I had hoped that sleep would help me survive the night. It didn't.
Nightmares plagued my rest. Memories of my childhood resurfaced in the forms of demons and monsters slaying angels and saints. I was drowning, being held down underwater by my own mother's hands, suffocating. I was never good enough for her and now she was dead, seeking revenge in the form of a nightmare. I had failed her. She was gone. The world around me swirled with inky blackness and my mother's face started to disappear as it twisted into a horrified screech. Pain swallowed me along with the darkness and I screeched too.
I woke up screaming. I instantaneously covered my mouth with one hand, trying to catch my breath, cursing myself because I probably woke up my mother and she would be infuriated.
No. Wait. She's dead.
It took me a second to remember where I was and what had happened, but eventually I regained my composure. Tears threatened to flow once again, as well as the memories, but I pushed them aside and threw all my effort into forgetting it had happened, at least for that moment. By then, I was wide awake. It was still dark outside, however, so it was probably early morning.
I sat back against the headboard of the bed I had slept on. The door opened and Jenna's face materialized, tired-looking and droopy, yet alert. I chided myself for waking them up.
"Hun, you ok?" The blonde asked, her voice riddled with drowsiness.
I nodded, but after I remembered she probably couldn't see me, I squeaked, "Yeah."
"You sure?" I could hear the concern in her voice.
"Just a nightmare."
She came over and sat on the bed next to me, imitating my posture by leaning against the headboard. "Wanna talk about it?"
I took a shaky breath and shook my head. I was trying to forget it.
"You're probably not tired now, huh?"
"I'm wide awake. I'm so sorry I woke you up."
"It's no biggie, doll. It's just a few minutes before the sun rises anyway. Me and Ty are used to it."
"You guys are morning people?"
"Not exactly."
"...Huh?"
"Let's just say we're awakened by our own demons as well."
Well that escalated quickly.
"Wanna go down and make some breakfast? I'm sure the others are up by now too."
I looked down, feeling so guilty and not able to do anything about it. Nonetheless I complied with Jenna's wishes for food and followed her down the stairs.
***************
I can scarcely remember how that day went. All I remember is curling up in that comfortable, brown sofa chair in the living room and replaying those images and memories over and over again in my mind, not letting myself cry, ignoring the three other people in the house. I also remember becoming very jumpy. Before, I wouldn't flinch at anything. After my life was ruined, though... any sudden movement, no matter how slight, would make me jump. If somebody set a cup down, I would be startled. I locked myself in the bathroom multiple times that day. I vaguely remember some official person coming to the house and asking questions and such about the event, discussing my stay with josh, and other topics that I didn't truly pay attention to. There was also the question of when my mother's funeral would take place. There wasn't a body. Not a soul in the world besides me and that horrible uncle gave a damn about Margaret Halloway, but the person kept insisting it was a "healing experience" or something. I don't exactly remember. I blocked that nonsense out of my mind.
At some point in the day it was decided that I would continue staying at Josh's house for another few days as preparations were made to move me into an orphanage. Yippee.
I refused to eat anything that day. When I did start to nibble on something, my stomach protested, so I stopped. My body was shaking uncontrollably, the pain still too much. A state of numbness continued to plague my mind, and all I could do was stay curled up in that amazing chair as my own thoughts overwhelmed me and placed me in a state of confusion, unawareness, and instability. Sometimes I could hear the mumbling of Tyler, josh, and Jenna's voices, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I didn't really care enough to try. Ironically, I was so caught up in grief, yet at the same time so numb, so senseless, and yet, on edge and jumpy. Sometimes I felt as though my sanity was being ripped away from me slowly but surely throughout the day.
It was all I could do to not burst into tears yet again.
*Josh's pov*
Ana's state deeply troubled me. I could tell she was hurting, falling apart inside, but she remained quiet. All attempts of talking to her were ignored like she didn't even hear us. She barely responded to the children's worker when they stopped by. It took some willpower not to go over and shake her to see if she was even breathing. This urge was repelled when I saw just how jumpy and shaky she was. It worried me sick. I hardly knew Anastasia, but she already felt like family to me. In a way, she kind of was. This feeling posed a sudden, strange but wonderful feeling.
I found Tyler rummaging through my refrigerator and pulled him outside.
"What's this about?" He questioned, a slice of cheese hanging out of his mouth. "I thought it was cool to steal your food."
"It's not that, dummy." I averted my eyes.
"Woah." He stuffed the cheese in his mouth and ate it as his face took on a more serious look. "Okay Josh, what's bothering you?"
"What's bothering me?" I sat myself down on the wooden bench that sat a few feet away from my front door, sighing. "That poor girl is going to an orphanage, Ty. She doesn't deserve it."
"I know," he said solemnly, parking himself next to me. "She's been through so much."
"Yeah, I mean, look at her. I don't want to sound cocky, or selfish, or something, but I'm the only person left that she's familiar with that isn't a creep. And now she has to leave the house in a week. It's too much for her."
"No, I get what you're saying." He leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees, placing his chin in his hands.
Just say it, me. No more avoiding it.
I blurted out, "I want to adopt her."
I didn't hear him say anything for a few moments. A smile began to form on his face and he glanced at me sideways. "You really have a big heart, don't you? This is why you're my best friend." He giggled, straightening up and ruffling my hair with his hand as he always loved to do. "I'm sure you would love it. I'm sure she would love it. But maybe you should think about it first. I think it's a great idea, but it takes commitment, especially with a teenager, not counting the things she's been through and the trouble she's bound to have. You would be a perfect father for her."
I gave out a low hum. "You really think so?"
"I know so."
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