It's the day after New Year's and I'm at a bar. It doesn't exactly seem like the right way to start a new year, especially since I already went out last night and it's a Monday. But given that I'm on winter break and don't have anything else better to do during the next two weeks, I give myself a pass. That and the fact that whenever I come back home, I can't seem to stay home.

Home.

What an interesting word that is. Its meaning changed for me in high school, and now that I'm halfway through my junior year in college, it's lost its meaning altogether. I don't know where home is anymore. I guess for now it's somewhere between here in Vermont and my dorm room back in New York. As unappealing as my dorm room is, I can't wait to go back.

"Claudia! We're doing another round!"

My friend Karen from high school is excited, trying to grab my attention away from the hockey game I'm watching on TV. She's the only reason I'm here. I haven't been the best at keeping in touch with my high school friends over the years, but luckily she's my connection to still having somewhat of a social life in this town.

I turn around to find another shot of tequila being poured in front of me. It's still weird for me to be able to drink legally at a bar. I officially turned twenty-one two months ago, but I still feel like I'm out of place and shouldn't be here. I take the shot with Karen and the rest of our group, following it with a bite of lime and washing it down with beer to diffuse the flavor. I go back to watching the hockey game. The Rangers are in the middle of a power play. It looks like they might score any second.

"Claudia, are you listening to me?"

"Huh?"

"Lucas Elwood just walked in with the Allen twins. Can you believe it?"

Immediately, my back stiffens.

Lucas? There's no way he's here.

I peek over my shoulder because I can't believe it. Sure enough, I see him standing at the other side of the bar.

Dammit, he's wearing a baseball cap too. Why does he always have to look so good in them?

Before I can stop gawking at him, he looks directly at me and ... did he just wink at me?

My cheeks heat up, and quickly, I turn my head.

Stop it, Claudia. You're not fourteen anymore.

I take a sip of my beer to cool down. Karen stares at me with her mouth open. "Did Lucas just—"

"No. He must've thought I was someone else."

"Really, Claudia? That's what you're going with?"

I shrug. There's no other way to explain it. I haven't seen him since we graduated from high school, and even then, the last time we spoke was in the eighth grade. My mind floods with memories of my younger self, and I cringe just thinking about it. There's absolutely no reason for him to be winking at me.

"I'll be back," I say, heading to the bathroom.

I take a deep breath once inside, trying to gather my thoughts. It's crazy that he still affects me like this. I'm suddenly transported back to my high school locker where we avoided each other, even though his locker was right next to mine. I tried to come up with the courage to say something to him, but all I got was a door slammed in my face.

Damn him.

A sharp pain fills my stomach and I grip the counter. I should just leave. Leave before my emotions get the best of me. I'll tell Karen I'm tired and go. It's what I should have done in the first place.

I exit the bathroom and halt when I find Lucas outside. His expression is worried at first, but it quickly changes into the grin I forced myself to forget about years ago. "Hey."

I know it's a simple greeting, but I almost feel like it's meant for someone else. It's airy and light-hearted, devoid of layers of messed-up baggage.

"Hi," I respond, pretending to be normal.

"Do you have a minute? I've been meaning to talk to you."

I want to tell him no, that I was just leaving, but I nod instead. Stupid brain cells.

He guides us over to a high-top table and pulls out a chair for me. This situation is becoming more bizarre by the minute, and I consider that he might be suffering from temporary amnesia.

"Do you want something to drink?" he asks, taking a seat in front of me.

I shake my head, already regretting the shots of tequila I've had tonight. I want to be completely sober for this, even if it seems like a dream right now.

He takes off his baseball cap. His wavy brown hair falls free before he smooths it down with his fingers. I avert my gaze to stop wondering what it would feel like to be doing that myself.

"How's New York?" he asks.

I didn't think he knew I moved there, let alone cared enough to ask. Nobody asks me about New York when I come home. They like to tell me everything I've missed while I was gone. "It's good. You're in California, right?"

"Yep. Stanford. It's nice. Good weather year-round. Not like here. I was never a fan of the snow."

Of course he got into Stanford. It's unfair when attractive people are smart also. It's like an athlete simultaneously being a comedian. You should only be allowed to be good at one.

"You look great, Claudia," Lucas says. "New York seems to agree with you."

His blue eyes shine at me, and I can't help but smile back at him. I think it's the first time I've smiled since I've been back home.

"Thank you. You look good too." Obviously.

I begin to wonder if our entire conversation is going to be like this. Talking about how great our lives supposedly are. About trivial things like the weather. The conversations we used to have in middle school were never like this. They were about movies and sports and whether Mr. Kauffman from history class was secretly the Zodiac Killer. This just feels too ... adult.

Lucas clears his throat, and for the first time, I realize he looks nervous. "So, I know this is years too late," he says, "but I've wanted to apologize to you for the longest time. The whole thing with our parents was just so ... fucked up. We didn't deserve that. We were friends before everything happened—best friends—and I hated every second of not being able to talk to you. I hated watching you grow into the most beautiful girl, hated watching you being asked to prom right in front of me, and hated that I couldn't be the guy to do it. I'm really sorry, Claudia."

I take what is probably the deepest breath in my twenty-one years. His words wash over me. I feel so relieved to know that I wasn't alone in my feelings, that it wasn't all in my head. For a moment, I feel like crying.

"Look—I know this probably seems out of the blue," he says, "but after all this time, I couldn't let you leave thinking that I didn't care about you. Because I did. So much. And I wanted you to know that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret it."

"Lucas ..." I start, but nothing else comes out of my mouth. I look away from him, and he reaches across the table to grab my hand.

It's strange that I remember what his hands feel like, warm with slight calluses on his fingers. Safe. Although the last time we touched, he was just a boy. Now he's a man.

It occurs to me that he's not drinking anything, unlike every other male in this bar. I wonder if it's on purpose. "Is this a steps thing, like from AA?"

Lucas laughs heartily, the sound filling something inside of me. "Do I look like a recovering alcoholic to you?"

I shrug, even though he clearly doesn't, but it's the only way I can explain why he's apologizing to me after all these years. When he realizes that I'm serious about my question, his expression becomes somber.

He looks me square in the eye. "It's a life's too short thing. I'm tired of not making my own decisions because of my screwed-up father."

"You can add my screwed-up mother to that list. My father too, I guess."

He views me carefully, letting go of my hand.

"I'm also sorry, Lucas. Sometimes I wish we could just rewind to that night in eighth grade and freeze everything that happened after."

He smiles at me, and I can tell he knows exactly what I'm referring to. "Me too, Audi."

Hearing him call me by the nickname he gave me when we were thirteen gives me goosebumps. I haven't heard it in years. If I'm not careful, he's going to steal my heart all over again tonight.

"Are you sure you don't want a drink?" Lucas asks. "I feel like it's in order."

I can almost hear sirens circling around my head, wailing at me that it's a terrible idea. I decide to ignore them when Lucas's words about life being too short overpower my brain. Well, someone send an ambulance because I'm about to live dangerously tonight.

My lips curl into a smile. "Sure—why the hell not?"

❄

There goes my New Year's resolution, and it only took me all of one day to break it.

I'm officially drunk.

After everyone had enough of the beer and tequila special at the bar, we all moved to hang out at the Allen twins' house. I'm sure their parents aren't home because they would have kicked us out by now.

I had forgotten how much fun Lucas was.

"Let me know if I get sloppy," I say to him over the music. "You'll tell me, right?"

Lucas smiles at me. He's been smiling at me all night and I don't know how much more of it I can take. "Don't worry, Audi. I got you."

Somehow we're dancing. I'm wearing his baseball cap. I think I stole it from him at some point. I'm in his arms and it feels too good. Too good to be true. I take a step back from him, and he has that look in his eyes. The way he used to look at me. He reaches for me and runs his fingers through my hair. I close my eyes because it hurts too much. I feel that pain in my stomach again, but I choose to ignore it.

"You're wasting your time, Elwood."

He chuckles and drops his hand from my hair. Only now it's on my waist, pulling me close to him again. "Am I?"

I nod firmly to let him know I'm not messing around. "I'm not sleeping with you."

He chuckles again. "I love that you haven't changed one bit, Claudia."

He tucks me into his chest and we hug. We hug until I can no longer tell where I end and he begins. We hug until he whispers into my ear that he's taking me home.

I'm at the front door of my house. I'm giggling because my keys don't seem to work anymore. Someone must have changed the lock. Lucas keeps shushing me, and at some point he covers my mouth with his palm as we head inside.

I'm in my bed. He's fixing my covers for me, saying he can't believe I still have the same Einstein poster hanging on my wall.

"I'll call you tomorrow, Audi," he says when he finishes.

"No you won't."

"Yes, I will."

I sigh. "You're just saying that now. You'll feel differently tomorrow once you realize how messed up this is."

"Stubborn girl. I'm calling you tomorrow."

"Okay."

I think he snorts. I'm not sure because my head is buried in my pillow.

He turns off the lights and I feel his lips press against my forehead. The only thing I can think about is how my dad would murder him if he caught him in my room right now, but Lucas doesn't seem to care about that possibility. In fact, he doesn't seem to remember that he shouldn't be here.

As I fall asleep, I realize that the last time he was in my room was the night he kissed me.

Author's Note: And we're off! What did you think of the first chapter?

I'm super excited to share this story with you guys. Get ready for what's coming next!

The song of the chapter is "When We Were Young" by Adele.