Deep under thick layers of my skin, bones, and guts, there's a sprig of an unnamed emotion. Its roots tangle between my ribs, anchoring the bud to my chest as it flowers, making my fingertips petal-light.

Has the URE always been this bright? This must be what Simon means when he says I should try seeing the world through rose-colored glasses more often. The desire to skip through the halls possesses me. Part of me wants to allow it. Who would care if they caught Janika Lorn skipping around the Rotunda?

About to break into a gambol, I encounter a sight I'm not prepared to digest. My heart falls to the floor and melts into the spaces between the grates. I can sense him from within jagged shadows. The gasp that threatens to escape swivels around my throat.

Kai locks his elbows with his hands buried deep in his pockets. The color of his frayed bandage is a macabre replacement for all the thick hair that had been shaved.

No amount of bravery in the world could have prepared me to meet his crystalline eyes without flinching. Not in the marketplace tragedy and not today. I still haven't forgiven him for what he tried to do despite these last few weeks being pure hell for him.

He stares at me, pleading, guilty, shamed. It's good to know I'm not the only one tortured by this meeting.

"I wanted to talk to you that day," he says. "You've been avoiding me."

"I've been busy. We've all been."

"Yeah, but you've been actively being places where you know I won't be. L-three-CR-three? Really? That's on the other end of the URE from where we were training together before this fucking disaster." I can't tell if he's referring to the marketplace incident or the time where he tried to assault me.

He meets my eyes. I force myself not to recoil or flinch.

"I was there for you in court," I say, gathering my courage to push past him. "You're lucky they found you not-guilty of fucking up that kid's arm, or you would have been stripped and taken off Homecoming. What were you thinking? You could have killed him." 

I want to give him a chance to redeem himself, but his grip, haunts me. The time he grabbed my hips, the long time he trapped me in the marketplace, they fly to the front of my mind.

He appears the same, even without his long black hair. Those incredible blue eyes against rich, gold skin strike me with the intensity of his beauty. The massive frayed bandage, is what pulls my heart in the direction I don't want it to go.

It's difficult to avert my eyes. I trusted him.

I push past, but as I brush by my muscles tense up. He's stops me with a feeble grasp on my wrist. I recoil.

"Don't touch me."

"Janika, we need to talk."

"Get your hand—"

"Stop pushing me aside. I've been on your sidelines since I've known you. I'm sick of it. I can't sleep. I can't think straight. I'm losing focus . . . I need to know where we stand. Especially after everything in the marketplace."

My wrist burns under his skin. Without giving him any room to misinterpret my meaning, I say, "Commander, let my wrist go, or I will remove it for you."

He drops it. "I want you."

"I don't care what you want."

"I want you differently than I want my contracted partner."

He's begging. The next step would be for him to fall to his knees, but I doubt Kai's pride would let him work that hard for anything.

"I can't describe it." He inches closer but never touches. "But it's this crazy feeling I can't shake. I wanna be around you more. To see you. To hear your voice. Can't we do that?"

My pity lasts mere seconds before the image of him looming over me materializes. The constricting squeeze of his hands on my hips, the sudden surprise of him flipping me on my stomach—all the sensations strike in a tidal wave. The bruises lasted weeks, reminding me of his aggression. The thought of what he wanted to, what he attempted to do, sickens me without end.

Skin crawls, hairs rise, and shudders course through my arms whenever the foul night drags its memories through my dreams.

He checks his open palms as if he expects something to be written there. "I fucked up."

"You attacked me."

"I would've stopped."

There is no logical response for his comment. It's he-said-she-said in this twisted little game. A little part of me, despite the anger I harbor, still pities him and remembers interactions were once fun. I remember the sex we shared right before he tried to take it from me again, mere minutes after we finished.

But it was never sex he wanted that second time. He wanted to prove a point and spell it out for me with his body overpowering mine. I remember there used to be a word for what he tried to do. But it's on the Unmentionables List of unsavory Before Days words that don't apply to the URE. But I know it exists. That word. I wish I had it to put a name to this gut-sick I can't shake off.

This is the end of this bullshit conversation. "Move away from the door, Commander."

"Don't do this, Janika. Please. Let's talk."

"You have until the count of three to get the fuck out of my way." It's purely out of respect for the unspoken code among brothers in the militia that I don't jack him in the throat right here and now.

"Janika."

"One . . . "

"Listen to me."

"Two . . . "

"Please. Nika."

How dare he. "Don't call me that. You have no right to call me that."

His eyes level with mine. His frown deepens, dulling his blue eyes. I'm nanoseconds away from twisting around and flipping him over my thigh, but he steps to the side, allowing me entrance to the combat room. He never averts his heated stare between us.

I detect a presence at my shoulder. McCroy, with his shaggy brown hair, and Umpire, with his colossal, dark bulk, approach. Coodi appears behind them. They scowl at Kai.

The vestibule of the combat room sizzles with our combined heat. Kai faces us, taking in the three new guests for his show. He holds his position for one second longer before he pivots. The soft pang of his retreat echoes through the corridor.

"None of that gets repeated to anyone. Ever. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Commander," Coodi says.

We filter into the room. One of them squeezes my shoulder reassuringly.

After a few minutes click by the rest of the VIPERs arrive. Training begins.