Lola and I were sitting at the gazebo one hot Sunday afternoon when the maid came by.

"Mam Arizona, someone is looking for you."

"Who is it?"

"She said her name is Helena."

I glanced at Lola.

"Okay. You can let her in." I stood up.

"Is everything okay, hija?"

"I don't know."

I walked back to the house, confused and worried at the same time.

When I left, I told her the reason why I'm going.

I didn't mention that she was the other reason for my sudden departure.

Helena was seated on the couch when I came in.

She stood up to give me a hug.

"What are you doing here?" I asked when she let me go.

"I miss you." I saw sadness in her eyes and I felt guilty.

"Do you want something to drink?" I asked.

"Water is fine. It's very hot here." She fanned herself with her hands.

The doors and windows were wide open but it was no match for the sweltering heat.

I went to the kitchen to get water.

I heard footsteps and Lola came in carrying the tray with the pitcher of lemonade and the empty glasses.

Helena introduced herself and stood up to help her.

"So you met my Lola?" I said to Helena when they both came in the kitchen.

She placed the tray on dining table.

"Yes and it's so nice to finally meet you." She smiled, the dimple on her cheeks showing.

"You remind me of someone." Lola remarked.

"Do I?" Helena asked, curious.

"Yes. But I could be mistaken." Lola glanced at me.

She excused herself, telling us she'll take a nap.

"It was nice meeting you, Helena." She smiled then went upstairs.

"Are you sure you're not hungry?" I took a coaster from the cupboard and handed her the glass of water.

"I had a late lunch at the hotel." We walked back to the living room.

Her forehead was sweaty and there was a round sweat stain at the back of her shirt.

"Why did I wear this long-sleeved shirt today?" We sat down on the couch.

"Why did you come here?" I asked.

"Because I thought I scared you away after I proposed." She answered.

I looked at my on-again off-again girlfriend.

We met when Liz took me to her daughter's basketball game.

I've been holed up in the cabin I rented and when I came out of my hibernation, as Liz calls it, she took me to the game so I could meet some real humans and not just my characters on the page.

Helena was lean, tall and very charming.

Her disarming smile was warm and inviting.

Also, she looked a little bit like Julia except she wasn't quiet unlike my ex.

Helena has a loud laugh, catching the attention of whoever hears it.

She was the coach and Liz mentioned that I used to play basketball in high school.

After the game, she asked if we could go out for coffee.

I saw Liz out of the corner of my eye, smiling.

I told her I couldn't.

There was a writer's convention I had to attend and I haven't packed my suitcase.

"How about when you come back?" she wasn't discouraged.

"You're not going to let me off easy, are you?"

"Nope." She replied.

#

Our second meeting was followed by an invitation to attend another basketball game.

I told her I was busy with editing my new novel but Helena saw through my alibis.

"I'm not asking you out for a date yet." She grinned.

I agreed, slightly ashamed at how she saw through me.

After Julia, I focused my energy on my studies and my career.

There were girls and boys who asked me out but I wasn't interested in any of them.

Julia was my first serious girlfriend.

I built my future around her.

When those plans came crashing down, the only thing I picked up from the rubble was the part I could handle—my dream to be a writer.

Love was exhausting.

I never want to go through another one so I concentrated on what I could manage—my studies.

I quit my part-time job and poured my energy into the career I wanted to make for myself.

The result was The Heartbreak Diaries.

When I met Helena, I was already established in my career.

She was my first relationship after Julia.

Their resemblance was an accident.

#

"I understand if you don't want to get married but you don't have to run away from me." Her expression turned serious.

"I'm not running away." I remembered the same thing Julia said to me the night we kissed.

"Arizona, I don't want us to break up." She took my hand in hers and I felt her calloused palms.

"I have to think about what I want to do." I replied.

"Don't you love me anymore?" Her eyes were pleading.

"It's not that I don't love you."

"But?"

"I just don't know. That's all."

We were silent.

Before the proposal, I was okay with our arrangement.

I could call her when I want and she could date whomever she wants.

When we started dating, I told her I wasn't looking for something serious.

"I can be what you want me to be, Arizona."

"It's not fair to you, Helena. Why do you want to be with someone who can't give you what you need?"

"I believe in being patient. Why don't you give me a chance instead of blowing me off and see what you're missing?" She joked.

I admire her determination.

She was always waiting for me to be available.

Her persistence endeared her to me.

We'd go out for lunch and dinner and occasionally, she'd take me to the beach.

She took me to her apartment where she made roast chicken, Fettuccine Alfredo and chocolate cake.

There was wine, candles and flowers on the table.

"I really like you, Arizona." She told me while we sat on the porch.

"You're setting yourself up for heartbreak." I said to her.

She only laughed at my remark.

Pretty soon, it would be clear to her I wasn't kidding.

I'd be gone for months to work on a new novel.

She'd leave hundreds of messages on my voice mail to check up on me.

I asked if she found someone to date.

Her answer was always no.

I thought she was lying but Liz confirmed she wasn't.

"I don't know what she saw in you." My agent joked.

Pretty soon, it would be clear to me that Helena was here to stay.

I started to loosen my schedule so we could spend time together.

I would text her when I'm too tired from sitting too long or when I couldn't get pass what I'm writing.

During the weekends, she would pick me up from wherever I was and we'd drive to her apartment.

I began to miss Helena and it scared me in the beginning.

It's been a long time since I was with someone.

I felt like I don't know how to go on dates.

We started doing what regular couples do which was go out to dinner, watch movies and of course, basketball.

I met some of her friends and they were a fun crowd.

There was always karaoke and lots of food.

Did I mention that Helena was half-Filipino?

When the weekend was done, she'd drive me back to the hotel or the cabin by the sea.

I admit it felt good to know that someone cared.

My family does but it's different when it's of an intimate nature.

I don't even have a pet.

I pity the creature that would be left in the care of other people.

I don't know why she stuck around since I wasn't completely open about who I am or my past but every time we meet, I saw how much I meant to her.

She always brings me pink roses and takes me places to eat where she talks about politics, her job, who among her cousins are celebrating their birthday and basketball.

She would ask about what I'm writing but I was quick to tell her that I'm on a short break so she doesn't push it.

I think we were fine until that one afternoon she took me to the beach.

The sun was setting and we were walking hand in hand along the shore.

There was no one around and it looked so peaceful.

She let go of my hand and stopped walking.

I thought she stepped on a shell and hurt herself.

When she got down on one knee, I panicked.

#

     "I will wait as long as you want me to." She squeezed my hand.

"You don't have to do that."

"I've been doing it for years and I'd do it again because you mean so much to me."

"Helena..." I let go of her hand.

"Arizona, I told you I'm a very patient person. If you need time or space, I'll give it to you."

"What if I don't want to be with you anymore?"

Her face fell.

"Is there someone else?"

I thought of Julia but shook my head.
"Then there is hope." She grinned.

I wished I could tell her the truth.

That the night Julia kissed me, I've been bothered ever since.

I wasn't lying when I told her she still drives me crazy.

That kiss left me wanting more.

Knowing she was with someone else was painful.

Looking at Helena, I wondered why I couldn't just be happy with what I have?

Is it because that night, I realized that Julia was still the one for me?