i make a lame joke in front of a crowd
because i want people to like me
(god, i want people to like me)
and no one laughs.
my lips stop moving.
my heart pounds its fists against my ribcage
and the breath escapes from my lungs,
every part of myself
desperate to disappear into thin air.
their laser gazes pierce right through me,
burning, judging, burning
me, my cheeks flaring with a fire
so frenzied
they're determined to burn me to the ground
right then and there,
ashes scattered in the wind,
grey specks too miniscule to pay attention to, oh god they're judging me i'm
so stupid, why did i say
that? i wish i could vanish. i wish i could vanish.
i wish i would vanish. i wish i would -
the conversation moves on.
no one cares
anymore.

i wish i would stop feeling
so ashamed
of being alive.