It is routine that wakes me, and routine that gives me pause, as always focusing on the sliver of grey between a part in the blinds that never fully closes. 

This small freedom, this small defiance. 'This' is the moment I have relished in all my days, and it is this moment I focus on with clarity, the Holy Water absent- maybe not fully from my veins, but from my mind. 

I feel guilt at my willingness to fall so deeply into the call of Holy Water yesterday. I struggle to recall the events as the fog had enveloped me in a soothing embrace, taking the fear and pain and dulling it out. 

This is what addiction could do to you, my mother and aunt had warned me, and warned me they had over and over again at dependance. If I allowed that fall once, all the easier still would it be to fall again and again, until there was the loss of purpose and self. 

The knowledge of this grips me in a silent fear that joins in with guilt. How could I have conducted myself so poorly?

Recollections of yesterdays prayers, or walking with Falak and Lael, of meal with the both of them walking the streets of Heaven, of Lael pausing outside our complex's, separated by swaths of color and written paths we each must take. 

He had looked at me, and it was this moment of any yesterday I had allowed my fogged mind to clear somewhat, to count those 32 freckles, to watch the two that lay next to his eye remain smooth. 

"I am here with you Ayira," he had said, squeezing my hand, as if pulling me back to him though physically I never left," Please don't forget that. I am 'here'.  "

The evening bells had long ago signaled our return to our rooms. I had stared at him another moment, looking to those chocolate eyes as they returned my gaze unwavering.  They where desperately on me, a sort of silent plea he was trying to convey deep within them.

"I-I am with you Lael," my tongue felt heavy, and my heart squeezed. For a day, I had not been. For a day I had been elsewhere. I had not fully been with him- instead I had relished Holy Waters ensnarement.

Guilt shouted in the back of my mind I never should have been so weak.

At my practiced waking, of coming to my senses and fighting the drug that always weaker at the end of the day than that of my initial dose, the image of Sister Murry shot through my mind and I tensed, my heart rabbiting as if I had just ran. 

Before I could think or do anything else, Lael had swiped his thumb over my fist, pulling at my attention and slowing my heart.

"I am here, Ayira," he repeated," I am here, and I will be here for as long as you need me."

The memory of the hug that was returned still warmed me. We had pulled apart, following the last of the Angels in our respective sectors before the doors closed and locked. 

I pull myself from the memory as blinds open and begin to show the early morning green skies and shining white rooftops. I rise with the three clear chimes, still shaking slightly as the memory of a door shutting echoed into my mind. Though it may be my yearning for my daily injection that causes my hands to be unsteady just as much as the horrible memory.

But I kept those words close to my mind as the thought of Holy Water drifted tauntingly," I am here, Ayira."

Lael was always so dependable, so sure footed in the life we walked parallel to one another. 

If only I had not been raised to succeed in this mission, to uphold a families duty. 

A promise that was greater than myself and my own wishes- I had to remember that.

I could not fail. I had to do what my mother and those before her had never done.

"Good morning, Angel Ayira. It is currently  6am. Today marks the 5th day until you're release. Please, rise and give thanks."

The number shrinks again, and I force my breath to be slow, deep, deliberate.  Try not to think that every moment was yet a moment closer to my Ascension. To my release to try and become one of the Seraphim. 

Fear was not going to help, I knew the days would pass if I wanted them to or not- what was the point of wishing otherwise, or fearing the inevitable.

No- fear would only make those days pass in a terrible struggle. It would surely set my failure up before I could even attempt to overthrow the Seraphim that ruled over all. 

To the corrupt that claimed themselves followers of God.

 I slowly rise, pulling back the comforter though a part of me only wished to snuggle back into its warmth and smooth fabric against my skin. Guilt rises within me at the realization that, with my unwillingness to face the reality of the situation, at my inability to acknowledge the sending I had participated in, of Sister Murrays confession that I couldn't fully grasp, that I had lost a day to Holy Water, a day that was one of precious few left before my Ascension. 

A slow deep breath and I remind myself that, once again, I would not help anyone- much less myself- if I remained in a pit of guilt. 

It happened. I lost the day. There was no further point in lingering on about it. No. I must move forward, face the day-the days- I had at hand.

Up until my very last. However few numbered that may be- it was the task set upon every living being. 

I pad to the bathroom blinking at the bright white lights lighting up against the white of the tile and mirror. I stare at my thin face, my pointed features, my long nose and thin lips that were pulled into an expressionless line. 

A flash of Sister Murrys gaunt face echoed in the mirror and I briefly tense, before willing myself to steady my breath, blinking before firmly shaking myself to my senses and repeating the same prayer as every morning. 

"All hail God who cared for us: the Angels.

All hail to the powers on high, may they guide us to Nirvana.

I will perform my duties effectively, efficiently, with no questions and no qualms.

Thus is the way to a beautiful world.

And with this, we shall guide the Fallen, in hopes of bringing them to Heaven, to redemption.

Amen."

The flash of the mirror helped my racing heart little, and I listened to the voice forcing myself to pay attention and not seek the proffered injection with haste," Morning report- 29, Tuesday, of February. Year A. 301. The daily task assigned: Guidance among the flock. Be witness to a choosing, you are absolved from midday and evening prayer. You may begin your morning, Angel Ayira."

I blinked, hand paused with my tooth brush in hand, overwhelmed to the point of not feeling. A buzzing in my ears as my seemingly still heart slowly picked up its task of rushing the blood through my veins, and I had to steady myself from the elation slowly building.

The idea I would be allowed one final visit to Earth before I Ascended was too great. It was not unusual for Virtues to go to Earth as witnesses during choosing's, I being a Virtue who focused on educating and guiding others put me in this position frequently enough that it wasn't that unlikely. 

But it was unlike going to the Firmament. 

Those of us who visited Earth were far more vast in number, as for the importance of guiding the Sheep on Earth ensured our continued power, food, and population.  Powers would do rotations that spanned many days, at times the entire 5 to 6 week stint that spanned the month, as for they gave protection to the Sheep.

Lael had once did this, I pause to think nearly a year ago to this very month. 

It had been unnerving so long his absence. 

Maybe that had been when I truly began to realize. .  .

Not that it mattered any.

Principalities were the ones who, just as in the Firmament, chose the Sheep who would Ascend to become Brothers, and Sisters. 

They also played witness to judgements the Dominoes gave . 

It was a reminder of when Falak was assigned these tasks, the few times I had seen her departure that I reminded myself why Principalities must have so much free time. The weight of not only choosing the next to Ascend, but also to bear witness to the condemned was a heavy burden that not all could carry. 

I set my tooth brush down grabbing the injection and eyeing the lettering and serial number, rolling it in my hands before grabbing my thigh and reminding myself I would need to give Falak more love upon my return. 

Too often I forgot the weight of her position, and too often found myself judging her unfairly- the beautiful, perfect Principality, born in Heavens shining streets never having felt the burden of living on Earth. 

It may have been jealousy I sometimes felt, which twisted my heart with guilt, knowing she had only ever looked at me with adoring eyes and love. The feeling of being a lousy friend overtook me, and I allowed the injection to pierce my thigh. 

God did not wish his Angels to feel jealous of anyone- the envy of another's attributes or successes was not conducive of improving yourself or anyone and only sullied your soul in the eyes of God.

The wave of Holy Water hit me hard, but I practiced breathing, of counting the brush strokes for my hair, of paying attention to the details of my folded nightgown, my tied sash. 

I firmly told myself, today I would not lose myself to Holy Waters depths. I would not escape into the ease its haze brought.

I would live out the day with the fullest rapt attention, as if it were my last and not one of but 5. 

Knowing that it would be my last day on Earth was enough to ground me.