A hat, a wave

So much for you to stay

So little for you to push me away

Blend into the background

So I doubt if you were there

Cover up these sounds

Someone cares, I swear

Phiona had informed me in advance that her studio would be off limits while she handled family business. In fact she'd been off the grid for a while after R4E. Fortunately all the songs I planned to produce were recorded there already. This one, sung under my blanket igloo with the somewhat expensive camera as my sole audience, didn't fit with my image of being a musician. I was keeping this one backstage.

"Sometimes I wonder," said Má, "if we didn't give him enough attention."

"You criticize my sisters for babying their children...yet you still do our own's laundry." Ba folded my favourite T-shirt just the way I liked it and put it aside. "Where is this doubt coming from?"

"Because," she cried, "we had too little! He was jealous of his peers. We were not born here, and we had less to rely on. But he didn't listen. Perhaps this is what my mother meant. Should I have controlled him more? Would he have become wiser instead of short-sighted like the spoiled kids he called his friends?"

Ba shook his head. "I should have paid more attention. He was close with Tai...of course they were, they are brothers! It's the eldest's responsibility to look after his siblings. Set an example." He sighed. "I shouldn't have fanned his ambitions. All I wanted was to support him."

"I should be grateful,"Mẹsaid bitterly. "This is how it is with a son. They run further than you could have ever dreamed of."

My sniffles broke the heavy silence.

Ba patted her hand. "Tai," he called, "we taught you not to eavesdrop."

I felt bad for making Ba search the living room for me. I pushed aside my invisible curtain. Ba lifted me into a bear hug, and through my tears I told them I wouldn't run away. I couldn't. Because unlike Liam, I needed them.

I focused on my Instagram. I had received so much support from R4E that I felt comfortable enough to mention I was on the spectrum. Not much changed. In fact, a lot of the comments related to my experiences. It was validating. Happy comments swam before my eyes as I reviewed my latest post.

@taiv.sings: Highlights from @radio_4_equality! I'm happy to have performed at your event and met some cool people along the way. Give me a shout if you want to hear more of my music!

Speaking of cool people, @thepurplepath and I are working on a collaboration for some music videos. A challenging prospect for me, but since music videos are what really makes the buzz around songs, I'll try. I love my dioramas, but let me tell you, even a good quality camera can't cut the frustration of stop motion animation and shaky filming. I plan to post a mini journal-like timeline of this project!

And, if you like things about nature but you live in an urban jungle like me, check out @thepurplepath's music! Her songs teleport me into a peaceful place during hard times.

@thepurplepath: Happy to meet you too :)

@minorkeysonly: Congrats!! Watching you grow from a few views to this makes me feel lucky to have discovered you

@taiv.sings: Thanks, means a lot

@aries78: tell us the next time ur going to these events! we want to see u sing in person

@taiv.sings: @aries78 Will do! I planned to dip early so didn't want to disappoint

@raya_dreams: Are you performing again at hidden stars

@squid.ink_music: A record label would give you more funding and support. It's tough when you're an independent artist

@futurebaroness372: That'd be so cool!

@taiv.sings: @raya_dreams @squid.ink_music @futurebaroness372: Not sure about it

@squid.ink_music: It's not everyone's thing but the influence of labels on artist exposure is undeniable

@taiv.sings: There's a lot of other labels out there

@squid.ink_music: Not every day they respond or even know who you are

@thepurplepath: Not all labels are created equal.

--

On the laptop screen, Gülay twirled around a pencil. Our online calls worked for both of us. We didn't like getting oriented to new surroundings, especially her, and it lessened the chance of being late.

I looked down at her song fragment. While she started with lyrics, I started with humming the melody or harmony.

The trees

Stand tall

Timeless everlasting

Strength and silence

Fade into the dark

And when

They age

Their cries are heard as fake

Seen at last

They learn to love the hate.

Her songs were slow and explored the full range of the human voice. I tended to speed up her songs and find a new cadence for line breaks. For this one my humming settled into a mournful melody.

"Any time I add accompanying instruments, it distracts from my voice," said Gülay. "It's frustrating since I'd think of a secondary melody that the lyrics can't carry. Plus, the vocals take the stage for important moments or when you drop off all the other instruments for anticipation. I don't want my song to feel cluttered."

"You can change it afterwards," I said, inputting the synthesised instruments in the program. "I thought we could do whatever we wanted with each other's songs. Since we agreed to that promise, we have to stick with it, right?"

"We did," she said grudgingly.

"Isn't it scary having your voice carry the whole song? If you're just a little out of tune it ruins everything. I've been there before. Nerves, getting distracted, and no amount of rehearsals can guarantee you'll nail it when it matters."

"That is the power of recording. You get to do it as many times as you want! Besides, I don't do live performances."

"Because you're mute sometimes? Would you want to, someday?"

"I wouldn't gain much from it."

"But the stage is part of music," I said. "It's like an instrument on its own. That's where people will pay attention and listen to you."

"While video editing makes stage fright irrelevant," Gülay countered. She shook her head. "You are like my cousin. An attention lover."

"I heard that." I recognized Joachim's voice.

"That's just how you are," she replied. "Not everyone wants to perform or pose in front of a camera."

"For your information, I'm never in the photos I take!" said Joachim. He walked up to the screen from Gülay's side, hiding his red face.

"Right, cuzz, because you're 'camera-shy,'" she teased. "What a lie if I've ever heard of one!"

I vaguely remembered Monty mentioning his boyfriend's photography work. While Nora knew more about marketing, her subjects of focus were computers, not human beings. "What's the kind of photography work you do?" I asked Joachim.

He winced. "Uh, everything and nothing? Might be a hobby that dies like all the others. Currently I'm into aesthetics and mood boards. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances asking me to take pictures and stuff for their Instagrams. University clubs and societies, too."

"Is it hard getting the right picture?"

"I mean, for casual Instagram purposes, it's fine, but for promotional photos that the university clubs need to have displayed, it's a headache. I've learned to first scope out the location, because you really need to think about the specifics of everything, and assume that half of the photos you take are going to be useless because of factors you can't control. It's harder for the people in the picture than it is for me," he admitted. "It's why I rather not be in photos that mean more than a simple post."

I thought deeply. "A lot of rising musicians have more intricate promotional media than when they started. I can't believe the amount of work that goes into the props, outfits, and location choices. For example, look at Charu Dubashi's social media," I said. "Their new album has a lot to do with rainy nights, restaurants and noir aesthetics. How much time went into that, really?"

"Comparing us to someone of Charu Dubashi's caliber is a waste of time. It's why I left Hidden Stars. It demanded too much," Gülay sighed.

Two artists I personally knew with bad experiences. And yet... "Music's going to take a lot of your time. That's just how it is," I said.

She shrugged. "It's between working yourself to the bone versus having room to breathe. I made my choice already. My views have stagnated since leaving, but as long as I keep the small audience that stuck around for my work, I'm happy."

"Is time an issue?" Joachim wondered. "If you really care about something, you'll make room for it in your life no matter how busy life feels. Marketing is just another aspect of your job right? I mean, I wouldn't understand. I'd rather spend time with friends, and fam...well, Gülay."

How much time have I put into my passion, only for me to get very little in return? Things have started to look up, but had all these years, time I'd never get back, been worth it?

"I'm not a shut-in who doesn't care about people," I snapped. "I just have other interests."

Yeah, right. Kimmy might be the only person in my family who had accepted my disinterest in family gatherings and stuff. Either because she somehow, inexplicably, understood me--and thus rarely interacted with me outside of logistical reasons--or because she didn't care to.

When I did spend quality time with family though, I wanted to have something to show for. To share with them.

Joachim's gaze flicked between Gülay and myself. "I see. Dedication to a craft does explain why you're good at what you do," he said before backing out of view.

My annoyance dissipated.

"I've only ever thought an audience would be interested in my music," I said. "Not about me."

Gülay put a finger to her chin. "You're not filming yourself to look pretty. You're selling your passion. Putting a face to your music.

"When one needs to socialize, one divides their personality into functional parts to achieve different goals. Act confident, or act like you don't care, and in the end it's all the same. People will care when you do, deep within your heart."

--

Time slipped into the very late hours during which I had no business to be up and about. But there I was in the kitchen, rummaging the fridge for something to eat. As usual, Monty sat at the dining table, typing at lightning speed.

"How does your brain function this late?" I said, popping cold grapes into my mouth.

"Habit. Nothing gets done during the day," he said.

Music took up more time and priority than people. Sometimes I worried it said something terrible about myself. Did it mean others were terrible people, too?

I frowned at the shelf of lunchbox containers filled with food and labelled with Shan's name in neat handwriting.

So Monty did know how to cook, just not for himself.

Back in my room, I opened up the email for the millionth time and hugged my Charmander stuffie. Was my own stubbornness, the fear of being wrong, the fear of the unknown, holding me back from doing more?

Hello Tai,

I understand we did not get on the best of footing. Not only that, but your friends seem to have points of contention with me.

May we have a more amiable interaction? I'm sure you're realizing how difficult it is to thrive in this industry without more professional aid. Let me show you the resources Hidden Stars have in helping musicians launch their careers. More specifically, the resources I have at disposal--and you would, too, if you decide to join.

I'd offer something less intense, such as a coffee shop chit chat, but you appear to be a man of business.

Do let me know if you're interested. I'd hate to leave a bad impression on a fellow musician.

Best,

Charu