Castiel

~several months later~

Graduating from college seems like a great idea until you realize you don't know how to be an adult.

Castiel stares at his diploma. He had worked hard to get it; he completed high school a year early and managed to complete his first year of college in the summer after he graduated, and now here it was. A sheet of paper with his name in fancy letters.

He could do a lot of things now that he had this paper, but somehow it didn't seem as substantial as he once dreamed. The hollow, empty feeling that he felt so often threatened to consume him.

He glances at the calendar. June 8th, 2017. Two months until the little red X on the calendar means something.

Cas tries to push it out of his head; he and Dean were done. He had messed up bad, but Dean crossed a line that there was no going back from. 

Cas buries his head in his hands, inhaling shakily. The last few months have been really hard on him, his depression was back in full force. Only one thing kept it at bay, and Cas had pushed him away.

"You should really call him, you know."

Cas's head snaps up, his features relaxing when he saw his friend Meg at the door of his apartment. The two had tried to date, but they both knew who had Castiel's heart. They managed to stay friends, but Cas always knew she was still pining after him.

"You've told me that almost every day this week," Cas says, his face back into his palms. "Not going to do it, Meg. It's been too long. What if he has a girlfriend? What if he doesn't want to see me?"

Meg scoffs, rolling her eyes. "What if, what if, what if. If he has a girlfriend, she can suck it. If he doesn't want to see you, then you can say you tried."

Cas smiles despite himself. "Meg, you make it sound so easy..."

Meg sits down on the bed beside him, slightly too close for it to be platonic, but Cas decides to chalk it up to her trying to be comforting.

"Cas...I know you love him. That's why we didn't work out. You honestly expect me to believe that you don't care about him anymore? He's got two months left, Cas. Go see him. If you don't, you'll hate yourself forever. I'll house-sit for you, I'll make sure your cats get enough food, and I'll pick up the mail and shit. You have no good reason not to go."

Cas runs his hands through his hair, inhaling through his nose. "You're right. I have no good excuse. I'll plan on going soon."

Meg exhales sharply in exasperation, "That's what you say every time. I'll help you pack tonight, and I'll drive you to the airport. Massachusetts to Kansas is what, 3 hours away? Plenty of time to plan what you want to say."

Cas snorts lightly, a bitter smile on his face, "I've been planning what I want to say to him for half a year."

Meg grins, flashing him a thumbs up as she exited his room.

Cas shakes his head. What have I gotten myself  into....

***

Dean

For the third time this week, Dean Winchester was slam-dunk drunk and covered in women.

Through blurred vision, he could see all three women start to get dressed. 

"Shit, is it morning already?" Dean slurs, standing and swaying.

"Sure is, sunshine." One of the prostitutes said sweetly, carrying a thick southern drawl.

"The money is on my dresser...g'bye...Rachel, was it?"

The southern girl's mouth twitches in annoyance. "It's Sarah. Rachel came two days ago."

Dean nods, a headache setting in his temples. "Sorry...it's too early for this shit..."

One of the women, a short, busty brunette rolls her eyes and mimes slashing her wrists in annoyance. 

"Hey!" Dean barks, his head clearing enough for his heart to clench in sadness. "Don't...don't do that...please..."

The brunette--Amelia, was it?--seems surprised, but apologizes, slipping on her leather jacket and pocketing the hundred dollar bill on the dresser.

Whatever high Dean was feeling from the sex and alcohol was gone, only a burning despair left eating away at him. For the millionth time he curses himself for the stupidity of his past self.

Dean lies back down, rubbing his eyes with his fingers and then running his hands through his mussed hair. God, what he wouldn't give for a do-over.

"Hey, Dean, there's someone at the door for you." Dean hears the third prostitue call for him from the kitchen. 

"Jesus, it's 11:00 in the morning, who the hell..." Dean freezes when he sees a familiar face standing nervously in the doorway, clutching the cuffs of his jacket and tilting his head in a way that knocks the breath out of Dean.

"Hi." Castiel says, the tension so thick you could cut it. 

Dean's mouth opens and closes like a fish, searching fruitlessly for something to say.

Cas clears his throat nervously, and gestures with a nod of his head to the escort standing next to Dean. "Um...is this your...girl..friend..?"

Dean's face flushes red as the girl with dyed blonde hair laughs teasingly.

"Oh honey, this man couldn't afford me. I work for the escort company on 62nd Street. I only see Dean every few weeks."

Cas's face reddens, and Dean can tell he's holding back tears.

"Oh this is getting really awkward, I think I'll see myself out...same time next week, Dean?" The prostitute says on her way out the door.

"Actually, no, Veronica....I don't think I'll be able to...." Dean says slowly, his eyes never leaving Cas.

"It's Judy, but whatever. And maybe if you learn our names we'll do something extra for you next time," Judy says with a sexy smile.

"Can you just shut the hell up and leave? This is a really bad time for this. Fuck off, whatever your name is." Dean snaps, his heart twisting in his chest when he sees Cas look down at the ground, clutching his sleeve cuffs tightly--be it out of habit or because he hurt himself again, Dean didn't know.

Judy looks annoyed, but leaves.

"I'm so sorry about that Cas, I--" Dean tries to say, but Cas cuts him off.

"Dean. Stop." 

Dean runs his hands through his sex hair and exhales. "What are you doing here?"

Cas narrows his eyes at his ex. "Oh I'm just paying a friendly visit, I was just passing though and decided to fly three hours out of my way to see an old friend, who, may I add, is shitfaced and smells like a whorehouse." His voice is dripping with sarcasm, and every syllable hits Dean like a bullet to the heart.

"Cas...." Dean protests weakly, swaying slightly.

"I don't know what I came here to do, but there was no way, in all the scenes that have played out in my head, that it would be like this." 

"Cas, please...."

"Don't call me that. My name is Castiel and only my boyfriend gets to call me Cas. Funny thing is that I don't have one anymore." Cas seethes, lightening sparking in his stormy eyes.

Dean squeezes his eyes shut, tears leaking through his lashes and dripping off his nose as he hung his head. "I'm sorry, Ca--Castiel...please, just hear me out, buddy.."

Cas runs his hands through his dark hair, clenching his fists. "There's nothing to hear out, Dean. I walked out on you because I made a mistake and you made a bigger one. Now you're heartbroken and you deal with it by getting toasted and sleeping with half the town. Am I wrong?"

Dean's shoulders shake as he quietly sobs. He had fucked up. He fucked up so bad.

"I'm sorry....I'm so, so sorry Castiel. I loved you. I still do."

Dean looks up in time to see Cas grab his face and kiss him desperately, their hands entangled in each other's hair, the kisses so longing and passionate that Dean's heart felt as if it would burst.

When Castiel detached, Dean is left breathless and speechless.

"So...does this mean...?" Dean says slowly, unsure.

"It means I forgive you. I'm still angry and hurt, don't get me wrong, but I forgive you. We all make mistakes of different magnitudes, but what are we if not in love?" Castiel smiles, tears glistening in his sapphire irises.

"Oh Castiel...." Dean says, grateful behind belief.

"You don't have to call me that if you don't want to. I'd prefer it if you didn't, actually." Cas says warmly.

"O..okay..." Dean says, his heart so happy that it hurt.

"So...where do you want to go?" Cas asks.

"Anywhere but here," Dean says, "let me get dressed and I'll take you out to eat. Are you...are you still having trouble with that?" He adds quietly.

Cas inhales, his ears burning with embarrassment. "Kind of....I went to an eating disorder clinic while I was away and it's sort of better. I'll eat with you though. How does Dairy Queen sound?"

Dean smiled, "Anything for you, angel."

"Dean...we're still going to have to talk about this, okay?" Cas presses, slight desperation in his voice.

"I know, Cas, I know. Can we discuss it over some ice cream, though? I really missed you."

"Me too, Dean. Me too."