The next day, Finch was quiet at breakfast. I tried to coax conversation from him, but his head was bowed over his sludge coloured food, his eyes not meeting mine. Occasionally, he’d glance around the room nervously. I tried to follow his eye line, but found no clue as to what his fear was.

 “What’s wrong?” I asked eventually “You’re scaring me.”

 And he was. I’d never seen him so quiet. Not even at his trial when he first arrived. Something was wrong. Seriously wrong. I leant across the table.

 “Tell me,” I told him quietly, but firmly. I felt his hand fumble for mine under the table, but still, he didn’t look up.

 “Have you seen them?” he whispered.

 “Who?”

 “The Capitol people.”

 I shook my head, confused. Then alarm took over “What? There are spies? An attack? What?”

 “No. Nothing like that. I…I was cleaning the hospital wing. And…there were three of them. Being treated. They were definitely from the Capitol. They had dyed skin. Nurse Everdeen said they’d been locked up. For stealing bread. They were Katniss Everdeen’s stylists during the Games.”

 I nodded sympathetically. Inside, I was angry, because I knew it must have been Coin’s doing. But I didn’t understand why Finch looked so scared.

 “There’s something more?” I pushed gently. Finch finally looked up at me, his eyes watery.

 “Karissa…we both know who did this. We both know how much she hates the Capitol. I feel…what if she’s watching me? Just waiting for me to step out of line-”

 “Finch-”

 “-she could do the same to me, or worse! She only needs a reason, sweetheart. A little tiny reason. And then it could all be over. I’m not just scared for me. I’m scared for you, and your family. You’re as much in jeopardy as I am.”

 Finch let go of my hand under the table, as though even his touch was dangerous for us. And maybe it was “How do you think this will effect everyone? Coin and your mother…they’ve never got along. Elliott was always a problem for Coin while he was here. And you and your Uncle Drew…you always stir up trouble for her, one way or another. How do you think she’s going to feel when she discovers how close you and I really are?” Finch chewed his nail nervously “Your father is the only one not guilty in her eyes, but you know he’d do anything to protect your mother. If I go down, everyone else does too. We have to lie low, Karissa. OK? No more arguments with Coin. I don’t want you getting hurt. It’s getting too dangerous.”

 I nodded to comfort him, but I knew something had to be done. What Finch never grasped was that our family had always been in danger. Nothing had changed on the arrival of the three Capitol stylists. Not for us at least. Coin had always had it in for us. But there was only one person who could fix it for us. And that was me.

 After all, I was the only one Coin put her trust in. Not because she wanted to, but because she needed me. Especially with Elliott gone, I was the one she could rely on to get things done. And if it meant me sucking up to her further and obeying some rules to protect everyone, I knew I’d do it. But things didn’t quite turn out the way I planned.

 Coin took me out of training that day again, and I knew that this time, something was wrong. When we went to her office, it was just me and her. I sat down, looking up at her expectantly. She didn’t speak for a long while and she didn’t sit down. She didn’t pace, and I wished she would. I hated the way she stood perfectly still, rigid and poised for attack. I waited for her to say something, my heart beating hard against my ribs. Finally, she turned to me and took a step closer. I was beginning to regret sitting down. She towered over me, eyes blazing.

 “You’ve betrayed me,” she said. I blinked in surprise.

 “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said honestly. Coin sighed, turning on a screen. On it, flickered a picture of Finch and I holding hands.

 “I’ve warned you about this boy,” Coin hissed “He’s a Capitol boy. You’re putting yourself in dangerous ground, and you’re making a mockery of everything we stand for here. I don’t care if he hasn’t done anything wrong, because he will. He's going to slip up eventually because he’s from the Capitol, and that makes him our enemy.  He's going to get us all killed.”

 “What about Plutarch? He’s from the Capitol-”

 “That’s different. He’s proved his allegiance-”

 “So has Finch! He works hard. He cooks and cleans and-”

 “What comparison does a cleaner have to a respected member of our Mockingjay team?” Coin hissed, slamming her hands down on the arms of my chair, enclosing me “You listen here, Verona-Grey. You will end this…this relationship with that boy. And furthermore, he will no longer be a cleaner. Or a cook. I’m putting him on the battlefield. If he wants to prove his loyalty, he can do it on the field.”

 “No!” I shouted in her face “You can’t! He’s never fought in his life! And against-”

 “Against the Capitol? His people? Is that what you were going to say? Make your mind up, Karissa. Whose side is he on? And where do you stand? With him or with us?”

“I love him! I will not let you terrorise me into letting him go!” I cried.

 “Oh really?” Coin snarled, leaning in closer. “Put it this way. If you don’t end it with him, I’ll arrange for him to have a worse fate than a broken heart. And I swear to you. He will not be the only one you love who will suffer,” she hissed. I could feel sweat dampening my back. The quiver in my lips and hands. She’ll kill them I realised. She was willing to kill my family to get what she wanted. She’d done exactly what I’d said she couldn’t.

 She’d terrorised me.

 “By the end of the day,” Coin said. Then she was ushering me out the door and my knees were buckling and tears were hot on my face.

 She was destroying my life.

***

 I went back to training, feeling blank. As though someone had taken everything inside me away. I didn’t know what to do, who to talk to. I couldn’t tell my mother. She’d want to attack Coin. I couldn’t tell Elliott because he was gone. I wanted him then more than ever. And the rest of my family was out of the question too. They’d get us all killed.

 What hurt most was I couldn’t tell Finch the reason I was ruining everything for us.

 I went through the morning training without even noticing. Lunchtime arrived, and I knew what I had to do. I found Finch sat at our usual table, but I hovered a while before I sat. I knew I was about to crush both his heart and my own at the same time.

 He smiled at me. His smile was killing me. I wanted to reach out and touch his face. Feel the softness of his eyebrows beneath my fingertips. Kiss below his ears. I wanted to explore the parts of his face I’d never thought to, knowing I’d never get another chance. not while Coin was still alive.

 But I was wrong about Coin destroying my life.

 I was destroying it myself.

 “What’s wrong?” Finch frowned. I was stood by the table, staring at him. My mouth opened, then closed. I could feel people beginning to stare. I took a seat, my legs shaking.

 “Finch,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut. It pained me to say his name. A name that was no longer mine to say with such love “We can’t…we can’t. This can’t.”

 “What? What are you talking about? You’re not making sense,” Finch said in alarm. I stared into his blue eyes. So beautiful. So innocent.

 “We can’t…we can’t be together. Anymore,” I whispered.

 First came the shock. Then the hurt. Then the anger “Why? Karissa, don’t go!”

 I was already standing. I was already walking away. I didn’t look back. I couldn’t.

 Silently, I said goodbye to my blue haired boy.

***

 I should have known. I should have known nothing good in my life was meant to last.

 I stumbled down the stairs. Intoxicated by the feelings of love and hate and anger bubbling inside me. For his sake, for mine, I had to carry on as normal. I had to do what Coin wanted. Or the sacrifice of our relationship would have been for nothing. But this pain was potent. This pain felt real. Physical and crippling. It squeezed my chest so hard I couldn’t breathe. I was seeing stars.  

 We’d had one precious day. One day of feeling whole, of everything making perfect sense for once. Weeks of waiting for something to happen, waiting for him to make a move, or building the courage to go for it myself. It all came down to that one day. The day I woke up smelling of him, with the heat of his skin against mine. We'd fallen in love too quickly. And it was ending as quickly as the sparks had began.

 I made it to the training hall. The sea of faces were a blur. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I remembered we were meant to be training outside that day. I didn’t speak as everyone followed me up and up to the top of District 13. I clumsily assembled two teams for the combat activity I had planned, but the whole time, I was searching for a hint of blue hair in the crowd.

 If he’d been there, I would have gone to him. I know it. I would have collapsed at his feet and cried. I would have told him everything. And I would have run away. We’ll take our family and go.

 But he wasn’t there.

 The activity I had planned was about defence and hand to hand combat. I put myself on the red team and instructed the blue team to hide. They were acting as the Capitol attackers. We were the defendants in 13. I felt almost sleepy, groggily giving a pep talk to my team. After that, it would be a free for all. I warned everyone that there would be injuries. I didn’t want them holding back.

 The activity began, but I was still in a daze. The feelings I’d had dimmed to a dull ache in the back of my head. I could see someone on the blue team running at me, but I was unable to prevent it. I didn't even want to. I didn't put up a defense. My body wasn’t mine any longer. I couldn’t function.

 I felt the body slam into me. A fist slammed into my face. I didn’t struggle, but the attacker hesitated.

 “Keep hitting me!” I cried.

 “But, I-”

 “If I was a Capitol girl, would you stop?” I cried “Keep going!”

 I imagined I was Coin. And I felt every blow in her body, not in mine. I wished my pain on her. And I wished her dead.

 The world was going black. I didn’t struggle, and let it claw me down and down and down until I felt nothing at all.