already put myself through it.”

 I offered him a hand and helped him to his feet. He gripped my arm for support, but as he let go, his fingers trailed down it, until my whole body felt chills and I met his eyes.

 “So come back,” he whispered, as we prepared to fight again. I kicked his side and watched him stumble. I’d weakened him, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish him off.

 “I can’t,” I said. He straightened up again, watching me closely. He didn’t attempt to attack either. I don’t know how long we stood there, but I became aware we were being watched. I whipped my head around to see Ronan watching me carefully. I sighed, and turned away from Finch.

 “Zach. Swap with me,” I said. Then, once again, I turned by back on the boy with blue hair.

***

 I am weak. I am selfish. I am gutless. Those were the things I told myself, but I still didn’t have it in me to tell Finch why. After training, I skipped dinner and went straight to bed, lying on my back and staring at the ceiling. I thought about everything, and decided what to do. And when Finch returned, I was ready for him.

 The room was dark, and the light was off. When Finch returned, I beckoned him to me. He shut the door and sat opposite me on the bed, legs crossed. We didn’t speak or do anything for a long time. Then I touched his face. Cupped it with my hands.

 “You have to understand that I had no choice,” I whispered into the dark. I pressed my lips close to his ear “Coin,” I said simply. I couldn’t hear him crying, but I could feel his tears beneath my thumbs. I leaned forwards to kiss each one away.

 “I can wait for you,” I told him “I will wait as long as it takes for us to be OK. I understand if you don’t want me anymore. Or if you find someone else. But I’m always here, OK?”

 Finch leant forwards, forcing me to lower myself back on to the bed. His face buried in my neck, his teeth and lips trailing gently along my skin.

 “Just one more night,” he told me “I need tonight to be with you. Then I can handle the distance. Then I can wait, for however long it takes.”

 I pressed my hand on his chest, and I felt his on mine “I’m here.”

 “I’m here,” he replied.